Matt

Last couple has me exhausted

I thought I lost it, mind was haunted

Asking that bearded man for diagnostic

Dark thoughts constant

Looking to profit, so I visit prophet

Secure spot at top with security deposit

Insecure bout process, let him in regardless

Fill him in on how I’m feelin him

Address how I needing him, success is what I after, I’m over writing this chapter

Can’t do it on my own dome overfilled with too much chatter

He sat awhile on defense, like he was on the fence

Finally spoke, said to win I have to look within

Told me stop running, time to kick the doors in

Trouble at first, feeling at worst, ready to burst, like Nemo I had a weak fin

Scape this hole I been living in, uncomfortable in own skin

Connections to others is sprint

Use to living without you But see that's the problem got me exhausted Suppose to be my boo decided that you wanna lose Who would of knew Thinking your thinking is skewed You actin new, wilding with the dude

Moved out of home over grew the throne (Yeah I'm a alone) Prone to reach the chrome Be the next phenomenon You still collecting coupons

Trying save a buck Wishful thinking you gonna need the luck New boy a cartoon yeah that boy is Donald Duck I still give a fuck

Was thinking husband & wife

Treat me like shelf life

You had to sell by

Weren't satisfied

 now I'm crucified

Never been faithful but I'm looking up to the sky

Momma been worried lately Scared for her baby We talked vaguely Second mama check up on the daily Helping shape me knew I need saving She amazing You busy playing Satan

Soul is vacant It was taken I am, making payments, income can barely the pay rent Look what you created

Vision dark, heart is apart Guess you played the part Get what you need then, depart Reaching in

to that compar-ment

Late night neighbors dog is barkin Thoughts darken Go to the garden, where they bury the heartless Put on my final garments Line up the target Clean through the carton Rigor mortis starting Demons told me we embarking Find my remains in the morning

Noose round my neck, double check Rope fits snug like turtle neck Retrospect The days of me and you Heart was fire and you were fuel You forgot the golden rule Do unto others as you would have them do unto you Then you threw Me in a whirlpool Me and demons never-ending duel Now I ridicule, every single molecule Feeling minuscule

Yeah, I've lost it these toxic thoughts are constant Running tracks up in my brain then they mosh-pit My eyelids, are leaky faucets Feeling nauseous Dark theater in my conscious Sold out seats, its Box Office Screaming, yelling but people just watch as The boy goes topless, like Kurt I bang Then I'm thoughtless…just being honest

Goodbye Liam and Madison You two would have been perfect children Pilgrims over stepping Mass killing, on my feelings

How you drop me like that? The connection I thought we had How could you block all contact? Leave me alone in the dark like that

Shout out to G and Jess for not being dormant To my early warnings Asking for warrants For thoughts I was forming So I opened the door and gave a tour in Side my forest, it was pouring Playing my cortex's recordings G give me positive enforcement You're like personal insurance Conversation we had were important

Cause Jennifer is snoring On the storm she is forming In orbit with a foreign foreman Yeah, you got a new endorsement Puncture my organs, breath shorten Damage enormous Feeling unimportant

Uh oh,

Assortment of thoughts are conforming Now I'm torrent Sorry for being boring

Creating scenarios Looking back on pics and videos Like this was six years ago My hormones explode and expose In my men-tal Compose dark episodes You're the poison and the antidote

Smoke that artichoke Go inside microscope Tele in my cantaloupe Try to decode the corrode you provoked Catch me inside or on the patio Earl on the stereo Getting hungry wanting cereal Takin notes as I dose Spiking levels fructose I Got to go High is kicking in, time to diagnose

I tried to walk away but they blockin' the exits, is it all just a lesson? Prolly not, I put this gun to my head, lemme call it shots, I'm all alone, pissed drunk, drinkin' wobbly pops

Am I lookin' for attention? Hardly stop

But I don't know til I get some, Bacardi and coke.. that's redrum, all you think I got it made now Guess what?

