Anouk

And I thought of today, it's my deceased sister's birthday. So I asked mom, "what is it that we're celebrating? She didn't make it." she would have been 29 today.

Mom told me, "We're celebrating another year of not letting her memories die. It's lived 11 years now and we haven't let go of it."

My dad did. My sister did. My mom did. I did.

I am 17. I am only in high school and yet I have learnt so much because I have been so insecure about myself. And the first lesson that I leant was to not be insecure about MYSELF. That. That lesson right there kills or slices right through half of your other insecurities.

Insecurities about my friendships, about my score in school, about my skin.

Dropping insecurities does not mean that you start living like a hippie and stop caring about yourself. Even hippies looks after themselves. Not being insecure means that now, you don't care of what the world has to say about you. What you say to yourself matters. How you see yourself matters. It's like a competition...

With yourself.

That's all that matters.

I had started to feel slightly selfish after I went through my posts today. All I talk about is how I feel, how I want things to be like. But today I saw humanity die all over again. In Kerala, a southern state of India, an elephant carrying a baby in her belly was hungry, she was offered a pineapple by the natives. Little did the poor creature know, that that pineapple she thought would help her survive will be the cause of her death. That delicious looking fruit had explosives in it. The would-be mother in an attempt to sooth her blasted mouth ran to the nearest river and died there. Because obviously, it would have not helped her anyways. Another such incident happened in Himachal Pradesh, a northern state in India, this time a cow was fed explosives in flour dough. Firstly, feeding raw dough would have killed the cow anyhow, but at least that would have been much less painful for her and her unborn baby.  I am an Indian and I know the linguistic and cultural disparities my country has. Those disparities that we are still trying to overcome, but I see no difference in Kerala and Himachal Pradesh here. I see no use of the conflict between a ‘South-Indian’ and a ‘North-Indian’. Because clearly, at both the halves of the country we are all monsters. Wouldn’t be fair if I just talk shit about my country. No it won’t be justice to those Dolphins and Whales that were killed in lieu of a festival in Denmark. Hundreds of headless and fin-less fishes lie on the shores of Torshavn bay, and here’s the surprise! This isn’t one time! Every summer, around 800 pilot whales are massacred. Why? Because inhabitants prepare for harsh winters ahead! Why not?! Of course human lives matter more than stupid fishes’, right?! After all if humans die, how will the economy work? How will countries develop? How will the Biosphere die? I feel ashamed being a part of this race. But I will try my level best in making myself heard and making up to these beautiful creatures on Earth.

Also, I thought we would have understood by now that it was nature that got too fed up of human activities that it pushed us in. What human does the same mistake twice? Oh yes, a stupid one.

I don’t like to cry. Why? Well because, tears are basically water and they wet my face (anybody’s, as a matter of fact) and then I keep wiping them and they keep falling and then my hands get wet too. It’s turns into a vicious cycle! DAMMIT! 

Right. That ain’t why. But it’s the fact that takes a lot of energy. A lot of strength. So much of thinking. So many memories. And so much of loneliness. When I cry, I want to be alone. But crying is the only activity that brings people to you, ever since you’ve been a baby. I mean yes as a kid you love the attention but by the time you turn 16 and a half, you don’t really like the attention and people. But people forget their own moments like these. The more crowded it gets the more suffocated you get and the more you feel like crying but because there are people you don’t want to cry again. And there’s another layer in the bottle that’ll wait for a long while now. 

Crying is said to not be a indication of weakness. Honestly that’s true. You see, It takes “Strength”. But then I don’t wanna show-off man! Come on! My energy is being saved for the war. I can’t just waste it like that. But then these stupid windows break off and then the rain pours out for people to notice. Thanks EYES! 

But because no body will take the time to understand this, I’d stick with

I don’t want to be stuck in the vicious cycle. Thank you :)

How can  you just forgive? Isn’t it always forgive and forget? 

Writing this now I don’t feel like minding the punctuation, all that I wanna do right now is pore everything out, but when you can’t trust your close ones. How do you learn to trust the world?

And that is why I share this post today till only here.

Today, when I am over from having lost someone damn important to me, I sit and talk to others, I hear so many other people coming on to the same path as I and that person. And funnily, I used to think that it’s just how humans are. They change. I forgot, I too am a Human, a homo sapien, a hooman! 

So the last person I spoke to about their relation falling off, they told me they were pulling their hand away now. I was stunned. This was my first. I had mostly spoken to those who had been left or are left holding. So I asked, “why?” They told me their story. And one statement, it struck me. “When the other person in the bond starts saying out loud all that they have done for you, it’s like time to just take the clue that, that friendship, relation, bond is just hollow now. It has no meaning anymore.”

With a jolt, my mind went to all those days back, when I lost someone, I had kept questioning, ‘why?!’ But got no reply from them. Or even from within. All I heard was that, that I am very aggressive. And to find the fault, what I did? I kept counting. I made a whole list of all that I did. And truth be told, all of it unintentionally. I had no realization what I was doing. I just wanted to save that bond so desperately, I did whatever I could. But because it’s gone, it’s gone.

