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Another descendants wicked wonderland incorrect quotes
My fav polycule as always (Bridget/Ella/Christopher/Maddox) and later on the wonderland rescue squad, beware some are nswf in both cases
---
Maddox: I truly believe that water can solve all your problems.
Charming: Weight loss? Drink water.
Ella: Clear skin? Drink water.
Bridget: Want to get rid of someone? Drown them.
---
Charming: about Bridget and Maddox They make a cute couple, huh?
Ella: They certainly are standing next to each other.
---
Ella: Time sensitive question how flirt boy.
Charming: Throw rocks at he.
Maddox: Hot Dogs.
Bridget: Kill him.
Ella: Thanks guys.
---
Charming: Truth or dare?
Bridget: Dare.
Charming: I dare you to kiss the hottest person in the room.
Bridget: Hey Maddox?
Maddox, blushing: Yeah?
Bridget: Can you move? I'm trying to get to Ella.
---
Bridget: I love you.
Ella: I love you too. I've waited so long to hear you say that.
Bridget and Ella kiss passionately
Charming, to Maddox: You owe me 20 dollars.
---
Ella: Subs are so fun to play with. All you have to do is hint at what you might do, back them into a corner with a look, or grab their wrist in a certain way and they're a wide-eyed mess.
Maddox: What the fuck kind of Subway are you going to?
Bridget: Substitute teachers deal with so much shit.
Charming: Guys.
---
Ella: I never said I was gonna get back together with her. But I was thinking, she's in town, would it be the worst thing in the world if I gave her a call?
Maddox: No. No, Ella, it wouldnāt be the worst thing in the world. It would be the fourth worst thing. Number one: a super volcano. Number two: an asteroid hits the Earth. Number three: All the Evel Knievel movies are lost. Number four: Ella calls Bridget. Number five: Charming gets eaten by a shark.
Charming: Iām Charming, and I approve the order of that list.
---
Trying to cheer Bridget after a break up
Maddox: You broke up with Ella for a reason.
Bridget: I know, I know. Iām just so tired of missing her. Tired of wondering why she hasn't called. Why hasen't she called?
Maddox: Maybe because you told her not to.
Bridget: What are you, the Memory Person?
---
And now for a part of the Wonderland rescue squad!
Chloe: Youāre a loose cannon, Red.
Red: No, Iām not. Iām a cannon, maybe, but a loose cannon? Is that what you think of me?
Pink: I think you play by your own rules.
Hazel: No way, they think rules were made to be broken.
Chloe: Those are all attributes of a loose cannon.
Red: No, Iām just a reckless renegade. Max is a loose cannon.
Max: smashes a chair Aah! You shut your trap, Red!
Hazel: Iād say Maxās more of a cop on the edge with nothing to lose. Thatās an entirely different thing.
Pink: Now Iām just confused. Is Red a loose cannon or not?
Chloe: All right, put on a pot of coffee. Weāre gonna get to the bottom of this.
Red: groans
Max: Aw, man.
---
Red: God, if only someone loved meā¦
Max: standing behind her with roses
Chloe: holding box of chocolates
Hazel: has balloons and a card
Pink: facepalms This is sad.
---
Red, about Hazel and Chloe: My god, would you two just get a room already?
Chloe: Excuse me, Red?
Red: You both just keep agreeing about horrifying things and relishing everybody else's misery. So seriously, when's the wedding?
Hazel: ā¦
Pink: I ship it!
Max: CAN YOU NOT?
---
Hazel: If you put a milkshake in one yard and crack open a cold one in another yard, which yard would the boys go to?
Pink: Schrƶdinger's boys.
Max: FUCK!
Red: What about cracking open a cold milkshake?
Chloe: As we all know, the milkshake brings the boys to the yard. The presence of the boys is a prerequisite for the cracking open of a cold one, but cold ones do not have any inherent boy-attracting abilities. Milkshakes, however, do.
Chloe: All else being equal, the boys would proceed to the milkshake yard. While it is possible to announce the presence of cold ones in the hope of attracting some boys, the pull of the milkshake is much more powerful by comparison.
Hazel: ā¦
Pink: ā¦
Max: ā¦
Red: ā¦
Chloe: Mind you, all of this nonsense hinges on whether or not the boys are back in town.
---
Chloe: Unfollow me if you think the Earth is flat.
Max: *seriously pretends to be a flat-earther to antagonize the anti-flat-earther.
Pink: *neutral but makes polls to start fights, "Is the Earth flat? Let's discuss!"*
Hazel: not a flat-earther but makes "the Earth may be flat but this ass ain't" jokes for viral tweets.
Red: actual flat-earther.
---
Chloe: I'm going to be an adult in 2 years and I only have a vague idea of what I'm going to do.
Max: Iām gonna be an adult in less than a year and I donāt know what Iām doing with my life.
Red: I'm with you thereā¦
Hazel: I'm an adult and I don't know what I'm doing with my life.
Pink: Three types of people.
---
Chloe: visiting the squad Hello, I just came to-
Chloe: sees Red shoving Pink into the washing machine while Max records and Hazel watches
Chloe: retreating Something suddenly came up.
---
Red: Time for plan G.
Chloe: Donāt you mean plan B?
Red: No, we tried plan B a long time ago. I had to skip over plan C due to technical difficulties.
Pink: What about plan D?
Red: Plan D was that desperate disguise attempt half an hour ago.
Hazel: What about plan E?
Red: Iām hoping not to use it. Max dies in plan E.
Max: I like plan E.
---
Max: Plants have feelings too?! What is this? Now I can't have food!
Pink: You can eat a rock.
Red: Air.
Chloe: The fabric of time and space.
Hazel: Chugging a bottle of bleach can solve all your problems.
Max: You guys are not helpful.
---
Pink: Why isnāt the statue smirking at me?
Max: It isnāt smirking at anyone, theyāre all just imagining it.
Red: Three of us saw it, Max. How do you explain that?
Max: points at Hazel Sleep deprivation. points at Red Paranoia. points at Chloe Delusional personality disorder.
---
Max: Ah, yes. Here we have a beautiful coupleā¦
Hazel: I really care about your feelings!
Pink: I really care about YOUR feelings!
Max, turning his head: ā¦and then there's the disaster coupleā¦
Red: YOU NEED TO PAY MORE ATTENTION TO ME INSTEAD OF BEING AT THE HOSPITAL!
Chloe: I WOULDN'T HAVE TO SPEND SO MUCH TIME AT THE HOSPITAL IF YOU STOPPED INSISTING ON FIGHTING EVERYONE WHO COMES WITHIN A FIVE FOOT RADIUS OF YOU!
---
Chloe: Mice are having sex in my walls.
Pink: Tattletale!
Hazel: You're just being ungrateful.
Max: It's their home too, you know.
Red: So what? Don't slutshame them.
Chloe: The mice are fucking AND now I'm getting heckled.
(even funnier if you remember that considering Ella could talk to mices, Chloe probably can too)
---
Pink: Hey, what have you two been doing?
Max: we were helping Chloe with their wedding vows and we were kicked out of their house for making it inappropriate.
Hazel: How is āNice ass, Redā inappropriate?
---
Chloe: There's no meeting today because Max is at the police station.
Pink: He's in jail?!
Hazel: We have to get him out!
Red: Jailbreak! I'm in!
Hazel: I'll dress up and distract the guard!
Pink: Ooh, I'll bake some food to help distract ALL the guards!
Red: I guess I could bring my frying pan in case we need a shield to keep us from being shot-
Chloe: No! Max wasn't arrested! He's undercover, taking the system down from the inside. He doesn't need our help!
---
Red: You know what I learned from my friendship with Chloe?
Pink: Thereās no such thing as too mean?
Hazel: Never let your friends know for sure if you like them?
Max: Always hold a grudge?
---
Hazel: All right, y'all! Let's take a vote!
Max: A secret vote. Everyone close your eyes.
the Squad closes their eyes
Chloe: We don't see the result!
Max: Well, just say your vote out loud.
Red: Won't we recognize each other's voices?
Pink: Hazel has a point.
---
Max: Who the fuck broke the toaster?
Pink: It was Red.
Hazel: It was Red.
Chloe: Red broke it.
Red:
Red: ā¦yOU PROMISED-
---
Red, singing: I donāt want a lot for Christmas, there is just one thing I needā
Max: A loving family.
Hazel: A better love life.
Pink: Mental stability.
Chloe: clueless Bagels?
---
The Squad's cooking skills
Pink: master chef
Chloe: knows a few recipes
Red: can follow instructions on a box
Hazel: made toast once
Max: banned from the kitchen
---
Chloe: Why aren't there friend pick up lines? Pick up lines to make friends like-
Chloe, to Red: Hey, that's a cute outfit. You know where it would look better? On nobody else, because you're a beautiful individual.
Hazel, to Max: Be my friend or I'll set your entire family on fire.
Pink: There are two types of people.