Look me in my face.. motherfucker, I've been fed up

But you thought I look happy.. Hhhm, holy fuck

Well, it's all your fault 'cause I guess you ain't ever looked close enough, but let's get off that dope Please let me explain, before you tell me I'm sane Like there's nothin' goin' on when it's something really wrong and you let it slip away, this isn't just a part time thing

This is every singly day, this depression in my veins, so don't tell me it's okay, I'm goin' mellow like a slave and I can't ever get a say and it's messin' with my brain

They told me calm down, you need to breathe deeper, call it just anxiety, you are not gonna die.. can I please teach 'ya?

See, what I got here is pills, ativan and xanax, and if you take one of each, you can hide all your problems, you can't stress

So I'm like.. word

I think I heard of these, tho

'Cause every single rapper I know just does it for fun when I need those, every single night I'm in the cold sweat

Is it heart attack or stroke? I don't know yet.. And then I'm overthinkin' every old text and then I show up at the hospital, it's cold again

They don't even take me serious, I've been on the crazy period

It's like I'm in the state of delirium, and 'ya all can't even see it and it makes me furious But that's fine, know.. y'all can keep your eyes closed and I consider takin' those pills that you gave all at ones on the ride home

The only reason that I won't, it's for my girl and my family

And my friends that are hear this shit and they get goose bumps, they understand me

Yeah

You’re the only person I wanna talk to youre the only person I wanna love. But you’re the only person that I can’t. You won't talk to me I went from being everything for you to nothing for you. I wanna kill myself maybe then I will be worthy of your love then. A life for love who could turn that down. It drives me insane how much I want your love again. I can’t help but cry that I lost you but you don’t even care. I try so hard to understand but I just can’t. Why would you do this to me?? I would never do this too you. Because I love you, I love you so much. 

I feel undeserving of love. I feel like I’m not enough, I’m not worthy. I think I don’t offer much pass a mediocre time. I feel I have been lying to myself that I am a good person and furthermore a great relational partner, but I’m starting to think I’m delusional. 

My results are telling me so anyway.

I talk to myself more than others these days. It’s the last person I should be talking to.  Today was especially hard I had such a rough time trying to talk when I ran some errands. I felt polarized from from the whole system, life itself, imagine how a ghost would feel. It felt really weird honestly, this was a first. It made me feel not human or detached from the hustle and bustle of life as human beings. It’s the realest I have felt like a genuine nobody. I felt like breaking down and crying while I waited to get my haircut today. I think the nice lady at the counter noticed. She came up to me to apologize for my wait being longer than originally estimated. I feel that her intent was more to say “Hey, I know you’re sad and I’m sorry you’re going through whatever it is you are.” Or I was just over analyzing the situation. I tend to do that a lot. Not really sure what to believe. I question my own judgement a lot lately. 

I feel selfless, literally without self. I don’t know who I am. I don’t know my own beliefs, values, or morals. I liked myself better when I didn’t feel emotions. I feel completely different from who I use to be. It scares me so much because I don’t know who this new person is and he sounds scary. 

How could anyone love me? I don’t even love me. I get why people don’t love me. I suck. I let myself down for believing I was gonna grow the rest of my life with her. She doesn’t love me. She doesn’t even care about me. Those two thoughts alone make me wanna not live anymore. I feel like I lost my life when I lost her. How could someone I thought loved me as much as I loved her treat me like nothing, like I’m a stranger. How could she? This is the biggest betrayal I have ever felt. I fucking loved you Jennifer! How could you!? Why would you tell me you love me and do that too me? Who does that to someone they love!?! I HATE YOU BUT I FUCKING LOVE YOU. I HATE THAT SOMEONE ELSE IS IN YOUR LIFE! I HATE THAT SOMEONE ELSE IS MAKING YOU HAPPIER THAN I DID! I HATE THAT I MADE YOU MISERABLE! I FUCKING HATE MYSELF!

I wanna die. 

