A Fallen Man

There’s several reasons I’m not as active on this blog as I’d like to be.

Part of that is obviously the fact that most times I have to force myself to write replies. It’s unfair to my partners, and unfair to the muses involved. Another part is that in all honesty, I don’t even keep up with Doctor Who much other than media having to do with Salamander, which admittedly isn’t much. (The only time I really even tease the metaphorical version of the fandom is when I occasionally go on the wiki to see if any new media has come about or on TV Tropes to see if he ever got his own character entry (which he has).) This is part of why the way I squeezed THoD into the mix seems kinda rushed and forced, but the way I did it seemed to work with the direction the blog went as time went on.

Speaking of which, another big part is just... the fact that I hate the direction I’ve been going with the character for years. I’ve felt this way for the longest time, and I’ve been unsure of what to do with it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m always happy to interact with people, but I feel like my disdain for the direction I’ve gone is a part of my lackluster writing skills, and I’m so sorry to anyone who’s had to deal with it like that.

I regret deviating from what I had going in summer 2013, where he was the same as canon, just starting to repent and try to do good things and help people. I think that was really the peak of my writing in regards to him, and any major changes to the character were nothing but detrimental.

There’s a part of me that really wants to reset back to that point, undo everything I’ve done and then some, and just start fresh. So, depending on how you all react, that’s what I may do.

Know that you’re under no stress to choose either way. Leaving it up to those I’ve RP’d with (and those who would be willingly to do so with me) is more or less also a gauge for how many familiar faces would be willing to join me (don’t feel bad if you don’t want to; you’re under absolutely no obligations to say yes and I’m always willing to try to find other partners).

If you’re like me and like to go back and read RPs we had together, then don’t worry. If I do go the way of restarting, it will be on an entirely new blog with as clean a slate as possible (meaning some things may stay while other go). I’ll even take my time to hammer out all the little fine details that took me years to do before hand. Honestly, getting this all off my chest now makes me feel much better, tho I know the chances of any of my old RP partners reading this and responding is slim (at least based on the reactions to my other posts). I’ve been thinking about this for several months now, but I’m so unused to making decisions without some sort of input from another that combined with the memories and the history here, it’s been incredibly hard to come to a decision.

*Silence. After a minute or two, Ramon sighs.*

“You can’t seriously be so depressed by this that you’ve stopped functioning as you used to. It almost makes me miss you tormenting me at every opportunity.”

[You don’t understand it from my point of view. When I was just having those flashes, I was fine! I could carry on like normal! But then we started looking into it. The more we found that triggered something, the more I felt like I didn’t know who I was. I haven’t felt like that in a long time.]

*Salamander sighs.*

[I know it’s hard to believe, but I was aware of my presence in your conscious before you ever were. I didn’t remember anything, not even my name nor where I came from. As far as I knew, I lived only to be a part of you.]

“Soooo, that means you decided to torment me... why? To get some sick sense of self-purpose out of a situation you didn’t understand?”

[I didn’t know what else to do.]

“And I understand that. It still doesn’t look good that that’s what your first instinct was to do.”

[You don’t seem to recall our first encounter with one another.]

“No, I do. Very well, in fact. You popped into my head, and the fact I could hear you but no one else seemed to be able to do so was utterly terrifying. In fact, I’m not sure how people hear you now when they weren’t able to before.”

[But do you remember what was said?]

“ ‘I’m your friend. You can trust me.’ Followed by proceeding to tell me nothing but absolute lies!”

[It’s not my fault that I didn’t know what I was saying wasn’t true!]

*Ramon groans, pulling a piece of paper out of his pocket roughly the size of a large index card.*

“Listen, we can either sit here and argue like this all day, or I can show you what I discovered! But I want to know if you are prepared for the answers I’ve been able to provide. I don’t want to share this with you if it means you’re going to regress back again.”

*Salamander rubs his face, sighing again.*

[OK. I... I think I’m ready.]

*Ramon flips the paper around, revealing an image of three people, two boys and one girl. The girl and one of the boys look a fair bit older than their  associate. Salamander stares at it, trying to comprehend what is in front of him. Ramon begins to point the people at.*

“The girl is my great-grandmother, Ramona. The taller male is her older brother Roberto, and the shorter male is their younger brother... Eztli.”

*The name seems to stun Salamander. He doesn’t seem to react to anything else Ramon says.*

“Their father was a business man in Progreso. One source I found says he was corrupt, but I could never find what exactly made people think that. Regardless, Eztli was something of a free spirit, never much minding the rules and was a womanizer, despite his age. He ultimately disappears, but no one knows for sure what happened to him as a body was never found, though his older siblings were able to surmount enough circumstantial evidence against their father to have him convicted.”

*Ramon turns back to Salamander, finally realizing he hasn’t said a word.*

“Salamander...?”

[Canela...]

*Salamander finally looks up.*

[You... you said... their father was convicted...?]

“Yes, though I don’t know why they suspected him for so long.”

*Ramon’s expression finally softens.*

“What’s wrong? Are you having more flashes?”

*Salamander nodes silently.*