RAGE RECIPES

Today, we fucking missed lunch. I’m starving out of my god damn mind. Needless to say I want something that’s fucking fast, easy, delicious and for the love of all things good that will have leftovers so I have lunch for work tomorrow. 

Lets get our fucking shit:

1 can of biscuits (10 ct) 1 lb of fucking ground beef 1/2 onion, chopped 3 slices of bacon, chopped (or like 8 cause fucking bacon) 1/3 cup cream cheese Tablespoon ketchup 2 tablespoons of bbq sauce 1 teaspoon of damn mustard 1 teaspoon worcestershire sauce 5 oz cheddar cheese (5 slices of cheese cut in fourths) 1 egg, seperated sesame seeds if you want to be fucking fancy. 

Shit to cook with:

Big ass pan Large fucking spoon or spatula  Rolling pin Parchment paper Small bowl brush Cookie sheet

Preheat your fucking oven so that it’s ready for your damn food otherwise this is going to take even longer. 375 degrees

Grab your big ass pan and brown your hamburger on the stove with your bacon and onion. Cook that shit thoroughly then drain the grease. In the same pan with the hamburger add your fucking cream cheese, ketchup, bbq sauce, mustard and worcestershire sauce. Stir until cream cheese is melted and its fucking combined. Allow to cool.

Lay down your damn parchment paper and roll your fucking biscuits out very very thin like your patience. Place 1 square of cheese on the biscuit then 2 tablespoons of beef on each fucking on. Add another square of cheese and wrap the biscuit around it and pinch the shit out of the edges to seal it tightly.

Place biscuits on parchment paper on the cookie sheet with the seam fucking down or they’ll explode. Brush with egg white and sprinkle your fancy ass sesame seeds on it. Bake in the fucking oven for 13-16 minutes at 350 degrees or until lightly fucking browned, like that tan you’ll never have because you’re stuck behind a desk all day. 

Serve warm. 

Ok everyone. This here is a big guns recipe. Not to say that it’s fucking hard but it’s one you break out when work has been hell and you think you’re finally going to go home and get a fucking break because everyone is gone for the weekend for the first time in the last few weeks. You sit down and are less than 20 minutes into watching your shit and your fucking mother-in-law calls and surprise! She’s on her way with your brother’s kids and is going to stay with you for the fucking weekend because ‘you don’t mind right? I heard that Jim* was out of town for the weekend with the kids on a camping trip’ and ‘It will be so good to catch up!’ Now you only have 40 fucking minutes to clean the house and make it look like you don’t live like a fucking troll. This is for after the frenzy of cleaning and cursing that takes place once you hang up the phone or for in the morning preferably before people are up because god damn you need some fucking time to yourself. 

Fucking grab yourself the following shit:

3 fucking tubs of biscuits. Doesn’t fucking matter what kind, what do you like? Use that shit. 1 cup of white sugar 2 teaspoons of fucking ground cinnamon 1/2 (1 stick) of fucking butter 1 cup packed brown sugar 1/3 teaspoon of vanilla

Also fucking need:

Bundt pan without a removal bottom. Really fucking important because otherwise you’re going to fucking burn yourself on hot sugar that leaks from the bottom of the pan AND have a mess to clean up in your fucking oven. Fucking non stick spray/stick/something to line the pan with so you don’t fucking cry when it won’t come out because it smells so good but you can’t fucking get to it. Sandwich bag A fucking knife or scissors. Yes you can use fucking scissors. Small microwavable bowl. You could use a small saucepan instead but then you gotta stand over the fucking hot stove just to melt some fucking butter and why? Why do that? Pizza pan (without holes)/large fucking plate/something to serve on

Optional:

A fucking drink to get you through this weekend without killing anyone.

Preheat the motherfucking oven to 350 degrees and lube up your pan with non-stick whatever you’ve decided to use.

