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i do not âdelete sentencesâ when they start âhindering the plotâ i COPY PASTE THEM into a SEPARATE DOC made just for keeping all my USELESS LINES that i will also NEVER USE so therefore i should JUST DELETE THEM but i DONT because id FEEL BAD if i did
The broken look on Jaehyun's face hasnât left you, becoming a permanent stain in your memory. But you deserved it, or you thought you did â you fully believed that you deserved to feel just as broken, if not more than he was. You would carry on the guilt and the shame for hurting a man that had shown you nothing but adoration and love. But now you know he has hurt you too.
PAIRING â jung jaehyun x afab!reader
GENRESÂ â Â smut, fluff, angst, exes to lovers, forbidden romance, rich kids au
CHAPTER WARNINGS â none
WORD COUNT â 3.1k
AUTHOR'S NOTE â lol i'm sorry this took so long. i'm gonna be completely honest and say the next part will probably take a while too. thank you for being patient with me <3
series masterlist â previous chapter â next chapter
Itâs been two weeks since your encounter with your ex-boyfriend.
Your life has been rather quiet besides attending parties as well as gatherings your family were invited to. Despite them commenting on your odd behaviour, you agreed to put on a smile at each event, knowing how important it was to your father that you preserve the reputation of your family.
âAll this time, I thought I was the bad guy for breaking up with him, and to find out that heâs a fucking Jung?â you grit your teeth, wiping away your tears in frustration. âHeâs dead to me.â
âNot bad,â you comment as you lean over the railing. The skyline of New York lays in front of you along with the ever-serene East River, the moonlight highlighting the Brooklyn Bridge just beyond. âBut I gotta admit â the view from my bedroom in Seoul is still better.â
âOh yeah?â Jaehyun smiles, dimples prominent on his cheeks as he also takes in the view. When he turns to look at you, his head is tilted in a way that makes you want to smother his face in kisses. âIs your bedroom also in a penthouse thirty-five floors above ground level?âÂ
You let out an amused chuckle, playfully punching his shoulder. âNot quite,â you admit, recalling that while your bedroom only offered a partial view of the Apgujeong skyline, it also overlooked the quaint little red roofs of your neighboursâ houses down the street. âBut⊠it's home. And, to be honest, itâs the memories that come with that view that really makes it special.âÂ
Jaehyun hums in deep thought, before breaking into a full grin. âIf itâs the memories that make the view special, why don't we capture this memory now?â
He doesnât wait for a reply from you, already taking out his phone and snapping a selfie of the two of you with the city of New York as the background.Â
When he shows you the photo, you melt into your boyfriendâs embrace. âThat's beautiful,â you whisper, and the tip of Jaehyun's ears redden at your compliment. Â
âIt might not be home,â Jaehyun begins, laying a kiss on your forehead, âBut I hope that you'll show me your bedroom one day, and we can take a picture of us there too.â
You sigh and shake your head in awe. âI love you,â you say.
Jaehyunâs face crinkles into another grin. âI love you too.â
Tears welled up in your eyes again, and you sank into your bedsheets as sobs spilled from your body uncontrollably.
âHe lied to me, Rosie,â you had choked out, no longer caring if she still heard you. âWhat if heâs been lying about everything?â
âIf thereâs one thing I know, Jaehyun has never lied about how much he loves you.â
Your life returned to some degree of normalcy after that night. You meet up with your friends that you havenât seen since returning from the States, and you take pictures and post them online, projecting your life as a wealthy socialite on your social media.
Jaehyun hasnât reached out to you, and some part of you is relieved for that. You push any thoughts of him and New York away, determined to keep it as a distant memory. Rosie chides you, saying that erasing him from your mind isnât the healthy option, but as much as you love her, you know that she will never fully understand how you feel.
Youâre currently at Jihyoâs, having tea in her backyard veranda. The green hedges surrounding you are neatly trimmed, framed with multiple stone paths that lead further into the rest of her perfectly manicured garden. The sun dips low in the late evening, sunrays filtering through the roof and glinting on the silverware laid in front of you.
âYouâre telling me, that during the entire three you were in the States, that there wasnât a single cute guy that you hooked up with?â Minnie says incredulously, shooting you a look of suspicion.
You smirk, but behind the tint of your shades, youâre rolling your eyes. âI told you, there were maybe one or two â but I was mostly focused on my designs at the time.â
Itâs the recycled lie youâve been using from the moment you landed back in Seoul, from before you even found out the truth from Jaehyun. There was no way you were going to disclose to everyone of the unexpected summer romance you had while you were away, because you knew you also had to explain how that only ended in heartbreak.
Itâs not an entirely untruthful lie, though. There was only one guy that you slept with during your stay in New York.
Jihyo clicks her tongue, helping herself to more macarons. âCouldnât be me. Iâd jump the first hot guy I meet at a bar, and then I can check off Manhattan one-night-stand off my bucket list.â
You flick a piece of your muffin in her direction. âUnclassy. I had actual work to do, you know?â
Minnie gasps in mock surprise. âYou? Working? Since when have you worked a day in your life?â
Since the day your father told you the importance of your name.Â
Jihyo scowls on your behalf before you can respond, throwing her napkin at the other's head. âNot all of us can be heiresses to multi-billion dollar resort chains, Minnie!â
You almost snort at her comment. Thatâs ironic, considering how all three of you are exactly that. Heiresses.
Itâs how you met all those years ago. Your father, Minnieâs father, as well as Jihyoâs mother were invited to a fundraising event where you were arranged to sit at a table with a couple of strangers. You were freshly seventeen and had just made your debut in high society, and to say that you were nervous would be an understatement.Â
You were sat across from a beautiful girl with big eyes, whose trembling hands told you that this was also her first high society event, that she was just as edgy as you were. Something in you wanted to speak up, to say something to her, when another girl of your age arrived at the table. Something in her sharp, confident features intimidated you, but she introduced herself as Minnie and instantly eased you and the other girl into a conversation.Â
You discovered a lot about her that night â about how sheâs originally from Bangkok, how her familyâs enterprise is multiple decades old, how she made her debut years before you and the other girl did. You also learned about how the other girl, Jihyo, is set to inherit her motherâs fashion line once her parents decide sheâs ready. Both of them confessed that theyâve known since they were younger of the power and burden they would one day carry on their shoulders, and you knew at that moment that you had found your people. The three of you became inseparable ever since.
As Minnie and Jihyo continue to bicker, you glance at your wristwatch. Itâs half past 5, and you had promised your parents that you would be home by 6.Â
âWell, I better get going,â you declare before you finish the last remnants of tea in your cup. Your friends seem put out by your sudden statement, so you send them a smile. âDonât worry, weâll see each other soon. Minaâs engagement party is next weekend, remember? I will be seeing you then.â
Jihyo nods, stuffing the last of her macaron into her mouth and rising from her seat. âLet me walk you out.â
Once youâve said your goodbyes and are safely inside the back of your limousine, you take off your sunglasses and shove them into your bag. Youâre grateful for the peace and quiet, and youâre hoping that you could spend tomorrow all by yourself without having to worry about appearing perfect.
Before long, youâve arrived back at your mansion. Your familyâs new housemaid, Sara, politely greets you when you step inside. The atmosphere is quiet as you walk through the foyer, but when you turn the corner you hear muffled voices from the dining hall.
All three of your family members are sitting in their respective seats, their own array of pastries and sandwiches laid out on the dining table. Doyoung doesnât spare you a glance when you enter, too focused on his own meal. You greet your parents with a quiet âgood eveningâ.
From behind her cup of tea, your mother smiles. She gestures at the chair across from her with a nod of her head. âAh, youâre back. Come sit down, dear, we have something to discuss with you.â
You nod, taking the seat before helping yourself to some sandwiches. âWhatâs going on?â
âThe merger with the Kims is going well,â your father informs as he cuts into a slice of butter cake. âDivineBeauty shall be in our holdings very soon.â
Youâre well acquainted with the other Kim family. Though not related by blood, your father has been calling Kim Junmyeon his brother ever since they graduated business school together, and you know itâs always been your fatherâs wish to strike a business deal with him and his family one day. Junmyeon has two sons, one of whom you know very well.
You swallow any thoughts before your mind can recall your past with him. You turn to your father, humming in acknowledgement. âThatâs great.â
âWe just need a few final steps before we seal the deal, such as appearing as a united front with that family,â your father continues, and then his eyes rest on your face. âThatâs where you come in.â
Oh, hell no.
You have an overwhelming feeling that you know exactly where this conversation is heading, but you plaster on a nervous smile. âHow so?â
Your father avoids your gaze, suddenly taking an abnormally long time to chew his cake. You turn to Doyoung, but his eyes are still glued on the plate in front of him. Narrowing your eyes, you look to your mother for an answer. She opens her mouth to speak, and you note the hesitation in her voice.Â
âWe want you to be pictured at a cafe together with Junmyeonâs son Mingyu.â
The silence that follows is deafening.
You exhale through your nose, gaze dropping onto the plate in front of you. You donât say anything, fingering the fork youâre holding as if it could help your motherâs words sink in.
Finally, you sigh. âAnd if I decline?â
Your mother lets out a cry. âOh, honey, you and Mingyu were so lovely together!â she says, and you resist the urge to roll your eyes. âItâs a shame that things ended between the two of you, and this would be the perfect opportunity to fix things with him, donât you think?â
Fix things with him?Â
You almost laugh. If only your parents knew that there was nothing to fix, because technically, you and Mingyu never officially dated.Â
Maybe you would have. Mingyu was always in your orbit whether you liked it or not because of how close your parents were to his, and he was basically the only guy friend you had before you made your debut in high society. Even as children, you werenât blind to how attractive he was, but you had always seen him as a friend.
That was until a few bottles of liquor and one passionate night with him changed your dynamic forever.
Things with him were purely physical for a while. You suspected that he saw you as something more, and you wouldnât have been opposed to it â you and Mingyu could finally put a real label on whatever your relationship together was, but then your trip to New York happened.
You feel your parentsâ gazes on you now, watching you intently. Itâs always been their wish for you to end up together with Mingyu, you know that.
âIâll go on with the publicity stunt for you,â you eventually respond, eyes meeting your motherâs. âBut I canât promise you that it will be anything more.â
Your mother looks disappointed, but your father smiles approvingly. âExcellent. Iâll arrange for a photo op at Sweet Brew & Treats for you tomorrow.â
Brilliant. Just when you thought you could have tomorrow all to yourself, thereâs yet another event that requires your presence. The appetite you had just minutes ago has vanished in an instant, and you push away the plate in front of you with stiff hands.
You stand up from the chair, sending a curt nod to your parents. âIf youâll excuse me, Iâll need lots of rest for my appearance tomorrow.â
If they notice the tenseness in your voice, neither of them let on â instead giving you nods of their own. You suddenly feel Doyoungâs eyes on you, but you canât look at him. You grab your things and march out of the dining hall, your steps growing heavier with each second. Youâre back in the foyer and halfway up the staircase when you hear your brotherâs voice from behind you.
âYou met someone, didnât you? While you were in New York. And youâre still hung up on whoever it was.â
You donât even stop to look at him as you make your way up the stairs. âInteresting theory. You got any proof to back it up?â
If it was any other day, you wouldâve apologised for the sarcasm in your tone â but you wonât do it right now. Youâre too annoyed.
Doyoung continues to trail after you, and even though you can't see him, you could tell your brother is rolling his eyes. âDonât deny it, Y/N. I know how you are when youâve just been through a breakup.â
You sigh once youâve reached the top of the stairs, stopping to cross your arms against your chest. âOkay, and? What about it?â
âHeâs been single the entire time you were there, you know â Mingyu,â Doyoung states, stopping right next to you. âI donât think heâd be too happy if he discovers that you found someone else.â
You brother is one of the few people who know of your complicated situation with Mingyu, though he never really understood why the two of you never went beyond that just fucking around. You can tell that Doyoungâs gearing up to give you a lecture about it so you start to walk away.
Doyoung grabs your arm. âLook â Iâm not saying you should get back together with him, okay? I just want you to have an open mind when you see him tomorrow.âÂ
You almost scoff, instead you give him a cynical smile. âThanks a lot, Doyoung. Iâll be sure to do that.â
Your brother scowls, immediately dropping your arm with more force than necessary. âWhat is wrong with you? Iâm just trying to help!â
Somewhere between your irritation, thereâs a pang of guilt â but not enough to overpower every other emotion swirling in your head. You donât answer, instead walking down the corridor to where your bedroom is.
Doyoungâs still standing where you left him, and youâre hoping whatever else he wanted to say has died on the tip of his tongue. Your handâs on the doorknob when he speaks up again.
âYou left me alone with our parents,â Doyoung suddenly says. His tone is quiet, but thereâs something else in it â a conviction, an accusation, that it makes you stop in your tracks.
You shift your body towards him. The usual easygoing expression your brother wears is long gone, clear anger twisting his face into harsh lines. The sight of it sends a shiver down your spine.
âDo you know how difficult it is to deal with them by myself?â he asks you, tone growing harder with every word. âAnd now that youâre back, you don't talk to me. You just hide in your room every chance you get.â
âYou couldâve come with me,â you try to say, but your voice is so shaky that it comes out as a whisper.
Doyoung lets out a laugh, and the sharpness of it makes you recoil. âIs that really what youâre going to say? That I should have just dropped all my responsibilities and gone on a self-indulgent holiday with you, wasting away my life for three months?âÂ
The words sting, and you feel anger quickly flare up in your chest. âFuck you, Doyoung â you have no idea what I was doing when I was in New York!â
âAnd whose fault is that?â he claps back right away, clenching his hands into fists. âHow am I supposed to know what youâve been through when you havenât said anything to me? When youâve been hiding things from me?â
âSince when have you cared so much about every single detail in my life?â
Something in Doyoungâs expression softens at your words, so swift that itâs almost imperceptible. âWeâre family, Y/N. Families donât keep secrets from each other.â
You want to scream. You want to cry. You want to confess everything to your brother, to tell him that heâs right and you have been keeping something from him. You know once you tell him your secret, all of the troubles in your heart will instantly disappear.
But you canât do it. The truth is also a burden youâve carried since that fateful night of the gala. You know Doyoung cares about your familyâs reputation even more than you do, and he would never look at you the same way again if you tell him that the love of your life is Jung Jaehyun.
You turn to your door once more, fingers tightening on the doorknob as you deliver your final words.
the Knives Out filmmaking is fucking genius because it doesn't hide ANY of the murder mystery details that get revealed later on. The blood stain is ALWAYS on Marta's shoes. You can see Miles hand Duke his glass, take his gun and hide it. You see Blanc hand Helen the Klear. You hear the 'clangy clunk' of Jud hiding the flask in the first scene of Wicks's murder. You notice it all after it's revealed. It's not added in in the reveal scene. All of the clues are always there, you just DON'T SEE THEM. It just makes it feel so much more real.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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The broken look on Jaehyun's face hasnât left you, becoming a permanent stain in your memory. But you deserved it, or you thought you did â you fully believed that you deserved to feel just as broken, if not more than he was. You would carry on the guilt and the shame for hurting a man that had shown you nothing but adoration and love. But now you know he has hurt you too.
PAIRING â jung jaehyun x afab!reader
GENRESÂ â Â smut, fluff, angst, exes to lovers, forbidden romance, rich kids au
CHAPTER WARNINGS â substances (alcohol), reader has a panic attack
WORD COUNT â 3.2k
AUTHOR'S NOTE â the first part of my first fic series omggg. feel free to let me know if you want to be added to the taglist <3 also idk when i'll post the next part yet lol but some feedback would be very much appreciated !!
series masterlist â next chapter
Your phone feels heavy in your purse.
Youâre itching to reach inside and check for any new notifications, but your parents, hovering just a few feet away, stops you from doing so.Â
On your best behaviour, the both of you, your motherâs stern words echo in your head.
Doyoungâs somewhere mingling in the crowd, being on his best behaviour as you knew he would be. You suppose you should follow in his footsteps, but youâve been rooted to one spot on the ballroom floor for the past ten minutes. Your father glances at you every now and then, a disapproving look on his face, but he doesnât say anything.
And you know the reason why.
Even though youâve been back in Seoul for two weeks now, you havenât quite gotten used to the routine of attending galas and organising social events, despite the fact that your family has been by your side. Your friends assured you that time is all you need to readjust, but after three months in New York, youâve forgotten what itâs like to enter a room and having everyone know your name.
Just a few weeks ago, everyone merely knew you as an independent artist trying to make her breakthrough in the upper east side. You were free from any burdens or any pressure from back home â specifically, the burden of being known as the picture-perfect daughter of Kim Minseok, the CEO of Kim Conglomerate.
Your gaze drops to your purse, and then you scan the ballroom for your parents. You spot them a bit further into the crowd â they seem to be engrossed in a conversation with a man you recognise to be one of your fatherâs business associates, and your heart jumps at the opportunity.
âFinally,â you mutter, unclasping your clutch and reaching for your phone. Youâre about to unlock it when a voice cuts through your thoughts.
âDidnât Mother say no phones tonight?â
You donât bother looking up from the screen, rolling your eyes instead. âNo, all she said was to be on our best behaviour,â you clap back.Â
Thereâs an indignant retort from Doyoung, but you tune out his voice when you see that you finally have the reply youâve been waiting for. Your chest tightens as you open the message.
j: iâm sorry
What?
You donât know how long you stare at the screen, analysing the message, when Doyoung suddenly snatches it away and places it in his front jacket pocket.
âHey, I was reading that!â
âKeep your voice down!â Doyoung hisses. Youâre about to argue, but then you remember youâre still in public, surrounded by attentive eyes and cameras rolling. A dozen tabloid headlines appear in your head, and you bow your head in shame.
Doyoung sighs, fixing his jacket before taking your hand. âIâm just trying to save you a lecture from our parents. How can you appear to be the friendly socialite everyone knows you to be when youâre on your phone all evening?â
âDonât joke, Doyoung. That was fucked up of you to do,â you mutter, and despite yourself, you follow him as he guides you across the room. Thereâs a hallway in the corner that you passed earlier, and you heard that it leads to a terrace. Itâs quiet and private â exactly what you need right now.
âCan I get you a drink as an apology?â your brother quips, stopping right as the both of you are in front of the bar.Â
âFine, butââ you pause, head turning to the hallway. âCan you get the drinks and meet me outside? I just need a bit of air.â
Doyoung nods. âChampagne, then?â
You smile. âYou know me well.â
As Doyoung starts snapping out orders to the bartender, you turn on your heel and head towards the quiet hallway. Thereâs a few whispers and giggles as you walk past a group of teenage girls, but you ignore them, too focused on one thing and one thing only.
What did that message mean?
The terrace is chilly, offering you a breathtaking view of Seoul all the way up from the thirtieth floor. Now that youâre away from the commotion of the gala, youâre able to gather your thoughts.
You genuinely donât know what he means by that text. If anything, itâs you who should be sorry. It was you who chose to break his heart and fly six thousand miles away, even when he sobbed and begged you to stay.
You still remember the anguish in his eyes when you told him that you loved him, but you had commitments that were too important to ignore â and that your decision was final and there was nothing that he could say or do to change your mind.
You sigh and rest your arms against the terrace railing. The view is familiar, and the faint sounds of the city below bring you a strange sense of comfort. New York could never compare to this, because this is home. You are home â and thereâs no other place where you need to be.
The sound of footsteps becomes louder from the hallway, and you feel a presence step onto the terrace behind you.Â
âGot the champagne, Doyoung?â you smile, running a hand through your hair before turning to face your brother.
Only it is not your brother that you come face to face with.
The man thatâs been occupying your thoughts for the last two weeks stands in front of you. His hair is styled back and heâs clad in an absolutely dashing suit, a sleek gold watch adorned on his wrist. Heâs here, right in front of you, as if your own thoughts manifested for him to appear.
And suddenly, it feels like thereâs no air for you to breathe.
âJaehyun,â you gasp.
He looks just as handsome as you remember, his expression only marred by the crease between his eyebrows and the purse of his lips.
âY/N,â he whispers.
You donât know how long you stare at each other before you break the silence.
âWhat â what are you doing here?â
Jaehyun closes his eyes and exhales, his nostrils flared. He looks troubled, and a pang of guilt stabs at you. Of course heâs troubled â you chose to leave him heartbroken, and seeing you again would be the last thing heâd want right now.
âIâm sorry, Iââ you donât bother finishing the sentence, already preparing yourself to step away from him.
Jaehyun grabs your wrist. You flinch at the sudden contact.
âDonât you dare walk away from me again.â
Your gaze drops to where your hands are touching, before you look back up at him again. His eyes are darkened, but you could sense a touch of burden â no, a weakness â somewhere beneath the exterior.
Heâs still frowning. A part of you wants to reach for his face and caress his cheek and ease his worries, before you remind yourself that you canât do that â that you have no right to act like that anymore.
âY/N-â
âWhat the hell is going on out here?â your brotherâs voice barks out of nowhere, and you jump at the sound.
You pull your hand away from Jaehyun, turning around to see an almost animalistic scowl on Doyoungâs face. Heâs holding two glasses of champagne as promised, but youâre more focused on how hostile his tone was.
âDoyoung, y-â
âHey Kim, howâs it going?â Jaehyunâs voice sounds smooth as the words fall from his lips. He sounds almost confident â but his hands are balled into fists by his side. Your bewilderment only deepens.
âWh-â you start, only to be cut off once more.
Doyoung clenches his jaw. âAll good, if we donât have to cross paths again any time soon,â he responds, an underlying tension in his voice.Â
Now youâre completely puzzled.
He hands you a glass, and you take it doubtfully. He turns to you with a tight-lipped smile. âCome on, Y/N, Father is looking for us.â
Without another word, he grabs your free hand and practically drags you back inside. You stumble after him, almost spilling your champagne in the process. You turn back to see a final glimpse of Jaehyun, an unreadable expression on his face.
Once youâre safely in the hallway, you dig your heels in the ground to stop your brother from dragging you any further. Doyoung turns around, jaw still clenched, and you shake your head in disbelief.
âDoyoung, what the hell was that?â you huff in irritation, but to be honest, youâre more confused than anything else. âI donât understand why you-â
âThatâs the son of Jung Junseo, Y/N,â Doyoung says. âThe eldest one.â
The words were like ice in your veins.
âJung Junââ you stutter, âYou mean Fatherâs rival?â
Doyoung nods, his breathing ragged as he runs a hand through his hair. âThe younger Jung â heâs not too bad or whatever, but that one,â he exhales sharply. âHeâs the rotten apple. Anyway, Father said we shouldnât interact at all with that family,â he spares you a curious glance. âWhat happened out there? Was he bothering you?â
You could only shake your head, and Doyoung says a few more things that you canât catch. The room is starting to spin with the words swirling in your head.
Jaehyun. New York. The love of your life.
Family. Rival. Rotten apple.
Doyoung places a hand on your shoulder. âAre you sure youâre okay?â he questions, and then his face starts to darken. âIf Jung did anything to you, I swear to Godââ
âIâm fine!â you snap, and Doyoung shrinks back at your words. âI just need a moment, okay?â
Your brother looks at you hesitantly, before he nods slowly. You thank the heavens that he knows better than to disturb you in this mood. âOkay, but â donât be long. There are some people Father wants you to meet.â
âYeah, just â can I have my phone back?â
Doyoung looks irritated, but reaches into his jacket pocket anyway. âIf you get into trouble, donât say I didnât warn you, Y/N.â
You almost yell that you donât care, but the lump in your throat is far too big for you to say anything. You snatch your phone and hurry to the nearest restroom you can find, slamming the door shut behind you.
The second you set your things down, tears fall freely onto your face along with sobs you didnât know you were holding back. You clutch the sink in agony, hoping that somehow the pain in your chest will go away.
Thereâs only one person you can talk to about this.Â
With blurry vision, you tap away a message on your phone.
you: i need ti talk to ypu soon pls
rosie: ofc babe
rosie: whatever it is, just remember to breathe
Breathe.Â
You set your phone down and inhale. You lean against the sink once more as a way to ground yourself, slowly but surely taking deep breaths one after another. Before long, the pain in your chest subsides and your tears have stopped.
You exhale one last time before looking into the mirror. Your makeupâs ruined, mascara running down your cheeks and your foundation smudged. You could only imagine what the tabloids would say if anyone knew what just happened.
So much depends on reputation. Guard it with your life.
Your fatherâs words, spoken to you when you were just seven years old, ring in your head now.Â
Youâre Kim Y/N, and you will recover from this.
The champagne glass you forgot you had sits still in front of you, and you gulp it down as your liquid courage. Luckily, you also have a spare mascara wand, lipstick and powder in your clutch, so it doesnât take long for you to fix your makeup.
Readying yourself to leave the restroom, you check your phone one last time, finding that you have four unread messages.
doie: where are you? weâre waiting by the bar
j: terrace
j: 10pm
j: iâll explain everything i promise
Your eyes linger on Jaehyunâs texts for a second too long â and then you take a deep breath before pushing the door open.
You played the prodigal daughter for the next few hours, greeting everyone with a warm smile and the confidence they expected you to have. After mingling with the fourth businessman your father introduced you to, your mother gave you an approving smile, so you assumed your strange behaviour from earlier was long forgotten and you were safe from getting a lecture from them.
Despite it all, the texts you received from Jaehyun still lingers in your head.Â
Youâd be lying if you said you havenât been stealing glances at the clock every ten minutes, silently counting down the moments until you can escape from this party and get the explanation he promised he would give.Â
You know he owes you at least that much.
There were perhaps a hundred pairs of eyes on you that night, but you could only feel him. His gaze on you, his presence in the room haunting you.
Your relationship with Jaehyun â or rather, what it used to be â meant to be a dazzling and uncomplicated love, now sullied by the fact that heâs the son of your familyâs biggest rival. Itâs too much for you to think about, so you push the thought down before you have another panic attack.
When you step onto the terrace, Jaehyunâs already there. Heâs by the banister, overlooking the view of the city lights under.
The words leave your lips before you could even think of them.
âDid you know?â
Jaehyun doesnât turn to face you â not yet. His hands are buried deep in his pockets, and you know heâs deep in thought. Or you assume so, because itâs been two weeks since you decided to not know him.
âNot at first,â he quietly admits.Â
You canât stand that heâs not looking at you anymore. You stride towards him in defiance.
âSo when did you find out?âÂ
Jaehyunâs body is angled towards you, but he still refuses to meet your eyes. You want to scream at him, to tell him to stop acting like this and to finally tell you the full truth.
Youâre taken aback when his steady voice asks you: âDo you remember the night we had the picnic on the rooftop?â
Of course you remember. Jaehyun confessed something about wanting a classic date with you â so he took you to an empty penthouse you havenât been to before, where he laid out a blanket on the balcony along with a picnic basket full of treats for the two of you to enjoy.Â
âYes,â is all you can say, feeling dread beginning to creep up the back of your neck.
Jaehyunâs eyes finally meet yours, unwavering and certain. âThe day after, I got a text from Sungchan. He sent me an article about the family of our father's rival,â he breathes out, clenching his fists. âGod, Y/N, when I found out that you were a Kimââ
You can't listen anymore.
The memory of that picnic date replays in your head now. You remember wanting to ask him how he was able to get a penthouse with such a nice view, but Jaehyun had kissed you then and all your questions melted away. The rest of the night was spent devouring chocolates and counting the stars, and you believed that you would never get tired of the butterflies heâd given you that night.
