My life

You showed me how to love

You showed me that i was desired

You showed me a lot

Most important

You showed how to close my heart again

You showed me how to build a wall again

You showed what i am worth to you

You showed me that communication is not for you

Today i am letting go of friendship that i thought was good and healthy but it turned unhealthy when i got a different position at work adn i feel like she is trying to get me back down to the floor.

I hae not been in contact with her for over a week now and i keeping it at that. I feel like there is going to be a collaspe of someone. I am owning my end to this but she is not and it is driving me nuts.

What can i do to treatmysef and others equals?

That question is hard question because i thought i was until i read the reading about putting people adn their happiness above my own. I have been doing that but i hear all the time from coworkers about how hard it is and that i need to have more put on me but yet they dont their job and make more wwork on me and i just realized day shift is not that good of shift. I have noticed that we need more struture than we have not on the boss at all. I also feel like they are wanting everything written out for them on.

Also the perosn i though was my friend was not my firend becasue she would tell the boss everything i would say and then get mad at me for reacting to it and telling her abbout it. I really think that donna was a snake in the grass that i did not see and it hurts me. It really hurts me and she doesnt realized what she has done and blames me. I am really opening up about this. I just feel so hur and she has not apolize for what she accused me of. That makes me know on how she felt about me. It put in the light on who to trust ansd what to talk about with cowrkers. I nnow i can do it and not have ereactions becasue i am done being controled by people that have no room to do so.

This is a quote from Frankenstien, the book. It is very powerful. You began to reflect on what you brought out into the world.

During this healing journey, I am beging to reflect on how my monster is coming out into the world. Sometimes, i can not control the monster adn it kills me becasue i never want to have an negative attidude or make anyone feel bad. I know i need to figure out how keep the monster abay. It is hard to do so becasue i want to snap when some one gives me attidude. I just want to show them what being a redhead is but i have to remeber that people could have had a bad day or jsut feeling bad. So i have remind the onster that peopel have a life.

Now just find a way to keep the monster at bay by doing other stuff.

It is funny that a change of attidue can actually change the outcome of stuff. I am very grateful that I went throuhg the roughest year of my life because it has built me into what I am.

It's weird because it was almost a year ago that he got his OWI 2nd because we got into a fight because he was passed out drunk on the couch. I was tired of coming home and feeling lonely because he was never present. I was tired of him in and out of jobs, and I had to support us both. I had a steady job with a steady paycheck, so he didn't have to work. I was angry because i caught him on dating sites, and he would lie to me about and say tht he got hacked. Tell me that some one hack your facebook to put on the dating sites . He had e in all sorts of confusal that i didn't know whih way was up.

Since he has been gone i have been able to breathe, find myself again and find my self worth again. I can tell you this being in your power is wonderful adn i feel so confident. I love it!!!!!!!!!!

Today was arought day, and i kind of stayed to myself today. My best friend really upsetted me today becasue it feels like when ever i am wanting to hang out with her it is excuses after excuses on why she cant hang out and it is gettig tiring. I jsut dont know what to do anymore. I am tired of feeling like i am only good one thing from people and I know I deserve better. But why do I keep putting mself in this stuff. I know i am lonely and want friends but at what cost to me. I need to figure out and love myself and not really care what people think. I need to get my lfe back on track and all of that.

It jsut sucks that when you do something that everyone tells you do and then boom they disappear. The bad thing is that she chooses dick over a friend becasue her love tank is empty. My mind is going like crazy becasue its like you dont have time for me but i have time for you.

I need to focus back on this and not anything else and i also need to focus on the gym because i need to lose weight and i want to be happy in my skin. It is so hard when you are not happy in your skin you are just not happy.

So back in 2022 i got baptized. Did it feel good when i did it yes. Have I been a bad christian yes becasue I gossip, swear, have sex while not married, and the list can go on for all my sins that i have done since being baptized.

Now 3 years later I am finding God and believining that his timing and will is what is best for me. Yes that souds so weird saying this now. But I believe that God has some pretty good timing.

I have foudn God again am i still lost yes I am becaue i dont know how to go about gettign that relationship back with him. It is hard to find a relationship with God because I dont know how to start it. Yes I have been praying and just talking with me when I am in the car driving by myself.

