C O R A X

No matter how things should have been, Emma couldn’t help but focus on how things were. Everything she’d ever wanted for herself, though still possible, seemed far less exciting without Evan in her life. All of her dreams seemed dulled, their sparkle gone when living such a life meant doing so with a different person. In some ways, now was as good a time as any to focus on a career path and to choose a backup plan. That would be what she had to do. If she couldn’t be with Evan, she wouldn’t focus on a love life at all. “I won’t – I won’t do what I did last time. Getting in fights and whatnot. I promise, I’ll try to find… something positive in all of this, but only if you do the same. I want you to be happy just as much as you want me to be. So… try? For me? Even if it is with Elodie.”

There were no good options. Absolutely every path they chose would lead someone to more pain, and as much as Emma wanted to be indulgent and make the most out of this moment (for all she knew, now was the only moment that she had), she knew that doing so would only create more problems for Evan. And even for Ellie, even if she hated her for now. Evan was right. If they wanted a future, they couldn’t have anything in the moment. It made her sick to her stomach – she couldn’t stand the thought of not talking to Evan, to being broken up for the foreseeable future. “So it’s over then,” she noted, her voice devoid of emotion, surprising, considering how much she was feeling at one. “We… I know this is what needs to happen, I just – I was being selfish, hoping it could.” Evan was so good at compartmentalizing things. Maybe it was about time she started practicing that, too. “I know, I know… but I – if there’s anything I can do to make this easier on you, you have to tell me. Okay? I don’t want to be the reason anything bad happens.”

“honestly, how are people not quitting while they’re ahead? we have a whole year to space how these theatrics, but nope. lets cluster it all in the first month, it’s definitely going to help with our sanity –” 

this is where he felt most like himself – where he could speak freely and he wasn’t worried about prepping for the next three questions that might follow, “next year is going to be weird – not living with you, it’s going to be weird–” it had just dawned on him that this was their last year together, their last hurrah before they were out of here and belonged to others. “i’m going to have to live with a girl –” eyes widening, “how did that not dawn on me sooner? i’m going to be living with a girl –” he breathed out in horror. he knew he shouldn’t feel relieved that evan had been in his shoes, but it was nice to know that there was someone else being driven up a wall due to their ex, “it’s like civility is out the window and i don’t know how we got here? i mean, i know – but to this extent?” 

“thank you –” he murmured, “trust me ev, no one can fix that – i can’t fixate on what’s already broken, all i can do is try to make sure that’s not the same fate that falls on alice and i –” he admitted quietly, he wasn’t great at relationships – clearly. he couldn’t imagine doing this to her as well and yet here he was, fearing. 

“maybe it’ll all be done though now, we got it all out in this first month and the rest of the year will be quiet.” it was the worst kind of wishful thinking. “at least, i will foolishly hope for that to be true.”

another sigh left evan as he stared at the ceiling, they’d enchanted it in third year with constellations and stars, ones he hoped would remain long after they left. it was a comfort in the dark when he couldn’t sleep, he’d try to name them all and eventually drift off. “well, no one says we can’t be flatmates after.” he was kidding himself but it was happier to talk about this than to deny it. “i’m sure i won’t be given an estate so quickly and i won’t be going home, that’s for sure. it’d be nice to find a flat even for a short period of time.” anything he could cling to, any normalcy was worth it. he almost forgot frank had a betrothed too and the idea that the two of them could live together without their future wives was truly ridiculous and he dropped it. “relax, most girls are organized and clean ---i think.” he didn’t know either, he had no siblings, no female cousins he’d spent any time with. and he never lived with emma so he was guessing here. at the very least he was the tidy one so he’d try to compensate for the chaos elodie would bring to his life and his home. “deep breaths, mate.” he chuckled, poor frank. 

“i know how we got here, me and elodie, but yeah. it spirals so far out of control so fast, it’s insane.” he agreed.