Now the memory leaves a sour taste in your mouth.
âYou found out,â you hiss, âA month into our relationship? And you didnât think to tell me?âÂ
Jaehyun makes a move towards you, but you pull away. You can't even look at him â youâre too angry.Â
âHow was I supposed to tell you?â he throws up his hands in the air. âFor once, I wasnât known as the black sheep of the Jung family. To you, I was just some guy. I was me â and I didnât want you to look at me differently.â
You shake your head in disbelief, scoffing at his words. âNo, Jaehyun! The reason you didnât tell me was not because you thought Iâd look at you differently, but because you knew how much my family means to me, and you knew Iâd be against dating you since our families are rivals.â
âOur fathers,â he corrected.
âSame thing,â you respond icily.
Jaehyun falls silent, and the rollercoaster of emotions hits you like a punch to the gut. The betrayal, confusion, anger sinks in all at once, and you want to leave, but you still have a million questions to ask him. How could he keep this from you for this long? Was he ever going to tell you? What else has he been lying about? The questions swirl in your mind, but you can't find it in you to open your mouth and voice them.
After what feels ike an eternity, he speaks up again. âYouâre right.â
âWhat?â
âI know how you wouldâve felt about being with me if you knew who I really was. I knew you wouldâve broken it off as soon as you found out,â Jaehyun exhales, and he reaches for your hand. You donât realise that youâve been clenching it until his skin makes contact with yours.
You hate how the sparks still fly from his touch.
He intertwines his fingers with yours, and for some reason, you donât pull away. Your pulse begins to quicken, and you welcome the feeling, even if only just for a moment â the feeling something you thought youâd never have again.Â
He squeezes your hand unexpectedly, and your breath hitches.Â
âBut I didnât care, Y/N. I still donât. I didnât want to lose you,â Jaehyun confesses, closing the gap between the two of you. Youâre suddenly aware of how close his face is to yours, his hot breath hitting your cheek. He doesnât seem to notice how fast your heartbeat is under his grasp, only letting out a mirthless chuckle. âIn the end, I lost you anyway. I guess thatâs my karma, huh?â
âJaehyun,â youâre able to whisper, although you canât tell if thatâs really what you wanted to say.Â
âI want â no, Iâm here to make it right with you, baby,â he breathes, closing his eyes for a mere second. You could feel the conviction in his voice when he declares it. âI still love you.â
You let out a breath you didnât know you were holding. âMy familyââ
âI want to be a part of your family,â he pleads softly. âIf youâll let me.â
You gaze into his eyes, full of anguish and desperation. Jaehyun is here, laying his heart out to you, and it feels like deja vu. Heâs in his most vulnerable state, you know that.
You know because he's giving you the exact same look he'd given you weeks ago.
That broken look on his face hasnât left you, becoming a permanent stain in your memory. But you deserved it, or you thought you did â you fully believed that you deserved to feel just as broken, if not more than he was. You would carry on the guilt and the shame for hurting a man that had shown you nothing but adoration and love.
But now you know he has hurt you too.
You step away from his grasp, watching as his face falls.Â
âYou lied to me, Jaehyun. For months,â you whisper, voice wavering when you see tears well up in his eyes. âI donât know if I can ever trust you again.â
Jaehyun doesnât say anything as he watches you walk away.
The broken look on Jaehyun's face hasnât left you, becoming a permanent stain in your memory. But you deserved it, or you thought you did â you fully believed that you deserved to feel just as broken, if not more than he was. You would carry on the guilt and the shame for hurting a man that had shown you nothing but adoration and love. But now you know he has hurt you too.
PAIRING â jung jaehyun x afab!reader
GENRESÂ â Â smut, fluff, angst, exes to lovers, forbidden romance, rich kids au
WARNINGS â 18+ minors dni! smut (unprotected sex, overstimulation, breast play, oral [f receiving], face riding, praise kink, riding, possessive sex), profanity, substances (alcohol), itâs really angsty at first iâm so sorry, reader has panic attacks and cries a lot, reader has a past fwb relationship with someone else, lots of talk about family issues, slightly toxic family dynamics, shitty company names lol and probably inaccurate depictions of business talk, sexual tension, more tba
Pairing: Jaemin x reader
Description: If there was one thing Na Jaemin was known for, it was being a fuckboy with no interest in commitment. If there was one thing you knew him for, it was being your best friendâŠand long-time crush. When his group of guy friends gets tired of the roster Jaemin seems to be running through, they propose a deal - theyâd each give him $100 if he could settle down with one girl for at least three months. But that was easy money to Jaemin. After all, he could just fake-date you.
Content warnings: swearing, talk about sex, mentions/consumption of alcohol, a panic attack (not the reader), one punch gets thrown, reader has a somewhat bad relationship with her parents, their obliviousness to the otherâs feelings makes you want to slam your head against a wall, some angst but itâs mainly through unaddressed fluff. Please let me know if Iâve missed anything.
Word count: 31,947
A/n: I didnât know I could write this much, but after making my smau, I was ITCHING for written work ahahahhahahahaha. Please enjoy, though who am I to tell you what to doâŠas always, feedback would be greatly appreciated. I love you :) also because I must tag @fullsunstrawberry in everything I do...here you go - I love you the mostest!
Read the epilogue here!
The semester was in full swing for just over a month, and Haechan was already tired of the amount of girls Jaemin had brought over to their apartment. The first two years of university cemented Jaeminâs image as resident fuckboy, but no one cared about the fact that they couldnât keep him for more than a night because he was hot enough to make the one night worth it. Similarly, Jaemin couldnât care less about being labeled a fuckboy - at the end of the day, all it meant was that he was able to get his dick wet with no added pressure from the expectation to ever commit; the concept seemed like heaven to him.
âToo much funâŠâ Haechan adds under his breath.
Jaemin looked around at the group with furrowed brows. âWhatever is going on, can we stop it and just have our coffee and sandwiches like normal? Why am I being targeted for the amount of fun Iâm having? Youâve all had your fair share of fun, too.âÂ
Jeno let out a small laugh at Jaeminâs defense. âYeah, but we arenât nicknamed the campus fuckboy. Plus, weâve all been in actual relationships during our time in college.âÂ
Jaeminâs face drops, no longer interested at all in the conversation they were clearly wanting to have. âI could be in a relationship if I wanted to be, I just donât want to,â heâs quick to mutter in reply.Â
âWhy not?â Renjun asks, raising his eyebrows in wait.
Jaemin lets out a scoff. âAll that love and commitment is stupid. You guys put so much effort into your previous relationships and yet, weâre all currently sitting at this table single. Thereâs no one who makes me want to even try being in a relationship. Why would I want to risk wasting all that effort on someone?â
His six best friends eyed each other around the table, either not buying it or not caring. âLook man,â Mark starts, getting Jaemin to turn his attention over to him. âRegardless of how you feel about love, Haechan is tired of listening to you and whatever girl you bring home that nightâŠand heâs especially tired of it always being a different girl to walk in on him while heâs singing in the kitchen making breakfast. So, to maybe help him out, and also to test your ability because honestly, I donât know if any of us think youâre capableâŠin the nicest way possible, of course. We wanna propose a bet- or a deal is probably the better word for it.â Jaemin shoots his gaze over to the rest of them, but no one bore a look of amusement, they were all curiously locked in. âIf you can get a girlfriend and settle down for at least three months, weâll give you $600.â
Well originally, Jaemin had no interest in any part of this, but if everything worked out the way his brain was planning it, that $600 could potentially be easy cashâŠnot to mention a lot of it.
âIâm in,â he pipes up immediately, truthfully stunning his best friends at the table. Nevertheless, they all shake on it, and then Jaemin only has one thing to doâŠafter finishing his coffee and sandwich, of course.
One day later, you get a text from Jaemin. Free to catch up today? Your cheeks blush warmly at the message. It wasnât anything special, but after being glued to each otherâs sides during high school, college saw you and Jaemin having considerably less time for each other; so it was always nice to see you were still a thought in his mind because truly, you missed your best friend like no other.Â
Free to catch up everyday :)) You respond, and Jaeminâs reply comes instantaneously.
You check the clock before mapping out how you would spend all your time in between now and then, quickly deciding most of it should be directed towards making yourself look presentable, seeing as youâve done nothing but rot in bed all morning.
âOh, god,â you start sarcastically. âWhat mess did you get yourself into now?â
âHey!â Jaemin shoots back in mock hurt, moving a hand over his heart as if youâve just shot him. You let out a light laugh, rolling your eyes.
âSorry, Jaem, please continue.â
He immediately ducks his head to face his lap, his tone bearing a fraction of the force it previously had. âOkay so, I got myself into a mess.â You canât help the genuine laugh that escapes you as you shake your head. Jaemin whips his head up to face you in response, but as you manage to stop your laughter, all you can do is meet his gaze with a softness in your eyes that perfectly balanced the playful smirk on your lips.
âIâve missed you a lot, you know,â you respond, and Jaemin rolls his lips inward to try and stop the smile as he directs his gaze somewhere off to the side.Â
âYeah, hoping youâre still thinking that after I explain,â he replies hesitantly, and your face falls in an instant.
âYou got me into a mess?!â You ask in disbelief, and Jaemin lets out a light sigh.
âNot yet, but thatâs kind of the goal,â he answers, scrunching up his facial features as he waits for your reprimanding. Though it never comes, and instead, you speak plainly through a sigh.
âAn explanation needs to come out of your mouth in three, two-â
âWhy?â You ask neutrally, and it seems to finally hit Jaemin that you were still the same sane, comforting presence you always had been, even if the two of you hadnât properly hung out in over a year. He settles more decidedly into his chair, though he still frames his words through a lens of embarrassment, figuring that might be the best way to get you to agree - if you knew he knew he was stupid.
â$600 and to prove something to my friends,â he replies, his words light but his demeanor dead serious.
âAnd why me?â You toss back, causing Jaemin to roll his eyes as he throws his gaze off to the side again with a scoff.Â
âCause every other girl I know has a crush on me and itâd make this very weird. Iâm not trying to actually be in a relationship. Thatâs the last thing I want.â His words this time are firm enough to match his demeanor, and it has you taking a sip of your coffee to fight back the awkwardness you wouldâve otherwise choked on.Â
â...Right,â you say in agreement, because out of all the times you could come clean about your huge crush on your best friend, right after he tells you that he doesnât want a relationship is probably the worst time to do so.Â
âSo?â Jaemin inquires hopefully, snapping you out of your thoughts. You flick your gaze up to him before immediately darting it back to your coffee on the table, one of your hands messing with the straw absentmindedly. Then you give in, because you suck at saying ânoâ to your best friend.
â...Fine, but then weâre making a contract,â you say plainly, swirling the ice around in your americano. Jaemin lets out something like a laugh, shaking his head.
âY/n, youâre taking this so seriously-â He starts, but you whip your head back up to him in an instant, cutting him off with sincerity.Â
âTheyâll see right through it if we donât,â you state, and you watch Jaeminâs adam's apple bob up and down in his throat as he swallows awkwardly.Â
He shakes out of it before putting his hands up in defeat. âOkay, whatever. Go ahead,â he replies, disinterested. You roll your eyes, grabbing a piece of paper and a pen from your backpack. Then you get to writing, because you were gonna need to set some intense boundaries if you were hoping to make it out of this alive.Â
âAlright, I think this should be good for right now,â you say after a few minutes, sliding the piece of paper his way. He takes one glance at it before letting out a laugh and directing his gaze back to you with raised brows.
ââNo kissing?â I donât mean to alarm you, but thatâs actually the quickest way for them to see right through it,â he quips. You run your fingers through your hair awkwardly as you dodge his gaze, finally nodding your head with a sigh.Â
âOkay fine, we can change it. No kissing unless they bring it up or get suspicious. Good?â You ask, finally looking up at him again. He lets an amused smile paint its way across his lips as he stares at you across the table.
âHa, weâll keep it for now,â he agrees before turning his attention back to the paper and looking over the next thing you wrote. ââNo weird nicknames?ââ He reads, popping his head back up to look at you for clarification. You roll your eyes, slightly embarrassed.Â
âYeah, like sugar, pumpkin, honey, buttercup, sweetie, sweetheart, cutie pie, baby, babe, darling-â Youâre cut off by a genuine laugh from Jaemin, helping you realize youâve missed the sound of it a lot, and not at all helping the awkward situation youâve gotten yourself into.Â
âOkay, youâre just naming every pet name imaginable,â he counters as though you were crazy.Â
You roll your lips inward, hesitating on how to respond before opting with a near-whisper. âI donât like them,â you admit quietly, and Jaeminâs demeanor falls from playful to understanding. He opens his mouth to reply but closes it again before any words get out, instead taking another moment to think.Â
âTheyâre gonna expect me to call you something,â he finally says, speaking as though it were an apology.Â
You sigh, knowing he wasnât lying. Idly messing with your hands, you reply quietly. â...are they gonna expect me to call you something, too?â You ask, and Jaemin contemplates with a sorry nod.
âYeah, probably. Look, you can call me whatever youâre comfortable with, and if thatâs just âJaem,â thatâs fine.â
A more lenient answer than you were expecting, you shoot your head up to look back at him again, though your brows slightly furrow as you address the part he didnât. âWhat about you?â
Jaemin lets out a soft sigh. âHow about I just limit my usage of pet names, and I wonât call you anything food-related,â he suggests lightly, figuring those nicknames having made up your first seven examples meant you hated them the most. You roll your eyes but a smile crosses your face regardless because he was right, after allâŠand caring enough to actually realize that.
âI can live with that,â you relent, and a big grin comes back onto Jaeminâs face at the progress. He moves his attention back towards the contract, but immediately is whipping his gaze back to you in hurt.Â
âWhy canât I be the one to break it off?â He pouts, and you have half a mind to laugh, but you know heâs serious.Â
âIf you date me for exactly three months and then break up with me, no matter how believable we make it, theyâre either going to know it was set up or theyâre going to assume you learned nothing and probably not give you the money,â you explain, and Jaeminâs pout turns into an impressed nod.
âYou have a pointâŠâ He breathes out, causing you to smirk.
âI know.âÂ
He bites on his bottom lip, deep in thought before turning back to you again. âWe probably shouldnât date for exactly three months then, either,â he adds, and you flash your eyebrows in recognition.
âThatâs also true,â you say before putting together a calendar in your head. âWell, if todayâs September 27th, three months is December 27th, soâŠwe could have New Yearâs Eve be our last night together?â You suggest awkwardly. Though, when you look back up towards Jaemin, heâs putting your timeline together with a nod.
âWorks for me,â he cedes, scribbling your end date somewhere off to the side before continuing to scan down the list. His next question comes with the very last bullet point on the contract. ââCome home with me for Christmas dinner?ââ He reads before looking up at you in confusion. You shake your head with a laugh.
âWell, you didnât think Iâd do this for nothing in return, did you?â
Jaemin flashes his eyebrows in acknowledgement. âOkayâŠso why Christmas dinner?â He asks, and you drop your gaze back to your coffee.Â
âMy family keeps riding my ass about not having a boyfriend. If you come back with me and pretend to be my boyfriend there, too, then even when we end things, theyâll at least be off my case for a while,â you admit, embarrassment tainting your voice before you rush to make the request sound more appealing. âAnd itâs not actual Christmas dinner! Itâs that first weekend after finals week. You remember the big dinner we always had with other family friends and all that,â you drag off with an awkward laugh.
âOkay,â Jaemin agrees immediately, and you look back up at him in shock.
âReally? Youâre agreeing to that?â You question, but he just shrugs his shoulders.Â
Jaemin picked you up from class on the first day you would be meeting his friends, five days after the two of you signed your contract to fake-date. He greets you with an easy smile outside of your classroom door. âHey, you ready?â He asks, and you send a nervous smile back up at him.Â
âReady as Iâll ever be, I guess,â you reply with a laugh. He flashes his eyebrows in acknowledgement, feeling much the same way seeing as this was probably the least conventional thing heâs ever done.Â
He leads you outside and towards the guysâ regular lunch spot at one of the tables set up in the campus commons. Jaemin had told his friends beforehand that he had gone and gotten himself a girlfriend and thus, to start the three month timer, and they were the ones who begged him to bring you to one of the lunches so they could meet you, and now here you were - walking casually towards the lunch table with JaeminâŠtoo casually, Chenle noticed, because you werenât even holding hands. He keeps quiet, but lets an easy smirk come across his face as you and Jaemin sit down next to each other.Â
âAlright, guys,â Jaemin starts as the rest of the friend group pins their full attention on you. âThis is y/n. My girlfriend,â he says with a smile. The label sends ice through your veins. You could not believe Na Jaemin was introducing you as his girlfriendâŠit didnât matter that the label was fake, the words sounded real coming out of his mouth. You turn your head to look at him, as if to get some kind of confirmation that it really was Jaemin next to you, calling you his girlfriend. By the time your gaze reaches him, heâs already looking over at you with a cheesy grin, nudging your side playfully with his arm and getting you to relax a little.Â
The guys go around introducing themselves, but as they make their full way around the table, Jeno immediately speaks up.
âSo, how did the two of you get together?â He asks curiously. A valid question, which is why the guys all lean forward in interest, because of course they would be dying to know how their fuckboy best friend got an actual girlfriend rather than a hookup. It was a horrible question though, because it was one you forgot would ever come up, and you had no game plan to go about answering this. Though, it seemed all you had to worry about was keeping your eyes from going wide, because Jaemin did have a game plan for this, and he answered smoothly.
âI just asked her out,â he says with a shrug. âItâs always been so easy with y/n, I take it for granted most of the time. Every time Iâm with her, Iâm reminded that it takes no effort to breathe, that Iâm standing on solid ground. We met up for coffee the other day and she said she missed me and I-â He falters for a moment, and you finally bring your gaze up from your lap to face Jaemin, just to see him shake his head as if he were breaking himself out of a nostalgia trip. âI wanted to hear that again and again,â he finally says seriously, and you canât stop the smile from reaching your face. âSo, though now it just sounds embarrassing saying it out loud, I straight up asked her to be my girlfriend right after that,â he adds through a laugh. âI had been waiting for the butterflies that everyone always talks about, but the fact that Iâve never really felt that with her just made me more sure I wanna be with her - thereâs no discomfort or anxiety,â he says, and with your head ducked back in to face your lap, you miss it when he turns to look at you softly. âSheâs just always felt like home.âÂ
Jaeminâs answer seems to have done its job in convincing everyone, and it definitely did its job in reminding you that you were in deep trouble. Though, as the rest of the guys take in Jaeminâs words with an impressed nod, Mark tries to fill in his holes. âWait, how long have you known each other?â He asks, which was another valid question seeing as Jaemin talked about you with history even though you had never met his friend group before.
âWeâve been friends since high school,â Jaemin says coolly, though this time, youâre the one to nudge him with a laugh.
âBest friends,â you add teasingly, and Jaemin chuckles as he looks over at your figure before nodding his head.
âYeah, best friends,â he agrees fondly. âBut, Iâve liked her for a while now,â he says, turning back towards the group as his face falls and he shifts uncomfortably in his seat. âI just- obviously have the image that I do and I never wanted to get her tied up in it. She deserves more than being labeled as some fuckboyâs latest infatuation,â he says, and as you furrow your brows at him, he just shakes his head, moving on with a light smile. âThough, obviously, I saw her last week and couldnât help it anymore.â
Sorry smiles cross most of the guysâ faces - they were no help when it came to keeping labels away from Jaemin, and he was sure putting on a convincing show, making it almost seem like it was their fault the two of you hadnât already gotten together.Â
Haechan swings his gaze over to you with raised eyebrows, shifting gears to try and not to let the dampened mood actually settle in. âAnd you? How long have you liked him?â He asks, and you have to stop the laugh from leaving your system. Instead, you just shake your head fondly.
âForever,â you answer truthfully, turning to face Jaemin before immediately pulling your gaze back down to your lap in embarrassment. âAny girl will tell you, itâs impossible not to fall for Na Jaemin.â At this, all the guys roll their eyes, but Jaemin just turns to study you softly, biting on his bottom lip in contemplation as he tries to sort out whether any part of your statement was true or if you were just really good at acting.
However, with the rumbling of Jisungâs stomach, he quickly discards the topic of you and Jaemin, deciding that after all the intro questions were out of the way, food was much more interesting. The guys laugh along as Jisung rips through his paper bag lunch, but it does its job in getting them to focus on their own food in front of them, too.Â
Casual conversation occurred over lunch, and you were pleasantly surprised to find it wasnât awkward at all. Not that you were expecting the guys to be awkward with each other, but you typically werenât great at meeting new people; and now you were meeting six of them at once, somehow fitting right in, your occasional remarks causing the whole table to laugh - something youâd have to pat yourself on the back for later. The only disturbance comes from Chenle, who had begun leaning way back from the table, carefully balancing his weight on the bench as he seems to examine the ground by your feet.Â
The entire friend group eventually catches on to his antics, turning their attention towards him with raised eyebrows. âWhat are you doing?â Renjun finally asks, the question coming out as though he thought Chenle were crazyâŠwhich probably wasnât too far from his actual stance on the matter.
Chenle shakes his head, pulling himself back into a normal sitting position as he locks his gaze onto you and Jaemin. âDonât most couples have a hand placed on the otherâs thigh or something while sitting? Why are you guys like- a foot away from each other?â He asks plainly. Your face drops and your eyes widen.
âWe are not a foot away from each other,â you remark firmly, but then Jisung peaks beneath the table as well, pulling back up with a shrug.
âUh, you kinda are,â he says, causing Jaemin to roll his eyes.
âDidnât think you guys were big pda enthusiasts,â he says, trying to laugh it off, but Chenle is relentless.
âHave you kissed yet?â He asks immediately, and you almost choke.
âWhat?!â You return in shock, but Chenle looks between the two of you with uninterested brows.
âYouâve liked each other for forever and youâre this awkward?â He shoots back in a taunt. You sigh, collecting yourself because you knew what you were about to have to do.Â
âYouâre right, Jaem,â you say, pulling his attention your way as you place a hand on his cheek and smile in disbelief. âYour friends are annoying,â you continue, and then you lean in and kiss your best friend and long time crush.Â
Admittedly, youâve imagined this moment more times than you could count, but none of those fantasies could have prepared you for what it actually felt like to kiss Na Jaemin. His lips were perfect, he was perfect, and you knew that already but now you felt it. You remind yourself of where youâre at, why youâre kissing him in the first place, and bring yourself to pull back after the one soft kiss, trying your best to make it seem as though that alone didnât cause you to lose your breath.
As the two of you pull away from each other, Jaeminâs gaze locks on you, running over every inch of your face with an unreadable look in his eyes to contrast the softest of smiles on his lips. âYeah, angel, they are,â he says through an exhale, and as your face goes completely pink, his smile eases into a familiar smirk. âBut if you kiss me every time they piss you off, I might have to have them stick around.âÂ
You roll your eyes, nudging him in the side again as you focus on the playful banter and not on the fact that Jaemin just rewired your brain chemistry with one âangel.â âWhatever, we both know I kiss you all the time anyways,â you tease, but as you try to shift away again, Jaemin catches your hand in his and looks at you as if you were crazy.
âNo, I kiss you all the time,â he rushes to correct, and though you whip your head back to face him in offense, your eyes instantly soften upon contact, a tight smile playing at both of your features instead.
Your only thought was to kiss him again, and youâre thankful when Chenle cuts off any chance of that happening. âWhat is going on?â He asks in disgust, causing Renjun to laugh and shake his head.
âHey, you were the one jumping their asses for their lack of public romance. This is your fault.âÂ
With the conclusion of lunch, Jaemin kept you company on the walk back to your dorm. As soon as youâre out of sight from the rest of the guys, you let out a heavy sigh and accompanying drop of your shoulders. âWell, there goes rule number oneâŠâ You say in defeat. If you couldnât even follow the first rule during your first outing as a âcouple,â the rest of these three months were not going to bode well for you.Â
Instead of matching your demeanor, Jaemin takes offense. âWhat, no! We changed rule number one to no kissing unless they brought it up or were suspicious, and they both, brought it up and were suspicious,â he claims firmly, but the playful tone underlying his words makes it so that all you can do is let out a small, wry laugh.
âI canât believe I let you talk me into this,â you say with a shake of your head, though the smile has made its reappearance on your face. Next to you, Jaemin stops walking, pausing for a moment as he stares at the pavement beneath your feet. As soon as you notice his absence at your side, you turn back around to face him and his small grimace.
âThank you, by the way,â he says gently, and any remaining tension you were carrying falls away; because any time Jaemin fell softer, you were reminded of how youâd do anything for your best friend. âI donât know if I really thanked you for letting me talk you into this. I know itâs stupid, but itâs nice to have them attacking me for whether or not Iâve kissed you rather than attacking me for my body count,â he finishes, and it feels as though all your joints had immediately locked up again.Â
Jaeminâs title as the campus fuckboy was not lost on you, but talking about anything close to relationships was never a strong suit for you guys; and with him quickly finding his place within a new friend group here at college, it meant you were even less in the know of his whereabouts on any given day. The last thing you were expecting was for Jaemin to keep you updated on who he just fucked, but the entire realm of conversation was always so unreachable for you two. You knew nothing of what the campus fuckboy was truly getting up to; there was sometimes talk in your class when a girl would come in beaming as she told her friends she managed to spend a night with Jaemin, but instances like that were all you got informed by, and you never dared pry deeper into those overheard conversations.Â
Sometimes your jealousy would damn near kill you - all these girls boasting about the fact that they had spent a night with JaeminâŠyou wanted to turn around half the time and tell them to forget about one night because youâve spent countless days with him; that your entire high school career was covered in his handprints and bright smile which you were sure was laced with drugs - a smile you knew he wasnât throwing around in the bedroom.Â
You never did snap, though, because it was easier to keep your âbest friendâ label with Jaemin under the radar at college, unless you wished for tens upon hundreds of girls to line up in front of you and ask your advice on how to win his heart. Jokes on them, you were still figuring that out, yourself.
âWhat is your body count?â You ask with a hesitant swallow, your curiosity getting the better of you now that heâs finally brought it up.Â
Jaemin shoots his head up to face you but instantly dodges your eye contact again. For the first time since youâve met him, he looks genuinely embarrassed. âAnother time, y/n,â he says in soft dismissal.
You swallow harshly, in disbelief at what you were about to tell him, but as much as it would sting, it would keep your own feelings at a very needed bay. âIf you still want to have sex, you can. I donât mean to force you into celibacy. Just make sure itâs at the girlâs house so Haechan doesnât find out,â you say lowly, and Jaemin immediately makes wide eye contact with you.
âReally?â He asks in something like shock. You act as though itâs no big thing, and youâre sure it probably shouldnât be, anyways.
âYeah,â you respond with a shrug.
Jaemin takes in your words with a contemplative head nod, pulling his bottom lip between his teeth before his eyes light up in alert, finding another caveat to address. âWhat do we do if the girl starts talking about the fact that she hooked up with me?â He asks seriously, but youâve finally found humor in the situation, shaking your head as though there were hardly a need for the question.Â
âJaem, just about every girl wants to sleep with you, or at least make it seem like she didâŠa random girl claiming to have hooked up with you one day is just going to sound like sheâs desperate for attention. No oneâs gonna take it seriously,â you say with a playful roll of your eyes. Absolutely nothing you said was wrong, and with a deep breath, Jaemin seems to accept that fact.