---
Red: Hey, how did my phone break?
Hazel: You were drunk yesterday.
Red: And?
Pink: You threw it.
Red: Why?
Chloe: You turned on airplane mode and kept screaming āFLY DAMN YOU!ā
Red: And why didnāt you stop me?!
Max: We were busy laughing our asses off.
---
Red: Guys, Iāve been meaning to tell you⦠Chloe and I are dating.
Chloe, Hazel, Pink, and Max: gasp
Red: Chloe, why are you surprised?!
---
Pink: So oxygen went on a date with potassium, it went⦠OK.
Max: I thought oxygen was dating magnesium, OMG.
Pink: Actually oxygen first asked nitrogen out, but nitrogen was all like NO.
Chloe I thought oxygen had that double bond with the hydrogen twins.
Red: Looks like someone's a HO.
Max: NaBrO.
Hazel: I'm done with all of you!
---
Chloe: Anyone d-
Hazel: Depressed?
Pink: Drained?
Red: Dumb?
Max: Disliked?
Chloe: -done with their work⦠what is wrong with you peopleā¦
---
Hazel: Red, I know you snuck out to see Chloe last night.
Red: If you tell Pink or Max, I swear Iāll murder you, and theyāll never find the body.
Hazel: Five bucks?
Red: Fine.
---
The gang's thoughts on stabbing
Pink: Would never stab anyone.
Nice!Chloe: Would stab someone in retaliation.
Red: Yells "I won't hesitate, bitch!" first.
Hazel: Would stab without warning.
Evil!Chloe: Would stab as a warning.
(have you guys seen Evil!Chloe and her dagger?? If descendants wasn't kid friendly she would have definitely stabbed someone)
---
the squad is at a dinner party but someone has been murdered
Evil!Chloe: Youāre acting pretty carefree for someone whoās lifeās at stake. Whoās to say you arenāt the killer?
Hazel: Itās a murder, not a tax audit. Iāll be fine.
Max: What about Pink? Nobody ever suspects Pink!
Pink: Well what about Red? She has a gun!
Red: Chloe has a knife.
Evil!Chloe: Yeah, for fun, not for murder! stabs Max in the arm
---
Pink: Good morning.
Red: Good morning.
Chloe: Good morning.
Hazel: You all sound like robots, try spicing it up a bit.
Max: MORNING MOTHERFUCKERS!
---
Hazel: Which one of you was going to tell me that tea tastes different if you put it in hot water??
Chloe: Y- you were putting it in cold water??
Red: Hazel. Answer the question, Hazel.
Hazel: Yeah??? I thought people just put it in hot water to speed up the tea-ification process. didn't realize there was an actual reason.
Hazel: Plus you think I have the patience to boil water?
Max: You don't have the patience to microwave water for 3 minutes??
Red: Why are you putting it in the microwave to boil it?
Max: Do you think I have the patience to boil water on the stove?
Red: It takes less than a minute.
Max: Is your stovetop powered by the fucking sun???
Red: How long does it take you to boil a cup of water on the stove?
Max: Like seven minutes??
Chloe: Just stick the mug on top of the stove on medium heat and it boils in like 2 minutes⦠less than that if you use a saucepan!
Red: Why are you putting the whole mug on the stove?? On medium heat?? Chloe? Your stove is enchanted!
Hazel: Every single person here is a fucking lunatic.
Pink: Do none of you own a fucking kettle?!
---
Chloe: Red is late again.
Hazel: How did this happen? I called them at 8 oāclock this morning and pretended it was 11.
Max: I printed up a fake schedule for them saying we were starting at 9 instead of noon.
Pink: I set their clock to say PM when itās really AM.
Chloe: Oh boy. We may have overdone it.
Red bursts through the door
Red: WHAT TIME IS IT?
---
Chloe: Hey, can we stay in your dorm tonight?
Max: Why?
Chloe: Hazel fiddled with an ouija board and cursed ours.
Pink: Red doesn't know how to banish spirits, so she just threw salt at them and yelled "DOES THIS LOOK LIKE A HOTEL TO YOU?!"
---
Hazel: What makes you all smile?
Pink: Friends and Family.
Max: Snacks.
Chloe: Victory and success.
Red: Face muscles.
---
Pink: Iāve done a lot of dumb stuff.
Hazel: I witnessed the dumb stuff.
Max: I recorded the dumb stuff.
Red: I joined you in the dumb stuff.
Chloe: I TRIED TO STOP YOU FROM DOING THE DUMB STUFF!
---
Pink: What's the scariest horror movie you've ever watched?
Chloe: IT.
Hazel: Annabelle.
Red: Paranormal Activity.
Max: High School Musical. All throughout high school I was scared that everyone was gonna randomly get up and start singing and dancing, and I would be the only one who doesn't know the words.
---
Max: What did you guys get in your yearbook?
Hazel: 'Prettiest Smile'
Pink: 'Nicest Personality'
Red: 'Most likely to start a bar fight'
Chloe: 'Least likely to start a bar fight, but most likely to win one'
---
Hazel: Are oranges named orange because oranges are orange or is orange called orange because oranges are orange?
Max: Which came first, the orange or the orange?
Chloe: Orange was first used to refer the fruit 1280 years ago but was not used as a color until 1000 years ago.
Red: What was the color called before then?
Pink: There was no color, duh! Everything was black and white!
---
Pink: You really put aside everything and came all this way for me? How did you even get here so fast?
Max: Several traffic violations.
Hazel: Three counts of resisting arrest.
Chloe: Roughly thirteen cans of energy drinks.
Red: Also, thatās not our car.
---
Pink: What do rainbows mean to you?
Red: Gay rights.
Hazel: There's money.
Chloe: The sign of God's promise to never destroy the whole Earth with a flood.
Max: It is an optical phenomenon that separates sunlight into its continuous spectrum when the sun shines on raindrops.
(Out of all of the characters, I feel like if one of them was a christian, it would be Chloe, even across other HK, she just has the vibe you know? at least at first)
---
Red: What's the worst thing you guys have done?
Pink: Rickrolled my teacher in 4th grade.
Max: I kicked Chloe in the shin-
Chloe: -So I kicked Max between the legs.
Hazel: I burned a town down.
Red: What?!
Chloe: What the hell is wrong with you?!?
Hazel: A lot of things.
Max: No shit.
---
Chloe: Uh, Red? Pink is in the pool and I don't think she's waterproof.
Red: What?
Hazel: I think she meant, Pink is drowning.
Red: WHAT?!
Meanwhile
Pink: is drowning
Max: OH MY GOD, Pink! KEEP SWIMMING!
Pink: I can't swim, dumbassā sinks
Max: PINK!
---
Red: A mouse!
Hazel, pulling out a knife: Go back to where you came from or I'll stab you.
Max, pulling out a frying pan: It'll make a nice meal!
Chloe, giving the mouse cheese: You deserve a treat, little guy.
Pink, gasping: It's Ratatouille!
LuƬs: His name is Remi, dummy.
Red: ā¦I was going to say to just trap it and throw it out the window⦠what is wrong with you people.
---
Squad reactions to being called straight:
Red: The fuck, no I'm not.
Hazel: Excuse the hell out of you?
Chloe: Ding dong, you are wrong!
Pink: Who told you that? And why did they lie?
LuƬs: Rude.
Max: punches the person
---
LuƬs: If you bite it and you die, it's poisonous. If it bites you and you die, it's venomous.
Pink: What if it bites me and it dies?!
LuƬs: Then you're poisonous. Jesus Christ, Pink, learn to listen.
Max: What if it bites itself and I die?
LuƬs: That's voodoo.
Hazel: What if it bites me and someone else dies?
LuƬs: That's correlation, not causation.
Red: What if we bite each other and neither of us die?
LuƬs: That's kinky.
Chloe: Oh my god.
---
Pink: If you had too, what would you give up food or sex?
Chloe: Sex.
Hazel: Seriously, answer faster.
Chloe: Iām sorry honey, when they said sex I wasnāt thinking about sex with you.
Hazel: Itās like a giant hug.
Pink: Max, what about you? What would you give up sex or food?
Max: Food.
Pink: Okay, how about sex or dinosaurs?
Max: Oh my God itās like the movie Sophieās Choice.
LuƬs: What about you Red? What would you give up sex or food?
Red: Oh⦠um⦠I donāt know, itās too hard.
LuƬs: No, you gotta pick one.
Red: Um, food⦠no, sex⦠no, food⦠sex⦠food. Ugh! I donāt know! I want both! I- I want hot people on bread!
---
after the Squad has been separated for a few years
Hazel: So what have you been up to recently?
Max: Leading a revolution with LuƬs.
Hazel: Good for you two! Me, I've joined the mob.
Max: nods Oh, how cool! That's awesome!
Hazel: I know! Anyway, have you heard from the others? Red?
Max: Happily living as a hermit in the woods. Chloe?
Hazel: Wrongfully locked up in an asylum, which reminds me, we need to break her out later. Pink?
