''the morning light, when it comes to me, it was there but I could not see''
Arthurβs life was profoundly shaped by his self-hatred, lack of self-worth and disbelief in the existence of kindness in a seemingly dark and cruel world.
I strongly disagree with the statement that Arthur only became a ββbetterββ man after being diagnosed with tb. His struggle with his true/inner self is apparent as early as chapter one. ββYou are not who you think you are, sirβ¦ which is luckyββ
He has lived a rough life, raised by criminals and surrounded by violence ever since he was born. It was installed in him early that his value lied within being a violent enforcer and he has lived this life since, knowing nothing else. As a highly aware person, Arthur's actions weight heavy on his soul. He accepts that his actions have consequences. He knows that a person who has caused so much suffering is not meant to have happiness in life. His way of life has caused him to believe that he is not worthy of love or redemption. He doesnβt want to believe that a person like him could be capable of any good. (a thing to note here is that imo, Arthurβs actions near his death werenβt attempts at redemption but rather a strong desire to do right and possibly be his true self.) This is why he keeps living as he does as itβs the only thing heβs ever known, itβs the thing that brings him profit, praise from the person he looks up to and he is already damned so he might as well continue living this life anyway.
The internal problem Arthur faces is that this violent, cruel way of life doesnβt align with what Iβd call his true self/ideals. He is torn between the harsh reality he has known and an unconscious yearning for righteousness/love. To be able to carry on with his actions he must enforce certain ideals within himself, such as: I am bad, ugly, nasty, ignorant, mean etc. He also decides to see the dark side of reality, telling himself that the world is a grim dark place and this is just as things were meant to be. This is why he feels so uncomfortable being complimented for his good deeds, because a bad rotten person like him should not be able to do good. It breaks the image he has built for himself and he doesnβt want that happening. This can be seen a lot during the ββMoney Lending and Other Sinsββ missions where he is unusually mean (even for his standards) to each of the debtors. Imo, he acts this way because he must truly convince himself of being a terrible man to be able to carry out a job which revolts him so badly. In the last debt collecting mission with J. John Weathers, it can be seen in his face/expressions how much he is struggling to put on a tough, uncaring, heartless act. He needs to maintain a ruthless persona to survive in the world he knows. He must convince himself of his own cruelty.
''Forgive me, but that's the problem. You don't know you.''
Contrary to Arthurβs beliefs, he is a naturally kind-hearted person who is unconsciously drawn towards kindness. And yes, even before he was diagnosed with tb. This can be seen in the people he respects the most and, in his willingness to help strangers (notice how he often does unnecessary acts of service for total strangers such as: carrying their things, holding out hands etc. even though they had already troubled him). Despite the life he has lived, Arthur does not enjoy violence, he does not enjoy hurting people. He doesnβt want to dominate over others. He thinks mostly about others and not about himself. This fact alone is very telling of his character.
He writes about Charles, a man who he truly respects: ββHeβs a better man than me. He does not need to think to be good. It comes naturally to him, like right is deep within as opposed to this conflict between GOODβEVIL that rages within me.ββ A man who is not struggling with his inner self would not have written this. To me this clearly implies an inner desire to be a better man. He writes about his mentors: ββI love Dutch like a father, but in many ways, I love Hosea even more. Heβs kind and fair and like a human being. Dutch is something else.ββ Clearly showing a preference for Hosea who is of a more gentle nature and shows genuine kindness. Unsurprisingly, these are the people who see through his dumb/though act and encourage him to drop it.
When he comes across Brother Dorkins for the first time, he writes: ββ(he)was one of those innocent people who make you feel better about human beings and about yourself a little. Must be odd to see all that goodness in the world. Place always seemed dark and brutal to me.ββ Expressing how he does not see goodness in the world, implying lack of good examples/kindness/good experiences in his life. Yet, the monk leaves an impression and imo, this encounter (seeing genuine goodness) disrupts Arthurβs perception of what the world truly is. ββJust as evil begat evil your whole life long, so good may begat goodββ (what strengthens my belief in this, is the following, symbolic scene of Arthur realising the consequences of his actions right after picking up a crucifix. He was aware of them before sure, but is unable to truly ignore them now having seen it right in front of his eyes). If only Arthur was presented with more examples of goodness in his life.
''You have it in you... I can tell!''
His desire to do as much good as possible after realising he wonβt live long is instant. This would not be the mindset of someone who did not already possess kindness in his heart. ββKnow glory and forget about shame.ββ Arthurβs shame and self-loathing caused by his previous actions were what was holding him back from allowing kindness into his life. Knowing that he has limited time left has not made him into someone he wasnβt before. The diagnosis was a catalyst, allowing him to embrace that love/goodness truly does exist and accelerate the process of chipping away from the persona he has made for himself. This was a newfound understanding for him as in the past he was rejecting any notion of kindess. In himself and perhaps the whole existence of it. ββYou keep hidden all that matters, even from yourself.ββ
After being diagnosed, he writes: ββWhat kind of a man have I been? What kind of a man am I? What world is this we live in? A land of fury or a place of love? Am I being prepared for eternal damnation? Am I past any kind of saving? Is that all fairytales? Man ainβt got much good in him. I ainβt got no good in meβ¦ I donβt think and yet I see goodness. I see it. If not in me, in good folk. In Abigail and her love for Jack. In that silly monk. In Downes, I guess. Begging not for himself but for the poor, even though he was near starving himself. Maybe I donβt want salvation. Part of me has always longed for death.ββ This entry perfectly shows how deep Arthurβs self-loathing goes and just how much it has damaged him. As his journal allows a look into his true feelings, he truly does not see a single good thing about himself. He knew for a long time that the way he lives is detestable but he could not let go of it. Not because he didnβt want to, but because itβs all that he has ever known. He didnβt believe in anything else. This sudden acceptance of goodness has allowed him to see clearly, which was obscured from him before, and for the first time, enabled him to act free of past regrets for what is right.
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Arthurβs redemption is not about becoming a good man. It is about finding the strength to change and recognise your true self despite a lifetime of self-loathing and breaking free from destructive beliefs of the past.
In Arthurian legends a stag is a symbol of the unending quest of spiritual knowledge/enligtenment














