Quite Mike

I remember the first time I heard the Philippine Meistersingers sing! It was during the 2010 US Tour and I saw them at the First Filipino SDA Church. I was so amazed! I remember recording their singing on my phone while I was sitting in the pews, just to even capture even a part of what I was actually hearing. I knew the recording would never give justice to the actual experience of listening to them in person, but even a simple recording was even more than enough for me to keep a remembrance to reexperience a part of the moment, the blessing I received that Sabbath. When I arrived in AUP and studied nursing in 2011, I knew that there were choirs holding auditions. I just never went to them because I didn't want to embarrass myself, for I had no understanding of voices (tenor, bass, baritone, etc.), can't read notes, and the only time I understood the directors lead was when to stop, start and hold a note. Eventually my third year at AUP, my small group formed a choir which I participated in, but eventually due to the lack of commitment of the members, that experience was also short-lived. Oh how I missed out in the opportunity to give praise to God through singing in a choir. Although I no longer sing in a choir, I just take advantages of the opportunities to praises to Him with the congregation in church services. When I see uploads, when I attend church at PIC or if Philippine Meistersingers are touring here in the US, I am so blessed. The quality of music that is produced and experiencing it in person is so profound. Every time I listen to the choir sing, it brings me back to that very first day of when I first heard them, trying to save a piece of the experience for another time, to travel back in time to that very moment, when singing, when music had the greatest impact on my life. I may not know all of you but I do know that there is something in each of you that calls you to sing. You have taken the initiative to stand for something above yourself and be something more than about yourself. Your singing may be quite overshadowed by the world of entertainment, but you are not entertainment. Entertainment has a lot to do with the little moments of feelings that may or may not leave an everlasting impression on someone's life. What you do is not entertainment, it is ministry. Ministry, the very act of being blessed and sharing your blessings with others that they may know God, and know Him better. Everyone on this earth is suffering, although at different extents, we ALL have our struggles. The struggles may be so difficult you could say that these matters put your heart, your life in a discord. So as a choir, as a group of individuals you are really standing as singing group with lives of discord. However, despite the different stresses on your life, you still carry something powerful, a voice, your own individual voice and story. When you sing, you sing your story, your life, your joys, and your sorrows. The more you practice, the more you tune yourself not only to the demands of the music piece, but also to the glory and awesomeness of God. Your relationship with Him can definitely be reflected in your singing. God blessed you with one voice and when joined with other voices, you can create a harmony. As an individual you may seem small in your own life and with what may seem like the tiniest and lonely voice without accompaniment. But with the desire and pursuit of harmony in your life, you found a haven in your singing group, in God's choir for you. You are surrounded by individuals with similar struggles as you, who know you by your strength and flaws, who may even break you and build you up. When you're with these individuals you stand not broken, but united. Despite the stresses and hardships, one thing remains consistent - God first. When you stand where you are and sing with your group, you are giving your testimony. When you sing, you do not merely stress hitting the right note but also stress capturing and expressing the right atmosphere and tone. When you sing you do not merely aim for the applause at the end of your singing, but to have one profound song or message left in at least one person's SOUL for the rest of their life! When you sing, you do not give glory to yourself but to God. Despite how broken you are in your life, when you unite your will with God's will, God's purpose for you,  letting God use you as a blessing for others, you not only produce, but experience true harmony. When you sing, it is not to please people just because they paid for your presence or because they have high praises for you and your group; these are the small matters. When you sing, you show people how good God is. Like how you chose to join your singing group, you chose God, you chose ministry! Your life may be in such discord, but every moment you stand sing for Him, people cannot deny how much wonderful things He can do for you as we aim to do things for Him. Your ministry is not just about beautiful music, but beautiful living, by a beautiful lifestyle that is in harmony with God and His will. So in the moments that prove most difficult, just Hold On! You may receive the complaints and the drama of being the choir that you are, but that’s what happens when you are close to Him. In addition to such drama, practices are hard, strenuous and exhaust you holistically. Most people cannot say that they have experienced what you have or are still going through - late night practices, strict rules for diet, relentless criticism, and much more. What you bear now is already difficult, but God will not let you have more than you can bear. By continually giving your best, setting new limits, testing your faith and character, you’ve achieved growth in your relationship with God as well as a sense of fulfilment in your service for His kingdom.

Look what at what has been produced from your active and enthusiastic involvement. You give people a second look at what music should sound like, what harmony is really like. You’re like God’s chosen tuners of the soul, what was once in discord, now is restored to the tune that is harmonized with Him. Life without God not only feels but truly is a life of misery and what you sing are the songs of true hope, joy and love. You give God the big voice that most people refuse to listen to on a daily basis (the still small voice). God may come to them knocking, but you come to them with His voice, face to face. With this in mind, let your voice be heard! Let God be heard! And may you continue to be a blessing to others who seek this harmony with Him. Continue to tune souls back to the integrity our loving, heavenly Father meant for them to be and more! God be with you.

 I break down this blog post in 7 parts – I Failed for These Possible Reasons, My Latest Study Routine, Last Week Prior to My Exam, Day of the Exam, My Advice for the Burdens and Anxiety, My Materials, My Review Progress and Logs.

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 I FAILED FOR THESE POSSIBLE REASONS

Arrogance – Ignorance. My expectation for the NCLEX-RN was that I would be able to pass without working hard and be able to give my bare minimum. If anything I would just have to skim over some topics to be able to remember some content and how to apply them, so I finished a 2008 Saunders review book. After finishing the book I had realized that it was more ideal for nursing school; it would have definitely helped me understand topics with bulleted notes. Anyway, despite my readings and practice questions, this was still my bare minimum. I assumed NCLEX-RN and nursing school exams would be very much the same, but they aren’t. I found that out the hard way and failed in 76 questions. The only difference between my first take and my second take was that I did a little bit more questions before my second exam and I only skimmed over a priority and delegation book. Wasted the second $200 because I thought I had already read and practiced enough; I missed out in being familiar with the concepts. I thought I knew enough, so I missed out on learning more.

 Anxiety. Before I took the first exam, I thought things would be no problem, but once I found out how vulnerable I was after failing, I started to break. After failing my first exam, soon followed a breakup, and after that I started focusing again on the pressure of passing. I kept thinking that if I could just pass that I would be happy - I would easily get over the break up, I would earn enough money to start paying back my parents and support the family, and I wouldn’t have to keep letting people know that I failed my exam or even lie about it if they ask me about it. This was still not enough. The second time I took my exam, every time I clicked “next” for the following question, I always carried and focused on those burdens with moderate to high anxiety. Towards the end of my second exam, I only wanted to run away and keep clicking “next” until the exam would ultimately stop. I rushed to the finish line with panic and failed in 124 questions. My focus was on failing everyone around me.

 Unrelenting Checkups. If someone in your close circle of friends is taking the NCLEX-RN around the same time you are, most likely parents are going to start talking. One day you’ll just be sitting at church or something and then you get the barrage of questions about your NCLEX-RN experience. They’re going to squeeze out the remaining self-esteem out of you because in the end, all you can say is “I don’t know what happened,” “I hope I’ll pass next time around,” or any other indefinite answer. If you’re not strong enough, their questions may just break you down. I despised those talks because I never liked participating in them when I’m most vulnerable. My low self-esteem wasn’t an invitation for parents to make me feel more like an incompetent young adult so I avoided them and hardly looked to them for advice. I always felt the presence of every individual older than me who ever asked about my NCLEX-RN experience. I hate letting people down, so this was added pressure for me.

 Little to no footsteps to follow. I wanted to know the specifics of how to study for the exam, but I thought the exam would be a different experience for everyone so I never believed that there would be only one way to pass the exam. I thought it would be ridiculous that there would be one popular solution to be able to pass the exam as if the NCLEX-RN had a cheat code that you could use in order to pass just by following a simply regimen. Some people say just do questions and other people said they lacked in content. I was so confused and didn’t know where to place my focus and it didn’t make it any better when I received many study materials from my friends – so many books at my disposable, but didn’t know which one would be effective.

 MY LATEST STUDY ROUTINE

It is so difficult sticking to a study schedule and I couldn’t stick to reviewing for consecutive hours. The first two times I took my exam I had my exam scheduled for 8am (I didn’t know you could schedule your exam in the afternoon). I woke up every morning around 8, but kept aiming for 4 or 6am because I knew that by the time it was afternoon, there would be some reason for me to leave the house or be busy – tennis, going out for lunch, friends, or errands. I was very unreliable when it came to sticking to my review schedule my first two times in preparing for the NCLEX.

After failing my second time I focused on being more task-oriented – finishing a task, making the time count rather than counting time. I personally cannot study 4-6 hours a day, even with breaks, I feel stressed, bored and ultimately…sleepy. I scheduled my exam for 12:15pm this time, so I didn’t feel guilty for waking up at 10am on most days just to start my review. I couldn’t wake up earlier than that because if I did, by 12pm I would already feel sleepy again.

I started my review in May and reviewed 5 days a week (Mon-Fri) - waking up, doing my devotional (Bible-reading, specifically the gospels, and prayer), shower, breakfast, audio lecture, lunch, questions and done. I didn’t listen to an audio lecture every day, but I knew for sure that I would be missing out if I didn’t do questions every review day. You can refer to my question log at the end of this post for how many questions I did, but you will notice that I didn’t always stay consistent with the amount of questions I did, but I was consistent in accomplishing questions for the week if not for the day. I was thinking that ideally I would pursue 100 questions a day, but eventually that soon turned into at least 500 questions a week.

Whenever I got a headache I took a break. I knew that if I were going to review and cram that I would learn and retain nothing. It’s more effective to review when your mind is clear and you don’t feel crammed so rest when you need to. Eventually with such a comfortable routine that produces good results and productivity, you work yourself in the best condition you can be. Learn to be at your best while learning and doing your practice tests and you will be able apply being at your best while taking your actual exam. Rest is part of the preparation.

 LAST WEEK PRIOR TO MY EXAM

A week prior to my exam I only had questions left to do and notes to look over. I just did comprehensive tests in my Lippencott book and went over the questions I got wrong on UWorld. I looked over some notes and some topics that I knew for sure that I would fail at if I didn’t understand, like heart landmarks and changing a colostomy bag.

The morning of the day before my exam, I realized that I needed to look over insulin again because the different types (rapid, intermediate and long-acting) were something that I got confused with when comparing the generic and trade names, but when I started reading I got a bad headache two sentences into my notes. I decided to just leave it to God and let it be. I realized that all my preparation was already done and set in since May. I was as ready as I would ever be; this is the first time I prepared well in advance for an exam. The sum of my productivity in review was already set in stone in my past and all I had to do was show up to the exam and apply whatever I learned in the long-run. In the end I just relaxed, spent time with friends, went out to eat with my dad and played some tennis.

 DAY OF THE EXAM

Before I got in my exam room I prayed. My first 50 questions I took my time and finished them in 1 hour before taking my first break (12:50pm). I was predicting that I would take at least 3 hours to complete my exam, with breaks, but I actually finished in about 2 hours and 50 minutes. After I had taken my first break I realized that some of the questions were actually easier than others. There were questions that I was able to reason out and eliminate answers for quicker than others. At times the exam felt easy; some questions I took less than a minute, others were maybe more than 2 minutes. Originally I had planned to answer 50 questions before taking a break, but by the time I reached 100 questions, I still felt good and decided to go on without a break. I wasn’t trying to force myself, but I really did feel relaxed and I wasn’t straining my brain cells. In the end it took an hour and 50 minutes (120 minutes) to finish around the next 70 questions. I forgot what number my last question was but it was around 133. I was very relaxed during my exam with minimal stress and very moderate confidence to be sure of what I knew and reviewed. I probably second guessed myself twice out of all the 133 or so questions. I prayed thanking God for the experience. I trust in Him and I believed that this was truly the best testing experience that I have ever had in my life.