At this point, she didn’t want to assign either of them blame. Sure, she’d made a mistake in asking him to meet up with her, to help her. But a mistake didn’t mean that she was entirely at fault, and Evan’s showing up didn’t mean that he was entirely guilty either. There were no right actions in situations like this one – if there had ever even been a situation like this one. “Honestly, someone should shut up Bertha, if they have any common sense. I mean, I wouldn’t do it, but… someone should give her a stern talking to about the kind of outrageous shit that she’s putting out in the world.” She crossed her arms over her chest, growing more upset and annoyed by the moment. “So now we have to go back to square one. No talking, no touching, no glancing at each other whenever we have a chance…” Emma knew that it was best for them. She knew that continuing to act the way that they did would only get her into more trouble. “I just – I don’t know if I can do that, just completely write you out of my life. If it’s what needs to be done, I’ll do it, but it’ll be the hardest thing I’ll ever do.” As he mentioned the broom closet, she bit down on her tongue – hard. It was dirty, it was dark – hardly the kind of place that she wanted to engage in intimate activities. She’d showered twice in one afternoon after it happened. “I don’t regret it. Just so you know.” But Evan said ‘until he could’ which meant there were still options. There was still hope. “How long do you think it’ll be until we can put all of this behind us? What do I need to do to make that happen? What can I do?”

As the hallways cleared out, Emma took a deep breath, sighing in relief as Evan took out his wand and cast a protective spell around them. She wanted to be able to speak truthfully, to have an open conversation with him. Still, she didn’t want to worry about being seen with him, and that couldn’t have been prevented. All in all, she still had a knot in her stomach, and it only tightened as she realized that Evan wasn’t there to have a nice conversation, but rather, it seemed, to deliver some kind of warning. “I – I don’t understand. I’m doing everything you asked me to do. And I messed up – I get that. I should’ve just gone to Pomfrey, or Alecto, or… or anyone else and asked them to fix my face, and then we wouldn’t have – y’know…” Emma frowned. This could be fixed. She could be better. Do better. “Bertha’s article shouldn’t mean anything! I mean, she said Marlene went to the moon, or something like that. It’s ridiculous! It’s childish. She’s only saying that because she doesn’t like Ellie, and let’s be honest, can you blame her?”

“no, emma, please. this isn’t your fault. school gossip can have a life of its own.” he couldn’t spend the entire conversation reassuring her and at some point she’d need to realize her self loathing was out of control. but this wasn’t the time for that hurdle. “they’ll ignore the truly ridiculous, but the rest --- it isn’t like they’ll storm the school hexing us all. but it will get their attention and that isn’t good. they’ll start paying closer attention now and sneaking around is much too dangerous. if we aren’t sneaking around we have no reason to be afraid. it’s simple logic, to keep us safe.” he hoped she’d understand, but he half knew it wouldn’t be that simple. “besides, i miss touching you ---holding your hand, kissing you --- we were always very affectionate and it kills me not to be able to do that. and i know it hurts you too, i know you crave that. i can’t have you the way i did before, we can’t date in secret and having sex in broom closets is not what either of us wants, it isn’t what i want.” he had to make this about him, to not seem like he was taking her choice away but making one for himself, like frank said. “i don’t want that, i want to be able to be open with how i love you, and until i can do that again ---- it hurts less for it to be over than to try and make one percent of what it was work.” 

For just a moment, she almost believed him, buying into the fact that some student would report her for a minor incident, leading her to suffer consequences for an otherwise benign action. But she quickly snapped out of it, almost as instantly as she’d believed him. Looking at Evan, it was clear that there was something that he needed to say – that this was just a cover to get him to say it. Emma glanced around her, watching as the other students rushed away at one glare from Evan Rosier. “I can think of a broom closet or two,” she murmured, just loud enough for him to hear. “Though do you really think this is a smart choice? We shouldn’t be seen together, Evan. You’re the one who said that. I’m trying my best to do what you asked. What needs to be done.”

the complaint was a ruse but at least anyone who overheard would believe it, with her recent behavior or at least what she’d reported to him it was certainly plausible. he saw that she believed it too for a moment before she figured it out and he was glad he didn’t have to explain that at least. the hallways cleared and he was sure of it, casting a charm to prevent eavesdropping plus an alarm spell. he’d spent a lifetime perfecting charms like this, if only he could use them for more interesting things. he didn’t want to do this crammed in a broom closet and it wouldn’t matter if they were seen, not after what he had to say. “i know emma and i’m grateful. but it won’t matter, won’t be so stressful --- if we were truly broken up. i was so happy yesterday after we ---but then bertha’s paper came out and it names us as a cute couple. it talks about how awful ellie and i are together and that you and i are better. my parents get copies of it, ridiculous rag as it is.” they’d see all of that, they’d think he hadn’t ended it, that he was humiliating elodie. they’d all suffer for it and he couldn’t let that happen again.

