poems.

"My love, 

You are not the rocks at a shore

but the cottage at the beach,

you are the flames in the fireplace

that dries my clothes and warms my soul.

You are the bedding in my room

that keeps me warm and in comfort

when the dark times come.

But you are also the shotgun behind the bed stand

for when everything is going wrong,

are willing to defend.

Always remember,

“I want my baby I want [redacted] I want my future wife I want the countless headaches we’re both going to feel The arguments we’re going to have The laughs we’re going to share The disagreements with the head nods of agreement The ‘keeping our mouths shut because it’s not worth fighting over’ The small talk we’ll share over the phone, on the pillows and in the car.

I want the fire in my heart and the calm in soul. I want the countless nights of fun, exhaustion, arguing, love making, and friendship.

I’m not too sure why I feel like this all the time. I wish I just could get a simple answer with a clear cut solution. But it seems like that would be too easy.

This feeling of getting punched in the chest is only the half the burden to bear. Seeing that there was nothing ever there to be damaged in the first place presents itself as a whole different complicated situation which would take eons to ever only begin to understand. A home broken into but nothing inside to take.

The pills couldn’t fill the emptiness or help me understand its existence. The sexual get off did nothing but create fluids from the wrong half of my body. And the sleep only prolonged the reality I had to face when my eyes opened.

It’s just nice to be fought for sometimes, even if it’s against yourself. Even when you can’t help yourself. I want to be wanted. I need someone to help me fight when I can’t stand on my own two legs anymore.

Sometimes I wonder if I even matter to you. If my heart stopped beating, would you cry because you have no one to be at your beck and call? Or because the one you love is no longer with you? Do you hear me when I say I'm hurting? If you do, why won't you speak up? Does your heart ache when I cry myself to sleep? Or does it get written off as another one of my "moments"? Which head do I stimulate the most? The one I'm more beneficial to? Are you all talk or is there truth behind your words?

A wave of things, ideas and questions really, that flood the walls of my mind once the sun turns in for the day. Here are a few:

Does my relationship have an expiration date?

If I went into a coma and/or died suddenly, would my partner move on and get married? How soon?

Does my societal presence match my appearance in the mirror?

How many times a day do I get called a freak or crazy behind closed doors?

Who are the people that value my opinion and seek out information about my well being?

What truth lies behind my mother’s words when she speaks on my lack of social activities with peers, to her acquaintances, and the want for more social life experience?

Why do I feel so empty when everything in front of me only give me reasons to feel full?

Is an hour in the life of me so difficult that people would run the other way at the thought of involvement or end their life if told to take my place?

It’s common for people these days to lose sight of themselves Whether it be because their friend has 128 more followers on Instagram As a cause of their morals being sold to gain the faux approval of the brainless masses Or because the factory crafted artist of the week decided to take two steps to the left

For whatever the reason, I find myself questioning who I am Coming from a background as a person who has struggled with identity issues frequently This isn’t new to me But this also isn’t something that I enjoy

Do I want to do my hair this way so I won’t get mistaken as being homeless again? Do I want to wear designer shoes because they look attractive? Do I want to get this tattoo or piercing because it looks cool on another person?

I woke up from my nap after a bad week to this from my boyfriend:

So there’s this girl With beautiful brown hair Curlier than any ribbon you’ve ever seen But soft as a cloud

She wears these big ol' glasses on her face They make her look so goofy and dorky And cute and absolutely adorable Her skin complexion is like a perfect cup of hot cocoa On a cold winter night Sweet and warm But with a little hint caramel goodness

She can make me laugh which is surprising Cause a lot of people have problems doing that She’s smart as fuck and yeah it’s a little intimidating But she knows I’m ok with not being the smartest person in the room

She’s stubborn as a bull and I love it But this girl man If you put her in front of a brick wall and gave her a spoon She’d dig straight through that wall just to prove a point

I’m the first man she’s loved So if I truly wanted to, I could take advantage But there’s no need She's a diamond in a sea of coal

This girl is all I think about Whether it’s for purposes of the future I want with her Or if I just need to see her

She won’t say it so I have to tell her She’s the sexist woman on the planet I won’t go into detail But I’ll say her lips are always needing to be kissed She has a booty And I mean a booooooty It’s so amazing

I thought I was getting better I honestly did. I didn’t have to put up much of a fight when I awoke each morning My smiles felt less fake And my exchanges were genuine

Little did I know, I was just masking what lied underneath I was putting on a synthetic skin every day To hide the decay that was rotting out my insides And ignoring the darkness, slowly engulfing my existence