 MY ADVICE FOR THE BURDENS AND ANXIETY

“I’m the only one who hasn’t passed out of my friends.” It’s very nice to hear that your friends are passing, but it can be very depressing if you drift towards more of the idea that you’re being left behind. The Bible says, “In their hearts humans plan their course, but the LORD establishes their steps” (Proverbs 16:9). Just because we go through nursing school and pass, doesn’t necessarily mean we are entitled to become registered nurses, otherwise we should have received the license with our diplomas. Being a registered nurse would be so awesome now, but if we fail, we failed for a reason. Sometimes we believe that we should always have things happen the way we want to, but the way we want things to happen may not always be the best for us. If you know you don’t understand critical thinking, are you sure you want to endanger the life of a client just because you want two letters next to your name? Nursing isn’t just a paycheck, it’s a profession, a profession that cares. Failing twice has made me realize that just because I graduated nursing school it doesn’t mean that I should just stop learning; there is always something to learn and different countries have different standards. If that something to learn is what it takes to be a better nurse, I want to make sure I’m equipped with that before caring for my first client. Passing or being finished with the NCLEX exam is not a race, it is part of the journey that takes preparation; passing the NCLEX is an accomplishment made on the course of your journey not made when you choose not to journey anymore. You’re not following anyone after nursing school, you’re the next leader, next professional after nursing school. Your timing may be different than the others, but God also made you different than others. The more you realize how unique your journey is, the more you realize how unique you are and in the end you’ll realize and appreciate the journey you made over the years just to make it to the best place you can be in your life. The best is yet to come even if we don’t see the destinations we may reach tomorrow, let God take care of that.

 “I’m scared that I might fail.” I can’t say that I know what preparation you took and that you’re ready, but I can say that if you know your capacity and you did your best that you should be confident in your best. The Bible says “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight” (Proverbs 3:5-6). You should never have to be sorry for your best, if you lack anything, may God lend you a hand. Should you ultimately fail may God ultimately give you the knowledge and understanding that you need to pass by understanding the reasons why you failed. It’s best to be aware of our mistakes so that we may ultimately be successful without being slowed down by them. Each time you take the NCLEX whether it be your first time or third time like me, just before the exam, you already know that there’s nothing else left to do but pray and trust God. It’s one thing to be excited but another to be anxious. Be excited that this may be your last exam; be excited that God can do great things through you. Don’t be scared to try, don’t be sorry for trying, sorry for having dreams, or sorry for wanting to be the best nurse you can be. It’s ok to be anxious, just a little, because you can’t completely get rid of it, and this little bit of anxiety will keep you focused, but too much anxiety will make you blind and you can’t focus on anything else but failing. Let’s not be scared to fail, but be excited that not just today, but every day you are doing better than the last and eventually today may just be that day you passed!

 “I don’t know a lot of things still!” You’re not supposed to know everything on the exam, but knowing the important things that will definitely kill your clients is good place to start in regards to learning how to prioritize safety. The NCLEX is a test on safety, not a test about 5,001 fun facts on nursing. One of the next important things to practice and know how to do is answer questions, that’s how you prove your competency – knowing what you’re being asked and addressing the question or concern that is being inquired. You just have to know enough to pass, you don’t have to know everything. Be persistent in answering your questions and I stress priority and delegation along with the most important medical emergencies as well as lab values. “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding” (Proverbs 9:10). Focus not on what you don’t know, but focus on what you do know and whatever else you find lacking, may God make them known to you that you may understand what’s in front of you.

 Anxiety vs God. “There is no fear in love but perfect love casteth out fear; because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.” (1 John 4:18). If you take the word love out and exchange it with trust [in God], it is also applicable. There are fears when taking this exam, yes, but there is also joys when finishing this exam. According to this verse in the Bible, we only lack trust or have trust in God, trust in His love, or don’t. “For with God nothing shall be impossible” (Luke 1:37). It’s very possible to pass this exam, it’s a 200% chance to pass this exam with God. However, it’s very unlikely to pass this exam in fear and anxiety because the more we focus on such anxiety and failure, the less we can actually concentrate on the exam. I prefer to have the least amount of anxiety and most amount of God with me during my exam than to have the least amount of confidence in God and most amount of anxiety. If we cannot trust ourselves, may we trust in God and not just the day of the exam, but daily even after whether we fail and need to build that relationship again until the next try or we if pass and need Him to lead us to opportunity and to guide us to give the best care we can possibly give for our clients. Fending off anxiety is a daily battle and building a relationship and trust in God is a daily opportunity. May God have His way in us, may we be the best nurses that He wants us to be!

 Here are some of my other favorite memories that helped encourage me for my exam:

“Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variablness, neither shadow of turning.” James 1:17

“This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us – whatever we ask – we know that we have what we asked of Him.” 1 John 5:14, 15

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him – for those who have been called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28

“Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it shall be yours.” Mark 11:24

 MY MATERIALS

In respect to intellectual property, I will not be openly sharing the materials that were shared with me.

 140 Must Know Meds by Jon Haws RN CCRN (2015) https://www.amazon.com/140-Must-Know-Meds-Pharmacology-ebook/dp/B00RG1C2L6#nav-subnav

I’m very weak in my pharmacology. I had difficulty making any sense between classifications of particular drugs and their effects; the only thing I could tell you was that the side effects of drugs were nausea, vomiting and headache. So in the beginning during the time I was listening to Hurst audio lectures (which a friend shared with me), I would look up and write down certain drugs based on the system being review for the particular day. If today I listened to a cardio lecture, I would do cardio questions and look up cardio drugs using this book. I didn’t pay for this book because I think I subscribed to an emailing list from https://www.nrsng.com and they sent it out one time and I just so happened to have received it in my inbox.

Did this ultimately help? Yes, it definitely made knowing medications easier. The medications were like quick notes, like your own personal booklet of common drugs; looking them up and writing them down again by systems made things seem less overwhelming. This definitely decreased my fear of medications showing up on the practice test and NCLEX-RN exam.

 Prioritization, Delegation & Management of Care for the NCLEX-RN Exam by Hargrove-Huttel, and Colgrove (2014) https://www.amazon.com/Prioritization-Delegation-Management-Care-NCLEX-RN%C2%AE/dp/0803633130

This would have definitely helped me out big time during my preparation for my NCLEX-RN the first time around. Many people recommend the author LaCharity, but because this was also a material shared by a friend, I started this one instead. I went through the entire book, which is all questions and rationales, and only did 25 questions per system out of the 75-100 that was actually there (and 100 questions out of the 100+ questions for the comprehensive test). Because of this book, the NCLEX-RN was very much easier for me. The rationales seemed to get more repetitive as I continued throughout the book so I proceeded to do at least 25 questions per system (I would repeat or do more if I think I needed improvement). What makes each system unique in priority and delegation is the cases and disorders that are considered medical emergencies. If you know and are aware of these medical emergencies, you’ve made priority much easier.

Did this ultimately help? Yes, my comprehension of priority and delegation greatly improved! If you need a priority and delegation book, I recommend this one. It’s not as easy as you think; especially if this is your first time taking these kinds of questions, so this will definitely open up your eyes. The learning experience is real in this book. I think this is a must-have, especially for students of foreign nursing programs.

 Lippincott Q&A Review for NCLEX-RN by Billings and Hensel (2015) https://www.amazon.com/Lippincott-Review-NCLEX-RN-Lippincotts-CD/dp/1451172281

This book was recommended by a friend who passed his third time also. I bought this book after the first time I failed. I realized how difficult and challenging these questions were. After failing the first time, I realized that it matters how difficult are the questions that you answer during your practice tests. The NCLEX gives you a variety of easy to hard questions. If you want to prove your competency you have to answer the hard questions, not the easy questions. This book has over 100 questions for each topic, but I neglected this book because I would complete the practices tests in one sitting. I hated rationalizing them in one sitting, so my relationship with this book was short-lived. I should have done sets of 25 questions and rationales to make it more effect, but after giving up on the book before my second attempt at my exam, I no longer wanted to pick it back up.

Did this ultimately help? Yes, in boosting my self-esteem and desensitizing myself to difficult questions. In my preparation for my third attempt at the NCLEX, I utilized the comprehensive tests, answering 75 or 100 questions out of the 200+ questions per comprehensive test. This helped build my confidence and my exposure to difficult questions. I think if I had stayed with this reference and had done practice questions and rationalization more effectively from the start, I probably wouldn’t have needed to take the NCLEX for the third time. I believe this book is a great review as a question bank.

 UWorld https://www.uworld.com/NCLEX/nclex_rn_qbank.aspx

This is one of the most popular NCLEX review products that has been recommended to me from friends and other individuals who have passed the NCLEX. I could understand why the prefer it so much – the questions are very challenging, the question layout is very much similar to that of the actual NCLEX, and the interaction is similar to the actual NCLEX with hotspots and list sequences. This product which can be used on your computer, tablet or phone is very useful and if anything desensitizes your fear of the NCLEX. I thought some of these questions were harder than my actual exam. I started using this a month before I took my NCLEX the third time. I had finished using Hurst audio lectures, the 140 medications book, NCLEX RN Mastery and was more than halfway finished with my priority and delegation book before starting UWorld.

Did this ultimately help? Yes, I was desensitized to the difficulty of the NCLEX-RN exam through UWorld; I am a UWorld user who passed NCLEX-RN. I never finished all the questions, but of the questions that I already did, I had an average of 51% and after redoing the questions I got wrong (and doing several of these kinds of practice tests) I got 54%. This helps, but I only recommend using this comprehensively, setting up practice tests to include all topics instead of setting up practice tests that focus on a particular system or topic. Treat UWorld like a question bank for comprehensive tests. I realized that after using UWorld, my scores on other resources and question banks like Lippencott were higher. Some people claim to have passed solely by using UWorld.

 NCLEX RN Mastery https://app.nclexmastery.com/

I’ve had this app for the longest time. I’ve finished the app 3 times, finishing all the questions before each exam. I cheated myself the first time by memorizing answers and answer placements as opposed to understanding the answers and rationales behind them. I found this app most useful when I would study by systems alongside Hurst audio lectures. Some people pass just using Hurst review and NCLEX-RN Mastery. Maybe if I had also used the priority and delegation book with this, I may have had a better chance at passing.

Did this ultimately help? Yes, for strengthening my comprehension for body systems. I went through their terminology the first time around, but never went over it again. I engaged myself in their practice style questions, but stopped using their tests and quizzes. I took my time answering questions with this app. If I was on-the-go, this was my app to use to at least get some questions accomplished for the day. This app helps reinforce your knowledge and comprehension of systems and I think it helped.

 Brilliant Nurse http://nclex.brilliantnurse.com/?affcode=22891_z584uwui *This is an affiliate link*

In preparation for my third attempt at the NCLEX-RN, this test prep company reached out to me and offered me the opportunity to be one of their affiliates. I promote whatever products I like and earn commission for whatever I sell. Personally I’ve only tried the NCLEX-RN Review Package. I think this product is nice, especially for the foreigners who especially have English as a second language because paying attention to the sentence structure and vocabulary for the exam will greatly affect your testing experience and performance. Instead of reading a heavy loaded book like Saunders, Brilliant Nurse has short notes to be able to get just concise and most significant knowledge you need to know for the NCLEX exam. Despite each system not being addressed, Brilliant Nurse focuses on the categories of the exam which are mentioned here - (https://www.ncsbn.org/2013_NCLEX_RN_Test_Plan.pdf). The focus is on overall comprehensive nursing knowledge to be able to pass the NCLEX as opposed to taking time to just start cardio, renal, integumentary, etc. The course is tailored for passing so if you should fail (and hopefully not), you’ll be provided a free subscription and learning support until you pass!

Did this ultimately help? Yes, for stamina. I started this product too late to fully appreciate it, but I went through the NCLEX RN Review Package and noticed that some content mentioned in their course would have been very useful the first time around when I took my NCLEX, especially as a foreign nursing school graduate. I used their question banks that had 200 question tests to test my stamina. I had 59% on one of them (My stamina was weak and started to rush again). This course is helpful, but personally I used it to test my stamina for questions and utilized their test taking strategies that they included.

 Hurst Audio Lectures https://www.hurstreview.com/

These audio lectures were shared with me by a friend. I typed out my notes while listening to the lecture. There were handouts, but I don’t learn by filling out fill-in-the-blanks, I write the notes and concepts in my own words in a way I understand it. I learned more about medical emergencies and human physiology when listening to the lectures.

