Sunflower in the Rain

She drank the soup of the universe greedily

Like she was running out of time in the the vast expanse of space

In an upside down space saucer

Stars and bits of planet spilling down her lips

I watched with envy

As she played with saturn’s rings between her teeth

Asteroids freckled her cheeks

And satellites drifted about

Tears spilling from those beautiful starry eyes

Di·chot·o·my

/dīˈkädəmē/

noun

plural noun: dichotomies

[Lines that came to me after I woke up]

Victory on canvas

My thoughts drift across the sky of my mind

The body of my soul etched unto the constellations

When slumber comes for me in the waking world

My stars burst forth

The ignition of so many words unspoken in the day

Eenie

meenie

miny

moe

Catch a soulmate

Bring them home

If they holler

Don’t let them go

Eenie

meenie

miny

moe

My

mother

told

me

To pick the very best one

And

I

Chose

Me?

I’m unhappy.

My lungs are filled with

An ocean of sadness

Leaving no room

to breathe

Bones built upon

the

Dust of anxieties

Empty heart

trapped under all

these

Insecurities

A coffin made from

Unshed

Tears

Gravestones littered

With

Daisies

Thriving from

Incomprehensible

Fears

A child cries

Somewhere in the distance

And Me?

My pain

Has no other sound

Tear apart

My flesh

And bone

Sadness

Seeps

Far Heavier

than

Stone

Along my brain

Returning

“Home”

An emptiness

devours

All feelings

I’ve ever known

Hug me tight

Hold me near

Don’t let my

Demons whisper

Through empty

Ears

Right now

I need

Someone to believe

Oh how I wish

It was

You

No instructions needed

No extra parts required

No need for assembly

Or helping hands hired

When a soul becomes broken

And their mortal bodies too small

A chasm opens from inside

Swallowing the very person you knew

whole

Set Scene -

Fireworks

Sparklers

Campfires

Too

The astounding sparks of life

All but fade to glowing embers

In the cascading fall of noon

In the classroom of time

We learn naught of the world

But more so about ourselves

Taught through lessons

Of Contradictions

We learn

That

the universe is infinite

but we are not

That our time is limited

But

we are not

We exist to not exist

and live to die

we are contradictions

of time

and the offspring of

space

But we do what we can

so we aren't all the way erased

Enter Curiosity -

When the universe is so big

But ourselves we feel small

We may ask one another

How can one matter

If we can’t stand up tall

Enter Hope -

But

Fear not for the end

And Instead choose to live

Survive to your best

And embrace life

till the end

Begin Soliloquy -

In a practice they teach

Called Transcendentalism

Yelling carpe diem

From the rooftops

And forget me not

To the soul

Singing

Songs for the poet

And planting

Roses for the sun

Where everything

and nothing

Matters

There simply exists

yourself

In this play of existence

There lives

A verse solely for you

-so take a deep breath-

In brief we speak

I showed you my constellations and you marveled at their beauty.

I was both filled with joy and sadness because you saw my scars of stars as beautiful things,

but I wanted you to see how each and every one of them were slowly burning out.

How eventually they'd blink out of existence and make my galaxy pitch black.

I felt torn.

You said you loved the stars like a child loves their mother and that you felt their burning passion as your own, but never did you say you loved my galaxy.

You are an astounding and adventurous astronaut.

You've traveled far and wide across the universe, finding wonder after wonder.

You've seen stars and galaxies be born and also die.

As time stretched on your love for space grew past infinity.

You were unstoppable.

And yet somehow you stumbled across my insignificant corner of the universe, and for a reason that still leaves me dumbstruck, you stayed.

What am I in comparison to the milky way.

I have no one looking for me through fancy telescopes, or satellites orbiting my sun.

There's flaws in the very particles of my being, and quite likely black holes in my heart.

So again I am torn between love and self hate.

You are one of a kind, so special that all the suns in the entire universe can't outshine you. Sometimes your smile blinds me, and I forget for an instant about what I am.

For merely an instant, I can dream of running away with you to the most outer edges.

But then I remember.

You are an astronaut who can fly through the stars, while I am only just a simple galaxy.

When all my stars burn out or my black holes consume me, you will move on.

As you've done before.

You've seen stars form, and galaxies die, but never have you noticed how my star system spins for you.

You've got my heart in an orbit around you, but it's just not enough.

One day I fear you'll get sick of me and go adventuring again.

Or perhaps you'll be the one to destroy me completely.

I see the end like a supernova. Bits of time, space and soul collide together as you fly off to another galaxy.

