yikes

*goes to Coachella in a white linen suit like an antebellum lawyer, sweating profusely and dabbing at my forehead with a handkerchief* now, I’m no fancy scientist, but would you folk know where a simple gentleman such as myself could obtain some acid? Now, I’m no big city lawyer, but could any of you fine youths point a country boy such as myself in the direction of some fucking acid?

easily a contender for post of the decade

grocery store mission barely accomplished took massive damage to the hull and all internal systems. shield repair could take days

conclusion: a vampire is a fish

in california vampires are classified as fish for environmental protection reasons

vampires are a bees

"what that mouth do" gnaw and chew and munch and nibble and chomp and bite u

can somebody close the door i can't reach it

Knowing a fic author through AO3 is like attending someone’s thesis presentation and politely clapping at the end, knowing a fic author through this hellsite is like going over to their house at 3AM to watch them eat mayonnaise out of a jar

Sometimes I attend somebody’s thesis presentation and I’m so impressed that I follow them home to watch them eat mayonnaise out of a jar at 3am.

Sometimes I watch someone eat mayonnaise out of a jar at 3am with such fervour I am compelled to attend their thesis presentation

some of y’all with printed copies of fanfiction are going to die someday and your books will end up at the secondhand book shop and someone is just going to innocently pick up blorbo/shitto enemies to lovers and when i think of it this way let’s keep printing fanfiction

you might be goth but you’ll never be fucking the grave of your unconsummated lover, who you poisoned to death (in the center of a hedge maze), in a rainstorm, on the grounds of his castle goth

Put me out of my misery (hold me).

the reason it’s so awesome when the bass at a concert replaces your pulse is that it’s the closest you can get to someone breaking open your ribs and squeezing your heart really hard in their fist

i’ll krill you. you won’t resprawn. shrimpleton

Every fall out boy song is like *nonsense lyric* *nonsense lyric* *the most profound cunt serving couplet in the English language since Shakespeare that sends you straight back to middle school* *nonsense*

one of the most galling experiences of being out in public is when you're in a store or on a bus and someone has brought their poorly trained, really nervous dog inside and the dog is doing that thing that dogs do when they're not properly socialized enough where it sprouts smaller and smaller fractal versions of itself that are all also sprouting smaller and smaller fractal versions of themselves. et cetera. and it's really hard to call the owners out on because the kind of person who would bring a fractalizing dog into a public space is also the kind of person who isn't going to respond positively to criticism about it. sometimes i even feel like they're practically daring someone to say something about it. at times like these i just try and stay calm and focus on how it would have felt to be ancient European royalty about to be tossed into a peat bog by my subjects. takes my mind off it.