lies of the sea

Regulus Black couldn’t help the anger and envy coursing through his veins. 

He had always been angry and jealous, beneath his apathetic exterior and under the walls he built, he was filled to the very brim with resentment. 

It was unfair how other, stupider, and ignorant children had loving parents, it was unfair how his blood traitor brother could so easily escape the clutches of their family, and it was especially unfair for a pathetic mudblood to receive all of James’ affection. 

She hadn’t even wanted it at first, she took his heart, and stomped on it until it was nothing more than mush and jelly, and Regulus had been there to pick up the pieces and rebuild James. Regulus was the one present at the Astronomy Tower the night Lily Evans rejected James again, he’d (admittedly hesitantly) had allowed James to sit down and cry in the cold night wind with him, and he allowed his repressed feelings from first year to return. 

And Regulus and James had been happy. Between secret kisses in broomclosets after hours and midnight flying on brooms over the Forbidden Forest, Regulus was in love. 

The sun had looked down on him, the sun had embraced him, and after persistence, he had given in to the sun. He had bared his ugly dark soul, and the sun had taken it, and accepted him.

So why, why did she catch feelings?

Why did she want James back?

And why did he go?

Evans could have had anyone, anyone else. She was a brilliant witch, she was well loved, intelligent, brave, and beautiful, and could have had anyone. But she just had to desire the only color in Regulus’ achromatic life. 

Despite its secrecy, Regulus thought he and James were exclusive, special even, more than just shag buddies.  They never really actually talked, Regulus would make sure to cut James off whenever he tried, so they never labeled themselves. Regulus felt all their actions were like one of someone dating. That it was a relationship. He really thought and believed they were something.

So could you blame his devastation when he found out they were nothing? 

Could you blame Regulus for his fury, when he saw Evans and Potter in the library, him holding out a crimson carnation, and she accepting it, twirling the flower in her perfect little fingers, giggling and tucking it behind her ear. He leaned in, whispered something to her in which she tilted her perfect little head and laughed at. 

James had been bringing Regulus red carnations for weeks, sometimes fresh in a bouquet, or small dried ones tucked in between the pages of a muggle book he persuaded the pure-blood into reading. 

Lily Evans could have every damn flower she wanted in the world, she could have all the marigolds, and lilies, and roses, and dahlias, and tulips. Everything but red carnations. 

Sure, Regulus could have tried to reduce all of this to James just wanting to be friends with Evans now, he could have told himself that he had no right to force James to ignore his ex-crushes, and he could have chalked everything up to something normal and innocent.

Until he saw that look in Potter’s eyes. 

Warm, longing, and love.

Sure, James had given Regulus warmth, he’d been supportive, he’d been caring and sweet and so on, but Regulus couldn’t be sure if it was truly love in his eyes when he looked at him, or lust. And the love James felt for Evans surpassed whatever miniscule amount he had for Regulus. 

Did James ever even cared for Regulus? Or was he just a replacement for Evans. Another person with a prickly personality that Potter could chase after?

Regulus had been desperate to believe that he did, that he does. 

Until, from his spot hidden behind a bookshelf after Evans had left, he saw Sirius approaching James. 

“I got to say, Prongs, you might actually have a chance this time,” Sirius said, slinging his arm around James’ shoulders, “She didn’t hex your bollocks off the second you opened your mouth!”

James smiled, “Yeah, progress mate, progress.”

“I knew you’d come crawling back. What happened to all that stuff about being over her, huh? Back to your lovesick ways, red carnations for Evans, eh? Not something like lilies or roses? More romantic?” 

“They’re nice flowers!” James said, protesting.

‘No,’ Regulus wanted to say, ‘They’re horrible, horrible, disgusting flowers.” 

But he didn’t. And he didn’t want to hear any more of this damn conversation. And he didn’t want to be Potter’s weekend lover. 

Regulus had managed to avoid James for nearly two weeks, he surrounded himself with people, Barty, Evan, Snape, and even Avery. People that James would never dare walk up and try to talk to Regulus around. 

He had been quite successful in making sure he wasn’t alone, until one evening where he had been called by Slughorn to discuss his ah, yes, once in a lifetime brilliance and unmatched peerless talent in Potions. Regulus had been walking back to the common room, and then was unfortunately (or fortunately) cornered by Potter.

“Why are you avoiding me?” Potter asked, in a tone as if he was entitled to an answer or explanation. 

Regulus didn’t reply, choosing to look at the floor. 

“What did I do wrong?” Potter asked, in a hurt tone. How dare- how dare he be hurt. How utterly repulsive of him to come up to Regulus and act like he hasn’t spent the past two weeks giving Evans a flower nearly every other day, how dare he act like he’s the one deserving of an apology, and acting so, so innocent. 

“Let’s stop seeing each other."

The words came out of Regulus’ mouth, strange and monotone. 

“What?” 

“Let’s stop seeing each other.” Regulus simply repeated, pushing his way out of Potter’s grasp that had slackened, and resumed walking.

James had the gall to look astonished. “Reg-I don’t understand-” he said desperately, his hand reaching out to catch nothing but air. “What’s wrong? What happened?”

Regulus wanted to fold. He wanted to cry and collapse, he wanted to scream about how utterly unfair it was, and how much he hated James for doing this to him. For giving him the sun, and then taking it back to give to someone else, and pretending that’s fine. 

Because the sun was all he had. Regulus didn’t have the stars or the moon, all he had was the warmth from the sun. 

But he didn’t. Because James may have taken his love, his mind, and his heart, but Regulus would rather be damned than let Potter take his dignity as well. 

“I don’t ever want to see you again.” He said, his voice cold. 

(Lies, he knew, he wished nothing more than to confide in James, and James would tell him that it's all a joke and he doesn’t care about Evans anymore, and that he was only humoring her.)

But Regulus couldn’t stand being secondary. 

and before he left the library that horrid day, he’d heard Sirius continuing to chat with James. Unaware and foolishly. 

“You really love her don’t you, mate?” Sirius said, his tone light.