We lost another baby 12/17/2021. Half the time I feel numb, kind of dead inside and the other half I want to scream. It is incredibly unfair to have a body that betrays you at every possible chance it gets. I did everything I was supposed to, suffered through the worst morning sickness, had my cervix surgically sewed shut.. all for none of it to matter and only leave the hospital with a memory box.. again. He was so perfect. He didn’t deserve this. We so wanted to bring him home. I miss him all the time and I hate that my body did this.
So now we’re left with the pieces to pick up. I am so incredibly grateful to have our four year old at home as a distraction. He is getting me through. We lost Simon Friday night and spent the weekend doing nothing besides mourning and hanging with Felix. Monday hit me hard. Having to go back to the normal day to day hurts so much. Just kinda feels like the world has continued on and we’re here in this hell suffering.
My brain never stops, so I’ve been trying to distract myself by researching everything I can for us moving forward. We were highly considering surrogacy, but the expense is just too much, so I will probably have a trans abdominal cerclage put in so we can try for another child. It is a major procedure which scares me, but at this point I will do anything to avoid feeling this way again. I have an appointment next Wednesday with my amazing and compassionate doctor to get checked up and talk about our next steps.
I want so badly to still be pregnant. To still feel him moving inside of me. To be his mom.