I’m mad, I’m sad, I’m drained, I’m full of all kind of excuses and confused about my purpose. I don’t know what I offer to this world that makes me worthy for conversation. I don’t know how to create value in my photos they feel generic, like anyone can do what I am doing. How am I suppose to sell someone on my photos if I can’t even sell myself? I’m struggling, bad. I’m a believer that things happen for a reason, but I’m at lost as to whats happening to me at this point in my life. I’m the loneliness I’ve ever been, I’ve struggled getting over my ex that has long past moved on. Why am I struggling so much to get over her? I was really convinced that she was my one. As dumb and cliche as that sounds I really believed this. It’s been the hardest thing to accept that she apparently isn’t my one. But how desperately bad I want her to be. I learned what love is and learned to love her with all thats in me for 7 years. God she was so perfect. 

I’m constantly tied down to these two characters. The first character is cute and romantic and theres faith in this love I have for her, its almost admirable to on-lookers. Then the second character just an obsessive, weird, and creepy guy who can’t get over this thing of the past. Who am I? I wanna meet new people but wanna stay in. I wanna stay in but wanna go out. I’m a dear caught in headlights I wanna push forward but my lack of decision keeps my legs frozen and all I can think about is the lights approaching at a rapid pace, why won’t my legs move? The more I think about those lights the closer they come at me. Why is my focus on the lights and not my legs? “C’mon Matt you’re the most logical person you use to know what’s wrong with you, fucking think”! But, don’t! Stay out of your head, live in the now! I’m so torn. 

I really don’t think there is anything else in the world that feels worse than being and more importantly feeling alone. I have never felt so alone in my life. The feeling I get from it is just depressing. I fantasize a lot about getting in a serious car accident so people would come visit me in the hospital or dying whether it be suicide or some heroic way like saving a baby from a burning fire. It’s the only way I feel that I could actually catch people's attention. I know that's terrible but loneliness just gets to a point where you are willing to do anything to not be alone. I try so hard to do everything right that I would think people would want in a person that they would like to hangout with but nothing works. I am just a very awkward human being and I want to form connections with people so bad but the universe just tells me no. Or at least I think it does anyway. 

I just want to feel loved and cared for but it's the farthest thing away from me. What is it about me that make people not want to hangout with me? I would love to know. People who do know me all know I’m going through a really depressing time in my life and I think I make it very clear that all I want is some human interaction. But no one steps up? Are these the people I should be calling my friends? This is all just so confusing to me. It really feels like all the colors in my life disappeared after Jen left my life. It has crippled me so badly I haven’t accomplished anything since then. I try to be positive I really do but the loneliness always creeps in and gets me in my negative mindset. I really do feel in my core that I’m not cared for at all. If I died tomorrow who would care? Who would actually care, not just that fake care shit to make a post on social media and then forget all about me a couple hours later. Who would care enough to show up to my funeral? Not just for formality sakes but because they actually wanted to show up and celebrate my life. I think about all of these things often and it scares the shit out of me because I really couldn’t tell you who would show up. 

It all just seems so strange for me because I purposely go out of my way to check up on people I care about when they are being obviously forward about something being wrong. Why aren’t they doing the same? I thought friendships were a two-way street? I don’t know what to believe anymore. I don’t know who is who. The other week I was asked if I had a friend that I know would always help me out, someone who is a real die hard friend. It really took me a second. All the names that popped up in my head were people that I feel like if I just did one certain thing or rather stopped doing one certain thing that they liked about me, they would just disappear. It makes me so depressed to think I have no one that is truly there for me. 

The worst part is, I’m not even sure if I am right or I’m just so insecure that I think that way. There’s times that I even think that I am not myself but that I have gone through my whole life pretending to be someone else or rather tailoring my act for whichever crowd I am currently entertaining. Whether it be at home with my family, out with friends, or my work. Sometimes I really think I have just made a bundle of different Matt’s and they just trigger for whatever is appropriate. While all at the sametime I question it and think oh no I’m just adjusting myself to different people but I’m still my core self. Really to be honest I second guess myself in just about everything I do. It’s an endless chase. It all just forms around one stupid question that I ask myself all the time.