Spider. Eye. Lamb

Even though I am a narcissist, I have come across other narcissists who I consider bad people that I would not like to be friends with. I am often told I am a "good narcissist" by egotypicals trying to affirm me, especially when I was in the early stages of accepting I have NPD and terrified about being viewed as a bad person. What I found comforting then—being told it's fine I'm a narcissist because I'm a good person—I now wish was being told narcissists who don't fit the egotypical definitions of goodness are still human.

A "bad narcissist" deserves treatment.

A "bad narcissist" deserves access to resources for their mental health.

A "bad narcissist" deserves their humanity.

People love to tell me "I support narcissists!—except the bad ones."

From this, I wonder what their support means. I wonder how much they care about mentally disabled people if they can pick and choose who they want to dignify as disabled and who they want to write off as scum.

Is it any different, I wonder, to misgendering a bad person because they just so happen to be trans? Do they not deserve the dignity of their identity for their actions?

I assume this is how the typical friendship acts, where two people share a mutual bond that pulls each party towards the other. Or rather, the emotional connection/bond.

When someone wishes to create a friendship with me, I'm often forced to be a part of this connection, but I don't feel it. It is not connected to me or my being, it is something I must carry and maintain, it is heavy.

When I can not carry this burden anymore, I drop it. This weighs the emotionally connected person down, and I am a bad person for it. I am not emotionally invested, I will never bond with people the same way, if someone's forces their friendship upon me it feels as though I am forced to hold a grenade with the pin pulled out, clamping down on the handle, and if I get tired it explodes.

Now I am a covert schizoid, high functioning if that's the proper word, and do have friendships like this, where the other person is emotionally invested but doesn't force anything upon me. They don't expect me to care, to want, to understand exactly. They carry the emotional investment for both of us and this allows me room to isolate and avoid engulfment while still experiencing socialization.

I do not like these people, but something something shizoid dilemma it's better than nothing. My closest friendship is one of 6 years who lives in a different state, and who I respond to maybe monthly but visit once a year (give or take). And they never mention this, or demand me to stop being absent.