Maybe that one will steal your heart like I couldn't,

--Start--

useless

sad

and tired too

feeling lower

than gum

on the bottom

of my shoe

it's so wrong

yet feels so right

that my soul has fallen

and my throat is too tight

sad is normal

and joy is brief

warped emotions

of self caused grief

what I want is sleep

what I need is rest

to earn my keep

everyday is a test

so forgive me again

and pity me once more

as I sink back into the ocean

sliding further away from shore

our lives are brief

as such the humans live

but in brief we speak

And begin again

--End--

Free verse poem

Sometimes I just hate myself

I really really do

Sometimes I want to kill myself

But then I think of you

From laughing lips

To tear stained face

Naughty trips

and our secret place

The way you yelled

The way you cried

How we made it through

to the other side

The vows we made

and stories we wrote

The price we paid

And the adventures we told

To the Moon and Mars

And Mercury

You held my world and stars

and universe

Through time and space

you promised me

Another chance

another day

Another place

where I could stay

You were my home

you were my light

the reason to live

and the reason to fight

But then one day

one windy day

You ripped like paper

and flew away

Out of reach

and out of time

You left me hanging

like laundry to dry

I cried for days

and mourned for months

The months turned to years

And years to dust

There was nothing left

but my broken trust.

Sometimes I hate myself

I really really do

Sometimes I want to kill myself

but then I think of you

of how you said

one drunken night

how I was an angel

who couldn't fly

and how you too had come

from the place in the sky

You said you too

had forgotten how to work

Then you said that you loved me

and that was enough.

I helped you recover

and you helped me survive

you told me a secret

then told me not to tell

but I'll always remember

how you explained it so well

the universe is infinite

but we are not

our time is limited

and we are not

We exist to not exist

and live to die

we are contradictions

of time

and the offspring of

space

But we do what we can

so we aren't all the way erased

So I'll hate myself

and want to die

but I'll fight it all

until I too can fly.

then maybe one day

I can see you again

And we can roam the infinitives

--Start--

I think it's safe to say

self hate is more poisonous

than acid rain

for at least the rain is gentle

as it quietly hides your tears.

While rain is cold,

HATE

is pitch black and freezing.

In rain I hide

under supportive umbrellas,

while from hate I grow,

more sorrow and grief.

On a rainy day

I see a soggy soul

that's drowning

yet again.

In the mirror

I see only disgust

and a monster in hiding.

For while rain soaks the skin,

hate seeps from the heart.

--End--

3/7/16

--Begin--

Am I suffering more than you?

That I may never know

For I feared you were slowly dying

and there was nothing I could do

I was standing out so far

trying desperately to hold onto you

like a kite in the wind

you got tossed all around

I was barely hanging on

by your threadbare tail

as thunder clapped

and lightning struck

the whole sky flashed

and our world was set on fire

The flames licked your sides

and heat burned my hands

I was crying and screaming

and cursing the wind

For I could not catch you

as you slowly drifted down

Your string had been broken

like a rope pulled too tight

and I could only watch

as you danced out of sight

----

Your parents were distraught

and your friends in disbelief too

when they learned that you left

saying you had nothing to lose

Darling you were wrong

but it's too late now

what you had to lose

is now very lost

because we who remain

are in agony and pain

we love you so much

but our love just wasn't enough

you decided to leave

and made me watch you burn

So if this is not the pain you felt

I can only wonder what was

for I now am drowning

from the guilt of my inability

to save you

-----

So if you see me from heaven

please understand why

I can not at this time

join you right away

for I know both pains

of loss and labor

and the conflict between

leaving and being left behind

so without much left to say

Except see you one day

"On pain of loss

All men depart"

--END--

Start Draft 10:10 PM

-Start-

help me I'm drowning

in my own disgusting pity hole

it's dark and gloomy

and very slowly eating my soul

I'm sad

and angry

and very guilty too

I'm stuck inside myself

looking in from an outside view

I yell my anger

through stupid regretful words

but my mind is still reeling

over the painful truths I've heard

My faults are but my own

but my effort is neither lacking

more anger from anything shown

these truths piling up and stacking

-------

someone please tell me when

my best was not enough

when I grew so weak

and could no longer be tough

------

I'm running out of words

and running out of time

as my vision is blurred

and I can't keep rhyme

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

to everyone I know

my ugly is spreading

and you're watching the show

as my thoughts keep getting darker

and my spirit sinking low

I hope one day if I'm no longer here

someone will find this and understand

the thoughts that haunt me

and float across my head

I've made so many mistakes

and have so many regrets

but I'm struggling with my hate

and trying to pay my long due debts

-End-

Beneath my bare feet

playful grass tickles my toes

The sweet scent of evening

makes me crinkle my nose

An aged swing beckons

with frayed yellow rope

Calling to me

it’s one last hope

My throne is cold

but my heart feels warm

As the stars sneak out

and constellations form

Slowly I lean back

and my world starts to move

The cherry trees sway

in a melodic groove

I see the sky

the galaxy too

How it came to be

I haven’t a clue

But

Up above

my world so high

I’m leaning back