I’m losing sight of who I am Who I was Who do I aim to be? My morals, fading into a gray The ones I kept in my heart, are now in the cold and obsolete I don’t know how to make this better

Expecting my mind to be seen in a glass box When, in reality, it’s in a underground bunker Bolted down and trapped from safety I don’t how to ask for help Even when I’m drowning like this

Claw marks seem like wallpaper around my mind Same Beast, different day Same cut, different spot

Nothing works when I try to tame the Beast Fighting is futile Feeding is passive Suppression is nonexistent And addressing him only proves to be humorous

But this pain The pain of his torture that is bestowed upon me As if it were a gift As if I should appreciate my fortune Yet, I don’t want to As a matter of fact, I shouldn’t

The Beast eats away at who I am At who I want to be Feeds me doubt and insecurity Warps my heart to drain its contents I can’t stand feeling like this

My isolation furthers when all my confidants have changed directions Not only am I being eaten by The Beast But my outstretched arms are left cold in the dark

His anger and his frustration hurts me more as the day goes on The days are blending into one another I feel trapped and suffocated with no way out

The Beast wants out But the only way that will happen Is if I sacrifice myself in the process

I don’t know if it’s all in my head Or you just can’t hear your own words

These mixed messages are making my signal fuzzy Distorting any incoming information Why can’t you straighten out your antenna? Tighten the string between our tin cups? Check the service bars? And fix this static connection called our relationship?

Once the video starts playing It shows the yin and yang nature of our relationship Highlighting peace and harmony, laughs and love Until the clouds appear And my signal is jammed I don’t know whether or not to believe you then Or believe you now

I don’t know if I can divulge my dark secrets Not about the cold nights at band camp But the parasite that eats me away Leaving less than skin and bones Or about my self esteem dropping My mental and physical wellness are racing each other To see which one can decline the fastest I’m staring at a buffering screen Because leaving these secrets with you Only leaves me more broken

Do you know how it kills me, bit by bit, Each time your family asks to meet me? That’s not what they deserve And it’s damn sure not what you deserve And all I can do is smile and shrug Not knowing I’m just tallying up the times I live up to my expectation of being a “flake” Even if it’s not my fault or my decision I guess it’s time to turn the dial

I don’t how I let myself get like this To the point where I can’t hold a thought without you in it To the point where my heart aches To the point where I wake up in the middle of the night Crying hysterically, leaving my eyes red and puffy

I sit and think about how I let myself get like this I promised myself I wouldn’t let it consume me Bounce between hating myself and wanting you Clouding my ability to see Now I’m left here and I don’t know what to do

I loved you and I still do Yet here I am, left all alone And the one person I trusted with my life? I can’t even tell him how sick I am What’s even worse? I’m not going to get better

I won’t say that you aren’t the light in my life But how am I supposed to move forward When I’m looking at my aching heart in my cold hands? When I have to constantly fight the next hysterical breakdown? When my thoughts race and my pulse accelerates?

I love you and it breaks my heart that I’m sitting here like this I don’t want to bash my head into a wall I want you here, making it better with a kiss I don’t want to see my own downfall

I watch as the sun sets over the horizon in front my home The trees sway in the breeze and the animals retreat to their homes

I hear a faint rumble in the distance Not an earthquake Not my impending doom, but that of another’s This is not an unfamiliar sound It’s a sound that comes around this time each season

I see the silhouette grow more defined as the distance between it and myself become shorter I see The Man in his armor atop his horse approach the gate He recites the expected speech To pronounce his love To ask for my companionship To request that I give him just a small opportunity

And as he says his closing words, The Keeper appears right on time She presents herself in the form of a giant beast Long, sharp teeth paired with her scaly skin and fire breathing abilities She crosses the bridge over the moat to approach The Man He draws his sword immediately, prepared to stay the beast She takes this as a threat and sets the ground beside him ablaze He charges at her to which she slaps him off his horse His horse runs back into the forest leaving The Man to fend for himself I can see his fear stricken face as he determines that my hand is not worth this battle

It bugs me that we’re not in each other’s presence It bugs me that I have to wait around for you It bugs me that I try to tempt myself with another, but I always come back to you It bugs me that I tend forget our physical connection It bugs me that you don’t open up to me It bugs me that it seems like everything that’s going on is in my head It bugs me that I doubt your sincerity towards me It bugs me that I trust you so much It bugs me that I’m stuck in my own head It bugs me that I’m the only one who gets to see the “real you” It bugs me that I constantly fear that our love is fading