Did it ultimately help? Yes, my understanding of body systems improved. I like to follow along by listening and I imagine the mechanisms and functions of the body better in a discussion-like atmosphere.

 Mark Klimek Audio Lectures http://www.markklimeknclexreview.com/

These audio lectures were also shared with me by a friend. Like Hurst audio lectures I typed out my notes and was actively listening to the lectures. I started listening to these lectures 5 weeks before taking my NCLEX and I was using UWorld questions alongside this lecture. After lecture I would do some UWorld questions. He is formerly a test question maker, but is now a test reviewer.

Did it ultimately help? Yes, in test-taking strategies. I don’t know if it was just because his lectures were more recent that I remembered, but while taking my NCLEX, I retained and I used his strategies to help me answer questions, at least the very difficult ones, which weren’t too many.

 MY REVIEW PROGRESS AND LOGS

Here are my logged activities and scores on my materials. You can just scan my scores and realize that I wasn’t a top scorer.

  I used the priority and delegation book with NCLEX RN Mastery and Hurst audio lectures and accomplished my tasks according to systems. This was for the first month or so before I started using UWorld and listening to Mark Klimek lectures. I recommend studying/reviewing by systems and then after going through all the systems, go back to the systems or topics that you are weakest in and then start reviewing and doing questions comprehensively, not limited by specific systems and topics.

As you can see I didn’t accomplish many tests. I finished 2 comprehensive tests, but I forgot to log the other score in. I did the comprehensive tests in 75-100 questions, depending on my mood.

 As you can see I didn’t log in my hours, I just logged in tasks. It was more ideal for me to finish at least SOMETHING for the day than cram in a topic in several hours with breaks that I couldn’t commit to. I’m more task-oriented. I was happy and satisfied enough to accomplish a little bit, but there would be days when I would try to make up for the lack of weekly questions.

When they told me to do questions, I didn’t take them seriously the first or second time before taking my NCLEX, but before I took it this third time, I already knew I didn’t want to repeat. I encourage you not to be discouraged with low practice test scores, but to look forward to the opportunity of learning before you take your exam. Better to know your mistakes before the actual exam and if I made 2000 questions worth of mistakes, I’m glad and thankful enough to even retain 1000 rationales that I understood. When it comes to the exam if any of those 1000 rationales can be used for the actual exam, I already have confidence that I will not make the same mistake twice!

I didn’t have high scores and I didn’t finish the entire question bank. In the end I had a 51% for the entire question bank and ended up with a 54% after correcting all the questions I got wrong.

 NCLEX RN Mastery questions were most convenient for me on-the-go. I did questions on my phone, did questions on my tablet and I treated this app like it was a video game. I redid some questions for Nursing Fundamentals, Labs, and Psych, which would explain why my percentages are much higher than the others.

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Thank you very much for taking your time to skim if not read the entire article! I was thinking to make a video about all of this, but I was conscious of time for those individuals who wanted to know what I did and were planning to make some decisions soon in regards to their review. I plan to still make videos and share some insights or some tips for taking on the NCLEX, so if you’re interested in that, sign up with YouTube and subscribe to my channel!

https://www.youtube.com/user/MICrighthere

In this society, there are young people impressed with the idea that being in a relationship is what completes you. “I have everything that I want in life right now, the only thing lacking is someone special in my life.” Many teenagers and youth may even be influenced with the idea that being in a relationship makes the emptiness go away. Although life may not seem its best, when there is someone by your side to support you, everything becomes much better. To my experience this is only part of what they actually see, only part of what actually happens.

There will be that individual on the radio who “sings” a song about how he can make his girl’s world better. How he could provide her with everything she needs and even everything she wants. Whatever she wants, he can provide her with it. He “sings” about how much better of a man he is, especially given his status, his wealth, and fame.

I admit, I too have been influenced by the idea that being a lady’s knight in shining armor will definitely win her heart, especially after I’ve seen all the sweet stuff that’s done in romantic comedies. Once all of the sweet gestures have been performed, the relationship should carry itself out naturally and work out its happily ever after, right?

Just complete a woman’s world and you’ve done it! You’ve finished your work! You’ve gained a large accomplishment! It should be smooth sailing from here. But you may not know what you’ve done or what you think you’re doing.

I have girl friends, with their own respective struggles. These friends are usually classmates or friends of friends who I have been introduced to and have bonded with by listening to them and discussing their problems. I do take pleasure in helping friends with their struggles, giving insight, sharing stories and exchanging ideas. One expression that I never failed to hear was, “if only guys were more like you” (and most of the struggles they had were guy problems). So after a while a particular idea would cross my mind from time to time, “Would life be better for them if they had someone like me as their boyfriend? Would life really be better if their guys of interests were more like me? Would it ever be enough if they were?” I would even go as far as to imagine what it would like if I was a boyfriend to some of my friends and see how much better or “complete” the relationship would be. However, I’ve learned with experience that I should never desire or even convince myself that I could complete or make a girl’s world better just by being in a relationship with them.

Here are my reasons why:

I’m only human and she shouldn’t depend on me. She deserves a solid rock in her life. Before any guy should propose to a girl with a wedding band, with a diamond ring, with a shiny, highly expensive rock, he should propose to keep one rock in her life, and that’s God. God doesn’t lie, God is perfect, loving and wonderful. Those are all things alone that I cannot say about myself or demonstrate consistently in my life.

Like in my previous article, Desires to be the Best Third-Wheel, I prefer to be the support. Although my significant other may be attracted to me, she shouldn’t want to be me, but wanted to be like Jesus. I’ve made my mistakes and I will keep on making them if I don’t behold God in my personal life. Her quality of life will not be better by beholding my life, but by beholding God in her own personal life. She would be more blessed this way in being able to look by her side and see someone supporting her all the way. A diamond ring never guaranteed a relationship to get through the struggles of life, or guaranteed its own longevity. A relationship with God for both bride and groom respectively, prepared them for the struggles of life, the chapter of the marriage life, and kept them strong to be able to maximize the longevity of their relationship with one another.

“I am the vine, ye are the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth much fruit: for without me ye can do nothing” (John 15:5 KJV). Jesus is saying here that if we hope to do much in this life, we are to achieve it because of Him as He is “the way, the truth, and the life” (John 14:6). Life isn’t fully experienced by all the negative matters that bring us down to desire death, but it is full experienced by the standards of living that Jesus demonstrated and taught about.

Her life isn’t complete when I walk into her life, but her life may be better if I may be more of a blessing to her if I support her (in her relationship with God).

I may be tempted to make and pressure her into decisions she’s not ready to make or commit to. One of my friends asked me under the right circumstances, if I had all the money, if I had the means to provide, if I was married right now at 23, would I want to have children? My answer was no. Maybe if I was already in my 30’s but not in my 20’s. I believe right now is the time that I need to work the most and accomplish things for myself and for God. If I were to have children, my focus would be even more divided. My work, my focus would not be about how much I could accomplish for society, or in the years of my prime but it would divided with the focus of upbringing the next generation, caring for my child or children in my family. I believe that there is a time for everything done under the sun, but having children in my 20’s is not one of them. Under the right circumstances, although I could have children, I would prefer not to have children if it meant that I wasn’t at a particular age or at a time in my life when I have accomplished much in my youth.

In a similar way, just because you could be in a relationship with someone doesn’t mean that you have to be or feel obliged to. It’s nice to be admired and it’s nice to admire, but getting together with someone for the sake of feeling less lonely, for exchanging “I love you’s” and having someone to talk to all the time should not be enough to convince you to be in a romantic relationship with someone. You could chat, spend time with, feel less lonely with, and be supported by your friendships and not just solely with an exclusive relationship with someone.

I wouldn’t want to be with someone who hasn’t established herself as who she is, what she wants, where she’s going in life, and etc.. I shouldn’t be convinced that me being in her life will make all the worries go away, because they won’t. That’s what parents may do already. Parents may suffocate their children with so much love and kindness that the children may not be able to breathe and think on their own. Parents may demonstrate distrust in their children when parents always make the decisions for them, especially in the adolescent years when their children want to see who they are for themselves without defaulting to their parent’s desires. I made the mistake of trying to be a “protector” but like an insecure parent, I suffocated one of my relationships with insecurities and in the end I demonstrated how much I had less trust in my significant other in regards to her decision making.  

When she is ready, she will decide when she is fit for a relationship. Nobody should ever be pressured into a relationship. Even our own respective relationship with God is not pressured. If there is any relationship to be acknowledged and emphasized, it’s the one with Him. And before baptism, like any other relationship, the individual will decide when he or she is ready to submit him or herself to God. Let her figure out for herself who she is and both of you will better your chances of knowing if you’re right for one another.

“Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me” (Revelation 3:20 ESV). Jesus knocks on each and every one of our hearts, but none of us are obliged to open the door for Him. Just like Jesus empowers us with the freedom and power to choose, we are also to allow the ones we love to make their own decisions, even if it means they will not choose us, or choose what we would like them to choose.

Her life isn’t complete because of what decisions I make for her or help her make, but her life is more bearable when she is in control of her final decisions.

Being kind never completed your significant other’s life. When I was much younger, teenage years in high school, I thought that being nice and sweet to a girl would always be enough. The only thing that would get me engaged into a relationship with a girl would be our similar interests and that would be basically it. I was under the impression that I could treat her well and that alone would secure the relationship. However, in order to be a in a relationship, it takes more than just kindness.

God always comes first, the way He wanted us to love should come first - to love Him first and to love others the way we love ourselves. We are to put God first, we are to put others before ourselves. It was so ignorant of me to believe that being kind and nice was enough to keep up a relationship. Any girl can find a “nice” guy with manners, with kindness. Any man willing to always put his best foot forward will always do what it takes to make himself look good in front of the girl in order for him to get her to be his girlfriend. I used to think that if I could bring a kind of light and goodness into a girl’s life through a romantic relationship with them that life in general could be better. Over time I also realized that I can’t complete a girl’s life with kindness and my flawed goodness. Yes, it’s nice that you’re kind to one another and you use manners, but there will always be questions that your significant other will ask that your kindness and manners cannot satisfy alone. Our kindness, self-defined goodness, and inconsistent deeds aren’t enough to answer the bigger questions to life that your significant other needs to find out for him or herself. All the change, the very reality of having a complete life is because of God in our own personal lives thru His Word.

“Jesus answered and said unto her, Whosoever drinketh of this water shall thirst again: But whosoever drinketh of the water that I shall give him shall never thirst; but the water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of water springing up into everlasting life” (John 4:13,14 KJV). Our lives will always be about what we are lacking and what we need, but when we seek and accept Jesus Christ on a daily basis, we won’t lack, or thirst with unquenchable needs as we do without Him in our lives.

Her life isn’t complete because of how well everyone and anyone treats her, but her life is complete because she first acknowledges that identity in Jesus Christ and His love for us, His love for her.

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So in conclusion, we as humans can only provide so much for each other and as humans, we learn really fast where our limitations lie. We are limited, especially in our relationships, where we are only in charge and in control of ourselves with the sound supervision and guidance of God in our lives. As inspiration tells us,

The heart yearns for human love; but this love is not strong enough, or pure enough, or precious enough to supply the place of the love of Jesus. Only in her Savior can the wife find wisdom, strength, and grace to meet the cares, responsibilities, and sorrows of life. She should make him her strength and her guide. Let woman give herself to Christ before giving herself to any earthly friend, and enter in no relationship which shall conflict with this (Letters to Young Lover, 79.1).

We may only pray for the ones we love and be willing to be a blessing to others through our own lives, but we will never, nor should we ever pursue to complete someone’s life thru our own means. A life is only complete in Jesus, thru Jesus, so let’s continually aim to bring others to Him so that they may have experience the wholeness that they have been seeking in this life.