Max: Cult leader.
Hazel: Yeah, that sounds about right.
---
Hazel: Fine! Judge all you want butā¦
Hazel, points at Max: Married a lesbian. (Chloe)
Hazel, points at Pink: Left a man at the altar.
Hazel, points at LuƬs: Fell in love with a gay ice dancer. (Max)
Hazel, points at Chloe: Threw a manās wooden leg in a fire. (James Hook leg)
Hazel, points at Red: Lives in a box!
---
LuƬs: Just be yourself.
Red: Really? LuƬs, I have one day to win over Chloeās parents.
Red: How long did it take for you guys to like me?
Pink: Couple of weeks.
Hazel: Six months.
Max: Juryās still out.
Red: See LuƬs? āJust be yourself,ā what kind of garbage advice is that?!
---
Red, walking into her house: Hello, people who do not live here.
Chloe: Hey.
Max: Hi.
Hazel: Hello.
LuƬs: Hey!
Red: I gave you the key to my place for emergencies only!
Pink: We were out of Doritos.
---
Red: From now on we will be using code names.
Red: You can address me as Eagle One.
Red: LuƬs is ābeen there done thatā.
Red: Chloe is ācurrently doing thatā.
Red: Hazel is āit happened once in a dreamā.
Red: Max is āif I had to pick a Wonderlandianā.
LuƬs: How much you wanna bet Chloe got a Lap dance from Red?
Hazel: If that happened, Max can drink free tonight.
Max: As much as I love the thought of having free drinks I don't like the idea of Chloe receiving a Lap dance from someone other than me.
LuƬs: Hey Red, did you give Chloe a lap dance?
Red: So what if I did?
LuƬs, to Hazel: I guess Max is drinking free tonight.
Red: Be right back, I'm gonna go cry-
Chloe, entering the room: What the f-
---
Chloe: Iāll speak French between your legs~
Hazel: HOTTEST THING I HAVE EVER BEEN TOLD-
Max, containing their laughter: I can just imagine someone saying ābonjourā to a penis-
Felix: BONJOUR MADEMOISELLE VAGINA, HON HON TITTY CROISSANT!
LuƬs: Titty croissant!?
Red: None of you should ever be having sex-
---
Chloe: Hazel kissed me!
LuƬs: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!
Chloe: It was unbelievable!
LuƬs: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!
Pink: Okay, we wanna hear everything. LuƬs, get the wine and unplug the phone. Chloe, does this end well or do we need tissues?
Chloe: Oh, it ended very well.
LuƬs: Do not start without me! Do not start without me!
Pink: Okay, alright, letās hear about the kiss. Was it a soft brush against your lips or was it like a, you know, āI gotta have you nowā kind of thing?
Chloe: Well, at first it was really intense, you know? And then, oh God, and then we just sort of sunk into it.
Pink: Ohh⦠So, okay, was sheholding you? Or were her hands on your back?
Chloe: First they started out on my waist and then they slid up and then they were in my hair.
LuƬs and Pink: Ohhh.
meanwhile
Hazel eating pizza in their house: And, uh, and then I kissed her.
Red: Tongue?
Hazel: Yeah.
Max: Cool.
---
Hazel: So, Chloe is late today. Anyone wanna bet why?
Hazel: I say she slipped through the subway grate and is having terrible sex with the mole man.
Max: I don't know about thatā¦I think either her alarm clock didn't go off, or she's in line at the bank.
Red: Take this more seriously! Chloe was clearly taken in her sleep!
Pink: I bet she tucked herself into the bed too tightly and got stuck.
Luìs: Maybe she fell into another dimension where she's more interesting�
Chloe arrives
Chloe: Sorry I'm late - there was a problem at the bank.
Max, clapping their hands in excitement: HOT DAMN!
---
Red, at Chloe: You're my significant other.
Chloe: Yeah I am!
Red, at Pink: You're my child.
Pink Yes boss.
Red, at Hazel: You're my bitch.
Hazel: Yeah I am- wait, what?
Red, at Max: My bestie.
Max: Naturally.
Red at LuƬs: HA, GAY!
LuƬs: Fuck you.
---
Red: If I fallā¦
Chloe: Iāll be there to catch you.
Max: looks at LuƬs What if I fall?
LuƬs: Then Iāll fall with you, never leaving your side.
Robbie: watches these two interactions
Robbie, to Felix: And if I fall?
Felix: Iāll be the one who pushed you.
---
Chloe: My mom is calling⦠hi mom.
Hazel: Come on guys, stop. She's trying to talk to their mom.
Max: loud fake sexual noises
Red: EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP!
LuƬs: is asleep
Pink: gets really close to the phone Tell her I said hi.
---
Hazel: If weāre in trouble, just throw the twins at the problem, and hope for the best.
---
Robbie, hungover: Please tell me I'm imagining that I claimed I was king of the ducks.
Chloe: I would, but then I would be lying to the King of All Ducks.
---
Max: Iām Max. Iām an accountant.
Chloe: Iām Chloe. I have a knife.
---
Chloe: I have yet to encounter a problem where a sword didn't factor into the solution at least in some way.
---
Pink: Be right back, gonna hit the toilet for a quick power sob.
---
Squeaky: Goddamn it, the printer broke while printing out Pink's birthday invitations.
Squirmy: Well, what are they supposed to say?
Squeaky: "Pink's birthday".
Squirmy: So, what do they say instead?
Squeaky: "Pinkās bi".
Squirmy:
Squirmy: Works out either way.
---
Squirmy: Vegetable oil is made from vegetables, coconut oil is made from coconuts, so BABY OIL-
Hazel: CAN'T WE JUST HAVE A NICE FAMILY DINNER FOR ONCE?!
---
Hazel: We should normalize not loving family members.
Chloe: You can just say: āI hate my dumb fuck brotherā or whatever. Talk like a normal person!
---
Robbie: I hate you sometimes.
Felix: Well according to this picture Squirmy drew of us holding hands that's not true.
Robbie: Felix, you drew that.
Felix: It doesn't matter.
---
Pink: Iām so happy two of my favorite people are getting along now.
Squeaky: Uh, LuƬs and Hazel are not getting along.
Pink: Theyāre not trying to kill each other.
Squeaky: You may have a point.
---
Red: They made Pink cry!
LuƬs: Pink always cries!
Pink: That's not true! cries
---
LuƬs: They donāt make them like me no more. Iām the last of my kind.
Chloe: Thank god.
---
LuƬs: casually taking four stairs at a time
Max, falling behind, taking two stairs at a time: Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fu-
---
Red: Go fuck yourself.
Chloe: Come over here and fuck me yourself you coward!
---
Max: I'm gonna need a human skull but you can't ask why.
Pink: Only if you also don't ask why.
Pink: pulls four pristine human skulls out of their bag
Max: ā¦
Max, grabbing a skull: This one will do.
---
Squeaky: Hugs Max from behind
Squeaky: Tucks Max's hair behind their ear
Squeaky, whispering: Eat all the frosted animal crackers again and they'll never find your body.
---
Pink: I need life advice.
Hazel, sipping Gatorade and eating cookie dough: You came to the right person.
---
Robbie: Hey, Felix! Do you wanna go celebrate with me?
Felix: Robbie, you know I can't be seen in public with you.
Robbie: Okay, a simple "no" would be fine.
---
Hazel: Youāre my best friend, I would do anything for you.
Felix: I want you to eat 3 meals a day and have a decent sleep schedule.
Hazel: Absolutely not.
---
Bridget in the 'beyond the isle of the lost' book
Bridget: Red, whereās your report card?
Red: My friends stole it from me at school, so now I donāt have it anymore.
Bridget: Do you think Iām stupid enough to believe that lie?
Red: What lie?
Bridget: That you have friends.
---
Red: Know why I called you in here?
Chloe: Because I accidentally sent you a nude pic.
Red: Stops pouring two glasses of wine. Accidentally?
---
Max: So⦠Iāve seen youāve been spending a lot of time with Chloe recently.
Red: No, Max, it's not what it looks like, I swear.
Max: Oh really? So no reason for me to be jealous?
Red: No! Youāre the only one for me.
Max: Is that so?
Red: I promise! Chloe and I are just dating, okay? She's my girlfriend.
Max: So there are no best-friends-feelings involved?
Red: You are still my one and only best friend! She's just the love of my life, nothing more!
Max: But Iām still the platonic love of your life, right?
Red: Of course bro!
Max: Broā¦
Chloe: What the-
---
LuƬs: May luck (and this picture of Hazel eating shredded cheese at 3 in the morning) be with you.
---
Hazel: I'll offer you some friendly advice-
Max: I don't want your advice.
Hazel: Well, then consider it unfriendly advice.
---
Robbie: We both look very handsome tonight.
Felix: You know, if you'd just said that I looked handsome, I would have said, "So do you."
Robbie: I couldn't take that chance.
