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@randomalienvents
Intro
So this is my vent account
I'm transmasc, depressed and trying to not die
I use any pronouns except fem ones
I'm here to talk about my shit and maybe ruin my digital footprint but I'm young and the youth needs to make mistakes
My main account is @randomalienyeet
Be young, be free, love everyone!
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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so because my physical health is deteriorating I decided to like, try to clean up my room because I tend to hoard things a lot and I don't know why I do it, and I don't even think it's a hoarding disorder. I just think it's a bit of a problem, because I see a shiny thing or a cool thing, and I want to collect it, and I'm pretty sure I shouldn't do that, so I sorted out some of my glass bottle collection because I found a live cockroach in one of my bottles, so I'm getting rid of half of my collection, which I don't want to let go, but I know is for the better. But I also decided to sort some of my meds because there is one specific type that I have gotten multiple prescriptions from multiple different doctors but neither time have they prescribed multiple boxes, they just give me one box and then a pack, I don't know how to describe it but I hope you know what I'm talking about, so I chose to put it all in one box. so I was looking in the boxes and I haven't read the safety/ side effect pack it in a while because they already have that conversation when we were getting me on those meds and BRO WHY is the paper so big??? And it's also double sided, and has that really thin paper that you only really see in like a form of holy book like the Bible. And I know that pills don't taste as bad as like liquid medicine, which is good, but you know the pills that taste so bad like not grape liquid medicine bad but pretty bad. And it leaves this aftertaste of it far in the back of my mouth, like dude, that is so annoying.
So I was going to make a really big post about what I said on my main account but I am not going to but recently my feelings for my gf has turned sour because of her direct actions and the feeling that she doesn't care because of those. It doesn't feel like she puts any effort into our relationship and I don't feel loved but I don't know how to say this without coming off as hostile. My CLOSE close friends know all the details cuz I used to just be blunt, but I have slowly developed full anger issues.
But I don't know if me becoming upset is related to the fact my med r antidepressants and the doctors said that it can have the adverse effect because it's not being used as an antidepressant but for my chronic migraines so I can get worse from being on it.
And I talked to my gf about this and she didn't apologize or even get off the call she was on, this was so important to me because these r my raw emotions and can't even spare me 5 minutes and I kept typing out telling her to get off the call but I never sent those messages which was so stupid cuz all I want is some effort and she said she was trying and that she did care but if u cared I wouldn't think ur lying to my face or doing stuff behind my back. And u say ur don't know how to function irl but I'm talking about everything online, nothing in person so that isn't even a valid point that shows u care. U don't even tell me good morning most of the time, I have to do it, just asking how I am and saying good morning is the bare minimum and u can't even do that most of time.
My gf is on this website and I have mentioned her on my main blog so online just know that I wouldn't get to close but don't show her this or harass her but her online presence is fucked.
If u want me to go in more detail then ask because I don't give a fuck, I might at her in this post cuz none of the friends who have all the details like her and think shes toxic so I think we have a problem. But I still love her and care about her so idk.
so me and her had another talk and now I just feel bad about how negatively reacted. idk what to do so basically anything I said about her in that post, I would take back because god idk, my anger tends to get ahead of me and I'm trying to work on it but I'm sorry, ok. She doesn't deserve how I snapped at her nor do I deserve how nice she has been to me.
But all my feelings are real and it would have been a lot worse if I didn't put them out at all. The reason I have this vent account is because recently I got really suicidal and I gave my closest people notes explaining everything, she got one too, and this was and the week I had planned it but I had gotten better but because I trust my mum with my true feelings the doctors didn't know if this was happening under the surface and prescribed to me antidepressants for my problems but one of the side effects was depression getting worse and I didn't feel this way towards her before I started to take them so is it all that?
I just want to be free but I feel like I'm pushing away everyone I care about and I think I'm dissolving into madness. I truly just want to end it all to get free but I would disappoint everyone around me. I can't go on and I don't think I'm ever going to that therapist that the other doctor told me to go to. I just want a hug, a nap and not to be forced it pretend everything is fine... Still don't show this to anyone I mentioned they can find it on their own time...