The definition that we’re using for this post is based off from dictionary.com:

noun; a third person joining a couple in a social context, esp. one who is in the way

As an informal reference, Urban Dictionary community defines the third-wheel as:

A person hanging out with two people (usually a couple) that are in a sense leaving him/her out. Called the third wheel because either:

Having any odd number of wheels on an object generally messes it up

Third wheel on a bike makes a tricycle, something that’s safe for kids be left alone with

In my own words, I come to understand the third wheel as the person who becomes the odd person out amongst a company of three. In my own experience I have hung out with couples (who are also my individual friends), so I would in those situations be called the third-wheel. Whether or not I was bothersome to them in their own little date amongst themselves is still unknown to me. Regardless of the fact that I was practically the spare to a couple’s date, I would try to be the best third wheel that I could be by taking pictures of them, leaving them alone for some periods of time (if we were together), help plan surprises for one another and especially not feel bad about not getting a reply to my initial text to hang out with one or both of them. Being a third wheel matters, it’s not essential to be one, but there is the etiquette that comes with being a good one.

One of the most important things to keep in mind about being a third wheel is knowing your place. As the third wheel, you are neither above the value of the couple or below them. You, just like them, have your own respective integrity and value. Don't take things too personally if the couple wants to have their time and even ditch you for a while. Don’t feel bad about being single or tagging along, if anything you should be honored because that couple probably finds you as good support to their relationship. You may (and hopefully you don’t) feel bad about being single, but a good support system is definitely one hard to come by and if you’re the third wheel to a relationship, you’re most likely trusted much and are valued much by the couple.

For me, being a third wheel doesn’t stop at just joining the company of my close friends who are coupled with one another or with their own respective boyfriends or girlfriends, but it also continues in my aspirations of having a relationship of my own (should God find it in His will to lead me to someone).

It’s come to my attention that without a doubt, having God in our respective lives is important. What’s also most important is the development of a genuine relationship with God; when God doesn’t simply look like the Almighty God from above with unknown intentions, unknown character, and is forever distant from our lives; but when God is love, when you have experienced in your own life of how good He truly is, and that despite the long distance relationship within the limits heaven and earth, nothing can separate you from His love, “which is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (see Romans 8:38-39). This is definitely something I believe anyone would be blessed to become acquainted with in their lifetime.

One day while in one of my nursing classes, my teacher shared with the class that there was some kind of survey done amongst the small groups of our school. I believe one of the big questions asked went something like, “What is hindering your relationship with God?” and somehow the answer was the significant other - the boyfriend/girlfriend. My teacher went on to explain that individuals who had a significant other felt that the quality of their worship experience was different when their significant other was around. It was as if the quality of their worship experience lessened, but the the quality of their conscientiousness towards their significant other heightened. Somehow the shift of focus would not be towards God, but probably shifted back and forth between God and the significant other. Worship became less about God and more about who was with you when you went to worship God.

Although my ability to recollect memories clearly fails me, the idea that I got from that class still existed in my memory until now. I have seen that most individuals in a small group are single; they engage in Bible study and worship services that get their relationship with God to grow. However, the moment that these individuals get engaged in their own romantic relationship with someone else, the time that was once used for God in the small group, became allocated for date time or some other occasion unrelated to worshiping God. It was almost as if they “graduated,” if you will, from the love of God to the love of another human. I use the word graduated to try to depict the idea of finishing a particular journey or quest and moving on in life, moving on to the next level.

I do believe that kind of behavior also happens in the church and not just in a small group. Going to church never made anyone spiritually buff just by attendance, but with the right kind of presence, mind with body, conscious presence in the service, one could always be impressed by the way the spirit and presence of God moves him or her. However, the moment that someone takes them away from the church, takes them away from that rich experience with God, they don’t retain the same quality of life, but go back to the way that life used to be without Him.

God’s Word tells us in 2 Corinthians 6:14, “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?” To be honest, if I were in a relationship already I’d be stunned by the initial impact of this verse on its relevance in my life. I’d be upset to think that people were criticizing me and my relationship…until the day that my relationship fails and its vulnerabilities are nothing but loud, clear and unresolved. I would only wake up to the truth of this verse after I have seen how far I’ve fallen from the values that God spoke of for me not only to retain, but maintain and live with daily. It’s not uncommon that individuals leave the church because the people they surround themselves with are not engaged in the worship experience themselves.

As professed believers we have something good with God, especially when we have a relationship with Him. However, in the moment that our other ties with that special someone take us away from God, our way of life and love become skewed even in the slightest bit; we are prone to being lost in our lives without the daily guidance of God.

By my personal experience and in my love for God, I believe that I can no longer try to pursue anyone who isn’t deep in their faith, nor would I want to engage in a romantic relationship with someone who would weaken my own faith. To be right in love is not to be merely be right with one another, but to firstly be right with God. Jesus had summed up the commandments in 2 sentences, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments” (see Matthew 22:36-40).

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Ok let’s go back to the third wheel. As a good third wheel in a spiritual perspective, I personally don’t want to drag anyone out of their relationship with God; I would rather support their relationship with God. I don’t want to be the number one person in my future wife’s life. I don’t want her to make an image of greatness out of me. I guarantee her that I will fail her many times, I will let her down many times, I will fall, and without a doubt I could break her heart. If my significant other puts me on a pedestal and I fall; it’s going to be hard to redeem myself from such a fall after I’ve been made into this image of greatness. When she looks at me failing over and over in my own efforts, she’ll very much be discouraged in her relationship with me seeing this “man of greatness” be reduced to “man I have regrets with.” She’ll forever be disappointed in me in a relationship if I’m her number one and that image of me is forever broken. I believe that my relationship with my potential future wife would be much better if she was closer to God than if it were closer to me. I don’t want to be number one in her life, I can’t handle being number one in her life, being the main focus of her life.

I can’t guarantee that I’ll be perfect, but I want to be persistent in the things that are right, in the ways of the one who is right and that’s God. For me I would prefer that she’s right with God, that she has her relationship with God, that He is number one in her life. If anything I want to support that relationship, encourage that bond, and if could even help build that relationship. In regards to courtship or pursuing a future partner in life, I don’t believe that the suitor or significant other should ever replace God’s place or the family’s place in the life of someone you love. Love is not about replacing, but joining. I want to be the third wheel that supports the relationship between my future wife and God as I’d hope that she’d also be a good third wheel for my own relationship with God. The character of God has no corruptness or evil; He doesn’t make mistakes, He never lies, He never leaves us, He never fails and He will never give you short of the best. Ultimately, the number one person in your life should be the person that holds you down in life. I’m only human, I’m not always able to hold things down, keep things steady and make things go right; only God is capable of that. I can be that third wheel that can promote more time with her and God and encourage her with His promises when she’s in doubt. As the third wheel I desire to help her share God’s love with others just as He wanted us to. Relationships are a ministry, whether it’s between you and God, you and another person, or even in friendships. The key to ministry of relationships is not trying to retain the utmost focus upon one another, but on God, for our focus on Him and His love demands much support that the best third wheel would be perfect for. Will you give that support for your significant other (or future significant other) in his or her relationship with God? Will you ultimately be the best third wheel for your significant other’s relationship with God?

It was my third year of college. After surviving most of all the requirements, demands and fitting in some personal time with social activities, it was only until the end of it around March 2014 that I was definitely set up for some trials that consecutively attacked me.

Nursing. Due to some unfortunate and some unfair loading of requirements in comparison to the other section, I did much cramming. In a span of a few days I was expected the following: (1) Psychiatric nursing duty requirements: all had to be handwritten on long yellow pad consisting of drug study, nurse-patient interaction with rationale, and a report on the various group therapies for the patient with rationale. (2) Case study which had not been started due to other requirements and duty hours occupying time. I was the leader of my group and we had not started until the weekend of, especially while trying to fulfill requirements of the report itself and whatever else was lacking from my other group-mate’s contribution. I took the initiative of things and tried to help out my group-mates with the content. (3) I had a two-part comprehensive exam for the medical-surgical nursing course of the second semester. (4) I had a comprehensive exam on the topic of the operating room. Academic stress just toppled over me.

Love life. In my attempt to be in a relationship, I was subjecting myself to the idea that, “If I could just send one more letter, or one more gift, tell her how I really feel and how important she is, I could win her heart.” While she was trying to defend herself with self-defense mechanisms and from what I perceived as not trying to be hurt again, I too was trying to shield her from any threats that came her way. I had tried to follow this passion for being the most perfect boyfriend, that not only did I try to figuratively sterilize her environment from any potential harm and troubles, but I tried to keep a loving and caring contact at long distance. I broke myself down in parts day by day so that whenever I got close to her that not even a single germ of trouble from me would cause her to be cautious. I had thought that I loved her so much but simultaneously I had so much fear of breaking her. I had tried my best to shield her that when I looked back, I had no shield for myself. When she was kept more at distance from me, it was like she ran away with my shield. I felt so empty and without any value.

My Retreat. I usually play sports to get rid of my stress, so after my last exam on Wednesday, March 19, I thought I would go play badminton in the university gymnasium. I checked out the gym and saw that the nets were set up. Immediately I bolted back to my humble abode and started changing my clothes. The most important thing to note is that there was a towel place on top of the clothes that I had just changed into. That towel was left out on my clothes lines for uncountable weeks and I had only washed it and had it dried the day before. As soon as I put on my clothes, I started to itch on my chest. A few minutes passed and that innocent itch spread from my chest to my arms, to my face, my neck, to my groin, and to my legs. I rubbed alcohol on myself, but the itch was unrelieved. I thought this was a case of bed bugs like I had last year but in my clothes, so I took a shower and scrubbed myself as much as I could, but no relief. I found some anti-itch cream in my medical kit, and I finally got some relief, but I still had a very strong urge to itch. I took pictures of the rashes on my chest and arms thinking that I would send it to my mom and seek her medical advice as a nurse; however, half way across the world she was sleeping. After a few minutes I decided to go to the college of nursing to seek medical advice there. As soon as I walked into the building, I see my clinical instructor, Sir Ardie. I showed him my rash on my abdomen and he asked me, “Are you having trouble breathing?” I got scared. He told me to go to the clinic immediately and get an anti-histamine shot, so I grabbed the closest friend I could (in case I couldn’t drive myself to the clinic anymore) and left. I was the one driving; I was still all right while on the way to the clinic, no difficulty of breathing. It was not until I reached the front door of the clinic, with one step, in one instant I had trouble breathing. I started breathing heavily as I tried to talk to the nurse and show her my rash, “I…have…a rash.” We went to the ER where I began gasping for air and I even threw up. According to the student nurse who had taken my respiratory rate I was breathing 38 breaths per minute (the normal is 12-20 breaths for adults). Fortunately the nurse was able to give me the anti-histamine shot in time and I just went to sleep.

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A few hours later, I woke up from the clinic bed, physically well and mentally coherent. I left the clinic within a few minutes upon waking up and I was still able to catch some hot wings later at the local restaurant “Chubby’s” with some friends. The day continued on as if I never went to the clinic, as if allergic reactions and closing airways were just normal in everyday life.

The day after the incident at the clinic my classmates and clinical instructors were asking me if I was OK. All I could say was yes. I never thought of the allergic reaction to have been severe even after what I had been through, so I thought I was fine. If I had been one of them asking myself the very same question, I would ask with concern in regards to my health to see that there were no complications or other injuries; in that sense, I was OK, but I was a walking broken mirror, with shards of myself just falling apart. I just didn’t know because I haven’t yet taken a look in a real mirror to reflect what was going on in my head and to think about what just happened.

On a long-term basis, the love life basically had a noose around my neck and made me question, “What is the matter with me?” On a shorter length but intense amount of time, nursing just busted my brain cells and beaten me up, left empty even after surviving and completing all my requirements. Why bother celebrating a victory of a battle that could have completely been avoided? The timing and scheduling was definitely poor. The other section was very fortunate and had enough time for everything and did not even have to worry about heavy duty requirements anymore unlike my section. My near-death experience was just the icing on the cake, the scoop of ube on the halo-halo dessert, the cherry on top of the ice cream sundae. In what seemed like the shortest amount of time, I almost died between the first gasp to the shutting of my eyes. “But you lived and you should be thankful for that!” Why should I be thankful for a life that experienced what seemed like academic abuse, abuse in the matters of love and relationships, and in health? My mind was just tortured. The sense of thankfulness was the last thing that I was looking for. There was nothing in my life to be thankful for because at that time, as I stood back and looked at my life, it meant nothing. Answers were the first thing I was looking for. Why? WHY? WHY! Why bother? What’s the sense? What do I matter? Why aren’t I killed off yet? Why didn’t I just die alone in my hut? Why did I even bother to struggle to live? Just to go back and play badminton?