Pour your fucking white sugar and the damn cinnamon into your sandwich bag. Shake vigorously as though you were strangling someone in frustration because they gave you 40 MINUTES NOTICE BEFORE COMING FOR THE WHOLE FUCKING WEEKEND. Put to the side and cut your biscuits into fourths. Do only one tube of biscuits at a time. Leave the others in the fridge while you do this. They’ll cut better, you won’t hate everything even more than you already do. Just fucking trust me. Shake about 2 biscuits worth of pieces in your bag to relieve some of the tension that you’ve been building up in your body. Place the now coated biscuit pieces in the fucking pan. Continue until all the fucking pieces are fully fucking coated with sugary deliciousness. Repeat until you have slaughtered and drowned all biscuits in cinnamon fucking sugar.

In your small bowl or your fucking saucepan you special fucking suzie homemaker, I bet you didn’t even have to fucking clean your house last minute when you got the damn call did you? You saucepan user you....Anyways. Take that and melt your fucking butter in it and stir in the brown sugar and vanilla. Pour that over your biscuits in the pan. 

Put that in your fucking oven for 35 minutes. Have some vodka and orange juice that way if someone comes and bothers you, you don’t look like a fucking alcoholic because you’re not. You just didn’t want to deal with this bullshit this fucking weekend.  

Top should be hard to touch but springy if you smack it hard with a fork it sounds hollow. Let cool for 10 minutes in pan. Turn over on the pizza pan or whatever the fuck you’re using. Pull apart and eat as much as possible before someone comes and ruins your delicious food with their talking and tales of how ‘I would’ve added raisins or walnuts’ or ‘I can’t believe you made that, do you know how many calories it must have?’

WELL I DIDN’T ADD RAISINS OR WALNUTS KAREN, I JUST WANTED SOMETHING THAT WAS GOING TO MAKE ME HAPPY SO I DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT CALORIES AND WHY SHOULD THEY MATTER CAUSE YOU RUINED MY WEEKEND OK?!

It’s been a long day and the kids won’t shut their fucking faces even though you love them, it’s times like this that you wish you could just ship them off for 2 weeks so you don’t have to listen to the constant yelling. So lets make fucking dinner that way if they’re shoveling food into their face, they will at least be quiet for a moment. 

Shit we need for this:

1 lb ground beef, or more. It doesn’t make that much of a difference, but not like 3 fucking lbs. That’s too fucking much.  3 garlic cloves or if you don’t really have time for like fresh garlic and mincing and shit, just buy a jar and use about half a tablespoon and call it good cause we don’t have time for conversions and shit.  1/4 cup of packed brown sugar. We don’t give a fuck if it’s light or dark. Don’t ask that question.  1/4 cup of soy sauce 2 teaspoons sesame oil or like if you just shake the bottle about 5-7 times you’re good cause measuring takes a lot of fucking work. 1/4 teaspoon of ground ginger AKA shake it a little until there’s a light yellow powdering on most things.  1/4 teaspoon of crushed red pepper flakes 2 shakes of pepper Rice

Optional:

Carrots, broccoli, green beans Other shit we need:

Big ass skillet The last fucking clean small bowl in the house Whisk That spatula that you used last night and didn’t get clean yet. Better fucking wash it.

Suggested shit:

Rice cooker. Just fucking buy one. I know rice isn’t fucking hard to make but save yourself some fucking time and just buy a damn rice cooker. The kids can fucking do it themselves when you really don’t want to cook.  Strainer + Plate + Paper towels

Turn the largest fucking burner you have on medium heat and put your big ass skillet on it. Put your ground beef in the skillet and put your fucking minced garlic in there. Tell your kids to shut the fuck up while you brown that hamburger. 

Once you feel you’ve properly broken up the hamburger and moved it around the skillet adequately for it to brown, start your fucking rice. Once your rice is started move the hamburger around more so you cook it right and don’t fucking poison anyone. Tell the kids to shut it again. 

In that last clean small bowl put your hopes of seeing it clean again in the next week, the brown sugar, soy sauce, sesame oil, ginger, red pepper flakes, and pepper. Whisk the shit out of it and really get in there clenching your jaw because you can’t take your anger at the lack of solitude you have in your life out on anyone but yourself right now.