As he exhales, he resumes his continuation on the walk back to your dorm, a light nod of his head accompanying his next words. âOkay. Thank you-â His casual start is broken as he turns his head back over to you at his side in question. âAre you gonna be okay? Are you gonna like- hook up- uhâŠwith other guys?â He asks curiously. All you can do is laugh at him.
âCasual hookups arenât my thing and no way am I getting an actual boyfriend while weâre doing this, but of course Iâll be okay. Iâm pretty sure your sex drive is at least ten times greater than mine. I can handle three months,â you reply lightly, and seemingly all of Jaeminâs worries about this new implementation fade away - it seemed perfectly doable without getting caught.Â
As you get to your dorm entrance, you and Jaemin turn to fully face each other. âThanks again for today. I think we got them somewhat convinced,â he says through a small laugh, and you flash your eyebrows in acknowledgement.Â
âNo reason to thank me for that - you did most of the talking,â you rebuttal playfully.Â
Jaeminâs laugh turns into a knowing smirk. âYou were the one who kissed me,â he teases, and you shake your head, but a wide grin spreads across your lips, regardless.
âIt's not my fault that they both, brought it up and were suspicious,â you remind him, putting your hands up in defense. Jaemin takes a moment to laugh again before settling into a more fond look that was reminiscent of your high school days.
âWeâre gonna have to start hanging out more again since they think weâre dating, but even before all that, I think itâd make me happy if we started hanging out more again just cause Iâve missed youâŠand I know itâs my fault we havenât talked as often! I got a friend group of guys and an- agendaâŠwith girls, and as such, my entire college career up to now has unfolded in that way. But I miss you because youâve always been my friend, not because of some agenda or fake-dating scheme.â
âMmmmmm, best friend,â you correct with a sure smirk, making Jaemin drop his head with a laugh of defeat.
âYeah, best friend,â he cedes, and your smirk turns into a soft smile.Â
âI never do anything, so just text me when you wanna hang. Iâll be there.âÂ
He looks back up at you with a small grin and a nod. âSame goes for you,â he replies. Then, all that was left was saying âgoodbyeâ in a much more awkward way than usual, before you went back up to your room to decompress from whatever the hell just happened.Â
It was a week after that first lunch when you were alone and bored in your dorm. None of the guys mentioned anything about having plans for the weekend while at lunch, which you had begun to join in on every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. So, although you just saw him, you figured Jaemin wouldnât have anything better to do than hang out with you some more today. You shoot your gaze over to the clock, agreeing there was more than enough time left in the day to make a hang out worth it, and then grabbing your phone to text Jaemin.
Hey, Iâm bored. Wanna do something? You send, and Jaeminâs reply is instantaneous.
With a girl rn
For a text thatâs letting you know heâs following your directions, it hurts more than you thought it would to read. You know itâs for the best that this be your reality. Jaemin had been your best friend for so long now, the last thing you wanted was to ruin that with your feelings; and while fake-dating wasnât helping, this reality-check definitely did. Heâs not just your best friend anymore, heâs the campusâ heartthrobâŠthe campusâ fuckboy. It was the entire reason behind the bet his friends made in the first place - a circumstance like this was only expected. So, youâd have to forget about the hollow feeling in your stomach right now and instead support your best friend in a best friend way, cause no matter how many times in the next three months heâs destined to call you âangelâ or look over at you softly every time you talk in the group, âbest friendsâ is all you are to each other. Oh, look at you go! I figure Iâm your alibi, so I guess Iâll stay in for the rest of the night so thereâs no possibility of one of your friends seeing me
His reply this time took about thirty minutes to get to you, and even his last text didnât prepare you for the brick wall that faced you with this one. ThanksÂ
Jaemin isnât selfish, Jaemin is busy. Itâs the mantra you kept repeating to yourself, because you know heâs not selfish; and while you were expecting a reply more aligned with an apology for forcing your Friday night to be spent indoors and alone, taking the time to text that out probably was not something Jaemin could manage while another girl was surely sucking him off.Â
The next Thursday, itâs Jaeminâs idea to hang out after classes. The two of you decided to chill at your place so that you didnât have to constantly pretend around Haechan, should he be in their apartment. As you swing the door open to Jaeminâs presence, he looks at you with a big grin on his face. âHey, angel,â he says, patting the top of your head as he walks into your dorm. You track his figure deeper into the living area, looking at him quizzically because the whole purpose of him being here was that he didnât have to call you âangel.âÂ
You just shake your head with a smile as he plops down on your couch. âHey, Jaem.âÂ
He looks up at you with innocent eyes. âWhat did you want to do tonight?â He asks, and you shrug your shoulders with a laugh.
âYouâre the one who wanted to come over; my plan was to do homework.â Your answer has Jaeminâs face falling, and you watch as he gets up from the couch and immediately walks out the door, leaving you completely dumbfounded. You didnât think homework was that repulsive to him. Though, moments later, thereâs another knock on your door, and you answer it to be met with Jaemin again, this time his own backpack slung across his shoulders. âWha-?â You question with a laugh of disbelief.
Jaemin sends a smirk your way before once again walking past you and towards the couch, immediately unzipping his backpack and placing its contents on the coffee table. âHomework,â he says casually, looking up at you with raised brows and a smirk. âBest friend, fake girlfriend, study buddyâŠyou get all the fun labels,â he teases, causing you to shake your head before relenting and joining him at the coffee table.Â
It was an incredibly normal night. After the two of you finished up the last of your assignments - though getting distracted every five or so minutes with stupid jokes, complaints of coursework, or a sudden remembering of a story that needed telling did not help push things along, the two of you watched a movie. You ended up making hot cocoa, because the privilege of thermostats meant that it wasnât a crazy option, regardless of the outside temperature, and then sat on the recliner, Jaemin taking up considerably more space on the couch in response.Â
The two of you had always been good movie watchers with each other. You both liked to enjoy movies in the same way - the lights off, no talking, no distractions from phonesâŠeven if it was a movie you had seen a hundred times. The two of you took movie nights seriously, mainly because with each other, you could. At least, you had yet to find anyone else who would sit and watch Coraline with you and not take a break to say something about how they find it creepy or flatout donât like the movie when itâs not even halfway over. Though, Jaemin always happily watched, saving his only comments (typically about how âthey just donât make movies like that anymoreâ) for the credits.Â
Just like that, it was like a night from high school, and it ended much the same way - a side hug with Jaemin and his promises of getting home safe, though it was you rather than your mother that he was making that promise to now.Â
Walking back into his apartment, Jaemin immediately catches the attention of Haechan, currently making late night ramen in the kitchen. âDid you just get back from y/nâs?â He asks, pulling his attention away from the stove to turn his head towards Jaemin.
âYeah,â Jaemin answers casually as he makes his trek through the front space and towards his room, only getting distracted when Haechan speaks up again with a playful lilt and a matching smirk on his face.
âGood night?â He asks, causing Jaemin to furrow his brows before realizing what Haechan was actually getting at.Â
âWhat-? Oh, shut up,â he dismisses. Turning back around to face Haechan revealed him to be completely distracted from his ramen - his back now leaning against the countertop as his casual crossed arms added to the tease in his raised eyebrow. Jaemin rolls his eyes at the antics, especially considering Haechan was the main reason this whole deal was made in the first place - because he was tired of Jaemin having sex. âWe didnât have sex. We did normal couple things,â he states confidently before turning around again to actually make his way inside his room and behind his closed bedroom door.Â
This meant Jaemin missed the way Haechanâs playful brows furrowed in confusion, his face falling flatter as he spoke through a soft exhale. âWhat?â Any more time he could have had to actually question it was overridden with the need to tend to his now boiling over ramen; so Jaemin got off easy the rest of the night.Â
Haechan was not as forgiving the next time he saw the guys at Monday lunch, though. With you still nowhere to be seen and Jaemin in his line of sight ordering food, he addresses everything in a more serious tone than any of the guys were expecting.Â
âDoes anyone else find it odd that they havenât had sex yet?â
Eyes go wide at the rest of the table. âThey havenât?!â Jeno practically shouts before immediately getting embarrassed and making himself as small as possible. Haechan just shakes his head.
âThey havenât even spent the night at each otherâs places yet. He always comes back home after hanging out with her and itâs always just him.â
âMaybe theyâre taking it slow,â Mark replies with a shrug, but all eyes lock on him with ample skepticism.Â
âDoes âslowâ seem like a Jaemin thing?â Haechan rebuttals. âI mean, come on. Weâre talking about the guy whoâs notorious for getting his dick wet at any available opportunity.â
âSo, we think they don't really like each other? Theyâre faking it?â Renjun asks with pursed contemplative lips.Â
Haechanâs the one to shrug this time in mystery. â$600 is a hefty amount. Heâd do anything he can for that, including but not limited to getting a fake girlfriend and lying to us,â he states more firmly, but thatâs as Jaemin joins the table; his brows furrowed and mouth hanging slightly open as he looked around at the guys in something like disgust.
âWhat in the world did I just walk in on? Y/n is not my fake girlfriend. The deal money is nice but Iâm at least honorable about these things,â he argues, and immediately all the guys whip their gazes towards him, varying expressions on their faces as Jisung speaks up in genuine question.
âWhy havenât you slept with her yet?â The seriousness of the question and the sheer interest in the rest of the guysâ faces gets Jaemin to roll his eyes.
âYou guys are atrocious, you know that?â He says in place of an answer.Â
Chenle raises his brows. âThe question remains,â he taunts with a smirk.
Jaemin looks him dead in the eyes as he responds. âShe means more to me than that.â
âMeans more to you than that?â Jeno reflects back with a laugh. âJaemin, are you forgetting your love language?â This is the first thing you can pick up as you finally get to the table after questions from your classmates held you for more minutes than should be allowed. Regardless, you immediately jump right into conversation.
âLove language?â You echo with a smile. âThereâs something Iâm knowledgeable about. Howâs my words of affirmation boy doing?â You continue, all your attention directed towards Jaemin as you shed your backpack from your body.
He looks up at you still standing by his side, eyes soft and speaking through a small smile. âBetter now that youâre here,â he answers, and you donât stop the bashful smile from coming across your face as you finally get situated sitting down next to him. The gentle moment is broken, though, with Jeno asking a question in total shock.
âWords of affirmation??â He begs for clarification, and the rest of the guys lean in at the table some more in apparent interest. You look at them all as though there was some joke you werenât getting.Â
âYes? What did you think it was?â You question back, and they respond in almost perfect unison.
âPhysical touch.â
You canât stop the small laugh from leaving your system as you look back at all of them seriously. âJaeminâs good at showing love through physical touch, no doubt, but words of affirmation is by far his favorite way to receive love, itâs not even a question. And sure, part of that is how he smiles like an idiot whenever I tell him heâs the most handsome guy on the planet - which is stupid because âhandsomeâ honestly doesnât even begin to describe itâŠâ You trail off awkwardly before shooting your head back up to face everyone.Â
âBut have you ever seen him receive a compliment that has nothing to do with his body or looks? The way his eyes light up like something just clicked for him? I mean, heâs so many more things before heâs physically attractive, and all he was waiting for was someone to recognize that. Every time we meet up after class and I say something like âIâve been longing to be in your presence all day,â or âthanks for bringing me more happiness than Iâve ever known,â heâs practically on the verge of tears every time. Itâs why when I told him I missed him that one day, all he could think to do was ask me to be his girlfriend. Heâs been waiting to be missed on a level that had nothing to do with his body. Heâs been waiting to be affirmed in a way that isnât physical.â
That seemed to get everyone else at the table to shut up, swallowing awkwardly as they instead turned their attention to their food. You let out a small sigh of relief as you dig into your own sandwich, but Jaemin doesnât think he can even take one bite anymore; a weird feeling in his stomach and his mind going a million miles an hour. When he does pick up his sandwich, itâs not because heâs finally convinced he can keep it down, but because not eating now would be incredibly suspicious to everyoneâŠincluding you.Â
Jaemin walked you back to your dorm after lunch, something that became typical since it wasnât always possible to pick you up from class for lunch. You were walking in comfortable silence; in fact, an element of awkwardness was only introduced once Jaemin spoke up with a strange sort of cough and hesitant words. âI didnât know I was a words of affirmation guy,â he finally says after a couple of minutes.Â
With the two of you out of sightline and earshot of the others, you let your actions and reactions express more naturally. So, you paused completely, making him eventually stop and look over his shoulder at you in question. âOhâŠreally?!â You say in light shock before shaking your head and resuming your pace so you could catch back up to him and continue casually. âI mean, maybe youâre not then, but just from what I know-â
Youâre cut off with a small laugh from Jaemin as he shakes his head softly, matching his contemplative tone. âNo, I think youâre right. Everything you said I- I think youâre right.â He says it as though he were almost embarrassed by the fact, and you decide thatâs the last thing youâre gonna allow him to feel in this situation.
âOh, well, would you like me to affirm you more often then?â You ask seriously. âWe arenât exactly meeting up after class everyday and Iâm not exactly telling you Iâve been waiting for that very moment, but I can.â
Jaemin is quick to dismiss the idea. âNo, itâs okay. No use doing that when this whole thing is fake. I mean, rule number three or something is that everything is immediately dropped when weâre in private,â he tries to play off with a laugh, and as you finally reach the entrance to your dorm, you turn around to face him solemnly.Â
âJaem, thatâs not me putting on an act. You do know I love spending time with you, right? And-â You shake your head, frustrated with yourself that this is something you obviously didnât do a good job of communicating earlier. âTake us out of this whole situation thing,â you command, finding your footing in what youâre wanting to say. âJust- as friends. I love spending time with you. I want you in my life forever, yeah?â You finish softly, and when you look back up at Jaemin, heâs quick to break eye contact.Â
âYeah.â
The next few weeks saw to it that you and Jaemin were hanging out more than ever. What you saw as insane luck meant that every time you texted asking if he could hang out, he was never âwith a girlâ at the time; and Jaemin was texting you and being the one to make plans at a far greater rate than you were, anyways. Instantly, your relationship reflected that during your time in high school - the only difference was that sometimes in the midst of trying to pretend you didnât have the hugest crush on your best friend, you were also having to pretend you did have the hugest crush on your best friend.Â
Hang outs were still mainly at your place so that the two of you never had to worry about Haechan, though sometimes youâd purposely have a night in at Jaeminâs to keep Haechan convinced. This was not one of those times. Instead, you opened your door to Jaemin as you have for the past three Fridayâs now, which the two of you decided would be âdate nightâ in everyone elseâs eyes while really, youâd just keep a low profile and do whatever you wanted. Due to schedules, you always had an hour for homework before youâd be met with Jaeminâs presence, and he was right on time today. âHey, Jaem!â You greet with a smile as you swing the door open and step back to allow him inside.
âHey angel,â he replies casually, because calling you âangelâ was now a very typical occurrence, regardless of who was around to hear it. He flashes a smile in your direction, but instead of beelining for the couch like normal, he stops to stand kind of awkwardly in front of you before continuing hesitantly. âMark is having a Halloween party if thatâs something youâre interested inâŠwe could go together. I know parties arenât really your thing.â He speaks as though it were an apology, and all you can do is chuckle at his antics.
âDonât worry about that. I am your fake girlfriend, arenât I?â You tease in reply, and Jaemin raises his eyebrows as though he didnât know where you were going with this.
â...Yes,â he draws out slowly, and you just shake your head at him fondly.
âSo, if youâre going, then I wouldnât miss it for the world,â you answer sincerely, and though youâd never be able to convince yourself of it, you made Jaemin blush - just the tiniest bit.Â
He lets out something like a sigh of relief before nodding his head in acknowledgement. âOkay, Iâll tell Mark weâre going, then,â he says happily, and then suddenly itâs right back to routine as he heads for the couch to chill before the two of you could decide what all you actually wanted to do that day.Â
The next time you saw Jaemin was two days later when he asked if you wanted to accompany him to the store. It was all light and casual conversation as you strolled through the aisles, most of the time pointing at random items and saying âyouâ to try and see who could get the other to laugh more. The bit promptly ended when you pointed at a Scrub Daddy to relate Jaemin to, but he instead teased you endlessly for using an item with âdaddyâ in the name. The only thing to veer his topic of conversation away from that was when you passed the aisle that had been repurposed into Halloween decorations and costumes, making him stop in his tracks.
âHave you decided on a costume for the party yet?â He asks curiously, and you turn back around to face him and redirect your path to peruse the Halloween aisle, touching random bits of costumes before dropping them back to the rack with a shake of your head.Â
âWell, I was gonna go as an angel since thatâs kind of what you call me now, but if we do it as a coupleâs costume, then youâd end up as the devil or a demon or whatever, and I donât love the idea of that. SoâŠwould you wanna go as Team Rocket instead?â You ask in return. Jaemin swallows awkwardly as he takes in everything you just said, but he canât take too long to explore the slightly comforting feeling brought on by you saying the idea of him as a devil wasnât your favoriteâŠbecause that wouldnât be very âI donât care what anyone else thinksâ of him. Instead, he resorts back to a familiar tease, an eyebrow raised as a playful smirk crossed his lips.
âWho said I wanted to do a coupleâs costume?â He shoots back and your face immediately goes red as you scramble for words.
âOh! You donât- I was just- itâs not-â Youâre cut off with a warm laugh from Jaemin.
âBreathe, angel, I was just messing with you,â he reassures with a shake of his head.
âMaybe you would make a good demon,â you deadpan in return, and Jaeminâs eyes light with fire as his jaw drops.
âHey!â
âJust messing with you, Jaem,â you banter back, and Jaemin bites on the inside of his cheek to stop a wide grin from making an appearance at your behavior.Â
âIâm fine going as Team Rocket, as long as I get to be James,â he says with a mock seriousness, effectively getting you to smile as you roll your eyes.
âWell, I wasnât going to suggest you be Jessie,â you assure in the same manner, and Jaemin nods his head, seemingly content with the plan before another question comes to mind.Â
âAre we dying our hair?â He asks, and this time heâs actually serious. You think about it for a second before giving into the idea with a contemplative nod.
âWe can get the spray that lasts up until you wash it,â you suggest, and with a nod from Jaemin, your Halloween costumes were set - all you had to do was make them.Â
Fast forward a week and the only thing left to do was iron on the âRâ decal on Jaeminâs top, which was exactly what you were doing in his apartment as he took the time to spray blue in his hair. You look up from the heat press as Jaemin walks out of the bathroom. âHuh,â you let out involuntarily, and if you were any less close with Jaemin, you wouldâve been embarrassed beyond words. However, he just looks at you with furrowed brows and a curious grin.
âWhat?â He asks, and you shrug your shoulders as though it were nothing big.
âYou look good with blue hair,â you answer, trying your best to be casual about it.
Jaeminâs curious grin had turned into a shiteating one. âOh, yeah?â He digs, trying to get under your skin; though, you thwart the attempt immediately, instead responding with nonchalance - the exact opposite of what he was reaching for.Â
âWell, no more than normal,â you reply, and Jaeminâs brows raise impossibly.
âNow, what does that mean?â He asks playfully, but you just shake your head.
âYouâre the fuckboy, Jaemin. You know what Iâm getting at.â With that, your attention was back on the iron as it beeped and let you know his shirt was ready. You pull it out from under the heat and turn it around so Jaemin could see the final product, and with a nod of approval, he grabs it from your hands and heads back to the bathroom.
âLooks great, angel,â he finally says, studying his appearance in the mirror before walking back out to the living area. You just drop your head as you feel your face heat up at the compliment.Â
âIâll uh- go get ready,â you say quietly, and then you grab your own costume and hair spray before trading places with him in the bathroom.Â
Jaemin doesnât hide his small smile as he watches you walk back out to the living area in your matching costume with him, and you try your best to pin your focus anywhere other than his soft gaze. âUm- drinking at parties isnât really my thing so- I can drive us back here afterwards. You can drink however much you want,â you get out awkwardly before moving to sit down next to him on the couch.
Jaemin chuckles lightly in response to your behavior. âAre you sure?âÂ
You nod your head profusely. âOf course. You enjoy parties a lot. I donât want you to change an aspect of it just because Iâm there, too. So, however much you normally drinkâŠgo for it.âÂ
Jaemin studies your figure with ample doubt covering his features. âI donât know. Me drinking while knowing I have a ride home typically means I turn into too much to handle,â he jokes, but any form of negative self-talk from him always grounds you, and youâre quick to refute it.
âNot for me,â you say, turning your head to make eye contact with him. âNever for me.â Your soft reassurance has Jaemin simply staring at you, and you quickly turn your head back to face your lap as you overthink every little embarrassing thing youâve already done tonight. On the other hand, Jaemin didnât even think twice before leaning over to place a kiss on your cheek.Â
Your cheeks puff out with a smile in immediate response to the contact, but as you lift your gaze back up to face Jaemin, your attention is caught by Haechan, who had just walked out of his room in costume - a vampire costume that was already iconic and he hadnât even done anything yet.
Your soft smile turns into a full-on grin as you address him. âWoah, Hyuck. You look great!â You say with a laugh, and Jaemin whips his head around to face his roommate just to fall into his own bout of laughter.
âOh, fuck off,â Haechan replies with a playful roll of his eyes as he walks towards the door. âAre you two gonna head out soon?â He asks more seriously, and Jaemin gives a light nod.
âYeah, we wonât be too far behind you. Y/n just isnât a huge fan of parties, so we opted for fashionably late rather than fashionably early.âÂ
Haechan flashes his eyebrows up in acknowledgement before turning back from the front door to face the two of you again. âAlright. Donât violate the couch too much in the meantime. Itâs my favorite couch,â he banters, and this time itâs you and Jaemin to roll your eyes.
âYou fuck off,â you say through a grin, and Haechan drops his head with a loud laugh before bringing his gaze back to the two of you with a soft smile.
âIâll see you guys soon,â he says happily, and with that, heâs out the door. Â
It was about thirty minutes later when you and Jaemin entered the party house hand-in-hand. As soon as you got in, you realized your friend group was a lot more popular than you ever thought, because seemingly everyone you went to school with was here. For parties already feeling overwhelming, parties where you could hardly move without bumping into someone were even more so. Though, in the midst of the blaring music, a hundred different conversations, and all the dancing, your attention is turned to your interlocked hand with Jaemin as he gently rubs his thumb across the back of your hand.
You shoot your gaze up at him just to see heâs already staring back down at you softly. Unlike you, he looked completely at home in the party scene, though you figure one canât truly get labeled a fuckboy without being so. Thatâs also why you assume he was able to tell you were already uncomfortable from the second you stepped inside.Â
Hardly a few feet from the entrance, he leans down to you at his side, speaking slowly in your ear so you could make it out from the rest of the noise. âWeâll stay only as long as you want, okay? If you wanna turn back around right now, we can.â
You shake your head minimally, turning to face him and realizing that action placed your lips dangerously close together. You roll them inwards in hesitation before shifting your gaze to his own. âIâm not going to make you leave super early. You like parties.â
A smirk plays on Jaeminâs lips as he raises an eyebrow at you. âI like you more,â he replies playfully.Â
You dart your gaze off to the side, ripping your hand away from his in the process. âIâm fine. Letâs just go find our friends.â You take a step out from the entryway but quickly notice Jaemin isnât following. You whip your head around to face him just to see his hand outstretched for you again.
âIf weâre going to go find our friends, your hand better be in mine,â he quips, causing you to roll your eyes before obliging and lacing your fingers back together. He gives your hand a light squeeze as he flashes you a wide smile and drags you to where he already saw Haechan, Jeno, and Renjun.Â
âHey, you guys look great!â Jeno says with a bright smile as the two of you join their circle. Jaemin finally slides his hand out of yours to instead place it on the small of your back. Despite yourself, a small smile comes onto your face, not at Jenoâs words, but at Jaeminâs touch, and you relax a bit more against his hand.
Jaemin is the one to actually respond as the other two guys turn their attention to the both of you as well. âThanks! My incredible, beautiful girlfriend made the costumes,â he says, tossing his gaze over to you at his side. You roll your eyes at him, but your smile grows.Â
âMaking it is not the same as making it look good. You did that all on your own,â you shoot back earnestly. The three guys in front of you throw on a look of disgust, as if they werenât the ones telling Jaemin he needed a girlfriend. Jaemin just looks over at you with a soft gleam in his eyes, his mouth straining as he tries to conceal a smile. He opts to just kiss you on the cheek instead, then reaching for your far shoulder and pulling you his way. He snakes his arms around you to keep you there in a hug from behind, his thumb gently rubbing up and down your waist. The five of you stood in a circle just talking for at least an hour. Occasionally, one of them would leave to grab drinks for the group, though you were sure to just stick to water the entire night as everyone around you became a comfortable state of tipsy.Â
Eventually, Jaemin unwound his arms from your figure, causing you to turn your head and look up at him in question. He lets an easy smile paint his lips. âIâm just running to the bathroom real quick. Iâll come find you again in a few.â
You nod your head, and your eyes follow Jaemin for as long as they could before he became completely indistinguishable from the rest of the crowd. You turn your attention back to Renjun, Jeno, and Haechan. âIâm gonna go find Mark,â you start with an awkward laugh. âI donât know if he even knows Jaemin and I are here.â The three of them nod at you, Renjun racking his foggy brain for where he thinks he last saw him. You nod, thanking them for their company so far, and then heading off towards the kitchen under the guidance of Renjunâs memory.Â
When Jaemin steps out of the bathroom, he almost immediately runs into the body of another guy. Opening his mouth to apologize, the guest beats him to words.
âJaemin, nice costume,â he says, and Jaemin loses his tension at the compliment.
âOh, thank you-â He starts, but is quickly cut off again by the stranger.
âYou got another one of your hoes to match with tomorrow?â He slurs with a smile, throwing an arm around Jaeminâs shoulder.
Jaeminâs eyes widen as he snakes out under the touch, guiding their hand back down to their side. âUh, no, y/nâs my girlfriend. Itâs just her and weâre just out for tonight,â he replies, turning his gaze away from the man to instead scan the crowd and try to lay eyes back on you.
âHa! Good one,â the guy laughs out, and Jaemin snaps his gaze back to him in confusion.
âGood one?â He echoes back in question, but with a hard slap on his back that Jaemin thinks was meant to be playful, his conversation partner quickly leaves. Jaemin stands there for a moment puzzled, but he tries to shake out of the uncomfortable feeling as he directs his gaze back to the big crowd, looking for where you may have wandered off to once he sees youâre no longer with the previous group.
He quickly realizes he wouldnât be able to find you by standing in one place, so he picks up his feet and starts weaving through the crowd again. When he feels a hand on his back, he assumes itâs you, and he whips around towards the figure. His face quickly drops when he realizes it isnât you, and suddenly heâs extremely conscious of how everyoneâs been touching him tonight.Â
âSuch a shame your costume shows so little skin,â the girl says with a small pout and a fake innocence in her eyes. Jaemin tries to take a step back, just to bump into more people dancing and forcing him back into close proximity. He swallows hard, accepting the fact that he was having to engage in this conversation now.
âMy girlfriend picked it out,â he says firmly, and the girl in front of him just tilts her head to the side, now rubbing a hand up and down his arm.