The school year was done for the second semester and I walked away from that with whatever left of me I could salvage. The only thing left for me was to contemplate the reason why I lived. I spent what seemed like over 10 minutes wasting my time to get rid of what seemed as an innocent bed bug itch, but what was really a lockdown procedure of my immune system. Could you imagine what would have happened if I never went to the college of nursing? I would be dead in my kubo and no one would know unless I made enough noise for help or someone went and visited me. Could you imagine if I did not even have a motorbike and merely walked around campus and to the college of nursing? I would probably just collapse, gasping for air in front of students, only to make it to the ER dead on arrival. My airways could have collapsed at any moment, but they only started narrowing when I FIRST stepped foot in the AUP clinic. Please explain to me how that timing was so perfect without using words like chance, luck, or coincidence.

I was so broken down psychologically and mentally that physically, I too, was draining myself. I played sports ridiculously aggressive and very frequently that I practically worked myself to be noticeably skinnier. I couldn’t find the answers I was looking for, the value in my life, the purpose in my life, and the strength in my life. I was like a walking zombie; I was willing to consume or engage in anything that seemed to bear life and help me survive. I was lugging around a weak, worn down, but persistently functioning body, aimlessly wandering. Most of my time was spent desperately playing sports for deliverance from stress and dominating others with fury and aggression, but I was a broken man inside crying for super powers.

One call back home was all it took for my mom to hear how broken I was with just academic and post-traumatic stress from my allergic reaction. She traveled all the way from New Jersey in the United States to the Philippines only within a few days just to see that I was well. She took care of my food supply and had my chores done as I moped around my place and the campus uselessly. Then one day, of just being dipped down into the deepest depression I have ever felt, I took my mom to Rhoda’s Park, sat down and told her my stresses.

I had nowhere else to run to. The sports gave me some kind of euphoria, but the FEELING is like every other drug, it eventually runs out. I was too involved and weak to stand up by myself that I believed I gave the girl of interest my soul and I became so dependent on whatever feedback she would give me, but even that well ran dry. No matter what friends surrounded me, despite their ears being close to my words, their presence may have well been thousands of miles away. There was nothing that they had done or said that was able to pull me out of my depression. Some of my other clothes had “the itch.” Whenever I had the slightest itch, I became so terrified of being too far away from the clinic because I feared that my airways would close up within seconds. I was afraid in life, I had no attachments, no foundation, no hope, no permanence, no purpose, and most of every waking moment, I wished I died by some “accident.” I wished that while hanging on the back of a jeepney another car would just hit me. While riding my motorbike, I wished my bike malfunctioned, so I would crash or fall off my bike and have a major head injury. In moments of reflection or zoning out, I had felt the air become heavy and I would perspire with anxiety. There was never peace in my mind.

After I expressed myself and just let everything out, swearing, whatever emotions I could just put out in front of my mom, the only three words that it took to snap me out of my “trance” and out of my pity was, “God is good.” She said many other things, but that was the only thing I remember she said, and for the most part, the only thing that mattered.

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Of course things just did not instantaneously get better overnight or within the hour, but there was a new drive in me. When I heard those words, the zombie in me wanted to feed on the idea of what it was like to comprehend that thought, “God is good.” Those words alone were so simple but there was so much life in it that by contemplating the thought, by taking that idea for my own life, it was like my own weak flesh started to change. The weakness in my body had become properly functioning bones and muscles. The ground I was staying on was concrete and nothing was going to break beneath me. The love that I desired to be comforted and practically blessed by was felt. It was almost as if my life was renewed. Scum and bones became living flesh and strength. All of this was just a bud within me, but the more I reflected on those words the more that bud grew. My body became strong as my spirit overflowed with the blessing of those three simple words.

“God is good.” What I heard was that the goodness of God is constant. God is the same yesterday, tomorrow, and today. The things that happen in my everyday life are unpredictable, but despite that, God was dependable. With God as the solid rock in my life, the strong foundational ground, I could stand up to anything, and stand with purpose. I don’t know what will become of me tomorrow, but today “God is good,” and the best thing about it is, He is still good tomorrow. “Every good gift and every perfect give is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning” (James 1:17 KJV). There was nothing else in my life that I could attempt to hold onto that would not slip out of my hands. I would consume whatever essence of life, and be pleading helplessly for a sign of life, an evidence of living. When I heard that “God is good,” I found myself an unwavering path to an everlasting life.

Nursing. Nothing uplifted me as my academic requirements burned me. No break from school took of the stress from my mind. However, because God is good, I now had the hope and acknowledgement of the strength that only He has and only He can give me to survive the storms of academics. I forgave and overlooked the fault and overloading of requirements, but ultimately I abandoned my stresses to pursue God’s goodness, a goodness that can start today. God’s goodness kept my feet on the ground and no troubles were worth keeping me down. My ability to be steadfast was born.

Love life. My love life stole my self-esteem. After time, I realized my own flaws and how I needed to take steps back, to respect not only her space, but my own. I invested too much of myself to the unknown rather than asking God’s blessing with each step. Towards the end of my pursuit, I stopped praying for us to be together, but I started praying for the best outcome. What looked like my innocent victimizer in the past, was a victim of someone else’s failures and flaws. We both just weren’t meant to be; I needed to accept and make peace with that, for neither her or I could fill each other’s voids in our respective lives, but only God. I needed to know my place; I caused more damage than good. I had no more desire to choose my partner, but to let God lead both of us in His will, even if it was to be separate from each other. My trust in the Lord became genuine when I distrusted my ability to find a partner for myself, one of the most difficult things for me to accept.

My Retreat. All the wins, smashes, spikes and dominance that I could have in sports was my atmosphere of deliverance, but it immediately turned to nothingness. My near-death experience dug me further into a deep depression when not even sports could rescue me. Over time I learned to free myself from all the cares of the world, to focus on myself and to concentrate and contemplate what was most real and important - my purpose and value. I wasn’t a child anymore, I was grown up and I had the capacity to put away childish matters behind me. No more distractions and small treasures. God is good, and it was time for me to stop making my own counterfeit version of His goodness for myself and others around me. My retreat is God, for He is my hiding place, my only hope for deliverance from my mistakes through Jesus.

My parents were not going to be there for me forever so I dealt with what I had and I realized I was lonelier than ever. The good news is, God is good…all the time, and all the time…God is good. If I wasn’t doing anything good with my life, if I wasn’t trying to stand back up in life in goodness, in God’s goodness, I was left on the ground to die with all the filth of the world; the manmade values and treasures that were time triggered quicksand beneath my feet. I could never help myself up, but God did, and He’s doing the very same for you.

I have taken too much time in my life to do things by myself, doing everything by my own means, and failing. Jesus says, “I am the way the truth and THE LIFE.” Everything I have been doing up till now has been an effort to keep myself afloat in this world, but He is the source and the means to stay alive, the hope for real life, to not only breathe and stay conscious, but to live a life filled with meaning and absence of a purposeless lifestyle. He also says, “Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, except it abide in the vine; no more can ye, except ye abide in me. I am the vine, ye are the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me ye can do nothing” (John 15:4, 5 KJV). I could never do anything to better myself, my relationships, and other people’s lives. I could not add to my self-esteem, give purpose to my life without Him. Who Jesus is and what He did for others as well as Himself, is my example for relationships. His love for me is the source of how I could love others; I could not be a giver of love if I had never received it. He is my Savior, and I could only give evidence of His goodness, by serving Him, remembering what He did for me, what Jesus did for me so that I may live.

“The plants and flowers grow not by their own care or anxiety or effort, but by receiving that which God has furnished to minister to their life. The child cannot, by any anxiety or power of its own, add to its stature. No more can you, by anxiety or effort or yourself, secure spiritual growth. The plant, the child, grows by receiving from its surroundings that which ministers to its life – air, sunshine, and food. What these gifts of nature are to animal and plant, such is Christ to those who trust in Him. He is their ‘everlasting light,’ ‘a sun and shield.’ Isaiah 60:19; Psalm 84:11. He shall be as ‘the dew unto Israel.’ ‘He shall come down like rain upon the mown grass.’ Hosea 14:5; Psalm 72:6. He is the living water, ‘the Bread of God … which cometh down from heaven, and giveth life unto the world.’ John 6:33” (Steps to Christ page 67).

I came to the time in my life when I realized that I could no longer do anything for myself. I could not become better by my own will, but I needed God. I invested my efforts, my worth, my time, and my drive to the very things that could destroy me, but because God is good, as I invested myself in Him, I never got less than what I already had. Life was more of a risk the more I believed less in God. Faithfulness had more meaning when I gave everything I had to God and trusted and believed in His goodness. I’m not going to pretend to play God’s part and be in control. I was supposed to die; I wasn’t competent enough or had any power to stop that allergic reaction on my own. It was almost as if God had His hand in holding my airways open until I got to where I needed to be and because of that I am where I am today. I am alive and am praising His name!

We don’t have to have a near-death experience to realize that God can have His hand in our lives. Our problems in any form or struggles are surely big, no doubt about that, but surely and always, God is much bigger than our problems; the loving and merciful God who loves us and wishes us to come to Him. When we have nowhere else to go, nothing else to do for ourselves, God is more than willing to multiply our blessings, give us a place of refuge and give us a real sign of life through His presence and goodness. My hope and prayer is that we may keep our respective lives, our respective worlds from seeming like a lifeless zombie apocalypse. Like a zombie chases and hungers after the people, the things that have life, may we no longer feel like zombies, living lifelessly and desperately stealing the life out of others, but clinging to the life that Jesus has for us. There is life in this world and it’s through God – His goodness and blessings – the things that never run out and we can always have more of. May our daily lives experience the source, the relationship and the lifestyle of a true living, life with Jesus Christ. God bless!

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This article is for guiding those who are graduating or have graduated from my alma mater from the Adventist University of the Philippines and are applying for the NCLEX, especially within the year. When I was applying for the NCLEX, no one really let me know the steps that I had to take so may this help those who are concerned. I’m writing this on behalf of those studying in New Jersey, but if anything other states or U.S. territories may have very similar requirements.

For other states, please refer to this website to see what requirements you may need for after your graduate:  http://icd01.cgfns.org/sections/tools/apps/sbonrequirements.shtml

 BEFORE GRADUATION:

1.       Finish your requirements, especially your scrubs on time – at the end of your college career your scrubs forms are going to be attached to a sheet of paper that includes all your hours of duty and lecture from CON. The earlier your finish, less worry for later.

2.       Finish your clearances and hold on to your last CON clearance(CON SENIOR’S CLEARANCE II) – CON does a good job giving you your list of things to do. CON makes sure you have all the documents you need for whatever direction you will take – take NLE and or NCLEX. You’ll finish your stuff required for level IV, and then you’ll receive your clearance for forwarding your documents for your licensure exam and respective board of nursing.

AFTER GRADUATION:

1.       Return your toga, process your diploma ASAP – Finish everything you can while you’re still there, especially for those leaving soon. You got to pay for your diploma, I forget how much but I got three – I wanted to have extra. The diploma comes in Tagalog, with English translation on the bottom) and it also comes in just English. You should be fine with the original diploma, Tagalog diploma with English translation. One diploma and TOR should suffice, just make sure you know how many copies you want and don’t try adding in the middle of your processing.

2.       Follow and finish your clearance – Complete your OB scrubs, DR competencies, OR scrubs, OR competencies, get your signatures from Level IV Chairperson, Dean of CON, CON Secretary. “This is to certify that I have received the following documents issued by the CON – Summary of RLE, DR competencies, OR competencies, DR scrubs, OR scrubs.” You’ll then sign your name at the bottom.

3.       Keep up with the RO secretary for CON – Apparently the priority of your transcripts depends on your plane ticket. I graduated March 29, 2015 and my plane ticket for NJ was Thursday, May 21, 2015. I had received my diploma and transcripts the week I left. Check in frequently for the status of your diploma and documents. Note: It would have gotten done sooner, but I winded up adding two more diplomas in the middle of the processing of my documents; those things take time because they require the signatures of specific officials like the president of the university.

