jess

im swimming at the lake and accidentally kicked a fish. this has never happened in my many years of swimming. sorry man

Maybe quantum physics is different in a universe where a mob boss built a working supercollider that could create portals to other worlds in 2018

sometimes you just gotta go "man i actually don't give a shit" and keep scrolling. online survival skill 101

never lose hope. somewhere, a middle-aged, gender ambiguous person with an advanced degree in an esoteric field and a fiber arts hobby could be crashing out and pinning all their remaining mental health on getting obsessed with your otp. any day now, the most elegantly written 100k fanfic you have ever read is going to hit ao3. it could happen. it has happened.

@ss-shitstorm

sometimes you think yeah i'm over this hyperfixation then you log onto tumblr dot com and your mutual is blorbo posting in such a niche and perverted way that it relights the flame for another decade

I am not immune to propaganda, all it takes is a few gifs of some gay bullshit happening and i'm locked in

btw with email u dont have to lick the envelope. i know a lot of people have been doing that and its fine and all but you dont acrtually have to do that with email.

stop deactivating

i thought we all agreed we were here forever

calling a mutual by their name and having to check you're right like omg what if they transitioned and changed their name in the twelve hours since i last saw them on my dash

your number one priority should be your tumblr mutual. your second priority nothing. there is nothing else

Someone is eating a fresh orange in this McDonald's. I smelled it and my head snapped up like a hunting dog. That smell doesn't belong in this wicked place

going on a guilt trip do yall want anything

if you really cared about me you wouldn't have to ask

The fact of the matter is that I do not want to do it

"do what?" you might wonder. well. [gestures broadly]

Reverse Mulan about a young man who disguises himself as a noblewoman and has to learn how to do passive-agressive politicking at dinner parties.

He does so to dodge the draft

ah shit they're gaining on us. we gotta jettison some weight. throw all those stolen boomerangs out we don't need em

On it, boss!

Bad news, boss!