Recharge Your Souls

How should I feel?? My exams are next month and I’m right now sulking about the career choice.. Am I normal to think like this right now?? I want to give exams for the sake of my sanity coz I have spend last 4.5 years of my life in this career stream. Actually, I’m confused.. I want to give exams, no doubt in that BUT I’m unable to study for that. I’m not able to force myself to study for that. I’m unable to push myself to work harder. Deep down I have started feeling like I have already lost the battle. But this is neither making me sad and nor happy. I just want to get over with it. I know I’ll feel guilty later on, but what am I supposed to do now. What should I do. Why I’m so confused?? 

Kyu itni confusion hai life mein??

Udhna chahti hun, lekin apno ko zameen pr chodhkr nahin...

Aage bdhna to chahti hun, lekin jinhone chalna sikhaya unhe peeche kaise chodh du??

Pankh khilarne asaan lgte hain, magar un pakhon se kisi ko khroch na aa jaaye is baat ka darr stata hai,

Baahein felakar zindagi ko khud mein smetna chahti hun, kadam se kadam milakr duniya k sath chalna bhi chahti hun,

Parr kbhi kbhi bs sabse hath chudhkar khin kone me akele bethkar khud ko apni hi baahon mein band kr leti hun.

Ab sab kuch ek sath hona toh mumkin nahin, isliye koi beech ka rasta dhoond rhin hun...

Aisa rasta jbh safar bhi apno k sath ho orr manzil bhi khoobsurat mil jaaye...

Jahan zindagi mera hath itni zor se thaam le ki mera dil us hath ko chodhne k liye mna krde...

Ek aisi rah jahan mera faile hue pankh kisi ko bhi takleef na de paayein...

Kya ho skta hai aisa koi rasta??

Kya hai aisi koi rah jo mujhe is uljhan se nikaal ske??

Underlying- Hidden but Important or one can say something that shapes the meaning or effect of something else without being explicit itself. 

My mom says you don’t care much, friends say you are rude and hard. But am I actually this?? NO! NO! NO! 

I really wanted to run away... Run away from everything and everybody !!!

One should feel every emotion without trying to suppress them. Sometimes it’s difficult and scary to feel deep emotions like Love, Hatred, Pain, Anxiety, Excitement but do feel. Don’t make yourself stop them or numb them.

Numbness is an addiction. Once you start feeling numb to any single emotion, you just stop feeling others too. You can’t just block sadness and pain, it will result in blocking your other feelings of joy, happiness, excitement. I know it’s easy to be numb, just not thinking about that emotion and detaching yourself from reality. It makes you let go of the pain. But wait, what after that?? This whole thing of detaching yourself from reality or numbness becomes your addiction. You no longer feel satisfaction, happiness, joy for positive situations also. It stops your sense of feeling. 

Just don’t do this to yourself. Feel every emotion. If it’s love, feel it and enjoy it, if it’s pain, feel it and start heeling yourself. But never try to ignore these feelings. You will feel and eventually you will get use to that emotion BUT if you’ll try to numb or suppress any emotion, you will become addicted to it and before you knowing it will become your habit, your lifestyle And then even if you’ll try to feel something, you won’t be able to. 

“No, I don’t understand.” The sentence I always wanted to say but end up saying the exact opposite. “Yes, I can understand.” 

Happens with you?? 

Honestly, I want to say “I don’t WANT to understand.” Yes I do understand your problems, your insecurities, your sadness, your anxieties, your point of view. BUT why always I should understand, just because I’m good at understanding compared to you. Nhi karna yaar undestand. Kyu kru. I don’t want to upset you but at the same time I’m done. I’m tired of understanding everybody. It’s difficult man. Always keeping aside my things and just listening to yours. Annddd if  sometimes I try harder to make you listen my issues, either you start feeling sleepy, tired or you found my issues SMALL. Yes, may be these are small. May be you have more and big problems, but it’s not like I don’t need anyone at any point of time. Even if these are small issues, they are bothering me, and probably more then your BIG ones. It’s eating me from inside. I’m hiding all my concerns from so long that I feel like these have now become part of me, as if incarnated into my body, my soul. I feel like I would never be able to come out of these. 

It’s Okay if you were sad yesterday, It’s Okay if you are sad today, It’s Okay if you will be sad tomorrow, and It’s Okay even if you’ll be sad the day after tomorrow. Sadness, crying, screaming, feeling hurt is not at all the sign of weakness. 

Healing from small things of life also need time. Healing is a continuous process and not a sudden outcome. Small issues can make you toss and turn the whole night. Issues which are small for one can be huge for the other. Problems can be small or big, but it can’t be decided for whom these are big and for whom these are small. Everyone has their own perspectives, different circumstances and situations. So even if  someone makes you feel that you are not allowed to be sad for such a petty issue, just ignore them and focus on your heeling. These petty issues have the power to turn the tables of your life, your thinking, your attitude. 

I fell in love with him when I first heard him, his voice triggers something inside me, it gives me warmth even sitting miles away from me. Yes, I fell in love at first hearing then sight...;) 

I heard him at a Virtual Class. Sounds stupid??  But Love is stupid, Right?? I don’t know what type of Love was that. It was just so pure. I just expected him to be in my life, despite of any relation we would share. It doesn’t matter to me. I can be his best friend or just an acquaintance but I want him in my life. Now you’ll be surprised why I didn’t said I want to be his lover.... Coz he has a girlfriend and they both are madly in love with each other for so many years. 

Heartbreak?? Ya, I kinda felt that for a second when he told me about his girlfriend, BUT the way he was describing her, the way he was telling about them, my respect and love for this GENTLEMAN rises to limit. There was that spark in his eyes, his words about which I have only read in Romantic stories and novels. I was actually Happy to met such a true and genuine personality. 

I love his voice, his smile, his way of talking, his warmth that spreads to people around him, the way he held his head high. I met him just once and I known it would remain one of my favourite evenings for life. No No I’m not a one side lover who will sit and wait and keep sulking about my situation, though he’s worth it but I respect him more. I’m Happy for him. I am Happy for myself that I met him. I Happy about how his presence made me feel even for a day. It’s the purest feeling I felt. I don’t want any kind of stain on that. 

So I don’t want my First crush ever to feel anything for me, I’m lucky enough to be part of his life even if I only meant a Batchmate to him. I want hime to be Happy, I want to solve his problems, to see him laugh, or smile, to have his back whenever needed, to be his confidante. I wish someday I’ll be able to do something for him coz he has done something special for me- ‘the impossible’ without even trying. 

Kyu abh vo sakoon mehsoos nhi hota..

Ek rishta kyu itna bdha ban jaata hai

Ki uske tootne pr hr rishta nasoor hai lgta

Gussa, shiken, nraazgi, udasi sirf lafz lgte hai

Dil kya seh rha hai byaan nhi hota

Log kehte hai ki ek rishte se zindagi khtm nhi hoti