4.       Contact your respective BON and sign up with CGFNS – CGFNS is there to evaluate your credentials, but there are different packages for evaluation. Contact your BON to know what specific package you will choose. For NJ BON I had to use CES. Then go to their website and sign up as an applicant. Complete everything and print out the forms that are supposed to go to CON. You don’t have to completely pay for the package yet, I waited till I got home. You don’t have to pay to print forms.

5.       Once you collect your documents from the RO, you finish at CON – Present your CGFNS forms, along with your TOR and diploma to the CON secretary. She will ask you to make photocopies of your diploma if I’m not mistaken. Then she’ll ask you for a fee for mailing through LBC. She also asks for your e-mail address so she can send you the tracking number. It gets to CGFNS fast; it’s just the processing on their end that takes a while. Once you send things thru the CON secretary you’re good to leave.

ONCE YOU GET HOME:

1.       Print out/Fill out the appropriate application for your BON – I included the one for NJ below. Fill out the paper work, get your notary (I finished this at the bank), and mail it all in.

2.       Pay for CGFNS – You will wait for weeks before they have “received” your documents like my TOR from AUP. Send in anything else they may ask for. I sent a copy of my high school diploma.

3.       Take the TOEFL or try to get exempt – I contacted a representative from the NJ BON, I saw her contact on the application for examination. We conversed thru e-mail. I ultimately mailed a letter requesting my exemption for TOEFL (I included reasons and examples of my competency in English – it’s my first language and it’s the language spoken in our home; I also included the high levels of English classes I completed in high school), an official copy of my high school transcript, and a copy of my US passport. You have to check in frequently to see if the documents were received, if they are going to exempt you, and if they have contacted CGFNS about it. Your CES report at CGFNS will not be finished if it does not say that you were exempted or that you have passed the TOEFL.

4.       Check in frequently – look at the status of your CES report online and if you think things are taking a while, do feel free to call in to CGFNS and or BON. Your CGFNS needs to be finished first because their report goes to BON when it’s done.

5.       Pay for your test – even before you become approved from your BON, you are required to pay for your NCLEX first. You can do this while waiting for your processing to finish between CGFNS and BON. Ideally when everything is complete, you’ll just receive an e-mail from Pearson Vue that you are approved to take your NCLEX and you’ll have the date range of when you are expected to take your examination.

6.       Once approved, schedule your examination – there is not that much rush to take your NCLEX, but because your time may be limited. For NJ it’s 3 months and I believe for California it’s up to 1 year that you can wait to schedule your exam. The testing centers are limited to the number of people that will take the exam.I don’t know if the people you take it with are just taking the NCLEX or if they are taking other examinations. It’s free to reschedule, but you’re going to have a bad time if you try to schedule last minute and there are no available testing centers for you. Schedule first when you are approved, reschedule if you change your mind or as a last option.

MY TIMELINE OF PROGRESS:

WEEK 1: Week of May 24: AUP TOR received at CGFNS

WEEK 2: Week of May 31: Corrected my CGNFS application (error with educational attainment)

WEEK 4: Week of June 14: Received criminal background check form from BON; Submitted copy of US Passport to NJ BON

WEEK 13: Week of August 16: My CGFNS CES report was complete and issued to NJ BON

WEEK 17: Week of September 13: Approved to take the NCLEX

 NOTES:

- TOEFL was part of my requirements, but I spent most of my weeks trying to be exempt from it – SUCCEEDED. I had to stay in contact with a representative from the NJ BON thru email.

- I was actually approved before I received the notice. Be sure to check back and forth thru telephone with CGFNS and BON to check the status of your applications and approval to test.

- Finish everything you need to do at AUP and despite lines or conditions, you should try to process your TOR and diploma as soon as you can.

 Links:

www.cgfns.org

http://www.njconsumeraffairs.gov/nur/applications/rn-and-lpn-application-packet-graduates-of-foreign-nursing-programs.pdf

http://www.pearsonvue.com/nclex/

http://icd01.cgfns.org/sections/tools/apps/sbonrequirements.shtml

On a recent Friday, September 25, my mom and I went to Philadelphia for a mission trip led by Pastor Stephen Bohr with his ministry, Secrets Unsealed. He was calling out to any volunteers who would try to reach out to people who were in Philadelphia for the weekend, most especially for the arrival of Pope Francis, who attracted many people to go there. We had only heard of this mission through a fellow brother from church who had been announcing the opportunity weekly beforehand. I thought the idea was interesting, but I had no intention of actually participating until my mom quickly responded to the call and of course I did not want my mom to go alone, so I accompanied her.

Our mission was to take place for the weekend, Friday to Sunday, but due to scheduling and my mom’s health concerns, we were only able to participate Friday. We had permits from the city to distribute only two materials, the book, Great Controversy, and the following DVD entitled, “A Day to Remember, The United States & Prophecy.”

The night before the mission trip I was only thinking about what the experience would be like. I did not mind going at all, but at the same time I never did anything like this so I did not know how to react or how to respond to the idea of what was going to take place. Sometimes what I usually do in anticipation for missions like this is imagine what kind of things I’d say or witness while handing out materials. I imagined people questioning my faith and my activity worse than some of the Q&A portions of case presentations from nursing school. I just imagined traumatizing things like people completely denying me and saying harsh things to my face. To an extent I was greatly overwhelmed; as much I try to be well oriented with people, I still fear the inability to say the “wrong” thing if anything at all. By the end of the night it was morning; I did not even sleep.

That Friday morning, we drove to the train station to go to Philadelphia where we met with the other volunteers at the designated meeting place. The volunteers we met were very kind. As my mom and I got more acquainted with the others I was at awe to see how each person and company answered the call for this mission. My mom and I are from New Jersey, not too far away from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania as opposed to Pastor Bohr and his team from Fresno, California and the others coming from places like Colorado, Virginia, Texas and other states.

When Pastor Bohr and his team arrived from to the meeting spot, we all went to their shuttle van and we unloaded all the boxes of material that they had for the day. I couldn’t remember how many materials they had, all I know is that they had a warehouse to store the content and that the materials themselves were in quantities of thousands. Could you imagine that all the thousands of material were free to anyone who was willing to receive it from us?

There was about 250 DVD’s in one box. There was about 8 boxes across and 8 boxes tall, but they still had more at their warehouse for Saturday and Sunday.

We got organized and came to order. We opened our meeting with prayer and Pastor Bohr was orienting us on our mission and how to proceed. We were to only hand out the DVD’s and books provided, but for the day we were to give out only the DVD since the books and DVD together would be for tomorrow as well as the rest of what was to be left for Sunday. We were instructed to not engage in long conversations, Bible studies or any debates; we were only handing out materials. Our mission was not focused on saying anything against the Pope, but rather to stick to the focus of only giving out the material and let the material do the work of giving the message. I was already apprehensive as I did not want any long conversations or heated debates; I’m still very much just a baby in like to my spiritual growth and am not confident in any Bible study. The next thing oriented was the appearance of the DVD and what to say about it. Three words: Free, everyone loves free stuff; Pope Francis, most people are here to see him and are most likely open to receive the material; DVD, to basically mention and point out that it’s a video to be watched.

Pastor is giving us the orientation.

After the orientation we set up in teams. Following that, we were then being dropped off in different locations with the shuttle van. There were about 7-9 of us in our group, but we eventually split up. One of us was left at the drop-off point to watch over, distribute the boxes of DVD’s, and resupply everyone else who ran out of the ones they had on hand; the rest of us stayed in pairs or groups of three. Most of the time, it was my mom, Alex, our new acquaintance from Texas, and I.

Property Issues. At first when we started out we were at the site of the Liberty Bell but we were advised and warned that it was private property and to move the handing of our materials elsewhere, could be nearby, but not on the private property. So in the end, we located ourselves at a corner nearby Independence Hall and the Liberty Bell.

This is the corner that I was standing at for most of our day.

At First. I was still pretty nervous after we were dropped off, thinking that someone would play 20 questions with me about the DVD. However, it looked much easier and uplifting to see that people were accepting the DVD happily and openly as my team started handing out the DVD’s. I kept my optimism up, used my friendliness, a positive, open body language and started successfully handing out DVD’s before getting settled into that nearby corner.

“Free DVD! Free Pope Francis DVD! Free Pope Francis DVD?” Some people accepted right away and others stayed by to question before receiving. Here are some of my experiences:

1.       A family was passing by and the father asked me if the DVD was pro- or anti- pope. I was stuck. I did not know what to say. His tone, physique and confidence blew me back into my anxiety and fear. I did not want to answer his question in the form of yes or no, pro- or anti- because I thought, “It was not for the pope, it’s a message for you from the Bible,” and it was not against the pope because it’s not a hate message that media and its followers trend in believing in situations like this. In the end of what seemed like forever of seconds, I told him that I couldn’t tell him and he said he didn’t want it and walked away. At this point I was just discouraged. Keep in mind that I have never watched this DVD, all I was to do was to trust in the Lord and trust in this DVD that the message is one that God wants people to hear, a truth. I was advocating for something that I myself have not watched. My only resource and confidence about the DVD was that:  1) it references the Bible; 2) it talks about the prophecy from the Bible; 3) the day to remember was the Sabbath; 4) there is some association to the pope in the message. I felt so ashamed of myself and I really despised the opportunity I blew in handing the DVD out. This only happened within the hour of arriving at the corner; the day was still long from over.

 2.       One of the skills that I acquired in the Philippines (I had just come back from nursing school there) was learning how to speak a bit of the national language, Tagalog. My advantage in this place was that I could use English too if ever my Tagalog vocabulary was deficient, so I had Tag-lish. I changed my corner to the one across from me. A group of older ladies came by, Asian, and with ambition, I hoped for them to be Filipino. Sure enough, they were. There are dialects within the Philippines too, but since Tagalog was spoken, I had a chance!

 Me: Hello po! Greeting with sign of respect.

*At this point they all faced forward waiting to be able to cross the street*

Me: Gusto nyo po ng free DVD? Would you guys like a free DVD?

Lady: Kuya! Ilibre nyo kami! Young guy! Why don’t you make it free for us!

Me: Opo! Libre nga! Yes with respect! It’s free (with emphasis)!

*Immediately they all turned their heads to me and put out their hands and asked to receive the DVDs as well as extras.*

*In the middle of handing everyone in the group a 1-3 DVD’s each, the same lady spoke to me*

Lady: Why is it free? Why are you just giving them away?

Me: Why is it not free? Some of the best things in life are free, diba? Diba? = Is it not?

Lady: Yeah, but why is it free?

Me: Well…goodness - that is done for free, diba? You can’t quite pay for goodness and this is one of those things that are priceless! So, we’re giving this out for free.

Lady: You’re right. Thank you so much!

I was happy for two reasons: 1) I was able to connect with my national language and 2) I felt like I was back at the Philippines and being around locals. Then, of course, I was happy to be able to give out the free material and let them have an opportunity to hear God’s message. Whether or not they ultimately decide for themselves as individuals or as a group how they accept or reject the message on the DVD is up to them. The way they asked for the DVD’s, how I hope and pray they sought out the Lord just as much if not more.

3.       One Black lady came up to me and asked what it was about. I tried not to freak out like the first time and this time it was less stressful because the way she spoke to me was out of curiosity, not with so much force like the father had. I told her it mentioned a bit of the pope, references the Bible and truth in prophecy; she received it saying that she was Bible scholar. It was already a nice feeling to be working for God, to be used by God to give out these DVD’s, to pass along the message that people have neglected, but it was different when I handed her a DVD. I felt more concerned for those who accepted the DVD thinking it was all about praise for Pope Francis because I feared they would have an inclination to reject the DVD without even getting through 5 minutes of its content. I became more hopeful for the individuals like this lady who passed on her confidence in indulging in the truth in the DVD.

 By the Afternoon. I have still been up since what seems like ever on Thursday, and after those first few encounters, some people accepted the free DVD and others didn’t. By the time we ate lunch it was past 12:30, but soon after around 1:45, we were back at our street corners. I knew very well not to count the time, but to make the time count; it just got more difficult to stand for long periods of time.