So I was going to make a really big post about what I said on my main account but I am not going to but recently my feelings for my gf has turned sour because of her direct actions and the feeling that she doesn't care because of those. It doesn't feel like she puts any effort into our relationship and I don't feel loved but I don't know how to say this without coming off as hostile. My CLOSE close friends know all the details cuz I used to just be blunt, but I have slowly developed full anger issues.
But I don't know if me becoming upset is related to the fact my med r antidepressants and the doctors said that it can have the adverse effect because it's not being used as an antidepressant but for my chronic migraines so I can get worse from being on it.
And I talked to my gf about this and she didn't apologize or even get off the call she was on, this was so important to me because these r my raw emotions and can't even spare me 5 minutes and I kept typing out telling her to get off the call but I never sent those messages which was so stupid cuz all I want is some effort and she said she was trying and that she did care but if u cared I wouldn't think ur lying to my face or doing stuff behind my back. And u say ur don't know how to function irl but I'm talking about everything online, nothing in person so that isn't even a valid point that shows u care. U don't even tell me good morning most of the time, I have to do it, just asking how I am and saying good morning is the bare minimum and u can't even do that most of time.
My gf is on this website and I have mentioned her on my main blog so online just know that I wouldn't get to close but don't show her this or harass her but her online presence is fucked.
If u want me to go in more detail then ask because I don't give a fuck, I might at her in this post cuz none of the friends who have all the details like her and think shes toxic so I think we have a problem. But I still love her and care about her so idk.
so i know I use this blog to vent but I'm currently in the process of trying to get help and I'm going on antidepressants soon, but not for long, because I was prescribed them not for my mental issues but because of my chronic migraines but it's better than nothing.
However, I do have to take a bunch of medicine every day and it's kind of annoying because I have to take them all at different times because I have allergy meds in the morning and then I have these supplement things that I have to take twice a day at dinner and breakfast, and then the antidepressants right before I go to bed, and then I have another medicine that I'm only supposed to use when my migraines get really bad
I hope these pills will make me stop being depressed and shit like that
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
so i really don't like talking about my gender dysphoria cuz it gets worse the more I think about it but this is a place to vent so I'm going to use it. truly my friends at school (well one in particular) and my romantic partner make it so much worse. My partner even after we had a talk about it, I feel like bringing it up again but I didn't say much about my experience with being trans but they might be reading this and if they r than talk to me cuz I'm haunted by the fact that my dead name is what u have me as in your phone cuz I told u my mum hated my chosen name but u could have left it be cuz my mum isn't going to be seeing it and on your very public discord account u have me as your gf but I know u updated that bio. I love u so so much but my god my name and how others proceive me is what I have the hardest time with dysphoria wise so it's almost impressive but my friend at school is somehow even worse so don't feel bad and I'm just now realizing I've been writing this directed at u but the friend isn't on this website so I'm going to say a lot about her. I have learned that 'privileged' straight cis women will say they support yet won't learn and hurt u more (this is from the view of me who is ftm so could be diff for mtf, all trans people are different.) Both last year and this year I've had people I saw as friends look me in the face and tell me I'm not a true man. At the very VERY start of this year my 2 school friends were talking about getting men pregnant and I said I was a man who could get gregnant and both had similar responses saying 'I wasn't the type of man they were talking about' or 'they meant a true man' and I don't know if I want to cry or get really pissed cuz the fuck u mean a true man, am I not a true man, like, bitch u play golf and live in a mansion at least let me be the man I aim to be god dammit! And last year this girl and I got into a real big fight cuz i just said Publix wouldn't be in 1800's England so then she kept calling me by my dead name and saying 'that who I truly am' my question is this: why little bitch girl? Why? I ended up crying while eating lunch that day in this sort of office cuz of this. I always ask myself if I'm truly trans or if I'm faking it but I get so miserable as a chick and like I cry so much cuz of this and I'm getting really suicidal at this point in time but I tried back in the 7th grade when I first found out I was trans, the only reason I'm still here is because I tried it using poison and I got the dose wrong but if I wasn't stupid with numbers I would be dead so I guess being bad at math has a upside.