If they read this someday, I’d just like to say, “I am bold and strong enough to accept my flaws and faults. I could have said this to your face, but you don’t wanna stand in the same room as I. So this would be the last and only sorry, I’m ever gonna say to you now. Sorry.” 

And I guess everyone needs to do that. Needs to do this, tell a final sorry or thank you or maybe someday,

Goodbye.

Dabbing her eyes with the cotton, Wiping it with the old rag. She was sitting by the balloons, Waiting to pack her first school bag.

I let the window up, As my dad told to. But with her hand on the glass, I saw how parallel we were. 

Dark skin, of dirty hands, Covered under a mud blanket. Compared nowhere to the toned, well kept ones, That hadn’t known the truth.

I could never know the pain she held, The desire of books she had, Were no equal to mine, of a fluffy bed. I, who wanted a mansion, Hadn’t been aware of the need of a roof. Long after now I know,

So, today I was doing some random chores and I was having these weird memory flashbacks. Well, I suppose Quarantine has taken  a toll on me already! But what I notice after a few minutes was that, that I was smiling. Yeah, we do that, I mean remembering old times and smiling like a goof, we do that often. Because we always want to live that moment over and over again. Even more, when we know that nothing like that will happen ever again because of xyz reasons. 

But what made me write about this today was that I actually, really like seriously wondered, how many time do I genuinely smile now? And then instead of an answer another thought came, am I so used to to faking a smile that I have forgotten my real genuine smile? Is that even possible?

For all that I, a 16-year-old, know is that, yes maybe. And just like science uses experimentation and verification to verify and prove a theory, here’s how I got my verification.  Experiment 1: I went through my baby pictures in my mind all over again. My smile back then was huge! Like damn huge! Bigger than Dobby’s smile after he has been given a sock!! And when I replayed a few moments, I remember being happy from inside. From my heart.  (Quarantine Tip: Go through old albums with mum and dad, sibling too if you have them round. You’ll see how much your childhood makes you and them happy. I know baby pictures are embarrassing but you’ll laugh. For sure!)

Experiment 2: I smiled. Like intentionally. And... I felt no happiness on the inside. I thought of the most recent years and the moments when I thought I had been enjoying just know, I never was. Not with those who I called my favorite people after my family. And then I cooked a meal with my dad, and my heart felt nice! (Quarantine Tip: Do something productive with your parents. They’re aging. Now it’s they’re time to take the spot-light.)

Experiment 3: I played some music, and started dancing. Totally, out of no damn where, my lips had stared to curl upwards. Yeah just like they do when you’re on stage. You know like we’re told “Smile at the audience...”. So I was smiling to the imaginary, non-existent audience, which so happened to be seated on my single-bed. Ha-ha! Jokes on me! (Quarantine Tip: Do what makes you you. If you’re a painter, paint. If you’re a dancer, dance. If your a singer or a musician or a lyricist, sing or play or compose! If you’re a fellow writer, then do what I am doing. Write. And... if you’re a lazy panda, SLEEP! Spend time with your family with whom you are locked in, And spend time with yourself, Who knows if you get the chance later after you’re out in the world again.Take rest. Give your brain rest. )

So all my experiments came with the results that I have fake-smiled for so long now that it has become a habit of mine. I can’t say when my smile is real or fake. So in this time of quarantine find yourself. Be yourself cause there’s no one to judge, face it you’re locked with your family! 

Oh and fellow Indians, just 21 days counting today, please! Stay at home, stay safe, help your mom with the households like I am doing it! *giggle* 

AND KEEP SMILING PEOPLE!  CORONA IS A BOGGAT! KILL IT WITH LAUGHTER!

Cheerio!

P.S: Those who didn’t get boggat and Dobby references. This is for you...

‘A girl and a guy can never be friends.’

That’s what they heard as they walked in the corridors of their school. They shared lunches. The had the same classes all day. Once home they’d text each other. If one is absent the other will share notes. A sweet friendship. ‘Best friend goals’ is what everyone called them. 

But what was the reality? She was afraid. Afraid of losing him. And he was unaware. Unaware of her fear. The more he wanted to hang out with other guys, the more she feared and stubbly told him no.  The more she made the introvert talk. The more she felt it was wrong. She kept holding him back harder and harder. He kept creeping out faster and faster. They started to fight, more often. They started to scream, louder. It went from good to bad, to worse, and the worst came when he set his hand free in front of everyone and told her, he didn’t want to be friends with her. 

To ashamed of the humiliation she walked with her eyes stinging with tears, Head raised high and back straight as a wall. In the washroom of her school she cried silently, weeped hastily and suck in deep breaths. But once she walked out, her eyes weren’t red. her voice wasn’t thick. But she knew she just started to get sick.

It wasn’t going to be ‘Best friend goals’ anymore.