Mr. Evolution

While at work one night I found a bottle of salad dressing out of place and picked it up to return it. The moment I read the label a stupid idea popped into my head and from that sprang more. And here they are.

An update to my old post with added dressings and salads

 Classic Caesar

1.-Julius walks past Brutus-

2. -Brutus stabs Julius-

3. Julius yells “AGGHH! What the hell!? Et tu, Brute!?

4. -Brutus finger guns at Julius and winks- “Tck tch, Classic Caesar.”

    Julius:” I’m fucking dying Brutus!” 

Ranch

1. Julius: “Look at it Brutus!”    

    Brutus: “It’s a farm, Caesar.”

2. Julius: “It’s not just a farm, it’s a large farm with cows here just for dairy production, more than 300 cows, which means this farm is a…”

3. Brutus: “No, …...Julius I swear to the gods.”

4. Julius: “It’s a Ranch!”

Buttermilk Ranch

1. Brutus: “Julius, why did you have the cow’s splotches dyed blonde?”

2. Julius: “So that the splotches look like butter.”

3. Brutus: “But why would you do…oh gods.”

4. Julius: “Now it’s a Buttermilk Ranch!”

    Brutus: *screaming* 

Italian Dressing

1. Brutus: “Julius I was going over the books and noticed you spent 2,357 Denarius in Sicily.”

2. Julius: “I was with Cleopatra and we did some clothes shopping and sort of went crazy”

3. Brutus: “So what should I put this down as?”

4. Julius: “Put it down as, Italian Dressing.”    

    Brutus: “I swear to Jupiter Julius!” 

Embalsamic

1. Embalmer: “Oh, hello my Queen, how was your date?”

2. Cleopatra: “It was good, how goes the mummification?”

3. Embalmer: “It is going, but something is odd about the fluid.”  

Cleopatra: *dips finger in fluid and tastes* “It’s sweet, with vinegar…”

4: -Cut to Julius Caesar sitting down at a table looking down angrily at his food-   

      Julius: “THIS IS THE WORST SALAD I EVER HAD!”

1000 Island

1. Brutus: “I heard you had legislation passed to start construction on new islands?”

2. Julius: “Yes in order to fortify our empire we must have a strong defense at sea”

3. Brutus: “That’s some excellent thinking Ceasar…but why so many?”

4. Julius: “So that we could have a thousand islands.”  

    Brutus: -screaming-

Blue Cheese 1. Brutus: “Julius,….what is that?” 2. Julius: “That is Babe, we adopted them from a nice lumberjack.” 3. Brutus: “…. Julius, it’s taller than the Coliseum, and IT’S BLUE! What could possibly be the reason to keep this monster of a cow!?” 4. Julius: “Well for the milk and converting it to cheese.”     Brutus: “Milk from that blue giant, to make cheese!? ….to make…...cheese…. I pray to Saturn Julius!”

French Dressing 1. Brutus: “Julius there is an army approaching from the west, they seem to be here to stall our advancement further into Europe.” 2. Julius: “They believe they can stop the most powerful army in the world; I shall give a resounding speech to inspire our troops so they can oppose-“     Brutus: “…And they retreated.” 3. Julius: “…..What? They ran away?”     Brutus: “It appears they just dropped their weapons and uniforms as soon as they came into range.” 4. Julius: “Huh…must be the French.” Russian 1. Brutus: “Julius, who was that raggedy, smelly, repugnant man?”          Julius: “Oh he is an advisor from a far-off powerful country.” 2. Brutus: “And what pray tell has he advised you on?”     Julius: “He taught me a potion that can extend my life beyond the norm, here see!”                  -passes a vial of a pinkish thick liquid to Brutus- 3. Brutus: -samples the liquid- “…This tastes like the secret sauce they put on my wraps                        at the Coliseum of Gyros.” 4. Julius: “What!? But he told me the Queen he advised loved it, and that it revitalized her. I’ll never listen to Ras again.”     Brutus: “Wait…isn’t that the man they said is the best dancer of their country and he was having an affair with the queen?” Honey Mustard 1. -Julius having a picnic under a large oak tree-     Julius: “Ah, what a wonderful day, I have all my ingredients set out to make a sandwich.”    -Notices a beehive above him in the tree-