Once fully fucking mixed and you feel like you have released most of your rage return to your browned meat. Make sure it looks like it’s fully browned and turn off heat. If there’s a lot of fucking grease, don’t just leave it, take that strainer and put it on some folded up paper towels on a plate and pour your meat into there. Don’t get rid of the big fucking pan though! Put that fucker back on the stove. Take your strainer and shake as much of that fucking grease off as you can and return the meat to the pan. Pour the sauce over the meat and fucking mix the rest of your rage out. 

If you choose to have some of the veggies, add them in now. If you wanted them steamed you should’ve done that early but you forgot because I didn’t fucking tell you. I’m not really sorry. I have my own problems. They taste good raw. Just fucking go for it. 

You’re rice should be done in that rice cooker you bought and you realize it’s a fucking blessing because if you didn’t have it you would still be waiting for things to be ready for you to even consider start cooking your rice. Serve your meat over that rice. 

These cookies are perfect for when you need something sweet and easy to relax when you get home because fucking Sharon* won’t get off your fucking case at work. It’s not like Sharon is even your boss just your fucking coworker but she thinks she knows so much more than you. You’ve worked here 3 weeks Sharon. Fuck you. 

The first thing we’re not going to do is pre-heat the oven. Because it’s fucking hot out. These are fucking no bake cookies. Don’t heat the damn house up. That’s stupid.

Next we’re going to get our ingredients. We will need:

3 fucking cups of white sugar 3/4 cups of motherfucking butter 3/4 cups of cow milk. Yes cow milk. I’m not fucking vegan. (If you are lactose intolerant please feel free to use soy milk but know you are only getting part of the deliciousness that is these cookies) 1/2 teaspoon of vanilla extract 1 1/2 cups of whatever fucking peanut butter you have around the house that you haven’t used to fill your dogs kong toy so that he’ll leave you alone for 5 fucking minutes 4 1/2 cups of fast as fuck quick-cooking oats

Once you get all that shit pulled out sit down. Have a beer. It helps. If after the beer you can’t manage to give half a fuck to get back into the kitchen grab another beer from the fridge. 

Ha fucker, now while you’re in the kitchen grabbing a beer, we will also need:

Medium sized fucking saucepan Big ass bowl Waxed paper Something to fucking stir with (I suggest silicone type utensils, just like that dildo that you have hidden in your bedside table because boy do you love your SO but sometimes you just need a pulsating, vibrating shaft rammed into you. Silicone cleans off easier with all the sticky products but you know that.)

Now turn the fucking stove top on to whatever the hell is your middle setting. I don’t want above the middle, I don’t want slightly under, just the fucking middle. Put your saucepan on it and combine the sugar, butter and fucking cow milk (or soy I guess). Stir that and bring to a rapid fucking boil for a full minute. Not some casual, I just met you, light rumble of bubbles boil, but a full blown, there might be an orgy of hot air happening in the pan right now boil. 

Now that it’s all hot and bothered just like you remove it from the heat. Stir in the vanilla and peanut butter as aggressively as you need to to forget about the fucking shit Sharon said at work today, keep in mind though that it is hot and you will burn the ever loving shit out of your skin if you’re not careful about it. 

Put your fast as fuck quick-cooking oats in your big ass bowl. Take that hot mixture that you just took some of your frustrations with Sharon out on and pour into the big ass bowl with the oats. Quickly put the rest of your rage into stirring those mother fucking ingredients thoroughly because if you fucking don’t I promise that your cookie will be more disappointing than the fact that the light bulb in the hall has been burned out for 2 weeks and you can’t fucking see anything without it but no one in the house ever remembers to buy a new bulb for it until after they’ve come back from the store. 

Drop your mixture by teaspoonfuls on the waxed paper because you forgot that there’s a bake sale at school tomorrow so make sure you have at least 2 dozen for the kids to take over there. Then sit on the couch and eat the rest because fuck. That was a lot of work and now they have what they need and damn it you shouldn’t have to share anymore and know that fucking Sharon is not as happy as you are because fuck these are good.