“it’s hard not too –she’s just, kind? seeing what i’ve seen –” he trailed off, he wasn’t going to betray her trust and get into the theories about her family he already had festering in his head, “it’s just – i’m surprised that she’s who she is, you know? i’m grateful –” he admitted quietly, the worst feeling he had until they had sometime together was the fear that she wasn’t kind. that they were going to despise each other – that they would blame one another, it was so easy to fall into that pattern when backed in to a corner, but they had been better than that. smile widening as he tossed a pillow at the boy, “thank you–” he murmured, flustered to say the least, if anyone ever wished the best for frank and he knew it was nothing but the truth, it was evan rosier. “barely a month and all of this happened? how are we going to survive the year?”

“maybe keep it vague? i don’t want to betray her trust – i also don’t want him to go unpunished–” he admitted, “the feeling is mutual –” he murmured, he would trust evan with his life, “i can only trust you – no one knows me or my intentions better than you –” sometimes he wondered if the boy knew him better than himself. “you think it’s ever going to be normal? it’s been more than a year and i can’t look at her without reliving it all – friendship seems like a dream at this point. an unattainable dream –”

“you knew about the curse from mulciber?” he questioned, eyes widening, “that’s what i was talking about earlier – who told you? this is great, you know. i’m not betraying anyone –” relief coursing through him. “you’re not wrong –” he sighed, “it’s just – i feel like i need to help her, that it’s the least i can do after everything, but hestia jones doesn’t need saving –we should make a pact, to stay clear of our exes or well - try to regain some normalcy–”

he would listen to frank talk about alice all damn day, he was chuffed to bits they were getting on so well and it made him feel hope for the first time in a long time. “could say the same about you mate, or me. our backgrounds make you think we shouldn’t be who we actually are. i’m not making much sense, am i?” he smirked, he didn’t even care for once. and he knew why frank was so grateful, after watching him and elodie explode, it felt like very little to ask for to have alice be kind. “everything needs to slow down mate, i can’t sustain this level of drama all year, i’ll drop dead of exhaustion.”

“you’re practically my brother frank, and we’ve been living together for almost seven years. plus we’re just --- we understand each other, similar backgrounds and all that. makes it easier of course but i’m sure we’d have been fine anyway.” some people just clicked, but evan was immensely grateful he’d met frank, he’d be lost without him. “to be honest? no, because it didn’t end normally. just like me and elodie, the wounds are old but still open because we never talk about it, we just yell and blame each other. and i might be mature about it here but i can’t seem to manage the same when she’s in front of me. i don’t think it can be normal when there is hurt involved.” it was a harsh and sad reality but a reality nonetheless. evan couldn’t get over what elodie had done, and she felt the same and it ruined everything. but if no one was willing to compromise nothing would change and he wasn’t about to be the one to blink, he felt he already had.

“honestly, i think i’m just focusing on being her friend right now, dating didn’t really cross my mind – we’re partners,whether we chose to be or not – i just want us to have a solid foundation, you know?” dating had been the last thing on his mind, he couldn’t shake this new feeling – these nerves that came from being around her, it was like a flurry of butterflies, but there was still so much for them to do, it seemed like the least of his concerns. “i think i understand why they chose her –” he admitted, “my mum is peculiar and she would thrive – she’s strong. stronger than i think she gives herself credit for –” he rambled, finishing with a shrug as a small smile stayed etched at his lips. “thank merlin –” moving to crouch down near the snacks, “remind me to restock during the next hogsmeade trip – i’ve been lazy –”

“that would be for the best –” he agreed grimly, “i think you should have a chat with hestia – it’s not my place, she was reluctant to agree and i don’t want to betray her trust, i just do think we possibly have enough to do something about him – sealing his fate in detention can only keep him at bay for so long –” weary smile at his lips, “thank you for trusting me –” the fact that evan was willing to act on his word alone spoke volumes and it wasn’t the type of trust he would get just anywhere.