âWell, sheâs ruining the fun,â she replies, something like pity in her eyes as she looks at Jaemin. He furrows his brows, his breath getting heavier as the air seems to get thinner.Â
âUm, I- I think Iâm still fun without showing skin,â Jaemin fumbles out, and the girl just laughs, finally letting her hand drop from his arm as her doe-eyed expression turns mean.
âYouâd like to believe that,â she says, shaking her head and walking off.
Jaemin stared after her in a weird mix of hurt and confusion that he hadnât ever felt before. âWhat?â He asks in defeat, but there was no one there to give him any clarification.Â
He desperately starts looking around for you again. If he could just get back to you, if he could just slip his hand into yours, he was sure the heavy weight thatâs found its way onto his chest would disappear. He was shaking, he didnât know when he had started shaking, but it seemed to take the place of his breathing, and now he was worried about whether or not he would even have time to find you before he suffocated. Almost all the effort he was placing into finding you was now being placed into holding back his tears. Everything was too loud, he couldnât hear his own thoughts, couldnât hear his voice if he spoke aloud, suddenly not sure if he was even getting any words out when he opened his mouth, which only worried him more because he was dying and he couldnât tell anyone.Â
Holding your hand, it was the only positive thought he could seem to cling to, the only thing keeping him from collapsing to the floor in a ball - he had to find you, he wanted to hold your hand. He thinks itâs a miracle that his feet are able to start moving again, especially when someone definitely put 50 lb weights in his shoes without him knowing.Â
He finally lays eyes on you, now in the kitchen talking with Mark, Chenle, and Jisung. Though you were maybe ten feet away, it might as well have been miles, as another hand gets placed on his chest from a random girl in front of him. âJames, let me know if you get bored of Jessie later. I can give you a good time,â she says with a smirk, and Jaemin feels like heâs going to throw up; though he canât quite tell if that was because of her words or the whirlwind of the past three minutes. In fact, if he knew just how badly he was shaking, he wouldâve questioned how she didnât feel it when she placed her hand on his chest.Â
He shakes his head as quickly as he could without getting too dizzy to continue his trek towards you. âNo, I quite like Jessie,â he says through hiccups, not sure when the first stray tear made its way down his cheek. He pushes past the girl without giving her time to respond and make him feel worse. All he wanted was you, and when he finally got close enough to place his shaky hand in yours, all he could manage were whispered words that he prayed would reach you, or at least leave his mouth at all.Â
âPlease donât leave me.â
Still in conversation with Mark, Chenle, and Jisung, you donât turn too much attention to Jaemin slightly behind you as you settle your hand into his touch, but thatâs when you feel how badly heâs shaking. âJaem, are you okay?â You ask at your side, though your eyes remained trained on Chenle as he told the least dramatic story in the most dramatic way.
âThereâs a lot of people here,â Jaemin whimpers out, the answer confusing enough to pull your focus away from Chenle.Â
âI know-â You start, your gaze following from your interlocked hands up his arm and to his face, but thatâs when you actually see the state heâs in and your face instantly falls into worry. A steady stream of tears cascaded down his cheeks, his eyes tightly shut to block out the extra stimulation, only opening them to look at you before promptly getting embarrassed and turning away. You immediately squeeze his hand a little tighter in your hold, getting him to train his eyes back on you. You pick up your words as he does so, careful to hide your immense worry in your tone and instead speaking softly for him. âHeyâŠletâs get you to a quieter room, okay?â
Jaemin nods his head minimally, able to let out a choked response. âOkay.â You take no extra time in telling the others that you were going to have to get filled in on the story later. Instead, you just make sure your grip on Jaeminâs hand is enough to not lose him while navigating through the crowd as you immediately lead him upstairs and into an empty room.Â
âTalk to me, whatâs going on?â You say, closing the door and turning on a soft lamp light before you whip back around to watch Jaemin pace the entire floor, his fingers running frantically through his hair.Â
âI donât know. Everyone keeps talking to me and touching me and everything is so loud and my head hurts and itâs so hot Iâm sweating and dizzy and freaking out-â He spoke all at once, and you knew the last thing he needed was to run out of breath while explaining. You jump to cut him off, still trying your best to make your voice as calming as possible for him.
âHeyâŠitâs gonna be okay. Can you sit down for me?â The second you said it, Jaemin was on the floor, his heavy breaths visibly not making it to his whole body. Your eyes soften some more as you look at him. It didnât take a genius to tell you heâs never been in this situation before, and all he knew to do was trust you. You let out a soft sigh as you move closer to him. âI know you said youâre hot and sweaty and overwhelmed with touch, but is it okay if I hug you?â
âPlease.â The word comes out weak, riddled with enough tears to make you break. You sit down behind him, placing your legs out along his own outstretched ones as you gently hug him from behind. Â
âYou can close your eyes, just focus on my voice. Youâre gonna be okay,â you state with confidence, rubbing a thumb gently up and down his side. Jaemin is quick to refute, shaking his head with an intensity you wish he wouldnât right now.
âNo, y/n, it feels like Iâm dying,â he says, fear covering every aspect of his voice. You let out a soft sigh.
âYouâre not dying, youâre panicking.â This, too, he refuses to accept. His response comes out as firm as it could through tears.
âI donât panic. Iâm the cool guy. Iâm not panicking, Iâm dying.â
Despite yourself, a small laugh escapes you through an exhale, and you hug Jaemin to you extra tight. âBaby, no matter how cool you are, thereâs not a person in the world completely immune to panic attacks.â
Jaemin stills for a moment, the sudden switch confusing you before he speaks and confuses you even more. âI thought you didnât like that word,â he says, wiping his face of tears and then placing his hands on your own arms around his torso.Â
You furrow your eyebrows, though with him in front of you, there was no point. âWhat word?â You ask. Surely he wasnât talking about the word âpanic attackâ but racking your brain, there was nothing else you said that wasnât just a normal word.
âYou donât know you said it,â he says curiously, a small sniffle coming from his figure as he tries his own attempt at a light laugh.Â
âWhat are you talking about, Jaem?â You question again. At this point, you were sure one of you was going crazy, and you really were banking on it not being you. Though, Jaemin just dismisses the subject, and with you sitting behind him, you missed the small smile that now covered his features.
âNothing, please just continue holding me like this,â he begs softly, and you nod your head, squeezing him tighter for a second.
âIâm not going anywhere,â you reply seriously, and there you and Jaemin sat for at least another ten minutes; the only noise to break the silence was his occasional cries as he still tried to rid himself of tears and calm down completely.Â
When you couldnât remember his last sniffle, you start to rub your thumb up and down a portion of his waist, disrupting the physical stillness before you spoke and disrupted the silence.
âI wanna get you some water soon,â you say gently, but any attempt to move from your position was shot down as Jaemin quickly fumbled to grab your arms and press them firmly back down across his torso, his body beginning to shake again at the idea of you getting up.
âNo! Donât leave! Please,â he chokes out, and almost all of the progress you thought he made in the past few minutes was erased.
You sigh, and refusing to think about the fact that you were practically breaking your own rule, you lean forward to kiss him on the cheek. âIâm staying right next to you, Jaem,â you start, and you watch as he basically forces his breathing to get back to normal at your wordsâŠor at least tries to. âDo you want me to call Jeno and get him to bring up water for you, or do you want to follow me down to the kitchen, grab a water bottle, and leave?â Â
Jaemin thinks for a moment before dropping his head in what you assume was shame, which was the last thing he needed to be feeling. âI- can we leave?â
You squeeze your arms around his body once more in acknowledgement. âYeah, come on,â you reply, and the two of you slowly make your way off the floor and into a standing position. As you let go of his waist, you immediately grab his hand in yours, looking up at Jaemin for confirmation that this was what he wanted to do. He stared back down at you with a teary smile and nod, and with that, you led him out of the bedroom and back downstairs.Â
Thankfully, Mark, Chenle, and Jisung were still in the kitchen, meaning you had to cover no extra ground to fill Mark in on your departure.Â
âHey, Iâm gonna take Jaemin home,â you say, turning to face Mark after grabbing a water bottle from the fridge he was standing next to.
Mark furrows his brows. âEverything okay?â He asks, knowing Jaemin wasnât one to leave parties early, nor was he one to have tear streaks painted across his face.
You try to smile but it comes out more as a grimace. âYeah, heâs just a little overwhelmed today. Thank you for inviting us, though. It was a blast.âÂ
Mark nods his head in understanding. âThanks for coming. Are you driving?â
âYeah,â you reply, and Mark forces some sobriety back in his system.
âYou havenât had anything to drink, have you?â He asks in worry, and you let a grateful smile paint your face as you respond.
âNo, Iâm okay.â
Mark nods before taking another sip of his own drink. âOkay. Be safe. Iâll see you guys soon.â You reciprocate his nod in acknowledgement and then immediately lead Jaemin towards the front door and back to the car.
You make sure heâs all taken care of in the passenger seat before you start messing with the controls in the driverâs seat to move it to where you could actually drive. You make a mental note to apologize about changing the position of his seat and mirrors tomorrow after everythingâs calmed down, but as you start driving, Jaemin is the one to beat you to an apology.Â
âIâm sorry,â he says weakly, and you risk a quick glance over at him with furrowed brows.
âHuh, why?â
Jaemin fiddles with his fingers in his lap, unable to look anywhere else because of his embarrassment. âFor making you leave the party. You were having fun,â he answers softly, and despite your best efforts, a small laugh escapes you.
âJaem, I was having fun because all we did was hang around with our group of friends. I donât care for parties in and of themselves, you know that. Truthfully, Iâd rather just be with you right now,â you say, and as you pull up to a stop sign, you look back over at him again. Defeat riddled his features as he spits out a response.
âBut Iâm just crying.â He speaks those words as though he were mad at himself for it, and you donât understand how your best friend came to believe that he always had to be some perfectly presented guy.
You let out a sigh before turning your attention back to the road. âIt doesnât change the fact that I like spending time with you. Besides, youâd be crazy to think Iâd rather be anywhere else right now when youâve got me so worried about you.â When the only response from Jaemin is another sob he tries to cover up, you frown. âIâm not mad at you for making us leave the party early, and Iâm not mad at you for crying,â you add on, and Jaemin finally lifts his head to look over at you in his driverâs seat. He seems to scan your figure up and down, processing your words and the fact that you were actually taking care of him right now. He sniffles once more before abruptly turning his focus back to his lap, and the car ride is silent the rest of the way to his apartment.Â
As soon as Jaemin gets into his own room, he already looks a thousand times better; the tension in his shoulders finally falls and his breathing gets more regular. You scavenge around his apartment for anything he may need during the night and next morning, because outside of his panic attack, he was still tipsy, too.Â
With a fresh water bottle and ibuprofen set on his night stand, you bid Jaemin goodnight, running a hand gently through his hair as he laid down in bed. However, before you can fully turn around and leave, Jaemin catches the hand you just had in his hair. In shock, you whip back around, just to be met with wide pleading eyes.
âPlease stay,â he says softly, and your breath hitches for a moment before you resume your cool, or at least try to.
âJaemin-â You start, your tone already giving way to your refusal. Though, Jaemin cuts you off in an instant, his grip on you getting slightly tighter.
âYou said you wouldnât leave me,â he shoots back, and his voice is already shaky again from the sudden raise in volume of his claim.
You sigh, trying to slowly snake your hand out of his grip as you reply. âYeah, but I was kind of meaning that for while we were still at the party, notâŠnow, when youâre going to sleep.â
He refuses to let you out of his hold, and he pulls you even closer to the end of the bed. âWhat if Haechan comes back?â He starts, trying his best to talk normally. âHeâd be really confused as to why you didnât stay over after the night I had.â
Despite yourself, you let out a small laugh. âThereâs no shot Haechan makes it back tonight or is sober enough to think about anything but getting in bed himself. Youâre just saying that to try and convince me.â
He finally lets his grip on you drop as he lets out a heavy breath bordering on the dividing line between defeat and hope. âIs it working?â He asks, and though you were finally free from his grasp, able to just say a final goodnight and leave to head back to your place, you donât. Instead, you drop your head, speaking so softly youâre not sure Jaemin would even be able to hear.
âI want the side next to the wall.âÂ
With your gaze facing the floor, you couldnât see the sudden warm glow behind Jaeminâs eyes as he pulled back the comforter on that side and pulled his legs up so you could crawl over by the foot of the bed, neither of you saying another word as you do.Â
Jaemin didnât know why he was so captivated by watching you fall asleep in his bed. The two of you mustâve been at least a full foot away from each other, as you immediately made sure to press up against the wall and make yourself as small as you could. That was fine by Jaemin. He wasnât asking for the two of you to cuddle in the first place - this was still a fake relationship after all, and he was very much aware of that. In fact, that truth was probably more plaguing than ever at the front of his mind. Now instead of a reminder that he had to pretend to date you, it was a reminder that this was ending in two months. Jaeminâs tipsy brain couldnât put together what the sinking feeling in his chest meant at the realization of that. So, he pushed it away, and just looked over at you sleeping peacefully right up against the wall. He didnât need to have his arms around you - knowing you were next to him was enough, and for the first time that night since the party started, he was completely at peace.
When you wake up and realize you were more comfortable than usual in your bed, you open your eyes and figure out that itâs because youâre not in your bed. In fact, youâre hardly resting against a bed at all. Instead, one of your arms is lazily thrown over your best friendâs waist as your head rested comfortably, incredibly too comfortably, on his chest. The discovery that your legs were some kind of interlaced didnât make things any better, and the full realization that you were practically on top of Jaemin had you jolt. This, of course, didnât do anything but wake him up. With your head now propped up on his chest, you watch as he slowly peeks open one of his eyes, exhaustion still written over all his features. However, the second his gaze lands on you, he shoots open both eyes. Embarrassment quickly floods your being as you address everything. âUh, sorry. I didnât mean to-â
Youâre cut off with a light chuckle and softly spoken words from Jaemin. âYouâre okay.â Regardless of his response, you canât shake the embarrassment. Jaeminâs arms fall from around your body as you try to get up, and thatâs when you realize both of his arms were wrapped around you in the first place. You push the thought to the back of your head, turning to get off of his bed completely.Â
Youâre stopped by his hand grabbing yours. You quickly turn your attention back to Jaemin, who still had yet to move any part of his body but his arms as he looks at you softly, pleading. âCan we go back to sleep?â
You swallow awkwardly, your throat now suddenly dry. You dart your eyes around his room before sighing and just landing your gaze back on him. âUm, do you still need me here for that?â You ask genuinely. Jaemin breaks eye contact this time, as he just looks down at your two hands still holding onto each other. He gives a slow nod of his head, humming a little.Â
You bite your lip to stop a smile from coming onto your face. It wasnât often that you got to see your best friend looking as gentle and small as he did now. Jaemin, with the larger than life personality just wanting to stay in bed with you, it was hard to say âno.â So, you donât. âOkay.â Though when you move to resume your position back by the wall, he chuckles a bit and uses your still interlocked hands to pull you back onto him.Â
The next two days after you woke up on top of Jaemin (again) were filled with an awkward period of zero contact between the two of you. You couldnât blame him for not responding to your text to hang out the day after. You were both really good at never crossing lines back in high school, but Halloween put a blur on every single oneâŠand it didnât help that he was tipsy that night, too. Outside of whatever rules in your contract were broken, you were sure Jaemin was also just embarrassed to no end.Â
There was a lot of pressure on him to be this man with no emotions; his label as a fuckboy meant people typically started and stopped all their thoughts about him at the sexual level, and he did his best to live up to their many expectations in that department, neglecting all the other parts of his being that needed tending to. Vulnerability was not a Jaemin specialty, largely because itâs never what anyone was looking for from him; and anything that lessened his sex appeal, and thus meant he couldnât make a call and immediately have any girl he wanted, was a possibility he sought to avoid.Â
You didnât necessarily mind the no-contact, though. Your heart was doing flips and spins in Jaeminâs presence on Halloween, and you had to give yourself a cool-down period before seeing him so that you could act normal around him again - whatever it was that ânormalâ looked like when you were having to convince a group of friends that you liked your best friend while convincing your best friend you didnât actually like him.Â
Jaemin made up an excuse for your absence at Mondayâs lunch, but on Tuesday he finally messaged you again and asked you out for ice cream, which you of course said âyesâ to. He meets you at the entrance to your dorm and smiles at you with something like a sigh of relief when you smile back at him; though, with his messy hair, thick-framed glasses, and a hoodie adorning his figure, it was hard to do anything but smile - he looked criminally boyfriend.Â
âHey, Iâm- sorryâŠfor it being weird these past few days,â he gets out somewhat awkwardly as you start on your walk towards the best ice cream parlor by campus.Â
You shake your head with a small laugh. âItâs okay. Youâve been going through it recently,â you joke, and Jaemin licks his lips before bringing himself to laugh as well.Â
âThanks for uh- putting up with me on Halloween.â He speaks as though the words were bitter on his tongue. âIâm sorry about forcing you to spend the night.âÂ
You let out a sigh. You wanted to stop and force him to see the sincerity in your eyes as you told him that you werenât âputting up with him,â but you knew you needed to keep this moment more casual so he wouldnât find these vulnerable bits overwhelming and consequently shut down. So instead, you just keep walking with a small shake of your head.
âYou donât have to apologize for that. You just had a panic attack - if I didnât spend the night, I wouldnât have gotten any sleep. I wouldâve stayed up all night worried about you. It was better that I was with you.âÂ
Jaemin lets something like a grimace cross his features as he responds with a wry laugh. âYou care about me a lot,â he points out, making you look up at him by your side with raised brows.
âOf course I do. Youâre my best friend,â you say seriously, and Jaemin looks down to meet your gaze, giving away the distant look in his eyes.
âHa, fair,â he begins. âI care about you a lot, too.â As he continues, he drops his head to face his feet. âBut I donât think Iâd know how to take care of you while youâre having a panic attack,â he admits regrettably, but all you can do is give a soft smile.
âIâm not expecting you to. All I ask is that you let me be there for you again if you have another oneâŠand that you stop being so embarrassed about showing emotions,â you tack on, causing Jaemin to laugh a bit in defeat.
âOkay, angel, but only with you. I have a hot guy persona to keep up in the real world,â he says through a smile, but you shake your head.
âYouâre hot, regardless,â you deadpan, and Jaeminâs face lights up as he nudges you in the side playfully.
âWell, look at that! You sweet talker. Maybe Iâll pay for your ice cream today,â he banters, and soon the two of you are in shared laughter as you elbow him back.Â
âWhatever. Iâm 80% sure you were gonna pay for my ice cream even before that.â
â80%?â He echos, bringing a hand up to his chest as though heâs been shot. âSuch little faith,â he tuts, shaking his head and making you roll your eyes playfully.
âAm I supposed to have more faith in a fuckboy than that?â You tease, and Jaeminâs face falls into a mock seriousness, holding open the door to the ice cream parlor for you as he looks at your figure with raised eyebrows.Â
âNo, youâre supposed to have more faith in your best friend than that,â he says as you pass through the door, and you look back at him to share matching small smiles.
âYeah, yeah, I know. I have nothing but faith in you,â you reply as he, too, fully steps inside and lets the door swing closed behind him. The proximity has you looking almost directly up at him as he stares down at you in much the same manner; playful gleams in your eyes and fond smiles adorning your faces. At once, he nods his head towards the counter behind you.
âGo order, angel. Itâs on me today.âÂ
You scrunch your face up at him with a big grin. âThanks, handsome.â Then you promptly turn around and head towards where the cashier was waiting to take your order, not even taking one chance to look back and see how red Jaeminâs face had gotten in response.Â
Jaemin knew it was coming, that was the funny thing. He just wasnât expecting the disconnect between his head and his heart to be remedied all at once; but looking at you standing in line and pointing at what flavor you wanted, he had never wanted to do this with anyone else, but he really really wanted it with you, today and every day after that.
Sitting down and actually eating ice cream included the most normal of conversations between you and Jaemin. He wasnât your best friend for nothing - the two of you could talk forever and never run out of things to say or comfort and joy to find in each otherâs presence. As such, when you finished your ice cream cones and left the parlor, interaction flowed as it always had while he walked you back to your dormâŠmeaning the two of you looked like just best friends; close enough on the sidewalk to hear each other but far enough apart so that there was no possibility of accidentally grazing the back of each otherâs hands or anything. You were hardly conscious of it, elated at the fact that you and Jaemin were so close and consistent again after the past few years, but Jaemin could practically only focus on the distance between the two of you.
You had basically just stepped foot back on actual campus when Jaemin abruptly stopped, grabbing your wrist and turning you towards him as he spoke in a rush.
âMy friends are looking, kiss me,â he says in something close to a panic, and so you immediately oblige, pressing up on your tiptoes to kiss him firmly. You place your hands on his chest to steady yourself as you break away, catching your breath - something that Jaemin always seemed to make you lose - as you turn your head around to look at the surrounding area.
âWhere are they?â You ask through a light pant, turning back to Jaemin once you checked and double checked but caught no sign of his friends.Â
Jaemin licks his lips hesitantly, shaking his head. âThey must have left already,â he says through an exhale, and you take a deep breath, finally allowing yourself to step away from Jaeminâs body as you face the ground, trying to regain your footing from the whiplash it felt you just went through. Jaemin lets out an awkward cough before speaking up again. âWe should probably hold hands all the time when weâre in public, though. Iâm pretty sure Chenleâs the only suspicious one still out of the friend group, but itâd throw anyone off if weâre dating and not holding hands. And if thereâs one thing I learned from the Halloween party, itâs that people donât know weâre dating, and that should probably change so it doesnât just look like an act put on for the friend groupâŠor Chenleâs never gonna believe it.âÂ
He wasnât wrong, and you knew that - you knew that before all of this even started. Rule number three was that the act is immediately dropped in private, but that came with the other side of things being that you had to put on an act while in public, regardless of who was around to witness it.Â
You nod your head slowly. âYeah, okay,â you cede, and Jaeminâs hand immediately finds yours, the warmth from the contact making you realize how chilled your bones currently were. There was no more hiding it from girls in your classes now - you were Jaeminâs girlfriend to the general public, not just to his six best friends. You needed these next two months to pass by quickly, because with the promise of Jaeminâs hand being in yours more than ever, you were sure your chances of survival just decreased dramatically.Â
That Friday, your date night was replaced with a night in at Jaeminâs apartment. As soon as he shot you a text saying he was home from class, you made your way over to his place. He opened the door with the bright smile he typically revealed just for you, stepping back to let you inside with a fond, âhey angel.âÂ
You step inside with a smile and small greeting in reply. âWhat do you wanna do today?â You ask, turning around to face him once you realize you were aimlessly crossing the span of his apartment for no reason. Already preparing for the question, Jaemin moves his hand from behind his back to reveal a thick blu-ray case in his grip.
âHarry Potter movie marathon?â He asks with a smirk.
You look back at him with raised eyebrows and a small grin of your own. âYou know I canât say ânoâ to Harry Potter at any point in the Fall or Winter seasons,â you reply, and Jaeminâs eyes find a new glow behind them.
âThat and Gilmore Girls; though Iâm much more in the mood for Harry Potter because if we started rewatching Gilmore Girls now, weâd have to get through all those episodes with that floppy-haired jerk and really, Jess is so much better,â he adds on seriously, and all you can do is laugh.Â
âHey, Dean is at least better than Logan,â you respond, and Jaemin lets out an actual groan.
âPlease donât get me started on LoganâŠcan we instead get started on Harry Potter?â He asks again, waving the disc case around invitingly and causing you to laugh some more as you walk towards the couch.Â
âJust waiting on you,â you answer as you plop down on the couch, making Jaemin roll his eyes playfully before turning around to set everything up on the TV. As the familiar soundtrack fills the room, Jaemin places himself next to you like normal, handing you a blanket to make the cozy night-in complete.Â
Two hours later, as Jaemin got up to switch out the discs from The Sorcererâs Stone to The Chamber of Secrets, you got up for a bathroom break, and when the two of you sat back down, there was maybe an inch less space between you both than previously. Not much else changed. That is, until not even ten minutes into the second movie. You catch in your peripheral as Jaemin moves his hand up to scratch at the back of his neck. You donât think anything of it until that arm doesnât come back down to his side, but instead wraps around the back of your shoulders.
âIs Haechan here?â You ask lightly, trying to talk over the sound of your breath hitching. Haechanâs room was closest to the bathroom, and you donât remember any sign of life coming from nearby while you were in there, but nothing else explained this, because this was not normal between the two of you.Â
âNo,â Jaemin answers shortly, and all you can do is swallow hesitantly as you fight for words again.
âThen why is your arm around my shoulder?â You ask, trying to make it sound as though your words were a playful tease and not a desperate question.Â
Jaemin looks over at you with raised eyebrows and a playful smirk. âBecause what if he comes back?â He replies casually, and you try to roll your eyes in much the same manner, as though his arm around your shoulder wasnât single-handedly making your heart rate spike. He was right, anyway - if Haechan came back, it would be weird for the two of you to be sitting any other way.
It was during Prisoner of Azkaban when Haechan inevitably walked into the apartment. Busy with locking the door behind him, he was caught off guard when locking eyes with the two of you as he turned back around. Though, all at once, his gaze softened as he looked between you, Jaemin, and the television. âHey guys,â he says warmly, and you mentally high-five yourself not only for the fact that you and Jaemin seemed to have truly won Haechan over, but also that you had won Haechan over; the main reason this bet was even made was because Haechan couldnât stand whatever girl it was that Jaemin had over, but here he was, excited to see you cuddled into Jaemin on the couch, and that win was not lost on you.Â
âHey,â Jaemin replied with a smile. âWeâre watching Harry Potter if you want to join,â he continues, but Haechan shakes his head at the extended invite as he moves to grab something from the mess that was the kitchen counter.
âTempting, but- Iâm all good. Iâm about to head back out, actually. Mark and I are gonna hit a few bars and try to unwind from this bullshit week,â he says with a weak laugh. You and Jaemin flash your eyebrows in acknowledgement.Â
âLet me know if you need a ride back home. Weâll swing by to grab you and Mark, or- I will, at least, depending on what time it ends up being. Regardless, be safe. I enjoy having you as a roommate,â Jaemin says, his tone turning more playful with every word.Â
Haechan rolls his eyes with a smile. âYeah, yeah. I wonât drink and drive. We all know Iâm smarter than that,â he says, but when he makes eye contact with you and Jaemin again, he meets your wide-eyed stares of doubt, causing him to shake his head with a more hearty laugh. âYou guys suck,â he says with a smile. âIâll keep you updated throughout the night. It was nice seeing you, y/n,â he continues seriously, beginning to fiddle with the front door lock on his exit.
âYou, too,â you reply genuinely, and with one more nod and wave goodbye, he was out the door. It wasnât even five seconds later when Jaeminâs arm detaches itself from your shoulder, instead finding comfort at his side again. He didnât pay any mind to it, his attention pinned solely on the movie. You do your best to not show any physical reaction to the absence of his touch, especially when you were the one giving him a hard time for it in the first place. Youâre almost shocked by how well Jaemin is able to turn it on and off, though you figure the real problem was how poorly you were able to do the same. Jaemin was just doing his part, exactly as he said he would.Â
Your heart had to stop looking for hidden meaning to every touch, every âangel,â because he was your best friend and crush, but you were his best friend and fake-girlfriend. Unbeknownst to you, Jaemin ran through the same spiel in reverse inside his own head, figuring if he kept his arm around you now with the promise of Haechan being gone, you would surely catch onto the fact that he craved your touch more than typical of best friends - which was exactly what you both were going back to at the start of the new year.