I continually stood there, walked in circles just to get some circulation going, but as much as possible I tried not to sit. When I actually did sit, it was probably even less than 3 minutes. A few more people continued to ask what the DVD was about and I usually mentioned the same things – talks a bit about the pope, talks about the Bible, and some prophecy of what came from it. I’m thankful no one really wanted an in-depth summary of what the contents had. If anything, I also added that I did not want to take away the message from the person, giving it injustice through my opinion.

4.       There was a vendor at the same corner I was at; he was selling postcards. While he was trying to market and sell, I was just offering and giving. As some people who received the DVD’s walked away, the vendor asks, “They don’t know what they’re taking do they?” I told him that they most likely didn’t.

I didn’t look at myself higher than anyone else walking around the streets of Philadelphia. All I kept in my mind was that handing out these DVD’s and putting them in as many hands as I can was my main objective. It was my job that they had an opportunity to hear something from the Bible, from God. I may not been the prophet, but I definitely have no issue being the messenger boy and absolutely have no issue being used by God. Although I handed out probably over 300 DVD’s at this point, I was continually hoping and praying that even if a handful would really take the time to watch it all the way through, that would be awesome. I realized that I too was guilty of receiving religious material and throwing it out, but may this case be different since people are the ones receiving it openly and not being pressured.

It got a little more difficult for the dead time of not handing out the DVD’s. Whenever I finished up the hundred or so that I had with me and my backpack, my mom came back to the corner with more DVD’s; I was so overwhelmed. For me one of the challenges that I faced was keeping my spirits up as well as my body. The spirit was willing but the flesh was weak! I thought I would try to sit for like 10 minutes, but even I was hearing in my mind, “God will sustain you! This is your opportunity to EXERCISE YOUR FAITH! If you have God, what is your dilemma? This is the only time you can do this; make it count because this is not for you but His work can include you!” As I heard those thoughts and reminders about how great God was I responded by not only standing, but whistling. I whistled hymns like Great is thy Faithfulness, Marching to Zion, There is a Quiet Place, This is my Father’s World, It is Well with my Soul, and Sweet by and by. Apparently I whistle very well because as I was in the middle of whistling Amazing Grace, an elder lady who was admiring the Pope Francis merchandise at the window of the store near me turned around just to say that my whistling was really good. I just took her compliment as a positive reinforcement in continuing to praise the Lord through all situations.

 5.       An elderly woman stopped by and asked me who was I with.  I told her Secrets Unsealed. She then continued to ask if I was getting paid to hand out the material and I said no and that it was completely voluntary. She started opening her pocketbook and I thought she was trying to fit the DVD inside. However,  she didn’t stop there because she pulled out $5 and tried to give it to me, but I politely declined saying that this was something I wanted to do, I didn’t need donations and that it the DVD was for her and how someone else would need that more than I would. I simply smiled and reassured her of how great her thoughtfulness was. In regards to the $5 being in need by someone else, I was right; I just didn’t know how true that would be until later.

 6. Another lady went up to me and asked me who was I with. What was my affiliation? Since I had my permit attached to the “Secrets Unsealed” apparel, I pointed and said that I was volunteering for them. She then proceeded to ask me if the DVD was pro-Catholic. What I really heard in her tone of voice was, “Are you guys followers of the pope or are you guys haters?” She had already set me up. I was only able to say what I had been saying to most of the others – it talks a bit about the pope, the Bible and prophecy out of it. I looked at her and could see that she perceived that she got me backed up into that corner, no pun intended. Then she asked me what my denomination was, so I told her Seventh-Day Adventist. She got her head shook in disgust, eyes ready for battle, and her body ready for protest. “WELL THEN, THAT’S NOT PRO-CATHOLIC! Augh!” Out of all the experiences in my life, one of the scariest things that I have ever experienced was being in the presence of an angry woman. I felt her rage just ready to take out my insides and I was fortunate that she walked away and didn’t yell at me or protest against me just as I had imagined before coming to Philadelphia. I was upset because she got me into her zone; she set me up with a loaded question. It was like she wanted to call me a liar with one answer, yes/pro-Catholic, or call me a hater with the other answer, no/anti-Catholic. I couldn’t tell her it was none of those because that was not the answer she wanted to hear. I believed the message wasn’t a matter of loving or hating Catholic beliefs, loving or hating the pope, but what I trusted and believed the message to be on the DVD was about God and Bible; she just did not want to hear about it. I was really upset, at this point I was definitely poor in spirit and I was desperately asking the Lord to sustain me somehow. I always despised the feeling of being shut out by a girl. She was even a stranger but how she interacted with me nearly broke me.

 7. Within a minute or two of just being destroyed by that lady, a guy walks up to me and asks me for money. “Hey man, you got a buck or five bucks you can spare?” I started looking at him from head to toe, took the moment to observe his body expressions. He’s in casual clothes, t-shirt, jeans, and full backpack and then I saw crumpled dollar bills in his hand. I continued to listen. “I’m just trying to get some dinner for my little girl,” he says to me, so I ask where he’s from (as if I knew where I even was in Philadelphia). “North Philadelphia.” He went on to say, “My daughter and I are about to be evicted from our place. Normally I wouldn’t be asking for money, but I’ve been sending 16-20 applications a day, but nothing. If you had five bucks or so, I’d really appreciate it. I’m just trying to get something to eat for my daughter to eat tonight.” I perceived honesty and genuineness that he was not a con. Fortunately for him, I had five dollars on me and so I opened up my wallet and gave it to him. I didn’t merely feel great about giving him money, or even giving what he asked for, but I felt blessed in the having the part to help him, especially in what I did next.  I asked him what his name was and he told me it was Dave. What I did next was something I hardly do for or with anyone, especially strangers because of how uncomfortable I feel with it. As God was taking me out of my comfort zone I asked him if I could pray for him and he said sure. So we bowed our heads, closed our eyes and prayed (I felt someone also reaching to get a DVD as well). I shook his hand and mentioned how God will provide and how I hope and pray things will turn out best for him and His daughter. He asked for the DVD in my hand and said he’d probably watch it before he gets evicted. On he went, and all I could do was thank God for His work in me. That man will most likely never know how grateful I was that he walked up to me that moment because an opportunity like that was more than what I needed to keep up my spirits, exercise my faith and trust in God. After I prayed for the man and his daughter I just felt my spirit multiply tenfold. I felt so blessed with that opportunity. Never do I expect much of anything to be granted to me in an instant, but I truly believe that God sent that man to me. God used me and I could not have been more thankful for the opportunity.

 8. A girl who was about my age, in her young 20’s walked up to me, kindly declined my offer to give her the free DVD because she had already had one. She continued to express how awesome she thought our mission/cause was and how she had already watched it. I could only think that she lives nearby and that she watched it that way. What I noticed as she was expressing how cool and great it was to hand out the DVD’s, spreading the truth and such, I saw that she had one in her hand and that it was still wrapped in the plastic. I didn’t know how quite to respond to it, but maybe she had just gone back to get another one for a friend or something like some others had done. Towards the end of the day she was the only one who I encountered, who watched it and gave a positive feedback. After everything that I experienced through the day I was very vulnerable. It was to the point that I was also having my guard up, anticipating that at any moment she was going to turn everything around and lash at me with verbal abuse. Thankfully she didn’t; she approached with a smile, expressed feelings of gratitude and kindness, then when on her way.

The last part of the day that I’d like to share is something that I witnessed. I had just finished up giving away most of the DVD’s that I had as well as my mom. Then, a lady had just walked back to my mom to ask for more DVD’s, so I gave my mom the rest of my DVD’s to give to that lady. As I was walking away, another woman approached my mom from behind telling the lady that what my mom was doing was wrong. The woman expressed how the DVD’s was Satan’s work; it was anti-Catholic, completely against the pope and to not accept it. I stood nearby in case something was to happen to my mom, thankfully nothing harsher happened. The angry woman said her piece and walked away. However, the lady that was asking for the DVD’s still willingly accepted the DVD’s.

In the Bible and by Ellen G. White, persecution is just right around the corner for Christians. All of a sudden these days it just becomes all right to live the way you want to, as long as it imposes your beliefs upon others, forcing them to forfeit their personal beliefs for the sake of your own. My mom and I were not saying anything bad, anything hateful, or pressuring anyone but all of a sudden this angry woman just felt the need to call us haters and even doing the work of Satan. I have only heard of this stuff from TV and even read about it, but never have I experienced, or even witnessed such a thing first hand. All of a sudden when you don’t follow a trend and you want to believe in what you want it’s a hate thing. My mom and I never attacked anyone, forced out beliefs upon anyone but all of a sudden we’re accused of doing something wrong by sharing God with people, God and His Word, the only reference we have for righteousness, goodness, and freedom.

If I had my own story of faith, the experiences I had this day would definitely be written in it.

“The servants of Christ are to prepare no set speech to present when brought to trial for their faith. Their preparation is to be made day by day, in treasuring up in their hearts the precious truths of God’s Word, in feeding upon the teaching of Christ, and through prayer strengthening their faith; then, when brought into trial, the Holy Spirit will bring to their remembrance the very truths that will reach the hearts of those who shall come to hear. God will flash the knowledge obtained by diligent searching of the Scriptures, into their memory at the very time when it is needed” (Maranatha page 255).

You’ll never know what you’re made of until the moment, the test that stands in front of you is actually in front of you. Most especially, you’ll never know the worth and amount of your faith until you put it into action, out on the field. “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen” (Hebrew 11:1 KJV). “Faith without works is dead” (James 2:20). “(For we walk by faith, not by sight:)” (2 Corinthians 5:7 KJV). In experiences like this, faith is not like a stockpile of money that grows largely overnight by investments managed by others, but it is very much a spiritual muscle that is maintained and grown in prayer and scripture, management of life you do yourself.  “Be careful for nothing, but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God” (Philippians 4:6,7 KJV).

In conclusion, my experience in Philadelphia was quite a blessing and I couldn’t have asked for a better opportunity. This mission trip definitely opened my eyes to see how God works through us to accomplish tasks that seem so much greater than our personal capacity. Nothing I had imagined or anticipated would have prepared or made me ready for this day, only what I remember of the Bible, only what I know about God and how He continually sustains us and how he works thought us to accomplish His work. By the end of the day, between 46 volunteers, 42,000 DVD’s were handed out.

Not all of us have to be called or even tasked to go far distances to engage in acts of faith. Acts of faith can be demonstrated in our own locale, to a place you call home. The life we have in front of us, the lives we live are the very testimony to others that show what life of faithfulness in Christ we desire, that we hope for, that we continue to live just as we would in heaven. “Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatever YOU DO, DO ALL TO THE GLORY OF GOD!” My hope and prayer is that we realize that Christ is never too far from us, and what we do with that knowledge, with our faith, will continually have its opportunity to be worked for His glory. God bless!

Junior year of high school - This was the first time I had tried to start an intimate relationship with someone. My first two years of high school I have laid low and did not try to stand out in anything besides tennis. However, this year I was planning to make my high school experience different by pursuing this girl that gave me the looks in my psychology class. We conversed with one another, exchanged texts, spent time with each other in between classes and at after school functions. This was the first time when I thought that I was actually going to have a real relationship, my first real girlfriend.

 What a relationship looked like to me. In my school, public school, relationships look a lot like two people holding hands, as well as enthusiastically and affectionately getting the kiss out of each other before the bell rings for the next class. It also involved the guy holding books for the girl, both of them holding hands and basically being spotted around the school together. They post pictures of each other, having viewable relationship statuses on social networks and acknowledgement from people that they were a couple.

 What this relationship felt like. I said sweet things and in my practice of writing poems and letters of sweetness and corniness; I implemented those in any moment that I had the opportunity. I was a junior who was speaking to and getting involved with a senior. I thought of her as pretty, kind, friendly, and admired her talent for singing. In school I followed her around, walked around with her in between classes and people who noticed started to get ideas that she and I were “seeing each other.”

 What I thought a relationship involved. What does a boyfriend do? In the name of love, all I thought of was the fact that I would just simply do sweet things for her and do my best to avoid upsetting her, as we tried to be happy as much as possible. I would support her in everything she does and she would do so likewise. In addition to that, we would talk and communicate, a lot, through phone calls, texts, and talking in person.