“i can practically say good bye to any progress we have made –” he knew he was sealing their fate to some extent, he had always struggled to put himself out there – even with hestia, talking about the intimate details of his life - it made him feel exposed. he couldn’t seem to step out of that discomfort, “i don’t know what i’m holding on to -” he admitted, “i think i get why you worry about emma – i mean, besides the feelings – its just, i can’t shake that feeling of responsibility –” he muttered.

“it’s one of your most redeeming qualities –” he teased, “of course i will, i’m still tutoring her in potions, should be easy to keep an eye out for bruised hands–” a hint of a smile at her lips, “evan, emma vanity is strong. she might be breaking right now – but she’s going to be fine, i can feel it –”

evan nodded, that was likely the best approach. just because they were betrothed didn’t mean they had to rush things. in fact, they could take their time, it was almost nice. but he also knew frank was the sort to go slow, he needed time to sort out his feelings and thoughts and it would be good if alice felt the same. “i definitely understand.” and there came that slight feeling of jealousy too, because evan wouldn’t get that with elodie and he had lost it with emma. sometimes betrothals were terrible things and sometimes ---they weren’t. he’d spend his time cheering on his friend and doing what he could to help. “sounds like you’re learning a lot about her, and you like what you see.” he half teased, raising an eyebrow in franks direction. “i’m just happy you’re happy.” neither of them knew how long or if it would last so he’d hold on to this as long as he could he supposed. “lay? no, i think we’ve both been busy with a lot of drama. not even a month in and i need a break.” he sighed and laid back on the bed. 

“i can talk to her, sure. but do you think she’d be upset that you told me? I mean, i heard rumors but nothing substantial, she’d know it was you.” he’d talk to the girl but didn’t want to get frank in anymore trouble. if anyone knew about irate ex girlfriends though it was evan. he propped himself up on his elbows to look at frank “there’s no one i trust more in the world to be quite honest, including emma.” and he meant that, it wasn’t just some bullshit reassurance compliment. 

“i’m sorry to hear that, mate.” and he was, he knew it was important to frank but with exes, things didn’t often go to plan. there was history and blame and all sorts of things to sift through. “but at some point you have to know it isn’t your responsibility. that hestia is her own person and her choices are not yours to make or judge. I struggle with that constantly with emma, because she’s vocal about her needs and her reasonings. but i think if i try to take ownership of her choices i’m just being controlling and i don’t want to be that guy.” 

She could barely focus on a thing that happened in any class that day. Professors droned on and on about their subjects, leaving multiple students – not just Emma – to struggle to keep their eyes open. To keep herself busy and to look like she had been paying attention, Emma doodled in her notes, abstractly trying to find a way to express the overwhelming sense of happiness that remained with her, even a day after she’d been with Evan. As soon as class was over, she stuffed her notes back into her bag and made her way to the door. She wasn’t in a rush. She had nowhere to be. But the second that she saw Evan standing outside of the door, Emma froze. A panic came over her – hadn’t he been the one to tell her that they couldn’t be seen together? They weren’t supposed to even look across the room at each other, much less talk. Something drastic must’ve changed in him for him to be there. Or maybe he’d forgotten. Maybe he didn’t care. But Emma wasn’t going to be the one to ruin what little bit of a chance they had to be together. Giving him a desperate look, hoping that he would read her mind and realize that she knew they needed a more private place to talk, Emma brushed past him. “We aren’t on speaking terms, remember?”

he hadn’t expected her to brush him off like that, he was obviously there for a reason and thought she’d be clever enough to discern that. but she was still playing the game, pretending they were nothing in public just in case. it broke his heart to see it, to know he had to ruin it. “this is a prefect matter, a student reported you.” he glared at those few students who dared to linger, hoping to see some drama and watched them scatter away quickly. the hallway was empty for now, but it still wasn’t the best place for this. “somewhere better you know of?” he said quietly, willing to meet her there.