It was the first Tuesday after you and Jaemin agreed to ramp up your public dating facade, and you were already the center of attention as you walked into class at 11:00. You tell yourself no oneâs gaze locked onto you as you opened the door for class - that you were making it up; but at least some percent of that story was false, because as you sit in your chair and start pulling out your notebook for class, your name gets called from the seat diagonal to you. âY/n, rumor has it that you and Jaemin are actually dating,â this girl, Hana, says. You knew she was looking for a response, so you donât give her one, instead focusing on your pen mindlessly rolling between your fingers.Â
âYou? With a guy like him?â She continues, adding more bite and disbelief to each word. You keep your gaze focused in front of you, jaw tightening as you try to hide more robust reactions. That is, until she continues. âYou canât be that good in bed.â Your fist clenches as you whip your head towards her; furrowed, taunting eyebrows matching the fire in her eyes and the smirk on her lips, the rest of her friend group snickering behind her. You have the patience for none of it - you were not going to sit here and take this.
âActually,â you begin, your kind tone dripping in sarcasm. âI know this is something you donât have experience with, so bear with me, but Jaemin genuinely likes me as a person and so I didnât have to win him over with just my skills in bed. Yeah! He actually wants to hold my hand and tell me pretty things and Iâm just so sorry that he never had the desire to do any of that with the likes of you!â You give her one last look before shrugging a bit, even your fake smile completely ridden from your face. âActually, Iâm not sorry at all.â
Hana looks mortified, her friend group in the surrounding desks all watching the exchange now with wide eyes. You donât even think any of them saw it coming when Hana got up from her seat and lunged towards you, swinging at your face. âYou bitch!â She yells at you, her fist making contact with the area around your eye. You wince slightly but you refused to give her the satisfaction of a bigger reaction - youâd leave that for when you were alone. You move your hand up to touch the area, making sure none of her rings caught your skin and drew blood, but when your fingers came back clean, you just move your gaze back to her in disinterest.
âAre you done now?â You ask monotonously. You catch her fist clench again in your peripheral and prepare yourself for another hit because seemingly none of the other students were concerned with stopping the exchange. However, your professor finally walks in before Hana can even get another word out, and instead sheâs told to take her seat as you swing back to face the front of the room in your own chair. The throbbing that half of your face was currently experiencing would have to wait an hour and twenty minutes to be addressed, you werenât letting her win.
Thankfully, that was your last of two classes for the day, so you were able to head back to your dorm directly after. You throw your backpack down in the entryway and immediately head for your bathroom to assess the damages. âFuck,â you whisper under your breath. The hour and a half was enough time for a proper bruise to start forming, and it wasnât necessarily the prettiest of black eyes. You move a hand up to touch the area again, this time just the light pressure already putting you in horrid pain. With a defeated groan, you leave the bathroom and dig through your freezer for an ice pack to hold up to the area instead.Â
Settling yourself down on the couch, you decide the last thing you need is for Jaemin to see you like this. With a sigh, you open your phone and pull up your texts with him. Hey, just a heads up, I donât have a lot of time to hang this week or make it to friend group lunches. Â
Jaeminâs reply is almost instantaneous. Is everything okay?
You frown at the message. You hated lying to your best friend, but explaining what was up would defeat the whole purpose of saying you couldnât hang out anyways. Yep! You reply instead, thankful when Jaemin didnât press any further. Youâd give yourself a week to heal, and then you were sure makeup would be able to cover what little would be left of the bruising by then.
Those plans didnât even last twenty-four hours. There was a knock on your door after classes on Wednesday and you figured it was your RA here to remind you not to leave your windows open while out at class with the chances of snow ever increasing. Though, when you lazily throw your door open, itâs your best friend on the other side. Your eyes go wide and you immediately move a hand up to cover the left half of your face where your black eye was still very much at its peak. âJaemin, what are you doing here?!â You ask in a rush, but he doesnât match your demeanor at all.
Instead, he shrugs, a light smile painting his lips. âI missed you, angel-â He answers as he brings a hand up to your wrist and gently guides your own hand down away from your faceâŠand thatâs when his energy completely flips, eyes going wide as he rushes to place a hand on your cheek and assess the damage himself. âOh my god, what happened to you?!â He asks in a panic. You shake your head adamantly, trying to move his hand away from your face as you reply with a serious bite.
âNothing, itâs fine,â you reply dismissively, and Jaeminâs eyebrows furrow as he scans your entire face.
âIs this why you said you couldnât hang out?â He asks, almost mad if you had to put an emotion on it.
You shake your head, dropping your gaze to face the floor. âJaem, donât worry about it-â You start indifferently, but he cuts you off with enough emotion for the both of you.Â
âWhat happened?â He questions again, this time his tone much firmer than any of his previous questions. His gaze bore into you, and you knew there wasnât any getting out of this. You let out an annoyed sigh, shrugging like it was nothing as you go to reply.
âThis girl in my class found out we were dating, and apparently that pissed her off because she didnât think I deserved you or I was taking her spot and all that. And I snapped back so she punched me,â you finally answer, and Jaeminâs body language immediately softens as he looks over you once more with a frown and wide eyes.
âY/nâŠâ You donât want to deal with his sorry tone. Instead, you move to meet his gaze again as you shake your head, the frustrated tears in your eyes rather revealing themself in your fractured tone.
âPlease just sleep with her, Jaem. Tell her we broke up or something and then sleep with her. Or pretend youâre cheating on me with herâŠsheâd love that, and no one would believe her if she said so, so we keep our cover,â you suggest in a rush, and Jaemin looks at you as though you just committed murder.
âNo. Absolutely not,â he replies instantly.
âJaem-â You start through a defeated exhale, but hearing you out was currently the last thing on Jaeminâs mind.
âIâm not fucking sleeping with someone who hurt you,â he states with force, and you donât know why this is such a big deal to him, not when the solution was this simple.
âI would just rather have her satisfied and dealt with,â you respond hollowly, and Jaemin actually lets out a laugh.
âOh, Iâll be sure to deal with her, donât worry.â His angry promise makes you sigh, and all you can do is respond in defeat.
âJaem-â You begin, and youâre not given any time to decide how you want to continue as he cuts you off. Passion still courses through Jaeminâs body as he shakes his head, taking a break from clenching his jaw to speak again.
âShe should know better than to lay a hand on my girl,â he argues, and now you absolutely know you need to get him to calm down.
âIâm not really your girl,â you state plainly, and if you werenât already feeling deflated, you sure did now as you admitted that. Jaemin seems to react to your statement in much the same way, his features softening for a moment as he looked at you again, bringing a hand up to run through his hair in frustration; though this time, the frustration was aimed towards himself.Â
âI- I know. Iâm sorry, I never should have asked you to do this for me. I was so selfish, goddammit,â he rambles under his breath absentmindedly as he begins to pace back and forth. You shake your head softly, reaching out to catch Jaeminâs wrist and force his movements to still.
âItâs fine, handsome,â you state firmly, and you watch as a million emotions run over Jaeminâs face, him just sucking on his bottom lip in hesitation. The hand that was previously caught in your grip comes up to cup your cheek again, his thumb lightly grazing your bruise as he studies you with a sad look on his face.Â
âNo, angel,â he begins with a sigh. âItâs really not.âÂ
You falter under his soft gaze and sure words, shaking your head as you fumble for words of your own. âIt will be fine, then. Just let me lay low for a bit. I probably wonât be at lunch on FridayâŠI donât necessarily need your friends seeing me beat up like this,â you try and laugh off.
Jaemin looks at you quizzically. âThey wouldnât-â He begins, but you cut him off with pleading eyes.
âJaem, please,â you counter, and he just nods his head solemnly.Â
âOkay.â He lets out a breath before darting his gaze around from you to the rest of the living area, locking eyes with your backpack and giving him a reason to stay in your presence for a bit longer. âCan we do homework together?â He asks, and you lightly sigh as you nod your head, guiding his hand down from your cheek so you could instead head towards the couch and set everything up on the coffee table for the two of you.Â
Your main distraction from homework came in the form of whatever was on the television. Jaeminâs main distraction came in the form of you; he could hardly finish one part of an assignment without turning his head to look over at you, chewing on his bottom lip as he studied you softly, then whipping his gaze back to his laptop before you could ever feel his eyes on you. It was the least productive he's ever been.
Friday was the next time you saw Jaemin, when he came over as per usual for your âdate nights.â However, with you missing the friend group lunch for the second time this week, he immediately greeted you with a related request. âHey, the guys miss you. They wanted to know if you were down for a movie night tomorrow,â he says casually as he closes the door behind him.Â
You turn to face him with a straight face. âJaem, my black eye isnât going to be-â You watch as Jaemin rolls his lips inward and dodges your eye contact, and all you can do is let out a heavy sigh. âYou told them, didnât you?â You ask instead, and Jaeminâs hidden lips reappear to form a weak donât-be-mad grin. That is, until he meets your eyes again and lets out his own sigh, shrugging his shoulders as he resets his facial expression to something more casual again.
âThey wanted to know where you were,â he says in defense. You watch as the memory of lunch replays behind his eyes and he tilts his head slightly as he looks at you with an anticipatory cringe in how you were going to respond as he continues. ââŠand now theyâre all pissed and want to be there to make you feel better, too,â he finishes with a dorky smile, as though his full set of teeth would fix everything. Unfortunately, he was right about that, and all you can manage is a huff of laughter as you shake your head.Â
âOh my. Sure, we can have a movie night,â you give in with a smile, and Jaemin lights up before pulling out his phone to text the group that the plans for tomorrow are a go. Then, your Friday night with Jaemin consisted of a large pizza, red wine, and board games.Â
That Saturday night, Jaemin came to pick you up and take you back to his apartment where the movie night was being held, insisting that Haechan could hold down fort as he came to pick you upâŠand that no boyfriend would let his girlfriend drive herself over to his place when he had a perfectly good truck and an excuse to kiss you under the porch light before joining all the guys; you told him he was an idiot, but he met that with a kiss on your cheek, claiming that you were the idiot for not taking a free kiss under the porch light with the Na JaeminâŠa low blow considering the reason behind your bruising eye.Â
When you step inside his apartment, the rest of the guys silence mid-conversation, instead turning all of their attention to you. Their shoulders drop as your black eye comes into the light. Embarrassment flushes your cheeks as you turn into Jaeminâs chest, and he wraps his arms around you lightly with a warm laugh, kissing the top of your head before turning his attention to his friends. âIâm pretty sure you guys promised me you would be chill about this if she came over,â he states playfully, causing the rest of them to drop their heads with a small laugh of their own.
âOur fault for caring about her,â Jeno banters back, and all you can do is sigh and pull away from Jaeminâs chest, facing the rest of the group again. He was right, not about it being their fault, but for the fact that their frowns just meant they cared about you, and it wasnât like you didnât feel the same way towards them - youâd frown, too if one of them walked in battered and bruised.Â
You roll your eyes playfully with a mellow shake of your head. âItâs fine. Iâm fine,â you assure, turning your gaze to Jaemin before tossing your head side to side with a small smirk. âBesides, Iâd say Jaemâs worth a punch or two.â The guys in front of you laugh but Jaemin furrows his brows.
âOr two?â He echoes worriedly, making you turn to him again with a soft, sure gaze.Â
âOne,â you promise him and watch as a bit of relief washes over his figure, nodding his head as he takes it in.Â
âUm, you guys wanna watch Transformers?â Jisung speaks up awkwardly, shattering whatever tension you and Jaemin just created and instead making everyone chuckle.Â
Mark whips his head over to Jisung. âI thought we were watching Spider-ManâŠ?â He adds sulkily. Jisungâs jaw drops, because apparently he had been looking forward to a Transformers marathon nonstop since the plans were made; but Chenle cuts off any chance of a response from him, instead just shaking his head rapidly.
âIt doesnât matter. Just choose anything before they take the pause in activity to make out,â he says as though he were horrified by the possibility, and Renjun lets out a sure laugh as he places a hand on Chenleâs shoulder.
âStill traumatized by the pda you asked for at that first lunch?â He asks, and Chenle looks at him with wide eyes.
âCan you blame me? So, theyâre in a relationshipâŠthatâs great. Slightly cringe, but whatever. You know whatâs not cringe? Spider-Man.â
âThe Transformers!â Jisung corrects adamantly, getting everyone to laugh again.
âSure, the Transformers,â Chenle agrees automatically, and Haechan rolls his eyes with a soft smile as he moves to set up the TV.Â
The eight of you got situated before another beat could pass. Mark on the recliner, Chenle and Jisung on the small couch, and then you, Jaemin, Jeno, Haechan, and Renjun taking up the big couch in the middle of the room. You cuddled easily into Jaemin as he threw an arm around your shoulder, his fingers lightly tracing patterns on the side of your arm.Â
For the group of you typically being a mess of chaos when you were all together, the eight of you somehow all followed the same unspoken rules when it came to movie night. There was no talking and, surprisingly, no one distracted by their phone. However, the peace of the perfect movie night was broken maybe twenty minutes into the first movie, when a chill ran through your body and the resulting shiver didnât go unnoticed. âDo you want a blanket, y/n?â Mark asks softly. All at once, the guys whipped their heads towards him, furrowed brows adding to their glares at his disruption. That is, until it registers for them what Mark just asked, and all their gazes soften as they draw their attention to you in wait for your answer, Haechan pausing the movie entirely.Â
You let out a laugh under your breath, shaking your head at Mark with a grateful smile. âNo, Iâm okay,â you say quickly, trying to get everyoneâs focus back on the movie because one shiver was not enough reason for concern. The guys all flash their eyebrows at your answer, immediately accepting it as they turn their attention back to the movie.Â
It isnât long though before you shiver again, and while your attempt to cover it up was stellar, it wasnât enough to get past the man holding you in his arms. Jaemin leans down so his lips are by your ear. âGo put on one of my hoodies,â he whispers slowly.
You shake your head minimally in response, eyes still trained on the Transformers. âIâm okay-â Your whispered words are cut off when the movie pauses, and you whip your head over to face Jaemin now, remote in hand and raised brows as he stares back at you seriously. A chorus of complaints erupt from the rest of the guys but Jaemin is only focused on you, and you canât do anything but let out a light sigh. âAre you sure?â You ask, and Jaeminâs brows go from raised to furrowed.
âAm I sure? Of course Iâm sure. Youâre my girlfriend. Please go dig through my closet and wear my clothes,â he replies firmly, nodding his head now in the direction of his bedroom. You dodge any further eye contact with him as you instead slip out of his arms and towards his room. You donât spend too much time in there, more than aware that they were all still waiting on you before unpausing the movie. You throw on the first hoodie you see, trying to ignore how much it smelled like him - how comforting it was to be wrapped in that scent.Â
You put on a straight face as you walk back out to the living room, though you begin to think it was unnecessary considering their reactions, or- Jaeminâs, at least. He immediately broke from the idle chatter he was having with Jeno as he instead locked his gaze on you, eyes wide and lips slightly parted. You fall shy under his gaze, looking around at the rest of the guys to see if you missed something before accepting the fact that it was just Jaemin who had the answers. âWhat?â You ask hesitantly, and it forces Jaemin to snap back to reality and collect himself.
He lets out something of a defeated laugh, shaking his head as he concludes his look up and down your body. âYou shouldâve been swimming in my hoodies for the past two months already,â he answers seriously, and suddenly your cheeks are on fire. You hide your face in your hands and the rest of the guys let fond grins paint their face at the interaction between the two of you. That was the first time it truly hit all of them that they were each about to lose $100 soon. Though it was hard for them to even be mad about it, because in everyoneâs eyes but your own, Jaemin was whipped, and that was all they ever wanted for their best friend.Â
The group got through three movies before everyone started fading, eyelids feeling heavier by the minute. Renjun was the one to turn the lamp on at the side table beside him, putting everyone on the same page as they all got up from their seats and started getting ready to leave. Chenle is the first to say his goodbyes and head for the door, but as he places his hand on the knob, he whips back around. âOh, wait!â He starts, louder than any of you were prepared for as you stare back at him in question. He shakes his head, the volume of his voice apparently even getting to him, but then he looks back at you all seriously. âIâm having my big New Yearâs Eve party again. Youâre all invited, obviously. I donât know anyoneâs plans after finals week, so I figured Iâd just tell you now before weâre all in different places - if you wind up back at NCIT by December 31st, Iâd love to have you, and if you wind up back at NCIT even earlier than that, please please please please please-âÂ
âChenle,â you all cut him off in unison, and he gives an awkward laugh.
âPlease consider helping set up,â he says flusteredly. You all let out fond chuckles as you nod your head at the boy, and he lets a wide smile grace his features before finally opening the door and leaving with a soft âthank you.âÂ
Dropping you off at your dorm, Jaemin fumbles for words before you can even open the door back to your place, and you turn around to pin all your attention on him instead as he speaks up awkwardly. âUh- about Chenleâs partyâŠâ
âYes, Iâll go. We said that would be our last day together so we might as well beâŠtogether,â you say, and Jaemin nods his head slowly.Â
âOkay; and for next weekendâŠ?â He leaves the question at that and thatâs when you realize you truly hadnât given him much to plan with yet. You shake your head with a small laugh.Â
âWeâll leave Saturday morning for my parentsâ house. I have finals up until Friday anyways. The big dinner you have to be there for is Saturday night, so you can do whatever you would like with your break after that.âÂ
Jaemin processes the information with a distant expression before pulling it into a smile. âAlright, angel. Good luck with finals next week. Iâll be ready to go Saturday morning,â he says happily, and all you can do is match his smile.
âGood luck on your finals, too-â You start, but as you move to wrap him in one last hug, you catch sight of the hoodie covering your arms and jump back. âOh! Iâm still wearing your hoodie. Sorry-â You speak in a rush as you work to try and slip out of it, but Jaemin shakes his head.
âDonât worry. Keep it,â he responds seriously, making you whip your head up at him and causing him to laugh. âIt would be really suspicious if I came back home with the hoodie that I just said you looked cute in, and Iâm not taking any chances with us so close to the three month mark now. Just donât lose itâŠitâs my favorite hoodie.âÂ
You let out a flustered laugh. âWell, are you sure you donât want it back, then? Haechan is probably asleep already-â You reason as you start pulling one arm out of the hoodie again.Â
âJust keep it,â he cuts you off with a warm chuckle before continuing more somberly. âOur three months are almost up. Iâll get it back in no time.â If the words were bitter on his tongue, you didnât notice. You were too preoccupied trying to neutralize your own emotions at the notion of this all ending soon.Â
Youâre scared your voice would betray you if you opened your mouth again to speak, so instead you just nod your head, finally wrapping him in that goodbye hug and then turning to let yourself into your dorm.Â
Finals week somehow went by in a flash, and youâre scared to add up how many hours of it you spent in Jaeminâs hoodie. Though, the atypical schedule meant that you didnât really have to worry about that - you only ever ran into Jaemin on campus for friend group lunches, and those were canceled this week since half of you would be in the middle of finals during the usual span of time; so, Jaemin never had to find out that you were practically living in the very same hoodie you had tried so hard to give back originally.Â
Come Saturday morning, that hoodie was packed with all of your other clothes in your suitcase, currently in the trunk of your car as you drive over to pick Jaemin up before heading to your house. He places his luggage next to yours before opening the passenger door and sliding in. âHey, angel! Ready to pull all this off for your parents, too?â He asks with a devious smirk. You roll your eyes, trying to buy into the playfulness to forget about the dread filling your system at the idea of heading back home right now.
âReady as Iâll ever be. Thank you again for agreeing to this,â you say seriously, and Jaemin looks at you as though you were crazy.
âOf course Iâd agree to do this. Do you realize how much youâre doing for me?â He banters back, effectively getting you to laugh a bit as the tension in your shoulders drops. âBesides,â he continues more thoughtfully. âItâll be nice to see our hometown again.â His words are much more mellow this time, and you look over at him with a sad grimace before shifting into drive and actually getting out on the road.Â
As soon as Jaemin went to college, his family moved to Jeju Island, and for as often as the two of you talked about traveling there one day, it was much less exciting of an idea when it was already Jaeminâs home base and itâd just be you traveling to visit him. Even outside of that, you knew he missed the city - moving away from everything you know is only nice if itâs your choice, and moving to Jeju was definitely not his choice.Â
Itâs not like his relationship with his parents was impacted, though. He understood, and was very appreciative of the fact that they held out on the move until he graduated high school. Truly, if they were wanting to move, this was the time to do it. Heâd graduate college and get his own place wherever he wanted; itâs just that now his place to go back to was Jeju rather than Seoul.
On the other hand, your family stayed put in the same house from childhood, but your relationship had gone through rough waters since you started college; something not even Jaemin knew, and now you were wondering how oblivious you could keep him of your current home-situation.
The verdict was ânot very long.â As soon as the two of you walked in your front door, your parents seemed shocked to be laying eyes on Jaemin with you. You push past them and towards your bedroom to put your stuff down, sending just a meek âhiâ their way. Jaemin watched you disappear with ample confusion, but his face quickly straightened up into a smile as he greeted your parents with hugs and gratitude for having him over.Â
Your mom pulls back from the hug with a look of disbelief, shaking her head solemnly. âJaemin, itâs wonderful to see you. I apologize for not having a space set up for you to stay. To be honest, when y/n said she was bringing a guest home, the last thing we were expecting was for it to be a guy,â she laughs off, and Jaeminâs eyebrows immediately furrow. Your own muscles tighten as you move to close your bedroom door, deciding that was already enough for you to hear.Â
âWhy?â Jaemin asks in return, trying to match the laugh from your mom, though his was half-hearted at best.Â
Your mom shrugs it off like itâs nothing new. âWell, you know our y/nâŠdoesn't exactly have a lot going for her-âÂ
âY/nâs gorgeous, actually,â Jaemin cuts off with force, now taking a full step back from your mom and causing her hand to drop from where it was still at his forearm. âAnd sure, she has her guard up most of the time but that doesnât change the fact that once sheâs comfortable enough to be herself, sheâs incredibly easy to love,â he continues, brows furrowed as he makes sure to get his point across.Â
Your mom passes her gaze from Jaemin to her husband, taking a moment to exchange strange smiles with him before turning back to Jaemin. âSorry, I seem to have offended you. I didnât know you cared about my daughter that much.â She speaks every word as though sheâs only half serious, and all it does is frustrate Jaemin even more.Â
âOf course I care about her but thatâs not even the point. You shouldnât be saying that about your child and you used to know that, cause you never said anything like that when we were growing up. So, I donât know what changed but I can tell you it wasnât the worth of your daughter.â Setting all your stuff down, you open your bedroom door enough to catch his last sentence and immediately let out a heavy sigh, knowing you had to go out there and do something.
âJaem?â You start, walking back out from the hallway. His face instantly changes from disgust to warmth as he snaps his head in your direction.
âYeah, angel?âÂ
You nod your head back towards where you just came from. âMy room is still the same one itâs always been. Since weâre apparently bunking together, if you want to go put your stuff in there so youâre not carrying it around throughout the house, you know where to go,â you say casually, trying to make it seem as though the sleeping arrangements were all you caught of his conversation with your mom.
Jaemin nods with a tight smile. âAlright, Iâll be back in a second,â he says, pressing a soft kiss to the top of your head as he passes you in his walk to your room and you take his place with your parents in the living room. You and your mom both watch as your dad looks between the two of you before immediately leaving to go outside, shaking his head as he does so and leaving just you, your mom, and the suffocating tension in the room.
You drop your head to face the floor and your mom is the first one to speak. âI didnât know he liked you,â she says plainly, eyes darting towards the room Jaemin was currently in before landing on you again, your head now whipped up to face her with raised brows.
âDidnât know he liked me or didnât think I was capable of having him like me?â You ask in return, and your mom falters for a moment.
âY/nâŠâ She starts, but you shake your head.
âAm I good enough now? Is this enough for you? That I brought an attractive guy home who cares about me? Are you even the tiniest bit proud of me now?â The fire in your eyes soon matches that of your motherâs, her disproving gaze that you knew so well baring into you.
âY/n, thatâs not fair and you know that,â she counters, her voice raising with every word.
Your jaw drops as you look at her in disbelief. âWhatâs not fair is you judging me by the man I do or do not have to hold my hand at any given time.â Youâre thankful when the words come out firm; youâve never stood up to her like this, and when your mom studies you with intensity, itâs as though she doesnât know the woman in front of her this time.Â
âWell,â she breathes out, bringing her gaze back to your own. âBeing with him has apparently given you some confidenceâŠor a voice, at least.â Her tone borders between indifference and slight disgust, and all you can do is shake your head, unsure of how your relationship with your mom ever turned into this.
âI refuse to believe that you find an issue in the fact that he makes me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world,â you say in almost a plea for her to tell you itâs not true, but she never does; instead, itâs just Jaeminâs breath hitching in the hallway that he tries to cover up so you wouldnât know he was listening. When neither you nor your mom turn your heads towards him, he realizes he was still under the radar. So, he prepares himself to walk back into the living room as though he just got done putting everything away in yours.
When he gets back by your side, he lightly kisses your temple, turning to face your mom as he sneaks a hand to rest on the small of your back; your mom stares at the physical contact and you think her eye actually twitches. Jaemin opens his mouth to start casual conversation back up but your mom cuts him off before he can even begin. âYour father and I are going out for the day. We will be back to cook dinner,â she states, and your eyebrows furrow immediately.
âYou havenât seen Jaemin in years and youâre just gonna leave right when he gets here?â You ask in shock, and your mom glares back at you.
âDinner,â she replies sharply, and then sheâs out the door.Â
Jaeminâs hand on your back begins to rub lightly up and down, and as you turn to bury your face in his chest, he wraps you in a full hug. âIâm sorry,â you mumble out, and Jaemin shakes his head. With one hand, he lightly guides your chin up so that you make eye contact with him, a soft smile on his face as he looks down at you.Â
âNothing to be sorry for, angel. Itâs all okay. How about we just watch TV or something, go outside maybeâŠwhatâs gonna destress you?â He asks, his hand that was underneath your chin maneuvering to instead caress your cheek.Â
You shrug, doing your best to dodge eye contact as you reply. âAnything in your presence,â you say seriously, missing the way warmth just reached every corner of Jaeminâs being at your words.Â
âOkay,â he responds surely, and thatâs how you found yourself walking the streets of your hometown, hand-in-hand with Na Jaemin. You visited his old house, the old playground, anywhere you could before the cold air finally caught up to you and you had to retreat back inside for some hot chocolate and more Harry Potter from your last unfinished rewatch session.Â
Jaemin never brought up the obvious tension between you and your mom, something you were thankful for, but it also left you feeling guilty because you knew it was on his mind - the equation of where things went wrong between you and your mom after he left Seoul was continuously being worked out behind his eyes. When you explained this part of the fake-dating contract, he wasnât expecting for your parents to actually be on your ass about not dating anyone, but stepping into this house was like a minefield, and any conversation around the topic turned into an explosion.
