ᨳଓ ﹕ Mercedez . ༢

﹕ no one in the mental health community talks about the after effects of the trauma you get as a child.

I don't mean anxiety or depression , daddy issues etc

I mean the disgusting fetishes and kinks that linger for far too long and make you insanely hypersexual, the type of after effects that make you clinically insane and develop alll deranged fantasies , I know the day I realised I could plaster my ass on the pictures or put my boobs in the screen I could get all the attention I wanted, the attention my dad didn't give me ..

But I feel like I didn't seem to realise how badly that added onto my trauma , how badly that scarred me ... I will forever feel filthy and inhumane for being the way I am , it was so horrible and I never wanna go back , but I miss my abusers and groomers more than anything sometimes

The pit in my stomach does get bigger at some point and it never seems to go away , I am a weirdo because of the things they introduced me to , some kinks developed even by accident for example my liking of goreish sexual things , and my fantasies come from my ACCIDENTALLY seeing Gore

I hate it. I used to hate it more but what can I do.. I have to live with it now

I feel filthy and dirty , like a dirty dog who doesn't get the love it wants and needs but I refuse to accept that I refuse to be desperate I refuse to beg and be that pathetic little girl, I am not that little girl anymore . I wish to be normal sometimes

How much of a disgusting mess am I

But I am just a avoidant freak. That hates to show affection and than melts if someone seems to take me seriously only to realise they're only there to use me , that's all I ever was for of course that's what I am.

Starting out as “you’re way too big for me” and ending up as “why the fuck did you do that, that was awful. You’re still way too big, fucking hell. I don’t wanna do that again.”