“we’re going to have to agree to disagree then –” grinning, “see – saying that you want to say i told you so is basically saying i told you so, you know?” he could see the genuine delight in his eyes, talking to evan. it was easy –it had always been simple, he didn’t feel like he was letting someone in too much, he didn’t feel unreasonable, he just felt heard and that was a rare thing. “she makes me want to try –” he admitted, “i was dreading it and trust me, this is not my ideal situation, but maybe it won’t be bad? i don’t feel alone – which is saying something –” eyes drawing to the stash in question, “do we have any pasties left? i’m starving and i’m not in the mood to risk a trip to the kitchens–”

“yes – i mean, attempting. i think we both got sick of the blame game and then she told me some things, speaking of which – we need to talk have a conversation about muliciber. that fucker is getting out of hand, evan–” all traces of amusement gone, “she confided in me and it took her alot to do so – i should have told her, it’s just it’s hestia. how could i?” 

“evan, she’s going to fall apart regardless of if you do it now or later – you need to let her piece herself together. after hestia – fuck, i hated everything and i wasn’t my normal sunshine self as you remember, it took a while. she’s going to do what she needs to do and you need to let her, you’re not accountable for her actions –”

“fine with me.” he said, mirroring franks grin. this was how things should be but he was very much looking forward to the first quidditch match of the season, for them to get out all the stress and take their frustrations to the sky. in fact, perhaps they should just go practice, blow off steam. “you have no idea how thrilled i am to hear that, honestly. if one betrothal can end happy that’s more than i’d have predicted. maybe you two might never have considered one another otherwise, but it’s actually a proper match.” fate would be funny that way, maybe it could also blow in evans direction. “maybe it won’t be bad is sometimes all we can hope for, but i do think you might get a lot more than that. are you and alice considering dating?” they didn’t have to but it might be nice, and helpful and evan would be glad to see his mate stay happy. “yeah actually, lucky you.” he moved out of the way so frank could grab what he wanted from the compartment, a loose floorboard they’d found in second year and had used for such purposes ever since.

the tone changed and evan shut it so he could listen proper. mulciber was a name he’d heard a lot too and the year was so young. he didn’t have many details but he knew something had happened to mary macdonald and now he’d read that something had happened to hestia jones. it shouldn’t be allowed to continue. “i can call a meeting with all the prefects and the headmaster, including anyone willing to be present as a witness. we can document it heavily beforehand as well so we go in with evidence. I don’t know much but i believe you and your reaction says a lot.” evans job was to keep them all safe and he’d be damned if he ever ignored franks sincere anger. 

“i know you two have a lot of baggage, it’s understandable you’d be reluctant to share every detail of your life with her. and besides you told almost no one of your betrothal anyway, if it wasn’t for jorkins i’m sure you’d have kept it quiet indefinitely, as is your right. you get to choose what to share with who, and why. but it sounds like whatever you were trying to repair has you second guessing your decision.” 

“no, you can’t hold someone back unless they want to be held back –” quick to rid him of that thought, no one attracted guilt like evan did, his conscience was both the best and worst thing – he couldn’t imagine what that internal debate was like. “and stop – you’re the least selfish person i know, evan you’re borderline saint like –” 

“oi – relax” he chuckled, “you have nothing to be sorry for – she’s honestly wonderful” he admitted, “i mean – we’re both clearly messes about this, but merlin ev – she’s something. i get why no one had anything unkind to say about her, i wasn’t wishing it – but everyone has something. she’s just kind and we have a lot in common –” he admitted, “you were right, a conversation was a good place to start, it’s just our life is now exposed to the world thanks to jorkins and that’s the exact reason why i’m hiding out in our room. if i have to hear congratulations one more time – i just might lose it –” a frown toying at his lips as his final worry escaped, “should i have told hestia before hand? am i a prick for keeping this from her?” 