---
Pink: What, I canāt be in a bad mood? Itās like people think, āOh, Pink is such a nice person, Pink is so happy-go-lucky! Pink canāt be in a bad mood!ā Well, you know what? Pink CAN be in a bad mood. And right now, Pink IS be in a bad mood.
---
Squirmy, looking over Robbieās shoulder: You can draw?
Robbie, stopping what they were doing: You can speak?
---
Red: I keep a picture of all of us in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties, I take it out and stare at the picture.
The Squad: Awwww-
Red: And I tell myself "If I can deal with these idiots, then I can deal with anything."
The Squad: Oh.
---
Felix: How would you like your coffee?
Pink: As dark as my soul.
Felix: Got it, one cup of milk coming right up!
---
Red: Iām 80% awesome 20% water and 100% handsome.
Robbie: Thatās 200%.
Red: Iām twice the man youāll ever be.
---
Felix: Honestly, I am so evil. So full of darkness. I feed of the souls of the living I strike fear into-
Robbie: You sleep with a teddybear.
Felix: Heās my sECOND IN COMMAND IN MY ARMY OF DARKNESS!
---
Max: I just found out from Squeaky today that when Red faked her death and the service did the 21-gun salute at their funeral, Squirmy said, āThey should aim at the coffin to be sure.ā
---
LuƬs: Hey, random question, what are your favorite flowers?
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god god god more talk about the web between annabeth and luke and percy and thalia and grover please. our titan war era characters who were so intricately connected that it's hard to believe that most of the characters from the giant war era won't even know who luke is. annabeth and thalia and luke, the original found family who bonded over being three ruffian runaways. 7 year old annabeth clinging to them because they're the only parental figures she's ever had, thalia clinging to her as a stand-in for jason, the other small blonde kid whos memory she had to leave behind in california. luke watching out for annabeth because that used to be him, small kid with yellow curls in PJs, fighting off monsters with sheer desperation. and then luke holding on to thalia because she's the only person he had ever had for himself, Thalia who inexplicably loves him for no apparent reason (they doesn't know yet that like annabeth, he looks a lot like the little boy she gave up for the wolves years ago), and the three of are just a family on the run.
then grover pops along and he's just a little satyr on his first seeker's mission, a runt not expecting to find anyone, much less a daughter of Zeus. and luke and thalia are suspicious at first but annabeth seems to like him so he ends up passing their approval and just like that they have a. goofy little friend for annabeth because to be completely honest he's probably mentally her age and anyways when they get to camp thalia is going to kick whatever dumb council satyr's ass decided to send him out into the big wide world when he's just so. s m a l l. doesn't matter if he's the same age as the other satyrs he's taking longer to mature and he needs more TIME and he's part of the family now. their adopted little nature-magicky kid.
then they arrive at camp. hades' monsters send thalia to near death, zeus has to turn her to a fucking pine tree to keep her spirit barely alive, on the verge of death, trapped inside in the hopes that somebody will someday wake her up. except zeus explains this to No One so everyone thinks that thalia is truly dead and suddenly luke and annabeth aren't quite as close as they used to be and grover is holding the pieces of what used to be the Four of Them. and then percy pops in. the only big three kid at camp. he looks a lot like thalia and acts a lot like thalia and maybe that's why when grover is posing as his classmate at Yancy Academy, percy is the kid grover picks to room with because. There's something there. He's too much like her. He Has to be a half-blood. Grover brings percy to camp, immediately his mom is kidnapped by hades for ransom, immediately percy hates this place because the moment he discovered it everything went wrong. which is fine because this place hates him too. annabeth does at least, he reminds her of thalia and she doesn't like that. luke on the other hand is being too nice to him, he doesn't understand why but luke is cool so he rolls with it. grover is acting like nothing is wrong.
then he gets claimed. luke starts acting weird. annabeth is still acting like she hates him but also. she can't help but think. when percy looks miserable sitting alone at his table and clarisse calls him names and nobody wants to be the same swordfighting class as him because they think he has the unfair advantage of magic he doesn't even know how to control yet, she can't help but wonder. would that have been thalia? alone in cabin one. no friends.
no, It wouldn't have been, because thalia would have had her and luke and grover. right now percy only has grover and their friendship from Yancy and luke, who for some reason has apparently decided that he is going to be Percy's Only Demigod Friend at Camp if it fucking kills him. the only person percy doesn't have right now that thalia would have is Her, and she doesn't know what to do about that. she just knows that when percy gets the quest to recover zeus' stolen lighting bolt and rescue his mom on the way, she volunteers. she volunteers. she doesn't know why. they almost die several times but she has made a friend by the end of it and maybe. maybe when the quest is over she can stop seeing him as thalia. start seeing him as his own person. her friend.
the quest finishes. turns out luke was a spy for kronos. he wasn't trying to be friends with percy, he was trying to control him. annabeth doesn't know what to think, grover doesn't know what to think, and nobody knows what percy thinks of it at all because he won't say anything except that he's just angry. and he is. everyone knows that's true. but there's got to be more to it. they'll just never know. he'll never tell. anyways thalia gets resurrected the next year and Chiron goes "oh my god there are Two of Them" and her and percy almost wreck camp a couple of times but at the end of things they are cousins, arent they, and when thalia joins the hunters they hug and maybe. maybe percy knows more of her secrets than luke ever did and maybe he is more of her family than luke ever was because He Earned it. and suddenly there is space for the two of them. seeing them fight shows everyone that they're different. they don't have to be the same thing anymore, The Big Three Kid, they can just be. Percy and Thalia who no longer get compared every other sentence. and grover and annabeth are finally able to breathe because of that except
except there's luke again. there's always luke. luke who gets possessed becomes the body of kronos and suddenly percy realizes. Oh. That was what luke meant. when he said he wanted percy to join him. he didn't just mean he wanted to convince percy to join the titan army. he didn't just want percy to join him. He wanted percy to Be him, because it was never luke who was supposed to be Kronos' body. it was percy. it had always been him and he didn't even know it until he refused and luke had to take his place. if he'd said yes, if he'd said yes when he was thirteen and dumb like luke had wanted him to, it would be him standing on mount tam right now holding a scythe.
luke was his first friend. then he was his first enemy. and now he's not even luke, because percy had wanted to stay Percy, because Percy hadn't wanted to be thalia, the thalia that luke would have make into a living weapon if percy didn't stop her from following him. and everything is messed up now and luke is dead and kronos is dead with him and none of them will ever be the same but also. but also. percy has a new fear because he doesn't have to worry about becoming thalia anymore and he doesn't have to worry about becoming kronos anymore but he does. he does have to worry about becoming luke. and maybe that's why he's just a little odd around octavian who looks eerily like him and a little confused when jason who looks the same says he's thalia's brother and a little scared when he catches himself thinking about luke in tartarus. They will use you, Percy, and you will become like me. He had said something like that once, right? When percy was twelve. and percy remembers it very clearly. he remembers saying i'll never be like you but now he's not so sure. his head hurts and the air is acid and he doesn't he doesn't he doesn't want to be like luke so why is he thinking about what luke said? why does he feel Used?
he will not be like luke. luke was haunted and dark eyed and gaunt in his last days. percy will not be like that. he swears he won't. no matter what happens. he starts stepping back from the quests and shit, half because he's tired, and half because he doesn't want to be that. he doesn't want to be luke looking like a spirit after the millionth bad dream.
but it's okay because! luke is Dead. piper is the only current camper who will ever recognize his name, and that's only because annabeth pointed him out once in an old photograph. and that is fine with all of them.
they won't speak of him. his memory can die in a photograph until he is reborn into a kinder person. and maybe then they can all breathe a little.
god god god more talk about the web between annabeth and luke and percy and thalia and grover please. our titan war era characters who were so intricately connected that it's hard to believe that most of the characters from the giant war era won't even know who luke is. annabeth and thalia and luke, the original found family who bonded over being three ruffian runaways. 7 year old annabeth clinging to them because they're the only parental figures she's ever had, thalia clinging to her as a stand-in for jason, the other small blonde kid whos memory she had to leave behind in california. luke watching out for annabeth because that used to be him, small kid with yellow curls in PJs, fighting off monsters with sheer desperation. and then luke holding on to thalia because she's the only person he had ever had for himself, Thalia who inexplicably loves him for no apparent reason (they doesn't know yet that like annabeth, he looks a lot like the little boy she gave up for the wolves years ago), and the three of are just a family on the run.
then grover pops along and he's just a little satyr on his first seeker's mission, a runt not expecting to find anyone, much less a daughter of Zeus. and luke and thalia are suspicious at first but annabeth seems to like him so he ends up passing their approval and just like that they have a. goofy little friend for annabeth because to be completely honest he's probably mentally her age and anyways when they get to camp thalia is going to kick whatever dumb council satyr's ass decided to send him out into the big wide world when he's just so. s m a l l. doesn't matter if he's the same age as the other satyrs he's taking longer to mature and he needs more TIME and he's part of the family now. their adopted little nature-magicky kid.
