tw // vent blog

i wish i could disappear. i feel like i missed the deadline for killing myself because people have put so much time and resources into me now that id be an even worse person for throwing that all away but what if its all for nothing anyways? and im a waste no matter what and staying for longer just fucks people over more? i wish i could kill myself without hurting anyone. i dont know if id hurt anyone, maybe id just be gone and no one would feel anything and theyd move on. i hurt so much all the time over everyone and everything, but i cant imagine anyone ever hurting over me. i think love is the joy i bring to peoples lives, but love for me is also the way i agonize over the things i love. i can’t imagine anyone ever loving me in the way i love too. i dont think anyone could hurt over me. i dont think im a good enough person for that, thats why i love everyone else so hard. they’re better than me, i will never live up to that.

i am not. a real person theres no way. if i killed myself nothing would happen because im not real. i am bacteria being grown in. a petri dish. i am not real

worms in my skull mushrooms and moss growing on it i am rotting i am rotting i am rotting

im not enough im not enough im not enough im not enough im not enough im not enough im nothing im not enough im nothing im not enough and im still too much im nothing im nothing im nothing im nothing im nothing im not enough i will never be enough there will always be something bettter its just not here yet im not enough im not worth it im not enough im not enough im not enough im nothing im nothing im nothing everything good will leave me everyone will leave me im not enough im not enough im not enough im not enough

sometimes ill imagine you saying things and you’ve never said anything like this to me but i just know youve thought them before. and im scared of making you say them to me. sometimes i touch you and expect you to angrily go “can you just leave me the fuck alone” because i’ve finally touched you too much. or me to say i love you and for you to just sigh in annoyance instead of saying it back, sometimes i think my love spilling out is too annoying. i think you’re secretly sick of it, but you’re scared of admitting it because you’re scared of what id do and you dont want my blood on your hands. im so terrified everything will be too much for you one day and youll have so much disdain and resentment for me that i wont be able to recognize you anymore. i dont want to push you there. i dont know how to stop being so fixated on you. i want to make you happy. i want to make you happy. i want you to love me. i want to make you happy.

i cant imagine not knowimg what this feels like. i cant imagine not being on this rollercoaster from hell forever. i cant imagine never wanting to kill myself. i dont think im meant to be happy forever. i can’t imagine my partner staying. i can’t imagine things getting better and staying that way. but then again, i couldnt imagine any of this either. i couldn’t imagine being 18, and now im 20. i cant picture 25 but i hope i get there. i couldn’t imagine moving out of my moms house, or moving out of texas. and i moved across the country. i couldn’t imagine anyone ever loving me enough to deal with my bpd, or to want to live with me ontop of that, and im living with my partner who loves me enough to do things my sensory issues make it hard to do, who helps me work through episodes and who loves me even when i can’t feel it. who does everything they can to show me. maybe i will get better one day. i cant imagine any of this lasting, i can’t imagine my bpd going into remission. heres to hoping i keep proving myself wrong..

i need to just start rambling on tumblr abt shit instead of bothering my fp before i ruin things

i just wanna feel something. anything but  just what my fp gives me. its like i forget how to be a person. i get so sucked into their life and nothing matters or feels the same anymore in my brain. please god i just want to be able to enjoy things again. i just want to like things that arent him. please

i jst wanna feel loved beyond the warm waybeing drunk makes me feel

i wanna die so badly i think shes gonna leave me

i wanna bang mg head into a wall. i wamma ask them whats going on amd if indid anytjing wrong and if theu still lvoe me but if theyre upset amd dealomg with stuff indomt wanna be selfish amd makenrhem deal with how im feeling so i somt wannanask but indomt knowhownto feel better without them

my fp has been kinda off today said they wanna be alone and im sure its just like. rheyre dealimg with something but anyways. my brains on fire and im not sure if they love me anymore amd i loterally feel sick

anyone else feel genuinely worthless whenever you cant help your fp feel better. it makes me feel like im not good enough, i know logically its just that their brain doesn’t work like mine does, my presence n my words can’t instantly make them feel better like theirs can for me. but idk. brain translates that into me being worthless and them not loving me.

i have so much trauma im not healed from and hearing music associated w any of it or the people or the time is varying degrees of triggering n its. not very great but idk how to heal from my trauma. i just get high constantly when im alone to avoid thinking about it and when stuff gets too bad i just have a big breakdown for two or three days and then im good again for a little while unless something happens. i dunno.

i think my fp is going to leave me. they keep saying they arent and that they still love me and that they just feel off recently but idk. it feels like they feel off and dont love me anymore because of it and they message so much less and the way we talk feels different and i feel. so out of control of everything i am so nauseous right now i just want them to love me the way they didna few days ago whydoesnit feel like everything changed over night ithougit ive been doing good this time ithought stuff was working. i dont wanna lose them. i dont think they care about me anymore though. i wanna die so badly

making sure i have a good playlist for background music to my breakdowns because in my head im on a tv show and i have to entertain the audience

not gonna lie i didnt think id make it to 18 for a really long time and the fact that im.. turning fucking 19 makes me want to throw up i have no clue what im doing with my life or how to live past highschool