Euphoric Illusions

POKEMON STORY TIME

IF YOU’VE PLAYED X AND Y YOU KNOW HOW INFURIATING THE LEGENDARY BIRDS ARE.  IF YOU HAVEN’T HERE I’LL PUT THIS INTO PERSPECTIVE FOR YOU: YOU GET A BIRD BASED ON YOUR STARTER AND ONCE YOU’VE ENCOUNTERED IT IN THE WILD, YOU CAN TRACK IT WITH YOUR POKEDEX WHILE IT ROAMS.  IT IMMEDIATELY FLEES, SO YOU CAN’T BATTLE OR CATCH IT.  YOU JUST HAVE TO TRACK IT AND ENCOUNTER IT 10 TIMES BEFORE IT FLEES TO A STATIONARY LOCATION.  OH, AND YOU CAN’T FUCKING FLY, YOU HAVE TO DO ALL THIS ON FOOT.

I AM CHASING THIS ASSHOLE ZAPDOS ALL AROUND FUCKING POKE-FRANCE, CONSTANTLY FLYING TO LUMIOSE TO RESET IT’S POSITION AND HOPE ITS SOMEWHERE NEAR WHERE I AM SO I CAN QUICKLY BIKE TO IT.  MY THUMBS ARE FUCKING RAW AT THIS POINT, I AM SO MAD.  EVERY TIME I’M ON ROUTE 14, HE’S SUDDENLY ON ROUTE 4, AND VICE VERSA.  THIS ASSHOLE WILL NOT LET ME EVEN GAZE UPON HIS SPIKY VISAGE, PRETENTIOUS CONDESCENDING FUCKING BIRD IS TOO GOOD FOR THAT.

ABOUT HALF WAY THROUGH, I DECIDE WHEN I DO CATCH HIM, I’M GOING TO FUCKING HUMILIATE HIM.

FINALLY, FINALLY I REACH TEN ENCOUNTERS AND LET OUT A SIGH OF RELIEF AS I SEE HIS LOCATION CHANGE TO THE SEA SPIRIT’S DEN.  I QUICKLY BOUGHT 99 POKEBALLS, READY TO CUT HIM DOWN 10 NOTCHES AND MAKE HIM MY BITCH.  I HAVE A MASTER BALL HANDY, ZAPFUCK, BUT YOU ARE UNDESERVING OF IT’S GLORY.

THIS SHIT JUMPS ME, AND I SEND MY SHINY OCTILLERY OUT TO MAKE WORK OF HIM.  PICKLES FIRES A FUCKIN ICE BEAM AT THAT GUY AND SENDS HIM DOWN TO RED, AND BAM, THE CUMSTAIN IS FROZEN.  I LAUGH.  I THROW MY POKEBALL.  I NOTICE IMMEDIATELY UPON THROWING IT THAT IT MAKES NOT THE NORMAL POKEBALL NOISE AS IT ZOOMS THROUGH THE AIR, BUT THE CRITICAL CAPTURE NOISE.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT A CRITICAL CAPTURE IS?  ESSENTIALLY IT’S A CRITICAL HIT FOR POKEBALLS.  IT’S BASED ON CHANCE, AND HOW MANY POKEMON YOU’VE CAUGHT.  YOU’RE GUARANTEED A CATCH IF THIS HAPPENS.  THE POKE BALL CLICKS ONCE.  THE LIGHTNING BEAST IS MINE.