He wasnât gonna make you talk about it though, you obviously werenât ready to. Instead, he just wrapped his arms around you as best he could, making sure you and your cocoa were always kept warm throughout the duration of your latest movie marathon.Â
Surprising you, when it was finally dinnertime, the atmosphere was lighter by the tiniest bit. Your parents were engaging with Jaemin, at least, and the presence of other long-time family friends put you at ease, too, because you knew a big fiasco is the last thing your parents would allow to happen in front of others.Â
âAre you staying with us all of break?â Your mom asks as she puts her fork down and places all of her attention on Jaemin. He gives a sorry grin in return as he shakes his head.
âNo,â he begins, and your face immediately drops, forcing you to take another bite so itâs less noticeable. âI was thinking I would surprise my parents. I havenât seen them since the summer, and I figure that means itâs time to fly out and see them again,â he continues with a light laugh. âThough, when y/n asked me to come back with her for this dinner, I- well,â he drags off, taking a moment to turn and face you at his side, a fond smirk on his lips before he turns his head back to face his lap before you can notice. âI realize Iâve gotten incredibly bad at saying ânoâ to her,â he finishes, his own light chuckle following his words.
Gazes soften all around the table as they listen to Jaemin, but you canât bring your head up to look at him, sure the look in your eyes would give away how desperately you were wishing for those words to be real.
Your dad is the one to pick up the conversation again. âWell, weâll be sad to see you go so soon, but itâs sure been a pleasure having you fill our house again,â he says with a tight nod that Jaemin reflects back to him, slightly softer in his perfect Jaemin way.Â
That night, you and Jaemin went to bed before the rest of the adults did, but they had the advantage of alcohol to keep them occupied, and while that option was technically open to you and Jaemin, you both decided it would probably be best to stay under the label of âinnocent youthâ with your parents and family friends.
You walk back into your bedroom after washing your face and putting on pajamas to see Jaemin already laying down. You trace his outline underneath the covers and sigh when you realize how little room was left in your full size bed. You slip under the covers and begin to turn on your side so you could take up the smallest space possible, but Jaemin evidently has other plans as he reaches over and pulls you so that youâre laying against his chest. âWhat are you doing?â You ask, propping your head up on his chest as you stare at him in confusion.Â
He looks back at you as though there were no need for the question, his smirk playing lazily against his lips. âIf youâre going to end up on top of me anyways, Iâd rather just hold you there,â he replies, and all at once youâre vividly reminded of Halloween night. You donât argue back, instead just rolling your eyes and resting your head back against his chest as you try to hide most of the blush on your cheeks.Â
Jaemin idly draws shapes on your back as he watches you fall asleep on him. He swallows awkwardly, remembering what your mother said about youâŠwhat you said to your mother, and a kind of frustration fills his chest. He listens for any signal that you were still awake, and when he finds none, he presses the lightest kiss to the top of your head. âYouâre so beautiful, y/n,â he whispers. His mortification comes when he feels you tense under his hold.
âYou donât have to pretend when itâs just us, you know,â you whisper back, and his heart breaks in his chest. His tone is firm as he replies, because if you were going to be awake to hear him say that, he might as well get his point across.Â
âSome stuff I never had to pretend for. Some stuff is just a fact.â
You let out a heavy sigh, flipping which way your head was facing on his chest before speaking softly. âGo to bed, Jaemin,â you say, and he doesnât quite know what to do with the feeling of defeat that arose knowing you donât believe him. He thinks about saying more but he figures now is not the time for itâŠthat in your friendship, it may not ever be the time for it. So, he lets out his own light sigh, his grip around you going slightly tighter as he gets to work on actually falling asleep.Â
The next day, all you really had time for was breakfast before you had to drive Jaemin to the airport. As you pull up to the curb for departures, Jaemin doesnât even think twice before leaning over the center console to press a soft kiss to your cheek. âThank you for dropping me off,â he says sincerely amidst the rustling of him gathering his bags from various spaces of your car. You laugh as you open your own door, sliding around to the back of your car to pop the trunk and grab his suitcase.
âIâm coming inside with you, you know?â You tease lightly, missing the way Jaeminâs eyes soften at the care before he quickly vetoes your carrying of his luggage and rips his suitcase from your grip, causing you to laugh some more as you turn to face him now at your side. âBut, of course, it was no problem,â you say genuinely, stepping inside the airport with him and too quickly facing the security checkpoint where youâd finally have to split. âHave a safe flight,â you continue, and with each word heâs now taking a step further than you dare to. âTell your family I said âhi.ââÂ
Jaemin looks over his shoulder to smile back at you. âI will,â he promises firmly with a matching nod, and you throw a grin and final wave his way as he turns back to actually face where he was walking towards the entrance for security. As soon as youâre out of his line of sight, you allow your face to drop slightly alongside your gaze, letting out a light sigh at the feeling of him walking away from you. However, your attention is caught by the increasingly loud sound of heavy footsteps. You shift your gaze back in front of you to see Jaemin had changed his path and was instead heading straight for you again.Â
âJaemin-?â You question, but youâre cut off the second he gets close to you because he wastes no time in dropping his bags, cupping your cheek with his hand, and pressing a sure kiss to your lips. You melted right into it, something you would have to kick yourself for later, but at the present moment, all you could think about was his soft lips still lingering against yours.
âIâll see you in a week, okay?â He says in a near-whisper. His words werenât so much a statement as they were a reassurance, like he needed you to know that all you had to bear without him was a single week, like he intended to never leave you again once he came back. All you can do is swallow awkwardly, nodding as you look up at him through your lashes.Â
âYeah.âÂ
Jaeminâs gaze roamed over your entire figure as best it could with the two of you still in close proximity. You wanted to press up on your tiptoes and kiss him again for the hell of it, or maybe for the comfort of it, but Jaemin is the one to take action first, simply running his thumb gently across your cheek with a small smile before immediately turning to grab his bags and actually make his way through the security checkpoint. All you can do is stand and watch helplessly as he walks away from you. Youâd see him in a week, sure, but then itâd be New Years before you knew it and all of this would slip right out of your handsâŠit practically already had.Â
You were back at NCIT before Christmas, trading in family-time for time with Chenle, who was the only other one of your friends on campus for most of that duration. He tried to pretend that he needed to meet up with you to talk about plans for his New Yearâs Eve party, but most of it was just excuses to hang out when he got lonely. One by one, the guys all made their way back to NCIT, Jaemin being the last to do so, coming in on the evening flight December 26th.Â
You had brought Chenle with you to go pick him up, mainly because Chenle begged you to let him tag along. The two of you stood at the baggage claim for maybe fifteen minutes, Jaeminâs hoodie adorning your figure and providing you with comfort amidst Chenleâs constant nagging that you guys should have brought a sign saying that Jaemin was coming back from prison or something else more embarrassing.Â
The baggage claim carousel had already begun spinning for Jaeminâs flight, and eventually even Chenle stops talking to instead join you in a frown as the two of you search for Jaemin. The verdict was that he must have just been the last person off the plane, because around five minutes later, you catch sight of his figure. âThere he is- whatâs he doing?â You ask confused as you look at Jaemin speed in your direction.
âRunning towards you,â Chenle answers as if it were the most casual occurrence ever. He tosses his gaze over to you with raised eyebrows before continuing. âAnd I think you should probably start running towards him unless youâre prepared to catch his weight, cause Iâm pretty sure heâs ready to jump on you.âÂ
Your eyes go wide at his words as you shake your head. âGod, having a lunatic boyfriend is a lot of work,â you respond, feigning exhaustion. Chenle throws his arms up in defense.
âHey, you chose him, not me,â he quips, making you smile before realizing you really had to start on your run towards him, because of all the things you were prepared for, catching Jaeminâs weight was not one of them.
You take off from where you and Chenle were standing, running up and meeting Jaemin somewhere in the middle as he lets go of his carry-on and puts his arms out for you. âJaem!â You exclaim, jumping into his arms and wrapping around him like a koala.
âAngel!â He replies just as enthusiastically; hugging you tightly and spinning around once with the momentum.
âChenleâs here so you have to kiss me,â you whisper in a rush, cupping his cheek with your hand as Jaemin steadies himself again.
He lets out a genuine laugh, catching your gaze with the brightest of smiles in his eyes. âWell, I wasnât gonna run all this way towards you for nothing,â he says surely. Then he presses his lips to yours, and the resulting warmth in your body shouldâve made the snow outside impossible.Â
Jaemin breaks away from you when he feels a tug on his shirt sleeve, and the two of you turn to make eye contact with Chenle. âYouâre being cringe now, can you please take me home?â He asks plainly, making you and Jaemin laugh as he puts you down on the solid ground again, slipping his hand in yours as the next best option. Then, after making sure Jaemin had all of his things, the three of you were on the road back to NCIT. Â
The next day, Jaemin and the guys went out for lunch, one you werenât invited to because it was one you âcouldnât know about.â Sitting around the table in a perfect reflection of the start of the semester, the guys around Jaemin all wore a mixture of looks on their faces, ranging from impressed to sulkyâŠthough that last one was only Chenle, who despite having the most money in the group, hated giving it out.Â
Mark is the one to finally address the reason they were all there. âWell, you did it. Iâm sure we donât need to be the ones to tell you that youâve been dating y/n for three whole months now,â he says with a light laugh. Jaemin canât bring himself to join in on the smiles and playfulness around the table.
âI canât believe itâs been three months already,â he says hollowly, but both his tone and the distant look in his eyes go unnoticed by his friends, their tunnel vision on their childish bet covering over Jaeminâs anguish at winning.Â
âHereâs your $600,â Haechan says after having collected everyoneâs shares from around the table. âCan't wait to have a new PS5 in our apartment,â he quips, but Jaemin whips his head up at him, grabbing the $600 from his hands defensively.Â
âIâm not spending it on a PS5âŠâ He begins, dragging off as the fire dies from his tone and he returns to a contemplative state of being. âIâm gonna buy y/n something nice.â
Gasps are heard from quite literally everyone else at the table, all of them looking at Jaemin with wide eyes. âReally?â Jeno asks in disbelief, and Jaemin makes passing eye contact with all of his friends, giving them all odd looks for being so caught off guard.
âYes, really. Sheâs the best thing to ever happen to me, and I donât know how to give her the world, but I can at least get her the best that $600 will buy,â he explains surely, and the rest of the guys all exchange glances with each other before turning back to him, Renjun being the one to take a jab this time through a hesitant laugh.
âAre we still talking to Na Jaemin?â He asks, making the rest of the guys laugh as well. Jaemin just lets out a sigh, finally able to find a bit of humor as well as he shakes his head, tucking the money away and turning the afternoon into a regular lunch hang out.Â
Two days later, you get a call from Jaemin sometime after dinner.
âAngel?â He says softly once you pick up, his tone making you smile on the other end.
âYeah, handsome?â You respond warmly.Â
âWanna go on a drive?â Jaemin asks, giving away no hints as to his current state of emotions, and your eyebrows furrow as you pry more.
âNo destination?â You ask, and Jaemin shakes his head, not that you were able to see it anyways. His response is sharp.
âNo.â
âEverything okay?â You question, the warmth in your tone turning into concern.
âYeah,â Jaemin responds immediately. You let a beat pass in silence and itâs enough for Jaemin to want to fill it again on his own. âJust want some more time with you,â he explains shyly, and you let out a small breath of laughter as you oblige.Â
âLet me get my shoes on.â
âIâll be there to pick you up in five,â he replies firmly before immediately hanging up.Â
True to his word, it only took five minutes before youâre opening the door to Jaemin. âHey,â he says as soon as you make eye contact, leaning down to press a quick kiss to your cheek.
âHey,â you reply, your face hurting as you try not to smile too widely at his actions. Jaemin wouldnât have noticed if you did, though, because he immediately turns to face the floor sheepishly.Â
âSorry if you were in the middle of something,â he finally says, making you furrow your brows at him - this wasnât a Jaemin you were used to.
âNothing that couldnât wait,â you assure him before prying some more. âWhatâs up?â
Jaemin pulls his bottom lip between his teeth as he shakes his head hesitantly. âNothing. Itâs just our last few days together. Figured we could hang out before you go off and get an actual boyfriend and I-â You watch as he fumbles for words, eventually giving up with a shrug as he finally makes eye contact with you again. âGo back to doing whatever it is I do.â
His answer doesnât relieve you of any worry, and you move a hand up to cup his cheek as you tilt your head in study of him. âAre you sure youâre okay?âÂ
Jaemin nods his head slightly against your hand, a fond smile at your touch replacing the distant expression he previously held. âThereâs just a lot on my mind. Nothing for you to worry about. Just wanted to hang out with you and kind of escape it all for a bit,â he explains casually, eventually bringing both hands up to guide your own back down from his face, idly playing with your fingers as he asks his next question. âDo you still like cloud watching?â
âYou know I do,â you reply with a laugh, and Jaemin finally bares his teeth as he smiles back at you. He checks to make sure you actually did put your shoes on already before switching his grip so that he was just holding your hand as he walked the two of you to his truck.
You ended up at one of those nature parks, where the fields are preserved for fields-sake rather than playgrounds. The two of you got out and made your way around to the tailgate of his truck and you register that he already had blankets and pillows in the back, completely reminiscent of high school.Â
You both sat in silence for a while, staring up at the sky and giving yourselves a chance to be at peace, at least somewhere away from the false sense of urgency that always seemed to be around. Eventually, you move your gaze from the clouds above to where your arms were wrapped around your knees, debating with yourself before finally breaking the silence.
âJaem?â You call softly, and he turns all of his attention towards you.
âYeah, angel?â He replies in much the same manner. You dart your tongue out to lick your lips, anything you could do to prolong your question - which you were currently thinking shouldâve lost in your inner debate.
You finally let out a sigh, still focused in front of you as you talk. âYou know youâre much more than the image youâve picked up around campus, right?âÂ
Jaeminâs face immediately whips back to the front so there would be no chance of making eye contact with you. âUmâŠâ He begins, but that was the only word he could come up with before forfeiting with an awkward swallow. You know that means itâs up to you to continue.
âI know that day I first met your friend group, you had to make up a ton of stuff on how we got together and everything, but I donât know if you were necessarily lying when you were talking about how I deserve better than getting tied into your fuckboy image. I just- wanna make sure you know, in case that has ever been your thought process for anyone youâve had a crush on, that thereâs so many more sides to you than that. An image is an image, okay? Donât let it get to you.â Your courage is built with every word and you finally turn to face Jaemin as you continue softly, surely. âThey donât know you like I do.â
Jaeminâs lips part with a heavy exhale before he rolls them inwards in hesitation. âDo you mean it?â He finally asks, and thereâs just a trace of sadness riddling his voice.
âOf course I do,â you say firmly, and Jaemin takes in your answer with a slow nod.
âItâs been hard. I-â He grimaces before letting out an awkward laugh. âOh, this is kind of weird to talk about with you,â he continues, making you laugh, too as the atmosphere lightens.
âWhatever,â you say, rolling your eyes playfully. âItâs me.â
Surprisingly, that seemed to do it, because the tension in Jaeminâs shoulders falls as he lets out a light sigh and finally finds his words for what seemed to be the first time that night. âI used to not care. If they wanted to label me as a fuckboy, that was fine. Truthfully, if I was getting my dick wet, I was good-â He cuts himself off at the sound of a slightly louder exhale than normal from you, and he whips his head your way with a pout. âDonât laugh, Iâm being vulnerable.â
You stare back at him with a fond smile on your face and raised brows. âIâm not laughing,â you assure, and Jaemin turns to face his knees again as he accepts your denial of the claim without a fight. Then he starts back up with his explanation, his tone heavy and contemplative.
âLately though, Iâve just been thinking I want so much more out of life. But, I spent so long under the fuckboy label I didnât know if I would ever be able to break free from it, if I could ever be more.â
Your gaze on him softens but your eyebrows furrow; there was something so weird about knowing heâs never viewed himself in the way you do. âNa Jaemin, youâve always been more,â you respond firmly. The lightest of exhales escapes as laughter from Jaemin, and he lets a weak smile play at his lips before responding.Â
âAnd youâve always felt like homeâŠâ He says, matching your tone as he finally turns to look at you again. âThatâs another thing I wasnât lying about that day.âÂ
You immediately dodge eye contact, knowing itâd reveal to him in milliseconds your real emotions towards all of thisâŠtowards him. Probably against your better judgement as well, you lean into him at your side, resting your head against his shoulder. âFor what itâs worth, Iâve had a nice three months with you,â you say, your own weak grin making an appearance.
âYeah,â he agrees, wrapping his arm around you casually. âIt hasnât been too bad, has it?â
There it was, the reason you needed to snap out of it, because for Jaemin, it just wasnât âtoo bad,â and meanwhile youâve been over the moon these past three months. Youâd come to your senses eventually - remember that âbreaking upâ was the plan all along, that the last thing Jaemin wanted was to be in an actual relationship, and that you were going to have to be as okay with that as ever. However, for now, you figured youâd just lean into him a bit more while you still can.Â
The next day saw all eight of you at Chenleâs place, helping him decorate and prepare for the big party, and then it was New Yearâs Eve. Only you and Jaemin knew that it was your last night together before the âbreak up;â and neither of you knew that the other didnât want it to ever end, meaning when you placed Jaeminâs hoodie in his backseat as a way to return it before the party, you didnât know the idea of giving it back nauseated him possibly more than it did you. As such, the air was tense and awkward between the two of you, trying to keep hidden how devastated you knew you were going to be at the end of the night, and too dumb to realize the best thing you could do is talk about it.Â
Hand-in-hand with Jaemin, the two of you join the rest of your friend group, already standing around in a circle somewhere on the outskirts of the set up dance floor. They greet the two of you with bright smiles, none of them plagued with the knowledge that their favorite relationship was ending tonight. However, with the eight of you chatting about anything imaginable, the night became incredibly casual, despite the overwhelming amount of people flooding in around you all.
Eventually, the group divides up, deciding a range of different activities sounded best for the time being. You ended up with Chenle and Jisung, the three of you indulging in the indoor sâmores kit that was set up. Jaemin never moved from where the big group of you originally were. Instead, he let the crowd all pass around him as he stayed focused on you, gaze aimed in your direction with a fond smile as he watched you interact with his friends.
The only thing to break him from his staring is when Mark taps him on the shoulder and hands him a cup of water. âMan, I hope you know youâve turned into a completely different person,â he says as he does so, making Jaemin furrow his brows in question; though Mark shakes his head as though it were no big thing. âYou got this glow about you that scares me, and the look in your eyes when youâre staring at herâŠI didnât think Iâd ever see that from you - you know, being so against relationships and everything,â he ends with a light laugh.
Jaemin drops his head, his own laugh escaping his lips. âItâs just what happens when youâve found your person, I guess,â he replies seriously. âI mean, to me?â He begins, finally looking up at Mark in sincerity before throwing his gaze your way. âFor her?â He shakes his head, his smile turning into a dumb grin on his face as he finally admits to whatâs been on his mind for three months. âEverythingâs worth it. All the risk, all the effort, Iâd do anything for her.â He looks your way once more before his gaze turns distant and he lets a grimace slip across his features. âIt just took being with her to make me realizeâŠI want to believe in love,â he finally says, meeting Markâs eyes once again.Â
Markâs smile was painted widely across his face, though he stared at his best friend in something like disbelief. âWant to believe it? Jaemin, youâre in it,â he says firmly, and Jaemin immediately lets his gaze fall to his feet as he lets out a heavy sigh.
âItâs less scary than I thought itâd be,â he finally says, and Markâs smile turns fond as he gets a glimpse at how his best friend operates. He puts on his best voice of comfort as he replies.
âYou said it yourself, itâs what happens when youâve found your person. You should tell her,â he says, tossing his head in your direction casually, but Jaeminâs muscles tense up.
âNo, I canât,â he says in a rush, and Mark lets out a laugh.
âFrom the one who says he isnât scared,â he teases, but Jaemin shakes his head - it wasnât that.
âI- itâs a weird situation,â he says, letting out a huff with his bad explanation. âI canât tell her. Not tonight, anywaysâŠshe wonât want to hear that from me,â he concludes, dragging off miserably. Markâs face completely flips as he stares at Jaemin quizzically.Â
âBut- she looks at you the same way, you know?â He says surely, but Jaemin shakes his head again.
âNo, thatâs just how she looks at me. Even when we were in high school.â He takes a moment to pause, tongue darting out to wet his suddenly dry lips before continuing with conviction. âNo, she doesnât love me. Not like this,â he says, and then heâs walking away, leaving a very confused Mark standing there with parted lips.
â...I thought sheâs liked you since high school,â he says under his breath now that he knew there was no way Jaemin would hear anyways. He looks between you and Jaemin before shaking his head - the last thing he needed on New Yearâs Eve was to engage in overthinking.
You had just broken away from where you were talking with Chenle and Jisung to instead make your way over to the punch table. Grabbing yourself a glass, when arms wrap around you in a hug from behind, you know the only person it could be. âHey, handsome,â you say with a smile, turning your head to the side to try and lay eyes on him.
âHi, angel,â Jaemin replies, taking the opportunity to place a small kiss on your cheek before continuing. âAre we kissing at midnight or are we ending things before then? Iâm not sure if you want to start the new year with me or not.â His tone borders on defeat, and you turn around in his arms to stare at him with raised eyebrows and a playful smirk.
âIâll be your new year's kiss if youâll be mine,â you reply, and Jaemin lets out a small chuckle. âBesides,â you continue more seriously. âEnding this doesnât mean you arenât still my best friend. Youâll be a part of my new year no matter what. We can kiss and just pretend that was our way to say âbyeâ to dating, cause you know, I guess it will be.â For a moment that you always knew was coming, admitting its near occurrence now felt like you just had the wind knocked out of you. Jaemin just stares down at you with a wide grin, nodding his head along to your words in approval.Â
âAlright best friend, then Iâll make sure to find you again before midnight,â he replies, the entire thing making you swallow awkwardly as you nod your head back at him slightly.
âYeahâŠâ You respond in something like a whisper, and with one light kiss on your forehead, Jaemin vanishes again into the crowd.Â
The rest of the New Years party was a blast, no doubt, but the knowledge of what was coming, or more so ending, plagued your thoughts and eventually you just needed to slip away from the rest of the noise. You ended up on the balcony attached to some random bedroom, the cool air something of a relief for your current state.
The only pull back into reality was when the ever-present loudness turned into synchronized cheers, and you catch as the entire party starts counting down from fifteen seconds. You whip around to start on your rushed journey back inside, realizing you never told Jaemin where you would be; but as you turn, you make eye contact with him, just stepping onto the balcony himself, an easy smile crossing his features. âNo need to rush. I told you Iâd find you before midnight,â he says with a light laugh, and you drop your head with a small exhale as your own form of laughter. âReady to say âbyeâ to all this pretending?â He asks, stepping up to where he was directly in front of you.
No. âYep,â you respond with the best fake smile you could. You already made it this far with no problems, you refused to let it slip that your heart was fully in this right when it was about to end.Â
Jaemin matched your smile, and as the crowdâs counting reached the â3, 2, 1,â his hand came up to find its favorite spot at your cheek again. Then he leaned in and kissed you right as the party erupted with cheers of âHappy New Year.âÂ
Your hands gripped tightly at his shirt, keeping you steady and keeping him close to you; though he wasnât necessarily going anywhere with one hand cupping your cheek and the other placed firmly on your waist. Unlike any of your other kisses, this oneâŠlingered. The two of you kept steady pace with each other, you gently sucking on his bottom lip and figuring for as long as heâd let this go on, you would take it for all it was worth, trying to pretend you could ever kiss him enough for a lifetime.Â
When you think heâs breaking away, youâre instead met with the feeling of his tongue running across your top lip, asking for permission - permission all too easily granted by you as you open your mouth to let him explore. Your New Year's kiss turned into a greedy make out session, which was probably the last thing you were expecting, but you couldnât take the time to question it because you were too busy drowning in his taste. You loved the taste of Jaemin on your tongue, and his own soft moan - which he tried so desperately to cover up but that you still very much heard, let you know he was currently feeling the same way; and youâd mark that down as a tiny win in the midst of the huge loss you were about to incur.Â
Against your better judgement, you finally break away when you truly couldnât breathe anymore, and Jaemin rests his forehead against yours. The air was just filled with the sound of panting as the two of you tried to catch your breaths. You swallow awkwardly once you do, taking a small step back as you process what just happened, Jaeminâs hand running down your body until you were no longer in reach. âYouâre awfully good at âgoodbye,ââ you say in between breaths.
Jaemin immediately dodges your gaze, facing somewhere off to the side as his adam's apple bobs up and down. âIâve had a lot of practice,â he responds quietly, to the point where you were practically just reading his lips, and then heâs gone, leaving you alone on the balcony to deal with your flooding emotions on your ownâŠnot that you could do so in his presence anyways.Â
You hated that it hurt this much - that a goodbye you knew was coming still seemed to blindside you. You had allowed your heart to indulge in his every romantic gesture, and while on the surface you knew they meant nothing, you held onto hope in some deep dark corner of your heart that maybe it wasnât all just pretend; and yet here you were, grouped in with the vast category of girls heâs said âgoodbyeâ to in the way he knew all too well. You were his best friend but you were no one special, and you didnât expect the resurgence of a fact that you already knew to affect you as much as it did - to make it feel as though you had been hollowed out, bones chilled from the empty space your soul used to occupy.Â
You and Jaemin werenât in contact the entire first day of the new year, though you couldnât complain because talking to him right away was not something you figured your heart could handle. Instead, you went to work out at the gym and run errands and all those other things people do when theyâre single and making a point to say theyâre okay with that. To be fair, it kind of worked. Not that you were okay with whatever you and Jaemin had gotten yourselves into coming to an end, but that day of productivity and endorphin-inducing activity helped you ground yourself - these past three months were you helping out your best friend, that was all it was ever supposed to be.Â
The next day was far less productive, but you were still functioning like normal. The only disruption from your typical daily routine came with a phone call from Haechan. As soon as you pick up, he starts speaking.
âWhy did you go and break Jaeminâs heart all of the sudden?â He asks angrily.
You furrow your brows, though it wasnât like he could see it anyways. âWhat do you mean? The breakup was mutual,â you counter in confusion, and Haechan lets out an actual âHAâ in disbelief before he replies with animosity.
âI need to know what the hell your definition of âmutualâ is because Jaemin hasnât stopped crying for the past twenty-four hours.âÂ
You think heâs kidding, like this is one last stupid test of whether your relationship ever added up - but you shake the idea away, he already got the money, it was a week past three months, there wasnât anything for you to mess up now, the story youâve been telling would work as it always had. âCrying? What? We both agreed we worked better as friends,â you reply instantly, confusion adequately painting your voice.Â
Haechan cannot believe his ears, and he makes sure to let you know so. For as much as you were confused, he didnât understand why you were acting this way, ten fold. âNo, I donât believe you at all now. He wouldnât agree on that. I donât know how Jaemin talked to you, but he talked about you as though heâs never held anyoneâs hand before until he held yours. Y/n, it was like you were the one to put every star in his night sky, I swear thereâs no way this breakup was mutual.â Your whole world stops and you go speechless on the other end. Haechan was being dead serious, or else he wouldnât be angry, he wouldnât be pushing the subject. His words turn over and over again in your head. Jaemin talked about you, evidently when you werenât around. You were fake-dating and yet Jaemin went out of his way to speak of you fondly to his friends. Jaemin, who never saw the point of getting romantically attached like that, doing more than what was needed in expressing his feelings about you. You push down the feeling of nausea and instead let out a deep sigh.