then they arrive at camp. hades' monsters send thalia to near death, zeus has to turn her to a fucking pine tree to keep her spirit barely alive, on the verge of death, trapped inside in the hopes that somebody will someday wake her up. except zeus explains this to No One so everyone thinks that thalia is truly dead and suddenly luke and annabeth aren't quite as close as they used to be and grover is holding the pieces of what used to be the Four of Them. and then percy pops in. the only big three kid at camp. he looks a lot like thalia and acts a lot like thalia and maybe that's why when grover is posing as his classmate at Yancy Academy, percy is the kid grover picks to room with because. There's something there. He's too much like her. He Has to be a half-blood. Grover brings percy to camp, immediately his mom is kidnapped by hades for ransom, immediately percy hates this place because the moment he discovered it everything went wrong. which is fine because this place hates him too. annabeth does at least, he reminds her of thalia and she doesn't like that. luke on the other hand is being too nice to him, he doesn't understand why but luke is cool so he rolls with it. grover is acting like nothing is wrong.
then he gets claimed. luke starts acting weird. annabeth is still acting like she hates him but also. she can't help but think. when percy looks miserable sitting alone at his table and clarisse calls him names and nobody wants to be the same swordfighting class as him because they think he has the unfair advantage of magic he doesn't even know how to control yet, she can't help but wonder. would that have been thalia? alone in cabin one. no friends.
no, It wouldn't have been, because thalia would have had her and luke and grover. right now percy only has grover and their friendship from Yancy and luke, who for some reason has apparently decided that he is going to be Percy's Only Demigod Friend at Camp if it fucking kills him. the only person percy doesn't have right now that thalia would have is Her, and she doesn't know what to do about that. she just knows that when percy gets the quest to recover zeus' stolen lighting bolt and rescue his mom on the way, she volunteers. she volunteers. she doesn't know why. they almost die several times but she has made a friend by the end of it and maybe. maybe when the quest is over she can stop seeing him as thalia. start seeing him as his own person. her friend.
the quest finishes. turns out luke was a spy for kronos. he wasn't trying to be friends with percy, he was trying to control him. annabeth doesn't know what to think, grover doesn't know what to think, and nobody knows what percy thinks of it at all because he won't say anything except that he's just angry. and he is. everyone knows that's true. but there's got to be more to it. they'll just never know. he'll never tell. anyways thalia gets resurrected the next year and Chiron goes "oh my god there are Two of Them" and her and percy almost wreck camp a couple of times but at the end of things they are cousins, arent they, and when thalia joins the hunters they hug and maybe. maybe percy knows more of her secrets than luke ever did and maybe he is more of her family than luke ever was because He Earned it. and suddenly there is space for the two of them. seeing them fight shows everyone that they're different. they don't have to be the same thing anymore, The Big Three Kid, they can just be. Percy and Thalia who no longer get compared every other sentence. and grover and annabeth are finally able to breathe because of that except
except there's luke again. there's always luke. luke who gets possessed becomes the body of kronos and suddenly percy realizes. Oh. That was what luke meant. when he said he wanted percy to join him. he didn't just mean he wanted to convince percy to join the titan army. he didn't just want percy to join him. He wanted percy to Be him, because it was never luke who was supposed to be Kronos' body. it was percy. it had always been him and he didn't even know it until he refused and luke had to take his place. if he'd said yes, if he'd said yes when he was thirteen and dumb like luke had wanted him to, it would be him standing on mount tam right now holding a scythe.
luke was his first friend. then he was his first enemy. and now he's not even luke, because percy had wanted to stay Percy, because Percy hadn't wanted to be thalia, the thalia that luke would have make into a living weapon if percy didn't stop her from following him. and everything is messed up now and luke is dead and kronos is dead with him and none of them will ever be the same but also. but also. percy has a new fear because he doesn't have to worry about becoming thalia anymore and he doesn't have to worry about becoming kronos anymore but he does. he does have to worry about becoming luke. and maybe that's why he's just a little odd around octavian who looks eerily like him and a little confused when jason who looks the same says he's thalia's brother and a little scared when he catches himself thinking about luke in tartarus. They will use you, Percy, and you will become like me. He had said something like that once, right? When percy was twelve. and percy remembers it very clearly. he remembers saying i'll never be like you but now he's not so sure. his head hurts and the air is acid and he doesn't he doesn't he doesn't want to be like luke so why is he thinking about what luke said? why does he feel Used?
he will not be like luke. luke was haunted and dark eyed and gaunt in his last days. percy will not be like that. he swears he won't. no matter what happens. he starts stepping back from the quests and shit, half because he's tired, and half because he doesn't want to be that. he doesn't want to be luke looking like a spirit after the millionth bad dream.
but it's okay because! luke is Dead. piper is the only current camper who will ever recognize his name, and that's only because annabeth pointed him out once in an old photograph. and that is fine with all of them.
they won't speak of him. his memory can die in a photograph until he is reborn into a kinder person. and maybe then they can all breathe a little.
as an insufferable celestial trio stan, here are all the ways grover could have been incorporated in heroes of olympus (because oh boy, i have THOUGHT about it):
a small dialogue right after the stables scene where percy and annabeth are red in the face that 'grover wouldn't have grounded us' 'i miss grover'
anytime percy has some internal conflict monologue thing? boom! just add in a dream conversation with grover where he talks about it! let grover ask why he feels a panic attack coming from percy after tartarus! let percy try to justify it and fail miserably! let grover feel horrible for not being there in person!
a reunion. i assumed that it was basic common sense to include a reunion but i guess rick just decided to forget grover at the end of blood of olympus. but yeah. crying, hugging, cheering!! we deserve it!!
"piper walked into annabeth's room. it was simply decorated, with a plant garden on the windowsill that annabeth said helped connect her to one of her friends back home, which piper didn't understand" see my vision??
for example if some monster shows up let percy and annabeth storm out of a room like "EXCUSE ME WE WERE BUSY IM-ING GROVER WHAT'S GOING ON??"
to anyone whos ever been mad about how percy treated nico in that one underworld scene
the kid's been running between two Big Three gods' palaces and the State of Connecticut (which he reached by shadow traveling for the first time in his life) in the last 24 hours. his friend died in front of him like yesterday, he received a death prophecy 17ish hours ago, his bestie is missing, his other bestie just called him a coward, he met the supervillain's mom who thought he was her son, he just agreed to taking on a fatal curse because itll make him strong enough to fight kronos. also just lied to his mom about said curse. he hasn't slept in two days and he's skipping beckendorf's funeral to be here, he's 15 turns 16 in a week. unfortunate that nico happened to be the unlucky person in his path but boy did percy have the right to snap
thalia and percy having a bond between each other and full trust in the other because they both dealt with alcoholic abusive parental figures, and them being the only people who truly know what beryl and gabe did to them
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Another descendants wicked wonderland incorrect quotes
My fav polycule as always (Bridget/Ella/Christopher/Maddox) and later on the wonderland rescue squad, beware some are nswf in both cases
---
Maddox: I truly believe that water can solve all your problems.
Charming: Weight loss? Drink water.
Ella: Clear skin? Drink water.
Bridget: Want to get rid of someone? Drown them.
---
Charming: about Bridget and Maddox They make a cute couple, huh?
Ella: They certainly are standing next to each other.
---
Ella: Time sensitive question how flirt boy.
Charming: Throw rocks at he.
Maddox: Hot Dogs.
Bridget: Kill him.
Ella: Thanks guys.
---
Charming: Truth or dare?
Bridget: Dare.
Charming: I dare you to kiss the hottest person in the room.
Bridget: Hey Maddox?
Maddox, blushing: Yeah?
Bridget: Can you move? I'm trying to get to Ella.
---
Bridget: I love you.
Ella: I love you too. I've waited so long to hear you say that.
Bridget and Ella kiss passionately
Charming, to Maddox: You owe me 20 dollars.
---
Ella: Subs are so fun to play with. All you have to do is hint at what you might do, back them into a corner with a look, or grab their wrist in a certain way and they're a wide-eyed mess.
Maddox: What the fuck kind of Subway are you going to?
Bridget: Substitute teachers deal with so much shit.
Charming: Guys.
---
Ella: I never said I was gonna get back together with her. But I was thinking, she's in town, would it be the worst thing in the world if I gave her a call?
Maddox: No. No, Ella, it wouldnāt be the worst thing in the world. It would be the fourth worst thing. Number one: a super volcano. Number two: an asteroid hits the Earth. Number three: All the Evel Knievel movies are lost. Number four: Ella calls Bridget. Number five: Charming gets eaten by a shark.
Charming: Iām Charming, and I approve the order of that list.
---
Trying to cheer Bridget after a break up
Maddox: You broke up with Ella for a reason.
Bridget: I know, I know. Iām just so tired of missing her. Tired of wondering why she hasn't called. Why hasen't she called?