“you just have to be honest – don’t sugarcoat it, just tell her that you’re not in a place where you can’t give it your all and make it clear that you’re doing this for you, not her – she’s going to fight you if she thinks you’re protecting her again –”

“that’s quite true, especially for us.” he laughed, he and emma both could be so stubborn and so particular. no one made either do something they didn’t want to, until now. it was new territory for them and neither was handling it well. “saint like? i doubt that.” but he blushed anyhow.

he was so relieved to hear that frank and alice were getting on, frank deserved that, a happy future and life. “i want to say i told you so, but i’ll refrain.” he had mentioned that alice was a good person but to hear frank gush lifted his spirits greatly. this was such a difficult situation and frank had been so distraught, to know he was doing alright helped greatly. “hide as long as you like, i get the spotlight can be a bit much. but you and alice, it sounds good. sometimes a simple conversation is enough but the very possibility you could be happy mate, it’s more than enough for me.” he wasn’t even jealous, how could he be? frank was the sort of person who gave so much of himself to others, he deserved both the happiness he was beginning to find with alice and the privacy to do so. “yeah, that paper has been causing a lot of fallout, good and bad. at least we have some of our stash left, some butterbeer and such.” he’d bring frank meals if he had to but thought his mate might be fine come supper. 

when he brought up hestia evan paused. “you two are speaking again?” that was a surprise, things had not ended well for them but leave it to frank to be friends with an ex, one who cheated on him to boot. “i can’t answer that without all the information. but i want to go on instinct and say no.” 

it was wrong to take her problems out on evan, she was sure he was just looking out for the well being of the students. doing his job and all. “ thank you, ” she said, appreciative of his words. “ having someone to talk to might actually be kinda nice, ” delphine let out a small laugh, a smile to go with it as he squeezed her shoulder. “ well, if you’d really like to help me lift my spirits - maybe you could start by helping me find whoever this little one belongs too, ” she looked down at the cat, surprised at how content they were in her arms. “ i wanna find the owner and let them know what happened. we could even do some of that talking you mentioned, ” there was a casualness to her voice.

“evan, you don’t deserve to live your life in halves – neither of you do–” the only person he would remarkably consider besides alice, it might have been hestia and if their past hadn’t been so broken. would he have endured the same? could he live two lives? no. he could barely get by with the one and he couldn’t imagine doing that to alice, they had actually gotten off on a good start. 

“it will – absolutely. it’s going to tear you apart little by little, because trust me – you’re going to see her and you’re trying to be normal, but you keep thinking about the good ol’ times before all the pain and tears –” he rambled, jones clearly creeping into his thoughts as he ran a hand though his hair and took a deep breath, this wasn’t about him. he had a friend in clear distress, “i don’t think you should continue – not until you know where things are going to be with allaire, but your choices are your own. i’ll tolerate you regardless –” he teased, smile at his lips. 

he felt badly, he kept putting this on frank and he’d always been the decisive one. frank had his own worries, his own betrothal to deal with and while yes, they were best mates, evan was starting to feel he was unnecessarily burdening his friend. “no, we don’t. and it’s a dream to find a way out but why tie ourselves up in compromises on that hope? why not just ---deal with our current reality and come back to one another if we can? do you think i’m holding her back, frank?”

she was surprised – to say the least – at what he said. “ i … i apologize, ” delphine said, fingers softly brushing against the soft fur of the feline in her arms. she was afraid that the rising of her voice had upset the animal, who had already been through enough. “ i didn’t mean to infer that you said anything of the sort, ” her gazed moved from where it had dropped to the cat, travelling up to meet the face of the head boy. “ my anger is directed more at other people in this school, as well as other things going on in my life. i want to do well in this position, really i do, but it feels like no matter what i do i’m always screwing up, ” she wanted to be a good head girl, to make her father and mother proud, but the lack of confidence from others made it wane from herself.

“ i never threatened them with bodily harm !  i was vague. i told them they would loose more than house points – meaning privileges like going to see quidditch matches. but not once did i threaten to hurt them. i know they’re children. believe it or not i’m not incompetent, ” or a monster. delphine tried to contain herself. “ maybe i would know what better to do if people would help me and teach me instead of constantly belittling me and letting me know how unqualified they believe i am for this position, ” she snapped before sighing. control your temper, dove. her mother’s voice rang in her head. “ sorry … ”