âIâll be over in five minutes,â you say quietly, and then you hang up the phone before ever getting a reply from Haechan.
You race over to their apartment, and before you could even knock, Haechan is swinging the door open for you. The two of you make eye contact and about a million emotions pass between you, but it was easiest to pick up on the uncertainty. Haechan opens his mouth as if heâs about to bombard you with questions, or maybe yell at you againâŠyou werenât sure, but instead he just lets out a breath, nodding his head back in the direction of Jaeminâs room with a soft, âin there.âÂ
You throw a thankful smile his way, not that you were necessarily guessing at where Jaemin could be, but you were very grateful he was letting you off so easily. Even by looking at Haechan, you could tell Jaemin had truly been crying for the past twenty-four hoursâŠHaechan looked exhausted.Â
You lightly tap on the door of Jaeminâs room before entering, breath hitching as you lay eyes on his figure, curled up in a ball and clad in his favorite hoodie that you had given back - the hoodie he now knew you had lived in for the past few weeks because he already caught your own scent on it. Tears raced down his face, and he immediately turned away from you to hide them as he squeaked out choked words.
âPlease go away,â he says, and reality hits you all at once. It wasnât like you thought Haechan was lying, but now you truly had to face the fact that you were the cause of Jaeminâs tears; he wanted you to go away.Â
âJaemin, Iâm not going anywhere,â you say softly, shaking your head to emphasize the point. Though, as you do so, your gaze catches onto a gift bag on his dresser, a label with your name written on it in his stupid perfect handwriting.Â
You walk up to it, swallowing hesitantly as you turn your attention from the bag to Jaemin and back again. âWhat is this?â You finally ask. Jaemin shoots his gaze your way, not having previously realized what had caught your intrigue.
âPlease donât-â He rushes to say, but in the pause, you had already pulled out a diamond necklace, holding it gently between your shaking hands. You shake your head, eyes wide and jaw dropped as youâre unable to form a coherent thought. You turn back around to face him, your gaze darting every which way because youâre not sure you can confidently hold eye contact with him.
âJaemin, what-? Why is this in a gift bag labeled for me-? When did you-?â
He cuts you off, visibly annoyed. âItâs what I used the bet money on. Now please go away,â he demands more firmly, but you wouldnât be able to follow through on it even if you wanted to, because as you process his words, you lose the ability to move.Â
âYou spent the $600 on this?â You ask in disbelief, turning your attention fully towards him to try and find any cue that he was lying. âOn me?âÂ
Jaemin turns his head to the side, and you watch as his adamâs apple bobs up and down with an awkward swallow. When he finally answers, his voice has lost its tension, his words instead coming out as though he were ashamed. â$700,â he corrects. âI didnât want it to feel like I was just gifting you something from the guys.â
You think youâve gone crazy, or maybe Jaemin has, but all you can do is stare at him in disbelief. âI-â
He quickly finds his fire again, apparently having had enough embarrassment for a lifetime in those few seconds. âPlease leave,â he spits out. He dares look up to make eye contact with you before immediately regretting his decision and staring back down at his bed again, wiping more stray tears from his eyes as he fumbles out his next words. âYou can take the necklace if you want but just- please leave.â
âJaem-â You say softly before he can cut you off.
âWhat?!â He quips, though when he shoots his gaze back to you in irritation, he realizes youâre no longer standing at his dresser, but sitting at the edge of his bed with him. Your fingers barren of the necklace, you instead occupy one hand by placing it on top of his own.
âYou couldâve told me you fell for me, too,â you say seriously, and Jaemin stops breathing for a moment as he looks up at you with wide teary eyes.
âToo?â He echoes weakly, and all you can do is give a tight smile, moving a hand up to wipe under his eyes as you try to hold back your own tears.
âI refuse to believe I played off my huge crush on you since high school that well.â You reply with a hoarse laugh.
Jaemin finally recovers his ability to breathe as he lets out a heavy exhale. âYou like me?â He asks through tears, and you finally break, having to wipe your own stupid tears off your face before nodding at him with an embarrassed smile.
âI always have. Why do you think I made all those stupid rules to try and make sure we acted like a couple as little as possible?â A bittersweet laugh gets caught in your throat as you think back on it. âIf I had to listen to you call me cute names all the time, I wouldnât have survived knowing it was eventually going to end,â you continue seriously.
Jaeminâs finally able to let out a bashful smile and sorry laugh. â...I called you cute names all the time anyways.â
You nod your head with a fond smile. âI know.â
âI couldnât help it,â he explains as more tears rush down his face, though this time, theyâre at least sliding down next to an embarrassed grin.Â
You look at him with playful raised eyebrows. âJust like how you couldnât help it when you kissed me every time you saw me? Or looked over at me super fondly?â
Jaemin softens as his eyes trace over your figure, the distant look in his gaze letting you know his mind was rather preoccupied with reliving the past three months. âExactly like that,â he says lowly, and you let out a breath, forcing your gaze away from Jaemin as you instead focus on the way your fingers were idly fidgeting with each other.
âGod, Jaem. Iâm sorry. I shouldâve realized-â You speak apologetically but Jaemin cuts you off again.
âNo, I shouldâve communicated. WellâŠâ He lets another soft laugh leave his system, the tears finally drying on his face as he works towards fully collecting himself. âI shouldâve communicated when you knew I was serious.â
You smile at his words, shaking your head again as you relive every moment of the fake relationship. âI didnât even know you had time to catch feelings for me,â you begin with something like wonder in your tone. âI mean- werenât you still hooking up with-â
When Jaemin cuts you off this time, itâs with the most flustered of cheeks and the weakest of laughs. âUm, about thatâŠthe very first girl I hooked up with after we added that rule-â He shakes his head with a small smile as he corrects himself. âWell, I say thatâŠshe was also the last girl I hooked up with.â Your eyebrows furrow slightly as you process the information, but Jaemin doesnât give you much time to do so before throwing in another wrench. âI uh- accidentally moaned your name.â
Your head whips in his direction, your wide eyes straining against your dropped jaw. âJaemin! You did not!â
âWhy would I make that up?!â He quips back with a hearty laugh. You move a hand over your gaping mouth, unsure at what exactly you were supposed to do with this news. You shake your head in disbelief.
âOh my god, what did she do?â You ask, curiosity dripping from your voice. Jaemin bites on the inside of his cheek before giving in again with a light sigh.
âWell, we immediately stopped because we were both mortified, I think. She said something about how I obviously had to go figure some things out, to which I agreed, but for different reasons than she thoughtâŠâ He drags off a bit but instead just shakes his head and goes in a different direction. âI practically begged her not to say anything about it, but she laughed and said I was crazy if I thought she was going to tell that story and humiliate herself,â he finishes with a small chuckle, and you just stare at him with no less shock than before.
âI canât believe this,â you manage to get out playfully.Â
Jaemin flashes his eyebrows in acknowledgement before his eyes light up and he rushes through more words. âOh! The best part is, a week or so later, she saw us holding hands in public and texted me saying that sheâs rooting for us,â he recalls with a shiteating grin.Â
âStop!â You get out, the idea of it damn near killing you. Though, before you can end up dying of laughter with Jaemin, another piece of information fits itself into the puzzle and you come back to your senses in seriousness.
âWait wait wait,â you begin, focusing your gaze fully on Jaemin again. âSo, youâve been celibate for likeâŠthree months now?â You ask in shock. Jaemin isnât even the tiniest bit regretful as he responds with a shrug, his sincere gaze meeting your own.
âI only wanted you. Wasnât going to waste mine or anyone elseâs time pretending any different.â
Your gaze softens immediately as a fond smile plays against your features. âJaemâŠâ You arenât necessarily sure where you were going from there, but Jaemin picks it up anyways with a small shake of his head; his own weak smile making an appearance again as he recounts those first few moments.
âYou kissed me that first day and I assumed I was fucked,â he explains casually. âEverything felt like it changed, and not because it was affection but because it was you.â His cheeks puff out again with a bigger grin as he continues. âThen I had that slip up and I knew I was fucked. Couldnât get you out of my head for even a moment. It was starting to drive me crazy how much I wanted to make you happy.â
His eyes meet yours again as he finishes, and you search them for answers you knew you would have to ask for. âA good crazy?â You question hesitantly, but Jaemin is quick to shut down any worries.
âThe best,â he assures, moving his hands so that he could interlace them with yours. He moves his gaze from your physical contact back up to your face before continuing seriously. âI love you, y/n.âÂ
You swallow hard, trying to not let any more tears run down your face, albeit happy tears werenât so bad. You squeeze his hands in yours as you nod your head. âI love you, too.â
âCan we date for real?â He immediately asks, his wide pleading eyes making you chuckle.
âItâs been âfor realâ for a while now,â you say warmly, but Jaemin shakes his head, not having it.Â
âYeah, but weâre currently broken up if you donât remember. The entire reason youâre over here is because I couldnât stop bawling my eyes outâŠwhich was the worst feeling in the world, by the way,â he banters back with a weak laugh. You let a grimace cross your face before pulling it into a fond smile.Â
âYeah, donât worry. Iâll never break up with you again,â you assure him softly. Jaemin doesnât hide his wide smile as he shifts himself so he can easily lean in and kiss you softly, resting his forehead against your own as he pulls back to smile against your lips.
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does anyone have the link to a jaehyun fic where y/n and jaehyun are broken up because she got pregnant and she didn't want to burden him with it so she said she aborted it, but in the end it's revealed that she's still pregnant? tysm for any help đ
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Anya is LIVE right now
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Free to watch âą No registration required âą HD streaming
⯠summary: Losing track of time with your exâs best friend is technically not normal. But neither is him showing up with a box full of memories youâre actively trying to forget. You shouldnât let him in, or laugh with him, or think he looks good flushed. But God, it feels normalâfreakishly normal. Like maybe you had the wrong friend the first time around.
⯠pairings: mark x fem!reader
⯠genre: ex boyfriendâs friend, angst, smut
⯠words: 8.7k
⯠tags: 18+ minors dni, alcohol consumption, brief argument, confessions, confused feelings, making out, dry humping, protected sex, quickie, marking, slight fluff, a lot of angst, violence joke, reader uses she/her pronouns, basically just a complicated relationship dynamic that involves mark helping you get over your ex
NOTE: this can be read as a standalone, but it is a sequel to another fic: death by a thousand cuts. if youâd like more context, i recommend reading that first.
Isnât it funny how when someone cheats on you, you become the victim, yet somehow youâre also the one cleaning up their mess? Like your ex detonates this bomb, but itâs you sifting through the rubble for pieces of yourself youâll never quite find because they donât exist anymore.
Lee Donghyuck cheated on you with your best friend. Everyone knew. Everyone but you. And then he left you with the wreckageâthe kind of wreckage that isnât just heartbreak or ruin or rubble, but rather an asteroid-like hole. Youâre pretty sure dinosaurs had a more graceful end. Your parents say youâve always been a drama queen, but this situation feels like a very appropriate time to be dramatic. Â
You mean, he was your first everything. First kiss, first love, first person you thought you would navigate the world with. And then suddenly he wasnât. Suddenly, youâre staring down the reality of seconds and thirdsâversions of love that will always be lesser, always be tainted, because how do you ever believe in âfirstsâ again when yours was a lie?
You canât even look at another man. Canât imagine it. The very idea of romance tastes like metal in your mouth. He didnât just ruin loveâhe tampered with the entire operating system. Corrupted the file. Installed malware on your ability to trust. People. Men. Friends.
And of course it was obvious in hindsight. It always is. Yeji and Lia suspiciously became one, joined at the hip. Inseparable. Whispering and keeping secrets in corners you didnât bother to investigate because you were too busy grieving the loss of him. So, you missed the betrayal that was tucked right under your nose.Â
Then the truth came out, in all its ugly little parts: Liaâs betrayal. Hyuckâs infidelity. Yejiâs silence.Â
You kicked Yeji out of your shared apartment that same night. Because she knew. She fucking knew, the entire time. She held your hand in the dark, wiped your tears when you sobbed, told you that you deserve betterâall while guarding the one secret that wouldâve set you free sooner.
Strangely, that betrayal cut the deepest. Because you can survive a boy ruining you. There will be other boys. (There has to be. Even if the idea makes you physically ill right now.) But when the people who swore they'd love you even when you felt unlovableâgirls who braided your hair and made loom bands with youâturn out to be liars too? Thatâs a different kind of hurt entirely. Thatâs something you canât get back.
What youâre saying is: nothing really phases you anymore. Not shame. Not fear. Not even danger. Youâre untouchable in the worst way. Which is why, when a knock rattles your front doorâlate and loud in the dead of nightâyou donât flinch. You donât still. You donât even check the peephole. Because what could possibly scare you now?Â
The truth is, you already died. You died the day you learned your childhood best friend turned first love had been in someone elseâs bed. And then you died againâworse, deeperâwhen you learned whose.
You jerk the door open swiftly. Itâs rather careless considering youâre a single girl alone in your apartment. But you donât care. Youâre hoping it will be the Grim Reaper here to collect you, and youâre ready, fucking finally. Ready to end your suffering.Â
Except it isnât Death.
Itâs MarkâHyuckâs best friend.Â
He stands there, in the flickering, sickly yellow hallway light, looking like a chastened altar boy (not Grim, sadly), clutching a cardboard box filled with bits and bobs to his chest. Inside: loose stuffing from old teddy bears. A college hoodie with the cuffs chewed. Something sparkly you already know is that necklace with the âHâ initial.
All your things. All the artefacts of a girl who was in love. All the old pieces of yourself you left at Hyuckâs apartment.
The same things you told Hyuck to burn because you didnât want anything tethering you to that boy. Not even your favourite pair of Jimmy Choos. (And God, you really did love those shoes.)
âI see youâre still Hyuckâs lackey,â you say, casually leaning against the doorframe. Your arms are crossed, chin tilted and unfortunately for Mark, your bitch mode: ON.
You know thatâs unfair, but fairness is reserved for people whose best friends didnât lie straight to their face. Youâre almost certain that the sidekick to your cheating ex definitely knew about everything. Probably helped facilitate it and keep it under the radar. Ugh. Men.Â
Mark adjusts the box in his hand, one arm flexing beneath the cardboard while the other scrubs at the back of his neck. Heâs awkward. Stalling. Youâd chalk it up to coming face-to-face with your best friendâs exâthe ex his best friend cheated on. Anyone would be uncomfortable.
[Well, maybe not you. Mostly because you donât really⊠have friends anymore. Not since all this exploded. Unless you count your new Craigslist roommate, who disappears every night and reappears at dawn smelling like smoke, tequila, and what you can only assume is motor oil. Or bleach. Maybe blood? You donât ask. Youâre afraid the answer would make you an accomplice.]
But then you catch itâthe reason why heâs so uncomfortable, that is. Markâs eyes are flicking over your body. Slowly. Hesitantly. Like he's waiting for someone to slap him and force his face away. No one does that, though, so his gaze lingers over your thin white tank top that definitely does not have a bra beneath it. Your nipplesâtraitorsâsalute him through the fabric.
Listen. Itâs not your fault. Youâre still in that phase of heartbreak where you spend hours convincing yourself that it is entirely normal to load up The Sims, install the Extreme Violence mod, recreate Hyuckâs character, and then repeatedly whack him over the head with a glass bottle. Itâs girlhood. So yesâyouâre currently in your comfies. No bra. And if you want to answer your door half-naked on a Friday night, you absolutely will. Heâs the one who showed up unannounced, thank you very much.
And if itâs any consolationâwhich it shouldnât be, because it is hardly your fault this boy apparently cannot cope with the outline of the female nippleâyou are wearing fluffy red bed socks. Extremely wholesome. Unfortunately, the socks do very little to counterbalance the general scandal of the rest of you. The tiny black boy shorts and exposed thighs, which⊠somewhat reduce the cosy charm.
Maybe thatâs why his voice gives out before it even starts. You cough. He startles and coughs too. Then he finally speaks.Â
âHyuck figured if he came knocking on your door with this stuff, you mightâve called the cops.â
âDing, ding, ding,â you deadpan.
Mark huffs a laugh, then grimaces. âI told him you wouldnât like it, but heââ
âDoesnât listen?â You finish for him. âYeah. I know.â
He blushes then. If Mark Lee had a nickel for every one of Hyuckâs messes heâs had to clean up, heâd have enough saved to retire to Bali. Or Cabo. Somewhere far, with a beach and a bar and enough money left over to buy a boat.Â
And heâs only twenty-six.
The colour climbing his cheeks is so aggressive, so scarlet itâs almost maroon, and you genuinely donât understand what he has to be embarrassed about. He wasnât the one who cheated. But then againâeveryone knew. So maybe itâs not embarrassment. Maybe itâs guilt.
That has your walls snapping back into place. You straighten, arms folding so tight across your chest itâs a miracle your ribs donât crack.
âWell,â you say flatly. âJust leave it there. Iâll deal with it later.â
Mark blinks. âLike⊠here? In the hallway?â
You nod.Â
He hesitates, glancing left, then right down the corridor. âUhâI donât know if thatâs a great idea. You have a lot of expensive stuff in here. Your neighbours mightââ
In theory, your neighbours stealing your ex-boyfriendâs sentimental crap is the ideal outcome. It saves you the grief, the time, and the spiral of reminiscing through a heartbreak box.Â
But then your brain conjures Mrs Kim from across the hall, who has zero concept of boundaries. Sheâd waltz up, see the box, and treat it like a garage sale. Invite herself in for coffee. Invite her friends from bingo. And as lovely as that sounds, you are still very much in the stage of heartbreak where human interactionâeven with adorable old ladiesâfeels like being skinned alive.
âShould I⊠take it back, then?â Mark asks.
âWhat?â
âThe box.â He lifts it slightly for emphasis. âI know you donât want this stuff, but I really donât think itâs safe to leave it outside. I know you like expensive things, and flashy things, and wellâI just donât think itâs a great idea to have random strangers outsideââ
God. Heâs right. But also unbearably, painfully rambling.
âFine. Justâgive it to me.â
You reach for the box and he helpfully shifts it toward you. Except, the second you grab it, your arms nearly snap clean off.
âWhat theââ you grunt. âDid he fill this with bricks?â
Mark chokes on a laugh. âI think thereâs some yearbooks in there.â
âOh my God.â Your shoulders tremble. âHow much stuff did I leave there?â
He doesnât answer. He doesnât need to. Because Hyuck. Childhood friend. First love. Idiot. Well over a decade of anniversaries and sleepovers and matching hoodies and Valentineâs teddy bears and handwritten notes youâd now love to set on fireâbut unfortunately canât, because your arms are actively dislocating.
The box wobbles. You make a noise that is definitely not human.
âOkayâokayâjustââ Mark steps in, steadying the box before you drop it and amputate yourself. âIâve got it. Iâll justâput it inside for you.â
âNo.â
Itâs out before you can stop it. Because Mark inside your apartment feels like crossing some invisible line. A boundary you didnât know you cared about until it was about to be breached. Because Mark isnât your friend. Well, he used to beâbefore Hyuck won him in the breakup. Hyuck won everyone in the breakup.Â
[Word of advice: never date inside a friend group. Especially if you have all been friends since childhood. You donât just lose the boyfriendâyou lose everyone. Or maybe yours are special circumstancesâŠbecause well, you know what happened.]
The box shifts again, a stuffed bear nearly dropping to the floor. You curse every skipped pilates class this heartbreak has robbed from you.Â
âFine,â you bite out, stepping back and shoving the door open wide. âCoffee table. Please.â
Mark nods solemnly and steps past youâcarefully, awkwardlyâtrying not to touch anything, including you. You close the door behind him. And for some reason, that tiny little click echoes in your ear like an alarm. It feels like a siren. A flashing red warning light yelling that you just did something irreversible, like invite a vampire into your house.Â
Maybe your parents were right about the dramatic thing. Youâre spiraling. Overthinking. Catastrophizing despite everything being fine. Completely fine. Youâre just letting your fractured, paranoid brain work overtime.Â
Itâs only when Mark sets the box down on your coffee tableâthe same coffee table where your MacBook sits wide open, The Sims in first-person mode, screen proudly displaying sim-Hyuck being chainsawed in the windowless basement you built specifically to imprison himâthat your brain finally shuts the hell up.
Mark straightens slowly. âThat seems a little graphic for a game rated teen.â He leans closer. Squints. âWait. Is that supposed to beââ
âYes, itâs Hyuck,â you defend. âYes, itâs a mod. And yes, Yeji, Lia, and you are all queued up next because itâs therapeutic.â
âMe?â
âYes, you.â You fold your arms. âYou knowâŠsince everyone knew. Everyone said nothing.â
âIââ
You donât care. You donât want to hear the apology or the justification or the sad little oh-I-didnât-know-how-to-tell-you speech. None of that could make you feel better about the situation. Itâs redundant. So you pivot.
âIs that my Midnights vinyl?â
His head snaps down to where the lavender edge peeks out of the box. Perfect. Distraction successful. You swoop in, snatch it up, andâbecause itâs a perfect opportunity, and you donât want to be questioned on your coping mechanisms anymoreâslam your laptop shut. Clearly your therapy session is over
âIâve been looking for this version,â you say, clutching the vinyl. âDid you know if you have all four, they form a clock?â
The corner of his mouth twitches. âI did know that, yes.â
You gasp. âI didnât know you were a Swiftie.â
âTechnically, Iâm notââ
âBlasphemy in my own home. I wonât have it, Marcus Lee.â
âThatâs⊠not my name.â
âI know,â you hum. âBut donât you think it sounded moreâŠauthoritative?â
His brows furrow. âAuthoritative?â
âYes, because disliking Taylor Swift in my apartment is a very serious crime, Mark. In fact, as reparations, you now owe me a full listen-through.â
âY/N, I donât thinkââ
âSit.â You point to the couch with every ounce of that authoritative tone you were striving for. âNow.â
The couch is⊠not in company-ready condition if youâre being honest. Obviously, youâre wallowing. There are pillows. There are blankets. There is, possibly, a rogue Malteser wrapper nestled between the cushions. But Mark doesnât look disgusted. He just pushes everything to one side and lowers himself onto the sofa. He does, however, fidget. Thumb-twiddling. Knee-rubbing. Not quite looking at you.
And itâs then, as you place the vinyl carefully onto the turntable, it hits you all at once:
This is weird. Not just weird. Intimate.
You have no idea what youâre doing. Or why you ordered Mark to stay. Or why he actually listened. He couldâve left. He shouldâve left. But he didn't. And maybe itâs pathetic. Maybe itâs desperation. Maybe itâs loneliness stitched together with heartbreak and stubbornness. But for the first time in months, sitting across from someone who knew you before everything went to shitâŠ
You donât feel entirely alone.
And youâre so sick of feeling entirely alone.Â
The first track hums, floating through your living room and carrying your feet to the side of the couch where your newly formed Heartbreak Pile sits like a mini mountain. You sit.Â
âYou donât have to do this, you know?â Mark says with a laugh. And although thereâs clearly a smidge of protest there in his words, he still settles into your couch. âI donât hate Taylor Swift.â
âDo you want a drink?â
His eyebrows hitch. âYouâre⊠asking me to stay for a drink while we listen to the Midnights album?â
You are. Why are you doing that?
âI get it if you donât want to,â you say quickly, hands smoothing down your bare thighs. âItâs obviously weird for you to be sitting here with your best friendâs ex. I just thought it would be polite toââ
âPolite to keep me hostage and force me to listen to Taylor Swift?â
âOh my God. We donât have to listen to Taylor Swift,â you huff. âI have other vinyls.â
âI know you do,â he says, smiling. âLast I remembered, you had a pretty impressive collection.â
âWell,â you sniff, âI donât like to brag.â
âYes, you do,â he counters. âA lot, actually.â His expression softens. âAnd I know that because you were my friend too, Y/N. BeforeâŠyou knowââ
He swallows.
You mirror it.
God, even acknowledging it feels like saying Voldemort out loud.
âWhat Iâm saying is,â Mark continues, quieter now, âif youâre not okay, and you want me to stick around for a bit⊠thatâs fine. I can.â
Your throat goes tight.
Because thatâs the thingâyou donât know what you want. But the part of you thatâs been screaming into pillows at 3AM, the part thatâs so tired of crying, so tired of fake murdering people in a simulation game, perks up like a puppy.Â
ââŠI have wine,â you say eventually.
You donât, but youâre pretty sure that roommate of yours has something under the sink.Â
Mark nods. âThen letâs open it.â
Youâre laughing so hard your stomach aches. Like youâre convinced you might develop abs from this kind of laughing. Which honestly works out great, considering your gym membership has been dormant for a month. Like you said: no pilates.
You donât even remember what started it. Somewhere between grabbing your roommateâs wine (if it legally qualifies as wine), shoving a glass into Markâs hand, and reminiscing about schoolâmiddle school, high school, college, all of the beforeâyou completely lost track of time.
Things were good, once. Good in the stupid, reckless way teenagers think fun equals good. Like when Hyuck convinced the entire friend group to egg Mr. Kangâs house only to get caught. At the time, horrifying. He got grounded for three weeks. You cried because losing that co-dependant bond for three weeks was the end of the world at ten.Â
Now, though? Now that Hyuck is on your personal shit list? Itâs funny. You think Mr Kang was ahead of his time. In fact, now that youâre properly wine-warm and giggle-drunk, you realise most of what you and Mark have been laughing about is⊠Hyuckâs greatest fails.
Which is fine by you because youâre absolutely hysterical. And not with sad tears this time either.
Somehow, somewhere, in the giggles that come with slandering Hyuckâs haircut phases, you ended up on the floor. You donât remember leaving the couch, but here you are, back against the side of it, legs stretched out, fuzzy red socks firmly planted in Markâs lap. Your wine glass dangles from your fingers, completely empty.Â
Mark is just as gone, head tipped back against the coffee table, laughing like he hasnât in years.
You feel giddy. He feels giddy. Stupid, warm, flushed giddy.
âHowâd we end up on the floor anyway?â You ask once the laughter dies down to hiccups.
You snort. âIs now a bad time to tell you Jenny often comes home smelling like bleach?â
His whole body goes still. Then his head whips toward you, eyes wide. âIâm sorryâbleach?â
âAnd gasoline. And maybe⊠tar?â
He blinks. Then blinks again. âProbably wouldâve been nice to know before I drank my third glass.â
âBut then you wouldnât be wine drunk,â you point out, poking his shin with your toe. âAnd everybody knows wine drunk is the best drunk.â
âThere is no such thing as best drunk,â he argues. But heâs smiling.
âSay that to your flushed cheeks.â
âTheyâre notââ
âAnd your ears,â you add. âDid you know your ears flush when you get tipsy?â
âI did know that,â he says defensively, rubbing the back of his neck.
âYou know a lot of things.â
âNot everything,â he mumbles. Itâs so soft you almost miss it. He must think you do, because he keeps going before you can react. âYou were the first person to tell me that, actually. About my ears.â
âI was?â
He nods. âFirst school dance. When Hyuck spiked the punch.â
You groan. âUgh. My parents were so mad about that. Did you know I threw up on our cat that night?â
He barks out another laugh. And his calloused hand presses absently into the arch of your foot. Youâve noticed him doing it a few times tonight. You havenât said anything. Because it feels⊠good. Too good to risk scaring him off. Maybe itâs the wine. Maybe itâs the way his thumb is drawing these small, slow circles like he doesnât even realise heâs doing it.