Maddox: Maybe because you told her not to.
Bridget: What are you, the Memory Person?
---
And now for a part of the Wonderland rescue squad!
Chloe: Youāre a loose cannon, Red.
Red: No, Iām not. Iām a cannon, maybe, but a loose cannon? Is that what you think of me?
Pink: I think you play by your own rules.
Hazel: No way, they think rules were made to be broken.
Chloe: Those are all attributes of a loose cannon.
Red: No, Iām just a reckless renegade. Max is a loose cannon.
Max: smashes a chair Aah! You shut your trap, Red!
Hazel: Iād say Maxās more of a cop on the edge with nothing to lose. Thatās an entirely different thing.
Pink: Now Iām just confused. Is Red a loose cannon or not?
Chloe: All right, put on a pot of coffee. Weāre gonna get to the bottom of this.
Red: groans
Max: Aw, man.
---
Red: God, if only someone loved meā¦
Max: standing behind her with roses
Chloe: holding box of chocolates
Hazel: has balloons and a card
Pink: facepalms This is sad.
---
Red, about Hazel and Chloe: My god, would you two just get a room already?
Chloe: Excuse me, Red?
Red: You both just keep agreeing about horrifying things and relishing everybody else's misery. So seriously, when's the wedding?
Hazel: ā¦
Pink: I ship it!
Max: CAN YOU NOT?
---
Hazel: If you put a milkshake in one yard and crack open a cold one in another yard, which yard would the boys go to?
Pink: Schrƶdinger's boys.
Max: FUCK!
Red: What about cracking open a cold milkshake?
Chloe: As we all know, the milkshake brings the boys to the yard. The presence of the boys is a prerequisite for the cracking open of a cold one, but cold ones do not have any inherent boy-attracting abilities. Milkshakes, however, do.
Chloe: All else being equal, the boys would proceed to the milkshake yard. While it is possible to announce the presence of cold ones in the hope of attracting some boys, the pull of the milkshake is much more powerful by comparison.
Hazel: ā¦
Pink: ā¦
Max: ā¦
Red: ā¦
Chloe: Mind you, all of this nonsense hinges on whether or not the boys are back in town.
---
Chloe: Unfollow me if you think the Earth is flat.
Max: *seriously pretends to be a flat-earther to antagonize the anti-flat-earther.
Pink: *neutral but makes polls to start fights, "Is the Earth flat? Let's discuss!"*
Hazel: not a flat-earther but makes "the Earth may be flat but this ass ain't" jokes for viral tweets.
Red: actual flat-earther.
---
Chloe: I'm going to be an adult in 2 years and I only have a vague idea of what I'm going to do.
Max: Iām gonna be an adult in less than a year and I donāt know what Iām doing with my life.
Red: I'm with you thereā¦
Hazel: I'm an adult and I don't know what I'm doing with my life.
Pink: Three types of people.
---
Chloe: visiting the squad Hello, I just came to-
Chloe: sees Red shoving Pink into the washing machine while Max records and Hazel watches
Chloe: retreating Something suddenly came up.
---
Red: Time for plan G.
Chloe: Donāt you mean plan B?
Red: No, we tried plan B a long time ago. I had to skip over plan C due to technical difficulties.
Pink: What about plan D?
Red: Plan D was that desperate disguise attempt half an hour ago.
Hazel: What about plan E?
Red: Iām hoping not to use it. Max dies in plan E.
Max: I like plan E.
---
Max: Plants have feelings too?! What is this? Now I can't have food!
Pink: You can eat a rock.
Red: Air.
Chloe: The fabric of time and space.
Hazel: Chugging a bottle of bleach can solve all your problems.
Max: You guys are not helpful.
---
Pink: Why isnāt the statue smirking at me?
Max: It isnāt smirking at anyone, theyāre all just imagining it.
Red: Three of us saw it, Max. How do you explain that?
Max: points at Hazel Sleep deprivation. points at Red Paranoia. points at Chloe Delusional personality disorder.
---
Max: Ah, yes. Here we have a beautiful coupleā¦
Hazel: I really care about your feelings!
Pink: I really care about YOUR feelings!
Max, turning his head: ā¦and then there's the disaster coupleā¦
Red: YOU NEED TO PAY MORE ATTENTION TO ME INSTEAD OF BEING AT THE HOSPITAL!
Chloe: I WOULDN'T HAVE TO SPEND SO MUCH TIME AT THE HOSPITAL IF YOU STOPPED INSISTING ON FIGHTING EVERYONE WHO COMES WITHIN A FIVE FOOT RADIUS OF YOU!
---
Chloe: Mice are having sex in my walls.
Pink: Tattletale!
Hazel: You're just being ungrateful.
Max: It's their home too, you know.
Red: So what? Don't slutshame them.
Chloe: The mice are fucking AND now I'm getting heckled.
(even funnier if you remember that considering Ella could talk to mices, Chloe probably can too)
---
Pink: Hey, what have you two been doing?
Max: we were helping Chloe with their wedding vows and we were kicked out of their house for making it inappropriate.
Hazel: How is āNice ass, Redā inappropriate?
---
Chloe: There's no meeting today because Max is at the police station.
Pink: He's in jail?!
Hazel: We have to get him out!
Red: Jailbreak! I'm in!
Hazel: I'll dress up and distract the guard!
Pink: Ooh, I'll bake some food to help distract ALL the guards!
Red: I guess I could bring my frying pan in case we need a shield to keep us from being shot-
Chloe: No! Max wasn't arrested! He's undercover, taking the system down from the inside. He doesn't need our help!
---
Red: You know what I learned from my friendship with Chloe?
Pink: Thereās no such thing as too mean?
Hazel: Never let your friends know for sure if you like them?
Max: Always hold a grudge?
---
Hazel: All right, y'all! Let's take a vote!
Max: A secret vote. Everyone close your eyes.
the Squad closes their eyes
Chloe: We don't see the result!
Max: Well, just say your vote out loud.
Red: Won't we recognize each other's voices?
Pink: Hazel has a point.
---
Max: Who the fuck broke the toaster?
Pink: It was Red.
Hazel: It was Red.
Chloe: Red broke it.
Red:
Red: ā¦yOU PROMISED-
---
Red, singing: I donāt want a lot for Christmas, there is just one thing I needā
Max: A loving family.
Hazel: A better love life.
Pink: Mental stability.
Chloe: clueless Bagels?
---
The Squad's cooking skills
Pink: master chef
Chloe: knows a few recipes
Red: can follow instructions on a box
Hazel: made toast once
Max: banned from the kitchen
---
Chloe: Why aren't there friend pick up lines? Pick up lines to make friends like-
Chloe, to Red: Hey, that's a cute outfit. You know where it would look better? On nobody else, because you're a beautiful individual.
Hazel, to Max: Be my friend or I'll set your entire family on fire.
Pink: There are two types of people.
---
Red: Hey, how did my phone break?
Hazel: You were drunk yesterday.
Red: And?
Pink: You threw it.
Red: Why?
Chloe: You turned on airplane mode and kept screaming āFLY DAMN YOU!ā
Red: And why didnāt you stop me?!
Max: We were busy laughing our asses off.
---
Red: Guys, Iāve been meaning to tell you⦠Chloe and I are dating.
Chloe, Hazel, Pink, and Max: gasp
Red: Chloe, why are you surprised?!
---
Pink: So oxygen went on a date with potassium, it went⦠OK.
Max: I thought oxygen was dating magnesium, OMG.
Pink: Actually oxygen first asked nitrogen out, but nitrogen was all like NO.
Chloe I thought oxygen had that double bond with the hydrogen twins.
Red: Looks like someone's a HO.
Max: NaBrO.
Hazel: I'm done with all of you!
---
Chloe: Anyone d-
Hazel: Depressed?
Pink: Drained?
Red: Dumb?
Max: Disliked?
Chloe: -done with their work⦠what is wrong with you peopleā¦
---
Hazel: Red, I know you snuck out to see Chloe last night.
Red: If you tell Pink or Max, I swear Iāll murder you, and theyāll never find the body.
Hazel: Five bucks?
Red: Fine.
---
The gang's thoughts on stabbing
Pink: Would never stab anyone.
Nice!Chloe: Would stab someone in retaliation.
Red: Yells "I won't hesitate, bitch!" first.
Hazel: Would stab without warning.
Evil!Chloe: Would stab as a warning.
(have you guys seen Evil!Chloe and her dagger?? If descendants wasn't kid friendly she would have definitely stabbed someone)
---
the squad is at a dinner party but someone has been murdered
Evil!Chloe: Youāre acting pretty carefree for someone whoās lifeās at stake. Whoās to say you arenāt the killer?
Hazel: Itās a murder, not a tax audit. Iāll be fine.
Max: What about Pink? Nobody ever suspects Pink!
Pink: Well what about Red? She has a gun!
Red: Chloe has a knife.