2. Julius: “Best not make any sudden moves as to not disturb the-“     -Something drops onto one of the condiments spread out.-                 “No not the tangy spread!” 3.Julius: “Uggghhh, now my condiment is ruined and,  -tastes the mixture- ….-looks up at the hive- hmmmmmm.” 4. Brutus: “Oh Julius you have returned from your picnic, how was i- OH MY SATURN! What happened to your face!?!”      Julius: “I needth morth homney” Green Goddess 1. Brutus: “I haven’t seen Julius since the…. revolution. He just disappeared.”     Julius: -shows up singed and bedraggled- “Et tu Brute?” 2. Brutus: “AHHH! Julius, I wasn’t expecting to see you again, what in Tartarus has happened to you?”     Julius: “Exactly that, I was in Tartarus.” 3. Brutus: “I beg your pardon? If so, how did you escape? Pluto is not one to let a soul leave.”     Julius: “I had to eat a salad, with a specific sauce, the entire bowl, they giggled at every bite.” 4. Brutus: “Wait what? Just a salad? Why is that a means of being able to leav-"                    -remembers who Pluto’s wife is-     Julius: -starts crying- “It was so green, so so green, and thick.” Coleslaw 1. Julius: “Brutus have you heard of the latest invention!?”      Brutus: “Calm down Caesar, what is this about?” 2. Julius: “Someone has made a contraption that can shred anything - rushes off-     Brutus: “Oh well that is quite peculiar.” 3. -Brutus continues walking away- Brutus: “Why was Julius running with a bowl of salad?” 4. Brutus: -stops, turns around and starts running- “IF YOU RUIN THAT MACHINE, I’LL STAB YOU AGAIN JULIUS!” Fruit Salad (Yummy yummy) 1. -Julius and Brutus walking down the street when approached by a group of handsome men.- 2. Handsome man #1: “Oh my Venus, look at Caesar's hair, it’s so lush and curly”     Handsome man #2: “And just look at that tan on Brutus, wish I could get lines like that.”     Handsome man #3: “Just look at those two, you can just see their muscles through their togas.” 3. -The men depart, leaving a confused Brutus and a beaming Julius-     4. Brutus: “What was that about? Why were they so happy? What group of men was that!?”      Julius: “Oh that was the Salad boys, they are an odd bunch, but I love the compliments.”

Pasta Salad 1. Brutus: "Caesar, I am never taking recommendations from you again."

    Julius: “What? Why?” 2. Brutus: “When I was in Italy, I asked for a salad you’d recommend” 3. Julius: “Was it not good?”     Brutus: “It was just a bowl of pasta with oil drizzled over it!”

4. Julius: “At least it didn’t scare you.”          Brutus: “What?” Pasta Salad (suddenly)

1. Julius: “Uggghhhh, I hate being here in Italy.”     Brutus: “huh? How come, I thought you loved shopping here?” 2. Julius: “I do, but ever since I tried dining here, I’ve had issues.”     Brutus: “What kind of issues?”

3. -all of a sudden, a bowl of pasta salad appears- 4. Julius: “AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!”     Brutus: “It’s that damn salad I had last time I was here!!!!” Frog Eyed Salad 1. Brutus: “…Julius, what is that”

        Julius: “it’s a treat that Macbeth sent over.” 2. Brutus: “It looks awful…. where would he get a recipe like that?”         Julius: “He said he got it from those that prophesied him becoming King.”

3. Brutus: “Ok,…so, why are you crying?”

    Julius: “It tastes so terrible.” 4. Brutus: “THEN STOP EATING IT THE CAESAR!”

     Julius: “But it has marshmallows in it.” -sobbing while shoveling spoonfuls- Taco Salad 1. Julius: “This is unimaginative, it’s just ground beef thrown on a salad, it’s like putting chicken in and saying it’s a new salad!”     Brutus: “It is different Caesar.” 2. Julius: “Adding beef doesn’t give it the right to be called something new!”     Brutus: “Julius, grab the bowl.” 3. Julius: “I don’t see how grabbing the bowl will chan-“                  -grabs the bowl and part of it breaks off-    Brutus: “The bowl is edible.” 4. Julius: “This changes everything!”