Livign with an active alcoholic will make you insane. The stories, the lies, the gaslighting, and the list can go on and on. It is weird that a power greater than ourselves could restore you to sanity because you dint think you were going crazy but you were. You trying to control, make it about you, get upset, get angry, and like before the list can go on and on.

I had a hard time with this step because I had a one-sided fight with God for so many years. I didnt believe that beliveing there is a higher power that could restore me back to sanity becaue he wasnt there before but I look back at it and i was rebeling and not doing his will so that is why i never thought he would help. I found this program and found my higher power again. God did restore me to sanity. I started to actually work the program and do God's will. I have had a lot of my prayers answered, but not in the way i thought it would go, but I accepted that it was God's timing and God's will.

My life did become unmanageable because of alcohol and weed. I was not the alcoholic. The person I love is when. I was trying to control his drinking, telling him that i would leave if you continued to drink. I was trying to control the situation because the situation was unmangeable. Trying to control the situation was not the right move. I think me trying to control the situation made it wworse and made our rrelationship not work. Yes it was not me but it was both of us. No need to put blame on one person it was both sides.

It's funny how one little drink can turn people into a monster. I am not saying he was the only monster I was a monster, too. The monster that i turned into was a controling, angry, mad, never happy, and irritable monster. I was letting alcohol have the power over my mood and my happiness. I noticed I was the monster even when he was sober. Even though I was in al-anon, I was not accepting this step. I was letting it all have power over me. I will tell you this I did not love the perosn\monster I was becoming. That was not a good. I was on the verge of getting fired from my job. What was the slap in my face that I needed was my good friend adn co worker telling me this swith her mom voice is when it hit me. That is when i fully accepted this step and man it was huge weight off my shoulders. I became more positive and less negative. Now when I feel like I am going crazy i call my sponsor and she reminds me off this step.

So the boyfriend continued to drink through August and September. I decided to up my meeting to Monday night which was the beginners meeting and a new meeting on Thursday night meetings.

Fast forward to the beging of October. We get in to a big fight enough that I had my car paked and ready to leave state. I honestly did not go to another becasue i was scared to start over in new state and knew nothing. I feel bad beasue my brother was going to help me out and i chickened out. Do I regret not going and staying in the state. I do not regret it at all. In fact I am very grateful beause that is when I decided to the work in al-anon. I got a sponsor and surrendered that my life have become unmanageable. My only thing is that i fought giving it all onto God.

My al-anon story started when I was in cosmetology school 14 years ago when my educator ponted me in this direction. I was very unsure thati belong there as my parents were not alcoholics but with my time in al-anon now I believe that I was raised by childern of alcoholics that did not heal.

Fastforward 14 years and I fell in love with alcoholic.

I started back in al-anon Aug 19th 2024 becasue my boyfirend got an owi 2nd offense. How he got that you ask. It was the afternoon of August 14th 2024. I came home from work to find him passed out on the couch with 2 beer empty beer cans in grocery sack. I picked them and put them in trash can and then I proceeded to slam cupboards doors and try to wake him up.

He decided to wake up and it was a fight. I accused of him of being drunk and he proceeded to say that he was not drunk. I yelled that I saw 2 empty beer cans and he told me that someone broke in and drand them and left them without taking the rest of our stuff.

We decided to fight, and I threw and broke vases and was yelling at him . He was yelling. A neighbor called the cops and i returned home after leaving to a cop at our apartment. I told the cops that he was drinkng and another cop showed up. He can driving and stopping really hard that there was smoke coming from his tires. He proceeded to pull into parking lot at which the cop had him step out of the car. He was arrested for owi 2nd offense.

That is when I decided to go back to al-anon because I needed help and wanted to be happy.

I made the best decision i made.

Working on yourself is the hardest work you will ever do in your life time.  So I am starting my journey today on working on myself.  I have decided that it is my time to work on myself and no one else. 

I have figure out that distancing your self from people that bring you mental health up is not worth keeping your life even if there is a kid involved.  I would love to see my niece but being around my sister is not the best for me right now as she is a trigger for increase of mental health,