Evil!Chloe: Yeah, for fun, not for murder! stabs Max in the arm
---
Pink: Good morning.
Red: Good morning.
Chloe: Good morning.
Hazel: You all sound like robots, try spicing it up a bit.
Max: MORNING MOTHERFUCKERS!
---
Hazel: Which one of you was going to tell me that tea tastes different if you put it in hot water??
Chloe: Y- you were putting it in cold water??
Red: Hazel. Answer the question, Hazel.
Hazel: Yeah??? I thought people just put it in hot water to speed up the tea-ification process. didn't realize there was an actual reason.
Hazel: Plus you think I have the patience to boil water?
Max: You don't have the patience to microwave water for 3 minutes??
Red: Why are you putting it in the microwave to boil it?
Max: Do you think I have the patience to boil water on the stove?
Red: It takes less than a minute.
Max: Is your stovetop powered by the fucking sun???
Red: How long does it take you to boil a cup of water on the stove?
Max: Like seven minutes??
Chloe: Just stick the mug on top of the stove on medium heat and it boils in like 2 minutes⦠less than that if you use a saucepan!
Red: Why are you putting the whole mug on the stove?? On medium heat?? Chloe? Your stove is enchanted!
Hazel: Every single person here is a fucking lunatic.
Pink: Do none of you own a fucking kettle?!
---
Chloe: Red is late again.
Hazel: How did this happen? I called them at 8 oāclock this morning and pretended it was 11.
Max: I printed up a fake schedule for them saying we were starting at 9 instead of noon.
Pink: I set their clock to say PM when itās really AM.
Chloe: Oh boy. We may have overdone it.
Red bursts through the door
Red: WHAT TIME IS IT?
---
Chloe: Hey, can we stay in your dorm tonight?
Max: Why?
Chloe: Hazel fiddled with an ouija board and cursed ours.
Pink: Red doesn't know how to banish spirits, so she just threw salt at them and yelled "DOES THIS LOOK LIKE A HOTEL TO YOU?!"
---
Hazel: What makes you all smile?
Pink: Friends and Family.
Max: Snacks.
Chloe: Victory and success.
Red: Face muscles.
---
Pink: Iāve done a lot of dumb stuff.
Hazel: I witnessed the dumb stuff.
Max: I recorded the dumb stuff.
Red: I joined you in the dumb stuff.
Chloe: I TRIED TO STOP YOU FROM DOING THE DUMB STUFF!
---
Pink: What's the scariest horror movie you've ever watched?
Chloe: IT.
Hazel: Annabelle.
Red: Paranormal Activity.
Max: High School Musical. All throughout high school I was scared that everyone was gonna randomly get up and start singing and dancing, and I would be the only one who doesn't know the words.
---
Max: What did you guys get in your yearbook?
Hazel: 'Prettiest Smile'
Pink: 'Nicest Personality'
Red: 'Most likely to start a bar fight'
Chloe: 'Least likely to start a bar fight, but most likely to win one'
---
Hazel: Are oranges named orange because oranges are orange or is orange called orange because oranges are orange?
Max: Which came first, the orange or the orange?
Chloe: Orange was first used to refer the fruit 1280 years ago but was not used as a color until 1000 years ago.
Red: What was the color called before then?
Pink: There was no color, duh! Everything was black and white!
---
Pink: You really put aside everything and came all this way for me? How did you even get here so fast?
Max: Several traffic violations.
Hazel: Three counts of resisting arrest.
Chloe: Roughly thirteen cans of energy drinks.
Red: Also, thatās not our car.
---
Pink: What do rainbows mean to you?
Red: Gay rights.
Hazel: There's money.
Chloe: The sign of God's promise to never destroy the whole Earth with a flood.
Max: It is an optical phenomenon that separates sunlight into its continuous spectrum when the sun shines on raindrops.
(Out of all of the characters, I feel like if one of them was a christian, it would be Chloe, even across other HK, she just has the vibe you know? at least at first)
---
Red: What's the worst thing you guys have done?
Pink: Rickrolled my teacher in 4th grade.
Max: I kicked Chloe in the shin-
Chloe: -So I kicked Max between the legs.
Hazel: I burned a town down.
Red: What?!
Chloe: What the hell is wrong with you?!?
Hazel: A lot of things.
Max: No shit.
---
Chloe: Uh, Red? Pink is in the pool and I don't think she's waterproof.
Red: What?
Hazel: I think she meant, Pink is drowning.
Red: WHAT?!
Meanwhile
Pink: is drowning
Max: OH MY GOD, Pink! KEEP SWIMMING!
Pink: I can't swim, dumbassā sinks
Max: PINK!
---
Red: A mouse!
Hazel, pulling out a knife: Go back to where you came from or I'll stab you.
Max, pulling out a frying pan: It'll make a nice meal!
Chloe, giving the mouse cheese: You deserve a treat, little guy.
Pink, gasping: It's Ratatouille!
LuƬs: His name is Remi, dummy.
Red: ā¦I was going to say to just trap it and throw it out the window⦠what is wrong with you people.
---
Squad reactions to being called straight:
Red: The fuck, no I'm not.
Hazel: Excuse the hell out of you?
Chloe: Ding dong, you are wrong!
Pink: Who told you that? And why did they lie?
LuƬs: Rude.
Max: punches the person
---
LuƬs: If you bite it and you die, it's poisonous. If it bites you and you die, it's venomous.
Pink: What if it bites me and it dies?!
LuƬs: Then you're poisonous. Jesus Christ, Pink, learn to listen.
Max: What if it bites itself and I die?
LuƬs: That's voodoo.
Hazel: What if it bites me and someone else dies?
LuƬs: That's correlation, not causation.
Red: What if we bite each other and neither of us die?
LuƬs: That's kinky.
Chloe: Oh my god.
---
Pink: If you had too, what would you give up food or sex?
Chloe: Sex.
Hazel: Seriously, answer faster.
Chloe: Iām sorry honey, when they said sex I wasnāt thinking about sex with you.
Hazel: Itās like a giant hug.
Pink: Max, what about you? What would you give up sex or food?
Max: Food.
Pink: Okay, how about sex or dinosaurs?
Max: Oh my God itās like the movie Sophieās Choice.
LuƬs: What about you Red? What would you give up sex or food?
Red: Oh⦠um⦠I donāt know, itās too hard.
LuƬs: No, you gotta pick one.
Red: Um, food⦠no, sex⦠no, food⦠sex⦠food. Ugh! I donāt know! I want both! I- I want hot people on bread!
---
after the Squad has been separated for a few years
Hazel: So what have you been up to recently?
Max: Leading a revolution with LuƬs.
Hazel: Good for you two! Me, I've joined the mob.
Max: nods Oh, how cool! That's awesome!
Hazel: I know! Anyway, have you heard from the others? Red?
Max: Happily living as a hermit in the woods. Chloe?
Hazel: Wrongfully locked up in an asylum, which reminds me, we need to break her out later. Pink?
Max: Cult leader.
Hazel: Yeah, that sounds about right.
---
Hazel: Fine! Judge all you want butā¦
Hazel, points at Max: Married a lesbian. (Chloe)
Hazel, points at Pink: Left a man at the altar.
Hazel, points at LuƬs: Fell in love with a gay ice dancer. (Max)
Hazel, points at Chloe: Threw a manās wooden leg in a fire. (James Hook leg)
Hazel, points at Red: Lives in a box!
---
LuƬs: Just be yourself.
Red: Really? LuƬs, I have one day to win over Chloeās parents.
Red: How long did it take for you guys to like me?
Pink: Couple of weeks.
Hazel: Six months.
Max: Juryās still out.
Red: See LuƬs? āJust be yourself,ā what kind of garbage advice is that?!
---
Red, walking into her house: Hello, people who do not live here.
Chloe: Hey.
Max: Hi.
Hazel: Hello.
LuƬs: Hey!
Red: I gave you the key to my place for emergencies only!
Pink: We were out of Doritos.
---
Red: From now on we will be using code names.
Red: You can address me as Eagle One.
Red: LuƬs is ābeen there done thatā.
Red: Chloe is ācurrently doing thatā.
Red: Hazel is āit happened once in a dreamā.
Red: Max is āif I had to pick a Wonderlandianā.
LuƬs: How much you wanna bet Chloe got a Lap dance from Red?
Hazel: If that happened, Max can drink free tonight.
Max: As much as I love the thought of having free drinks I don't like the idea of Chloe receiving a Lap dance from someone other than me.
LuƬs: Hey Red, did you give Chloe a lap dance?
Red: So what if I did?
LuƬs, to Hazel: I guess Max is drinking free tonight.
Red: Be right back, I'm gonna go cry-
Chloe, entering the room: What the f-
---
Chloe: Iāll speak French between your legs~
Hazel: HOTTEST THING I HAVE EVER BEEN TOLD-
Max, containing their laughter: I can just imagine someone saying ābonjourā to a penis-
Felix: BONJOUR MADEMOISELLE VAGINA, HON HON TITTY CROISSANT!