Mark perks up at that like a labrador hearing the word treat. âDo I get a medal?â
âProbably not.â Your smile is crooked. âSince thereâs not exactly a lot of competition because I donât have any friends.â
He blinks. Hard. âIâm your friend. Iâve always been your friend.â
Something in you snaps. It starts at the base of your spineâred, hot, ugly. Cheap wine always did come with an angry aftershock after the silliness. Maybe Mark was right. Maybe there is no such thing as best drunk.
âFunny,â you say, voice flattening. âFriends donât keep it a secret when their other friend is cheating on their girlfriend.â
His smile drops. âStop that.â
âStop what?â You lean forward, scoffing. âStop reminding you of the shit you helped facilitate?â
His jaw flexes so harshly you hear his teeth click. âI didnât know.â
You laugh. Or choke. Or both. âWhat?âÂ
Thatâs all you can muster because thatâsâimpossible. It has to be. Youâve spent the last month thinking you were an idiot. You were blind. You were alone.Â
He looks at you. Repeats it. âI didnât know, Y/N.â
âThatâs notââ Your throat is sandpaper. âThatâs not possible. How do you not know your best friend is cheating on his girlfriend?â
âThe same way you didnât know your best friend was sleeping with your boyfriend.â
He fires it back without hesitation. And likeâouch. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. You actually rock backward like he physically struck you. Thank god your wine glass is empty or youâd be wearing it. Or worse your precious white carpet would be.Â
You both go still. Even his hand stops moving. The room should be silent but the vinyl keeps spinning. Then finally, his voice breaks through, low and ragged.
âY/N, Iâm sorry. That didnâtââ
You scramble to move because suddenly everything is wrongâtoo loud, too close. Your feet feel vulgar in his lap. The touch youâd been soaking in like sunlight suddenly feels like acid.
âItâs fine,â you lie, grabbing both glasses with trembling hands. âItâs late. You should probablyââ
âItâs not fine.â
The words crack like a whip. He surges to his feet, taking the glasses from your grip before you can retreat. He sets them aside uselessly, then reaches for youânot touching, but caging you in place. Forcing your eyes to meet his.
âNone of this is fucking fine!â His voice breaks open. âItâs not fine that youâre upset! Itâs not fine that those assholes hurt you! And it is definitely not fucking fine that you think I helped them do it!â
Heat roars up your spine. âWell, what else am I supposed to think?â
âI donât fucking know!â His hands fly up. âMaybe that I would never do that to a friend. To someone I loââ He bites it back, physically swallowing the word. âTo someone I look out for.â
Your laugh is ugly. âRight. Looking out for me. Is that why youâre running his errands?â
Youâre snapping. You know youâre snapping. But your heart has been betrayed before. So logically, your brain goes straight to the obvious: accomplice.
He winces like you slapped him. âThatâs what you think Iâm doing right now?â
âYou literally brought me all the shit my ex bought me because you knew Iâd kick his ass if he came here instead.â
âOkay,â he breathes, taking a slow inhale like heâsâŠtrying to psych himself up? âWeâre really fucking doing this.â
Your eyes narrow. âDoing what?â
He doesnât answer you and for a second the air is thin. Then, in a motion that feels both desperate and controlled, he kneels by the coffee table, opens the box, and begins pulling things out. You flop back against the couch because you donât know what else to do. Your wine-influenced bravado is fading; curiosity slides in itâs place.
A teddy bear. A cracked vinyl sleeve. A stack of old receipts. Thee necklace. A Polaroid. Of you. Mark lifts it gently between two fingers.
âThis was from Halloween,â he says quietly. âThree years ago. You were sad because Hyuck didnât compliment your costume. I took the picture to make you smile. He saw it, got pissy, and took it from me and kept it in his wallet.â
You go rigid.
âThe Beatles vinylâ you fucking love The Beatles. Reminds you of your grandparents. He bought it because he forgot your birthday and panicked.â
He sets it down carefully. Picks up something else.Â
âThe teddy bearâyou had a care bear phase in high school. The crystalâyour birthstone. You liked astrology that year. Every scrap receipt because you journal literally everything.â
âAnd this fucking necklaceââ He picks up the chain with two fingers like it burns. âHe told me he thought marking you was tacky. But he still wanted a way for people to know you were his.â
The necklace dangles between you, and piece by piece, Mark lays everything out. Every ordinary little thing that shouldnât mean anything anymore but all of it maps out ten years of things that are completely you.Â
Your throat clamps shut. When you finally force words out, they scrape.
âWhy are you doing this? Howâhow do you know all this?â
âBecause I thought of it all!â
The room rings with it. With that loud, instant response. And you just stare at him. You stare because suddenly your own body doesnât feel like yours. Everything is static. Buzzing. Your mouth is cotton. You canât swallow. You canât think. All you can manage is a small, broken:
âW-What?â
Mark meets your gaze. And whatever was holding him back all night finally snaps.
âEvery problem he thought you had? I fixed it. Every time he fucked up something for you? I handled it. Because I know you. I see you. Iâve always seen you. And none of it has ever mattered because you only ever saw him.â
Is the vinyl still playing?
You donât know. Because all you hear are his words clanging, over and over, like bells. Like alarms. A crashing in your skull. If what heâs saying is true, then everything you romanticised, every soft, bright memory you preserved wasâŠinauthentic? Fake? Him?
No.
No.
âNo,â you whisper, shaking your head hard. âThatâthat makes no sense.â
âDoesnât it?â he asks, but itâs not a question. His jaw flexes. âDo you even remember the day you two met?â
Of course you do. You were six. Hyuckâs family moved next door. He was in blue overalls and you in a pink sundress. Plastic butterfly clips decorated your hair, which he complimented. Mark watches recognition bloom on your faceâand he delivers the final blow.
âI saw you first,â he says quietly. âFrom his bedroom window. You were jumping rope on your driveway with those stupid little clips in your hair. I called him over. I remember it vividly. I said, âDude, I think you live next door to an angel.ââ
Angel.
Every molecule of oxygen leaves your lungs. Leaves your livingroom clearly because you cannot breathe. Because that nicknameâthe nicknameâthe one Hyuck used on you for years, whispered into your neck, wrote in Sharpie on your birthday cards, carved into your goddamn heartâ
It wasnât even his.
It was Markâs.
Every memory youâve ever loved belongs to someone else.
Mark is already crouching in front of you, hand out, face very alarmed. But still, you jerk back before he can touch you. His eyes dart down for a fraction of a second. And when they come back up, the blood that has rushed to his cheeks is unmistakably maroon.
It could be a hundred things, really. Worry, embarrassment, regret for the confession that just slipped out of him. Or maybeâyour stomach dropsâmaybe itâs the fact that youâve once again drawn his attention to your nipples. Which are very visible. Through your very soaked tank top. At quite possibly the worst time ever. Becauseâwellâconfession.
âI thinkâI think thereâs a hoodie at the bottom of the box,â he blurts, stumbling over the words. Then, he shifts back, sitting on his heels because you just recoiled from him and clutched your knees to your chest.Â
âAre you gonna tell me thatâs yours too?â You scoff.Â
His jaw flexes hard. âThatâs not fair, Y/N.â
âIâm not being fair?â Your laugh is shrill. âMe? Youâve just flipped my entire world upside down, Mark! You just told me that every single memory I have of my relationship was fakeâmanufacturedââ
âBecause it was!â
âI know!â you snap, the two words ricocheting between you. âObviously I know that now. But why?â Your voice cracks. âWhy are you telling me this now?â
âBecause I love you, Y/N!âÂ
He doesnât give you a second to react or process. He keeps barrelling on.
âI have loved you since we were six years old.â His chest rises and falls, like the words are slicing his throat. âAnd making you happy has always been the only thing thatâs ever mattered to me. So when you told everyone you had a crush on Hyuck, Iââ He swallows. âI buried it. Because he made you smile. And even though everything he ever did for you came from my ideas, just seeing you happy was enough. I didnât need the credit.â
You study him. He looks wrecked. Wrecked and vulnerable. And scared.Â
âSo to sit here and listen to you thinkâfor one fucking secondâthat I would help him cheat on you? That I would keep something like that from you?â His voice breaks on a growl. âYouâve mischaracterised me, Y/N. Youâve made me into someone Iâm not. And I canâtââ He presses the heel of his hand to his eye like heâs holding himself together. âI canât take you looking at me like I hurt you on purpose.â
Your brain is officially fried. Youâre not sure if itâs the wine humming through your blood, or the avalanche of emotions currently bouncing around your ribcage with no coordinationâconfusion, rage, relief, disbeliefâor maybe itâs just that youâve spent months feeling invisible, hollowed out, and suddenly someone is kneeling on your living room floor listing physical evidence that he has been witnessing you your entire life.
Maybe itâs all of it.
Maybe it doesnât matter.
Because before you can think better of it, youâre moving. Leaning forward and reaching for him so that your fingers can curl into the collar of his T-shirt and you can crush your mouth to his. Heat. Desperation. Lust. Want. Need.
Exceptâexcept heâs not moving with you. Heâs not kissing you back. You freeze, becauseâŠwhy isnât he kissing you back? You could have sworn (literally thirty seconds ago) he said he loved you. Was that notâŠ
âY/N.â His voice comes out strained. âWe shouldnât. I donât want to do this like this.â
The rejection hits like a bucket of ice water over your head. Your face floods with heat so violent youâre convinced even that ice water wouldnât be enough to put you out. You pull back so fast you nearly topple again, hands flying into your lap.Â
You canât look at him. You want to disappear. Crawl under the carpet. Scream into your pillows again like you did last night and the night before that.
He sees it. Of course he does. Becauseâlike he so helpfully pointed outâheâs always seen you.
âHey,â he says softly, reaching out like he wants to touch you but stopping halfway, fingers suspended midair. âDonâtâplease donât do that. Donât shrink from me.â
You huff out a pathetic sound that might be a laugh or might be a sob. âWell, sorry if Iâm a little mortified after throwing myself at someone who clearly didnât want me.â
âThatâs notââ He swears under his breath. âIf youâve somehow taken from this conversation that I donât want you, then youâre not listening.â
âOh yeah? Enlighten me then.â
âI didnât kiss you back,â he says quietly. And something about him recounting your actions, makes you wince. âBecause I refuse to be something you do out of confusion. Or loneliness. Or revenge.â
Was that why you kissed him?Â
Loneliness? Wine? The sharp, stupid need to shove something solid into the hollow? Maybe. Probably. You donât know! The truth is muddy and complicated and embarrassing.
But you do know this: this nightâthis laughing till your abs are carved, barefoot on the floor, wine stained tank kind of nightâhas been the most bliss youâve felt in years. Not just the month of heartbreak.
And itâs not the first time tonight youâve remembered who Mark is to you. Who he was before you lost sight of him.
You remember talking to him every single day in high school until your phone died. Him calling just to tell you about some terrible movie he watched. You remember hopscotch on your driveway when Hyuck said it was âtoo girly,â but Mark stomped on the chalk squares anyway. You remember him fixing the busted zipper on your backpack. You remember stupid text threads. Walks home. Inside jokes.Â
But most importantly, you remember giving him up. Neglecting the friendship. Letting rust grow between telephones. And you absolutely refuse to let him be the thing you lose again.
Mark doesnât flinch this time. Doesnât lean in either. He just sits perfectly still, letting your arms loop around his neck. His ears go red, and you almost laugh because they always do that. And youâve always thought it was unbearably cute. Thatâs why you noticed it in the first place.Â
âTruthfully,â you say, breath brushing his jaw, âI donât know what made me kiss you. Maybe I did it because I was angry and drunk and tired of feeling overlooked. Maybe I did it for myself. Maybe I did it because some petty part of me wanted to punish Hyuck.â
He opens his mouth. Then closes it.Â
âBut I do know I remember you,â you continue. âYou were always thereâfor me. I know I stopped noticing because I wanted to be dazzled. But I donât want to let you be the thing I let go of because I was blinded again.â
Markâs gaze softens. âI donât want to be the person you settle for either,â he says softly. âNot ever.â
You huff out a disbelieving little laugh. âIf youâve somehow taken from this conversation that I consider someone whoâs clearly spent a decade bending over backwards to take care of me âsettling,â then youâre the one whoâs not listening.â
His mouth twitches, almost smiling. âOh yeah? Enlighten me then.â
You lean in, forehead brushing his. âWhat Iâm saying is,â you whisper, âright now, I pick you. Not because Iâm settling with you. Not because I now see you. I pick you because I like you. I feel good with you. I feel safe with you. And I thinkâŠI think I always have.â
âSo youâre sayingââ
You cut him off before he can finish. âIâm saying, if you donât shut up and actually kiss me right now, Mark Lee, I might actually combust.â
His laughter bursts out againâthe same warm, throaty sound from moments agoâand something in your chest goes molten. You get it now, what he said earlier about feeling rewarded when someone you care about smiles. Because watching him laugh like that? Itâs better than your entire vinyl collection. Itâs music. The kind that thrums under your skin. Taylor should sample it.Â
And then his mouth is on yours.
Soft. Sure. A little hesitant. Nervous, but his lips are so plush and impossibly warm, you donât care. You donât care. Itâs that disorienting second that it all registers for you. These are only the second pair of lips youâve ever kissed. And somehow they donât feel tainted or lesser. They just feel⊠right. More than, actually. They feel how a kiss is supposed to feel.
You melt into him. You forget about oxygen, about time, because thisâthis feels good. Too good. So fucking good youâre subconsciously rolling your hips against the rough denim of his jeans, chasing friction. Your fingers start absentmindedly sliding into his hair, tugging just enough to draw a rough sound from his throat. Itâs just as good as his laughter, and he pulls you closer, harder against him.
Itâs like heâs finally, finally allowing himself to hold you. To have you. And suddenly thereâs no space left to question, no room for guilt or history or doubt. Just heat. Just hands. Just mouths and heartbeats and the quiet, dizzying relief of being wanted back.
His forehead drops to yours, breath warm and uneven against your lips. âYou have no idea what you do to me.â
âShow me then,â you whisper.
He doesâby gripping you tighter, by moving against you, by pulling you closer like heâs starving for it. Like he canât stop. Itâs rhythmic and rough and so unbelievably shameless because you feel every solid, unrelenting inch of him through his clothes. He has absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.
You wish you could say the same. You know you were all free the nipple and comfort first when he showed up at your doorâbut now, in your thin boy shorts, youâre wishing for something less⊠revealing. Because you can feel itâthe heat, the slickness. Youâre almost certain thereâll be a damp spot on his jeans. Yeah. Youâre that wet.
Mortified, you bury your face in his neck.
âDonât do that,â he rasps, voice rougher than youâve ever heard it. âDonât hide from me. Youâre too damn pretty for that.â
âIt justâfeels too good. Iâmââ
âWet?â His mouth ghosts over yours. âI know, baby. I can feel you. And itâs fucking hot watching you squirm around on top of me like this. Better than anything Iâve ever imagined.â
âMark,â you breathe.Â
He answers by rolling his hips again, picking up his pace. Itâs more desperate. Itâs a pattern that makes you lose track of whatâs his heartbeat and whatâs yours. Itâs easy. Too easy. Because you swear youâre going to cum like thisâfully clothed.Â
ââs okay, baby,â he murmurs, words frayed at the edges. Heâs close tooâyou can feel it in the way his body trembles beneath you, in the way his breath control slips with every movement. And God, why is something about that fantasy so fucking hot?Â
His scent floods your senses. His pulse thrums beneath your lips. Itâs all sensation and urgency until youâre shaking with it. His hand cups the back of your head, the other presses flat against your spine, holding you steady as he guides you to come apart against him.
Clothes still on. Technically untouchedâbut completely blissful. You shouldnât be surprised. He told you once. He doesnât have to touch you to reach you. He just does because he sees you. Heâs always seen you.Â
âI want you.â
You think the words fall out of your mouth whilst youâre still coming down from orgasmic euphoria. As your brain finally recognises everything this boy could be for you. What he almost was. Had you just let him.
Mark stills, hesitates with his lips brushing yours. âY/Nââ
âPlease,â you whisper, hips pressing into him, desperately, itâs almost shameful. âI need you right now.
âY/N, we canâtââ His breath catches as you roll your hips once more. (Yes, you are absolutely trying to remind him just how much he wants this too.) âShit. I donât have anything. I didnât thinkâI didnât bring anything because I had no idea this wouldââ
A part of you perks up when you realise thatâs the reason heâs holding back. You donât let him finish. You lean forward, open the drawer of the coffee table, and pull out a small foiled packet.
Mark blinks. âYou keep condoms in your coffee table?â
âI do not,â you say, already working at his belt. âJenny does though. She said it was non-negotiable when she moved in.â
His brows pull together. âY/N, what the fuck? Who the hell is this chickââ
âI really do not want to talk about my potentially murderous Craigslist roommate right now,â you murmur, leaning in until your lips graze his jaw. âKinda killing the mood.â
âI know, but God, is she even safeââ
âMark,â you cut him off, your tone sweet and firm all at once, âI really want to have safe sex with you right now. SoâŠcan you please shut up and let me fuck you?â
âOh,â he laughs. âYouâre gonna fuck me?â
You smile, hold up the condom between your fingers and nod.Â
âCute,â he murmurs, nipping your lip.
You raise a brow. âIs that a challenge?â
âI donât know,â he smirks. âIs it?â
You take it as one.
No more hesitation between either of you. Clothes fall away, impatiently, until skin meets skin. You end up on the living room floor, knees pressing into the white rug, Mark beneath you, his back against the couch. You straddle him, breath tangled with his as you guide him inside youâslow, deep, careful.
Heâs so much.
You feel every inch. The gentle, perfect stretch that steals the air from your lungs. The fullness. Mark keeps your lips on his the whole time, kissing you through itâsoft pecks that turn into open-mouthed gasps as you sink lower. His hands grip your hips, not to control, but to anchor. To feel.
When you finally take all of him, your forehead drops to his. His breath fans against your lips, shaky and weak.
âJesus, Y/NâŠâ
You stay like that for a momentâjust breathing, just feeling. His thumb traces small circles at the base of your spine, grounding you in the fullness of it all. He lets you find your rhythm, surrendering completely, giving you the reins to do this. Itâs utter trust.Â
And once your body adjusts, once the burn melts into something heated and hungry, you start to move. Slow at firstâtesting. Then deeper. Mark meets every shift of your hips with a quiet groan that shoots straight through you. His hands stay at your waist, guiding but never taking.
âGod, look at you,â he says against your neck. âSo fucking perfect.â
You lean into his praise, into the way he looks at you like heâs seeing something he doesnât ever want to forget. His eyes track every movement, every breath, every sound.
âThatâs it,â he murmurs. âJust like that. Fuckâyes! Please donât stop.â
Your hands slide up his shoulders, fingers curling against solid muscle because you need something to hold on to as you move faster, surer. He catches your face between his palms and kisses youâdeep, consuming, like heâs finally letting himself have you the way heâs always wanted to.Â
And God, you donât blame him. You could have beenâshould have beenâdoing this a lot sooner.
âHoly shit,â he whispers against your lips. âYesâfucking take it. Use me, baby.â
The praise and demands keep spilling out of him, unguarded. Itâs all you can hearâhis words, his voice, his moans. You can feel him losing himself in it, in you, and itâs so fucking hot. Itâs heat and tenderness. Itâs want and awe. Every movement becomes something wordless, something more than just need, because you can feel that coil in your stomach forming.Â
âFuckâMark! I think Iâm gonnaââ
His hand snakes around, finding the curve of your spine to hold you in place. Because the sound you makeâthe low, fractured pleaâundoes him. Itâs the permission he needed to let his control slip through his fingers and let need take its place.
Need to be greedy. Need to take this orgasm. Need to feel you cumming around his cock because simply seeing it was not enough for him. He needs more.Â
So, he holds you stable, grounding you as his hips thrust and pound. Every movement comes rougher, precise, determined to drive you to that edge. Your voice breaks on a moan of his name, and he drinks it in. Soaks in the momentâthe tremor in your breath, the way you break and flutter around him.
It equally pulls him apart too. So much his rhythm faltersâbut it's not his fault. You just sound too pretty, feel too perfect. He buries his face into your neck, desperately seeking composure.
Only to realise your scent overwhelms him. Too powerful to restrain himself from trailing kisses along your throat. He doesnât even realise heâs doing it; just that he needs to. Needs to keep going because heâs closeâoh so close. Orgasm teetering at his fingertips.
Heâs so consumed, he doesnât notice heâs sucking against your skin either. On the slope of your neck. Along the tease of your collarbone. All deep maroon. All his.
Itâs that sightâthe sight of him branded onto your skin in his favourite colourâthat has him shattering too. One last, harsh, animalistic thrust upwards sends him spilling into the condom. With his stomach quivering, he relaxes, and you ease in his grip.Â
The comedown feels slower than it should. Breaths tangle. Noses brush. The world narrows to the quiet sound of music floating through the living room, to the heat of him beneath you. You can feel every heartbeat, every shiverâlike heâs written himself into your skin. Like from now on, youâll feel him no matter what.
You wake to the powerful, earthy tang of incense and sunlight filtering through blinds, spilling pretty gold stripes across the floor. It takes your foggy brain all of two seconds to register that this is not your bedroom. For one, you paid extra for blackout curtains because the breakup has turned your midnights into afternoons. And twoâthereâs a massive, very muscled forearm draped across your stomach.
You still. Because, well, thereâs a literal body behind youâwarm, solid, breathing. Definitely a man. You think. Unless Jenny suddenly bulked up overnight and started wearing cologne that smells suspiciously like testosterone. You wouldnât put it past her.Â
Your heart does that awkward stutter thing it does when you know you should panic, but your brain is still buffering. You glance toward the coffee tableâempty wine bottle. That explains the fuzzy edges of your memory. But also⊠why are you on the floor?
You donât have time to answer that particular existential question because thereâs a knock at the door. A soft, polite tap tap that somehow feels more alarming than if someone had kicked it down. And then another existential question hits you: why are you half-naked? This isnât your shirt. You look over your shoulderâoh God. Itâs Markâs.
And just like that, it all comes rushing back. The box. The spilled wine. The argument. The revelation. The sex.
Tap. Tap. Tap.
Christ. Canât a girl get a single minute to process the fact that she slept with her exâs best friendâher own childhood friend, mind youâand, more concerningly, that she liked it?
Tap tap tap.
Apparently not.
You peel yourself off the floor. Behind you, Mark groans a low, sleepy sound that vibrates somewhere in your spine. He was always a deep sleeper, the last to wake up at sleepovers. You, on the other hand, were not.Â
Padding across the cool wooden floor, you make your way to the door. And because not checking the peephole has apparently become your default settingâright up there with homie-hoppingâyou twist the knob and pull it open.
And wellâŠfuck.
Your parents were right. Always check the peephole, Y/N. Itâs dangerous.
Because yeah. Hyuck is standing in the hallway. Hollow-eyed.
Hyuck, your ex. Hyuck, the boy who used to run beneath your skin. Hyuck, the boy with the lips you used to call home. Hyuck, who now looks like someone took that home and burned it to the ground. His eyes are raw, rimmed with shadows, and you feel the world drop like a stone in your stomach.
Because you just slept with his best friend.
You should slam the door in his face. Instinctively, your fingers tighten around the edge to do just that, brain screaming at you to abort mission.
âDonât,â he says.
The word cracks through the air. Because of course the bastard can still read your mindâhe always couldâeven now, when everything between you is so jagged and broken.Â
âPlease donât close the door.â
Your breath catches. Thereâs a million things you could sayâshould sayâbut all you can do is stand there, half-dressed in Markâs shirt, heart thundering in your throat, wondering how the hell you got here and what the fuck is going on.Â
âYou have no right to show up here.â
âI know, Y/N. Christâfuck.â He drags a hand through his hair, pacing the hallway. âI called Mark to see if you got the box, but heâs not answering.â
You blink at him. âYou came all the way here to ask if I got my box of shit?â
âDid you?âÂ
You scoff. âDoes it matter?â
âOf course it does,â he retorts. âEverything we are is in that box.â
âWere,â you correct clearly. âEverything we were is in that box. Carnations I thought were roses.â
His brow furrows, confusion slicing through the frustration. âWhat the fuck is that supposed to mean?â
âIt means I believed everything we had was extraordinaryâbut it turned out to be very ordinary,â you bite. âI overestimated your value, Hyuck.â
His throat works, his jaw tightens. âI fucked up. I know. But you canât throw everything we had. You canât downplay it for a simple fuck up.â
You look at himâreally look at him. Because itâs not just about the fuck up anymore, is it? No. Itâs about the illusion. The mistaken perception. The blindness you lived under, believing what you had with him was somehow more beautiful, more real, than it truly was.
âWeâre over, Hyuck. You really should go.â
âY/N, please.â He steps closer, voice low and cracked. âLet me take you to dinnerââ
âNo.â Your voice wavers, but only a little. âIf you took me to dinner, we both know where that would lead.â
âBecause we still love each otherââ
âThatâs a lie, Hyuck.â You meet his eyes, unflinching. âIf you loved me, if you wanted me, you never wouldâve done what you did. I know that now.â
His expression falters, confusion slicing through the pain. âWhat does thatâwait.â His eyes drop, then darken. âWhoâs fucking shirt is that, Y/N?â
You look down at the T-shirt you know is Markâs, and itâs very obvious that Hyuck knows it too. Well, at least that the shirt belongs to a man. Because itâs big, too big, too lived-in, and hanging off your shoulder in a way that screams not yours. It swallows your body whole, skimming the tops of your thighs.Â
Hyuckâs jaw ticks.
You cross your arms over your chest, defensive. âI told you once not to underestimate my extensive collection of male hoodies.â
He doesnât smile. Just stares. âIâm not fucking around, Y/N. Whoâsââ He cuts himself off, eyes narrowing, gaze dropping lower.Â
His attention zeroes in on the slope of your neck. You shift, uncomfortable, as he makes you aware of every inch of your skin. His stare burns. It feels intrusive, like heâs peeling you open with his eyes. You have to take a step back, and then you catch itâthe glimpse of yourself in the mirror by your front door.
A mark.
A very visible, very obvious hickey.
His expression changes. âTell me thatâs not what I think it is.â
You could lie. You probably should lie. But your mouth, as usual, refuses to cooperate.
âGet so fucked right now, Hyuck. I donât owe you that.â
He exhales hard, raking both hands through his hair like heâs seconds away from combusting again. âJesus Christ, Y/N,â he mutters. âIs there a guy inââ
But he doesnât finish the question, because right then, from behind you, thereâs movement. Thereâs sound. A sleepy voice. A groan.
âY/N?â
Mark.
And just like thatâlike he once did to youâyou detonate a bomb in his world. You watch as it hits him, see the exact moment he realises heâll be sifting through the rubble for pieces of himself heâll never quite find. Because they donât exist anymore. They canât. You were the jewel he gave up, the ruby he let slip through his fingers. And thatâs what heâs left with now. The fact that you, for the first time in your life, have chosen someone else. Someone who is not him.