Razvan Florescu

As an AMAB I've never really felt like the term "man" was really for me, and growing up trying to fit into that mold has been the cause of so many mental issues and toxic behavior which has spanned for pretty much my entire life. I never put too much thought into it out of fear of being further outcast (I'm also Jewish and have experienced violent racism since I was in 3rd or 4th grade) so I kind of learned to keep my mouth shut about being different from others.

In the past couple of years especially with lockdown and more time for reflection and whatnot, I started to try and put aspects of my life in perspective. I'm still not sure if it's body dysphoria I've been feeling, but I always felt like something was... Off. I've always had the desire to wear more feminine clothes and have less "blocky" features. Even as a kid I used to dream about having long hair, makeup, etc. As a 30 year old adult, it was hard to come to terms with. The concept of your typical patriarchal values have been so deeply drilled into my head that I actually felt slightly guilty every time I challenged them. Obviously I always knew those values were total bullshit, but unlearning a lifetime of propaganda isn't easy.

I finally gathered up the courage to talk to my best friend about it. I told him I absolutely have to leave behind any and all patriarchal values in order to move on with my life, and this includes challenging how I've been feeling about my identity for over two decades. I've been feeling it in my head, like a fire that needed to be released. It's one thing to say it to yourself, but when I told him "I think... I'm non-binary", I could instantly feel my body loosening up. I didn't even realize that I was choking up when explaining everything beforehand. I knew he would accept me for who I am, but just admitting to it out loud to another person was simultaneously one of the hardest, and one of the most liberating things I've ever done in my life. I haven't come out to anyone else in person yet, however I feel like I'm going to have to eventually. In time.

If you're still here, thanks for reading this long ass post. I usually just like to post pictures and the occasional meme, but I really needed to get this off my chest and get back to living my life.