LuƬs: Titty croissant!?
Red: None of you should ever be having sex-
---
Chloe: Hazel kissed me!
LuƬs: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!
Chloe: It was unbelievable!
LuƬs: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!
Pink: Okay, we wanna hear everything. LuƬs, get the wine and unplug the phone. Chloe, does this end well or do we need tissues?
Chloe: Oh, it ended very well.
LuƬs: Do not start without me! Do not start without me!
Pink: Okay, alright, letās hear about the kiss. Was it a soft brush against your lips or was it like a, you know, āI gotta have you nowā kind of thing?
Chloe: Well, at first it was really intense, you know? And then, oh God, and then we just sort of sunk into it.
Pink: Ohh⦠So, okay, was sheholding you? Or were her hands on your back?
Chloe: First they started out on my waist and then they slid up and then they were in my hair.
LuƬs and Pink: Ohhh.
meanwhile
Hazel eating pizza in their house: And, uh, and then I kissed her.
Red: Tongue?
Hazel: Yeah.
Max: Cool.
---
Hazel: So, Chloe is late today. Anyone wanna bet why?
Hazel: I say she slipped through the subway grate and is having terrible sex with the mole man.
Max: I don't know about thatā¦I think either her alarm clock didn't go off, or she's in line at the bank.
Red: Take this more seriously! Chloe was clearly taken in her sleep!
Pink: I bet she tucked herself into the bed too tightly and got stuck.
Luìs: Maybe she fell into another dimension where she's more interesting�
Chloe arrives
Chloe: Sorry I'm late - there was a problem at the bank.
Max, clapping their hands in excitement: HOT DAMN!
---
Red, at Chloe: You're my significant other.
Chloe: Yeah I am!
Red, at Pink: You're my child.
Pink Yes boss.
Red, at Hazel: You're my bitch.
Hazel: Yeah I am- wait, what?
Red, at Max: My bestie.
Max: Naturally.
Red at LuƬs: HA, GAY!
LuƬs: Fuck you.
---
Red: If I fallā¦
Chloe: Iāll be there to catch you.
Max: looks at LuƬs What if I fall?
LuƬs: Then Iāll fall with you, never leaving your side.
Robbie: watches these two interactions
Robbie, to Felix: And if I fall?
Felix: Iāll be the one who pushed you.
---
Chloe: My mom is calling⦠hi mom.
Hazel: Come on guys, stop. She's trying to talk to their mom.
Max: loud fake sexual noises
Red: EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP!
LuƬs: is asleep
Pink: gets really close to the phone Tell her I said hi.
---
Hazel: If weāre in trouble, just throw the twins at the problem, and hope for the best.
---
Robbie, hungover: Please tell me I'm imagining that I claimed I was king of the ducks.
Chloe: I would, but then I would be lying to the King of All Ducks.
---
Max: Iām Max. Iām an accountant.
Chloe: Iām Chloe. I have a knife.
---
Chloe: I have yet to encounter a problem where a sword didn't factor into the solution at least in some way.
---
Pink: Be right back, gonna hit the toilet for a quick power sob.
---
Squeaky: Goddamn it, the printer broke while printing out Pink's birthday invitations.
Squirmy: Well, what are they supposed to say?
Squeaky: "Pink's birthday".
Squirmy: So, what do they say instead?
Squeaky: "Pinkās bi".
Squirmy:
Squirmy: Works out either way.
---
Squirmy: Vegetable oil is made from vegetables, coconut oil is made from coconuts, so BABY OIL-
Hazel: CAN'T WE JUST HAVE A NICE FAMILY DINNER FOR ONCE?!
---
Hazel: We should normalize not loving family members.
Chloe: You can just say: āI hate my dumb fuck brotherā or whatever. Talk like a normal person!
---
Robbie: I hate you sometimes.
Felix: Well according to this picture Squirmy drew of us holding hands that's not true.
Robbie: Felix, you drew that.
Felix: It doesn't matter.
---
Pink: Iām so happy two of my favorite people are getting along now.
Squeaky: Uh, LuƬs and Hazel are not getting along.
Pink: Theyāre not trying to kill each other.
Squeaky: You may have a point.
---
Red: They made Pink cry!
LuƬs: Pink always cries!
Pink: That's not true! cries
---
LuƬs: They donāt make them like me no more. Iām the last of my kind.
Chloe: Thank god.
---
LuƬs: casually taking four stairs at a time
Max, falling behind, taking two stairs at a time: Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fu-
---
Red: Go fuck yourself.
Chloe: Come over here and fuck me yourself you coward!
---
Max: I'm gonna need a human skull but you can't ask why.
Pink: Only if you also don't ask why.
Pink: pulls four pristine human skulls out of their bag
Max: ā¦
Max, grabbing a skull: This one will do.
---
Squeaky: Hugs Max from behind
Squeaky: Tucks Max's hair behind their ear
Squeaky, whispering: Eat all the frosted animal crackers again and they'll never find your body.
---
Pink: I need life advice.
Hazel, sipping Gatorade and eating cookie dough: You came to the right person.
---
Robbie: Hey, Felix! Do you wanna go celebrate with me?
Felix: Robbie, you know I can't be seen in public with you.
Robbie: Okay, a simple "no" would be fine.
---
Hazel: Youāre my best friend, I would do anything for you.
Felix: I want you to eat 3 meals a day and have a decent sleep schedule.
Hazel: Absolutely not.
---
Bridget in the 'beyond the isle of the lost' book
Bridget: Red, whereās your report card?
Red: My friends stole it from me at school, so now I donāt have it anymore.
Bridget: Do you think Iām stupid enough to believe that lie?
Red: What lie?
Bridget: That you have friends.
---
Red: Know why I called you in here?
Chloe: Because I accidentally sent you a nude pic.
Red: Stops pouring two glasses of wine. Accidentally?
---
Max: So⦠Iāve seen youāve been spending a lot of time with Chloe recently.
Red: No, Max, it's not what it looks like, I swear.
Max: Oh really? So no reason for me to be jealous?
Red: No! Youāre the only one for me.
Max: Is that so?
Red: I promise! Chloe and I are just dating, okay? She's my girlfriend.
Max: So there are no best-friends-feelings involved?
Red: You are still my one and only best friend! She's just the love of my life, nothing more!
Max: But Iām still the platonic love of your life, right?
Red: Of course bro!
Max: Broā¦
Chloe: What the-
---
LuƬs: May luck (and this picture of Hazel eating shredded cheese at 3 in the morning) be with you.
---
Hazel: I'll offer you some friendly advice-
Max: I don't want your advice.
Hazel: Well, then consider it unfriendly advice.
---
Robbie: We both look very handsome tonight.
Felix: You know, if you'd just said that I looked handsome, I would have said, "So do you."
Robbie: I couldn't take that chance.
---
Pink: What, I canāt be in a bad mood? Itās like people think, āOh, Pink is such a nice person, Pink is so happy-go-lucky! Pink canāt be in a bad mood!ā Well, you know what? Pink CAN be in a bad mood. And right now, Pink IS be in a bad mood.
---
Squirmy, looking over Robbieās shoulder: You can draw?
Robbie, stopping what they were doing: You can speak?
---
Red: I keep a picture of all of us in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties, I take it out and stare at the picture.
The Squad: Awwww-
Red: And I tell myself "If I can deal with these idiots, then I can deal with anything."
The Squad: Oh.
---
Felix: How would you like your coffee?
Pink: As dark as my soul.
Felix: Got it, one cup of milk coming right up!
---
Red: Iām 80% awesome 20% water and 100% handsome.
Robbie: Thatās 200%.
Red: Iām twice the man youāll ever be.
---
Felix: Honestly, I am so evil. So full of darkness. I feed of the souls of the living I strike fear into-
Robbie: You sleep with a teddybear.
Felix: Heās my sECOND IN COMMAND IN MY ARMY OF DARKNESS!
---
Max: I just found out from Squeaky today that when Red faked her death and the service did the 21-gun salute at their funeral, Squirmy said, āThey should aim at the coffin to be sure.ā
---
LuƬs: Hey, random question, what are your favorite flowers?
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i think yall are sleeping on the byler x descendants variant im actually losing my mind
the concept of Will being this kind, good-hearted prince, who, as heās about to step into role of king, suggests that kids from the Isle deserve to not be discriminated against. bonus points if Will is openly gay and understands what itās like to be discriminated for something you canāt necessarily control and he doesnāt wish that feeling on anyone.
then the concept of mike being this reckless, impulsive VK who speaks and acts without any thinking and with too much emotion. Heās the son of the Queen of Hearts (paladin mike sneak peak) and spent all his time on the Isle training with her former guards. And his armor has a chest emblem of a heart with a crown over it.
Mike and Will slowly changing each other for the better. Will shows Mike his family does not define him and Mike teaches Will to come out of his shell and ugh please someone join me in this