 What took it to the next level. I asked her to the homecoming dance while on live feed of our school’s morning announcements. I mentioned how beautiful she was and I practically tried to give us the spotlight. All the girls in the school thought that it was the sweetest thing they had ever witnessed and wished amongst themselves, “If only a guy would do something like that for me.” She was my date for the homecoming dance and by the end of the night she had been my first kiss. After the first kiss, the next few kisses just flew more frequently and they were like supplemental hormone rushes that I was still trying to get used to. However, even by this point we were still not boyfriend and girlfriend. I had thought that for kisses to mean something and to have particular value it would be exclusive between boyfriend and girlfriend and statuses higher than boyfriend and girlfriend – engaged and married statuses. Life at school still continued the same; the only thing new was that I got kisses.

 What I thought wouldn’t happen. This girl had an ex-boyfriend. Why does it matter? One day I heard from a “little birdie” that she slept with her ex-boyfriend, and not the innocent sense of the word sleep. Did that mean she cheated on me? I was not formally committed to her and she was not formally committed to me, and she slept with her ex-boyfriend while still going around spending time with me and slapping hormone stimulants on my face.

 How was I supposed to feel about the relationship or rather pseudo-relationship that was going on? Personally I thought that I would ask this girl to be my girlfriend within a few weeks of time and perform some kind of extravagant surprise for her since our homecoming date, but now, what was I supposed to do with the “relationship” now? This totally blew my mind. I never anticipated that she would do that to me. I thought I was her only one, her only boy interest, and the focus of who would be her next boyfriend. However, all of a sudden she turns around and betrays me and my feelings. I felt comfortable; I let myself be emotionally and psychologically vulnerable to her, honored her and did my best to have a good relationship. Ultimately, it’s as if I let her “have my heart,” and she just takes it, puts it in her bag and hides it when she spends time with the ex.

The next part that hurt was that she does not deny it and she apologized for it. Sorry is not a Band-Aid you put over open wounds, and that is what I refer to that damage as, an open wound. Once you get that open wound dirty, that stuff is going to be infected. You need to clean that up and close that wound and sit yourself down with some antibiotics before you catch yourself some systemic sepsis (infection that affects your whole body). You go into different kinds of shock and your organs fail and you DIE! I think that is one of the best ways I can describe how a person might feel when it seems like this significant other of yours, your world, what seems like the love of your life just hurt you and comes at you with a sorry. You are just trying to survive with an open wound trying to look for antibiotics but are nowhere to be found. Until you are healed and have closed up that wound, your “significant other” is trying to play doctor and help you.

 After trying to build myself up and this idea of what a relationship is like, being faithful, being sweet, kind and to the most acceptable degree of being corny; I was out of place. I tried to be selfless and collected everything I knew about being a loving person and tried to put it into practice. Then, I find out that the one girl that I had been trying to give my love to backstabs me because both of our ideas and concepts of love were different. Somehow my idea that love was selfless was wrong; my idea of love being something not only expressed, but practiced selflessly for one another was wrong. I got involved deeply enough to say things like “I love you.” In an instant, that “I love you” looked like the biggest joke because it seemed as if only one of us took these values of love to heart.

 The biggest mistake about my love life was not that I trusted this girl enough to hurt me, but because I practically looked at this girl and thought of her as “love.” It was registered in my mind that, “She is love.” My mistake was that she was the absolute representative of love in my life. Love was not an adjective or a verb when I looked at her, but it was a noun. As love, I expected her to be selfless, I expected her to care for me, be sweet to me, kind to me, to never betray me and support us and this “relationship.” She was beautiful, she was kind, she gave me that nice feeling of what I thought it meant to be in love, and she made me happy. I looked at her and believed that she behaved as love’s true example. This practice carried all the way up to the moment of betrayal. So when I found out that she had slept with her ex-boyfriend, her behavior showed me that love was selfish, self-serving, lustful, painful, unreserved, unfaithful, fallible, and temporary.

 After this had all happened, the image of love was corrupted and hopeless. I thought at one point that there was no sense to be me, that I was wrong to make myself vulnerable. I started having thoughts that I should change myself. I thought I should become some kind of playboy and stop trying to be a one woman kind of guy because obviously love doesn’t work my way as evidence of what happened. I did not want to be hurt again. Every time I spoke of love, love referred to her. I would be ready to mention how unfaithful and promiscuous she was, how messed up she was, and simultaneously I said similar things against love, calling it nonexistent, purposeless, and talk about how it leaves space for distrust and unfaithfulness. After I had experienced that part of my life I thought like this:

 What a relationship looked like to me. Relationships are going to be imperfect, they may have all the sweetness with all the kisses and nice things, but it’s all going to be a sham and people are just going to try to survive it while trying to get the most of it while they still can.

 What this relationship felt like. It felt like I was just a woman’s play toy. I was innocent and did not know any better and she basically took advantage of the shy boy who only knew to be sweet to girls. She made me feel like faithfulness was solely for imagination. I was ruined. Her act of unfaithfulness told me that I was not enough because she needed a third-party. I was the words and he (the ex) was all the other things most intimate.

 What I thought a relationship involved. After spending time with her, I thought all it took now for a relationship was just money, a personality, hormones to let loose, and just try to make one another and most especially yourself “feel good.”  All of a sudden the thing that felt so wrong just felt so right in her eyes and her heart.

 What took relationships to the next level. Since I did not know any better, she basically buttered me up and set opportunities up so that she could enjoy her time with me and know what heart strings to tug and hormone buttons to push. It looked like relationships were a game of dominate or be dominated, completely. The next level was just the next opportunity for one person to surrender more of him or herself to the other.

 What I thought wouldn’t happen. I thought relationships were against breaking hearts, shattering self-esteem, robbing someone of their precious time, being self-sacrificing and being happy to maintain such a beautiful privilege. All negative, and terrible things fell from the sky in a moment while I was in my ideal love atmosphere.

 Even after her, love’s face was still practically the same; it was the girl of current interest. In my history, the girl of interest generally made me feel like a failure, coming short of my part in a relationship. There was never enough that I could do. I had to reflect over and over again to see what the matter was with me.

 It was only when I was in college that the greatest love that was talked about on campus was God. I honestly didn’t know where to start and how to go about reading the Bible so I picked up a quarterly Bible lesson study guide that passes throughout the year. The lesson of the week was all about Christ’s love and how Christ said we should love. I can’t forget that words found in Matthew 22:39 where it says, “Love your neighbor as thyself.” If there is one thing that most of all people can agree on it is how much we truly love ourselves - to take care, satisfy, to benefit, sustain and give ourselves the best in this world. After a history of hurt, the one time I actually opened up that study guide, it just so happened that the very lesson for loving like Christ, the prime example of love, was the lesson for the week. What a “coincidence!” This made a big impact on me because in the darkest of my days, when life was so deeply influenced by occurrences in my love life, these were the words that took me out of the dark.

 After being hurt so much, my normal reaction or response to such stress was to withdraw, to protect myself, and to never let anyone get close to me. At the same time, I was so vulnerable that I accepted anything that looked like it could get me out of the dark. At this moment, the last option for deliverance was the study guide, so I read on in the lesson. One of the next verses I read was, “Love your neighbor as thyself.” I really took the time to reflect on it; I examined how relevant it was to me and my experience. If that girl of interest had loved her neighbor, specifically, if she had loved me like she loved herself, I would think that she should have loved me too, by not hurting me. However, what if she could not do that? Well, I came to realize that if you want to see change in the world, in your life, you start by seeing through to that change in yourself; Initiatives have to take place. If you ask when that could happen, the answer is today. I really wanted my integrity, my purpose, my self-esteem, and a firm ground to stand on when I talked about love, especially as I looked for a partner in life. The way I show and demonstrate that I love myself is to keep myself together and do what I can to make others happy; this alone would bring me joy especially in atmosphere and the lifestyle of love. I wanted to love by not demeaning, degrading, or breaking down anyone’s spirit and this was my initiative, my new prioritized lifestyle choice. I could not deny the existence of a selfless and great love as I silently and spiritually desired to seek it out. Eventually, healing became easier and more effective with time following my reflections with the things Christ spoke of on how to love; it was so effective that it even healed deep wounds of the past.

 The biggest mistake of my love life was surely that I never took note, gave credit or acknowledged Christ as the true face, essence, author, and founder of love. Sure it was easy to say how there was Man, Jesus Christ who died for our sins that we might live, but until we put it into words and circumstances we can comprehend; we never truly hear the message. God, the Father, sacrificed His only Son to die for the sins of the world that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish but should have everlasting life. What Father sends His own Son to save a world? What Son of any Father is willing to die for the sake of others? The answer to that is the One who loves. He has been ridiculed, beaten, and killed so that we like Him, would know true love and know that we can overcome the world and sin. “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends” John 15:13 KJV).

 We know more of love through selfless and self-sacrificing acts than selfish and self-benefiting acts. For those of us who already claim to know God should know very well that He is the one we go to when we ask for forgiveness; forgiveness from our wrongdoings, our selfishness and from everything that we know that hurts Him and His principles. When we abuse our relationship with Him, we rack up our total number of apologies. The biggest flaw to our apologies is when there is no change, to be more specific, there is no conviction or desire to change. “Conviction takes hold upon the mind and heart. The sinner has a sense of the righteousness of Jehovah [God], and feels the terror of appearing, in his own guilt and uncleanness” (Steps to Christ page 24).

 We all say our apologies for our mistakes stemming from pure selfish and intentional acts. We may apologize for the circumstance, we may apologize for the number of occurrences, we may apologize for part of the truth, but we find it most difficult to apologize with a change of heart. It’s nonsense to be in a relationship with someone who wrongs you and always says sorry. It is difficult if your significant other not only betrays you by being with someone else but by devoting themselves to other things: flirting with the opposite gender, engaging in activities that you don’t approve of, and other activities that betray your values and principles, not only in a relationship but as a person. When we forgive our significant others for those faults, we are not approving of the opportunity for them to betray us again, but we are enabling trust, we are acting on principles of love and grace.

 I have come to God every day, especially morning and night asking for forgiveness for the same sin. At first I used to believe that I would be OK, only to find myself doing the same sin again. My sin gives me pleasure and it satisfies me, but after the act of sin, it makes me feel empty and compromised. God is more than willing to forgive me for my sin, and I usually only ask for forgiveness when I’m in that time period of feeling regret. I think it’s fair to say that the Creator of the universe, who wants to have a relationship with me, has more than enough reasons to destroy me, to leave me alone and let me suffer in my own mistakes in my sin streak. However, by His grace, He has forgiven me and He has not forsaken me. I was supposed to be left alone for my wrong doing but He did not give up on me. He showed me love, He showed me that love was not evident because He says He forgives me, but because He let me stand on probation for something I’m completely guilty for. Jesus died for those sins that I have committed so that I could be forgiven.  The wages of sin are death, but if Christ has paid that price for me, I only have hope to live the life that He wanted me to live in the first place, the one with love for Him. He continually hurts every time I violate my relationship with Him because I betray Him, His principles and values with my sin. I can only honor our relationship, my idea of love by changing, by transforming myself and apologizing with a change of heart.

 My words will never apologize for me, but my decisions that I choose to define who I am will continue to satisfy my personal desire to be a better significant other in a relationship; this ultimately satisfies my relationship with Christ who takes away the sin of the world. My earthly relationships never improved because I said I wanted to be the best boyfriend I could be, but because I put myself out there as Jesus wanted me to, to love my neighbor, to love others as I love myself. I will continue to hate to be sorry, but forever love to honor my relationships with Christ empowered change.

 “The humble and broken heart, subdued by genuine repentance, will appreciate something of the love of God and the cost of Calvary; and as a son confesses to a loving father, so will the truly penitent bring all his sins before God. And it is written, ‘If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.’ 1 John 1:9” (Steps to Christ page 42).

 That girl from high school was sorry for doing what she did with another man, but she went as far as to try to make it up to me and want to do the same thing with me. Just because you want to transfer “treasure” from your ex-boyfriend’s account to mine does not fix everything. I did not want treasure that they shared, but I wanted new treasure between the two of us – I wanted a relationship with value and principle. I could not trust her again and I had grown more withdrawn to the idea of relationships, especially those that violated those principles that I first started out with. It was only by my college life that I personally forgave her to let it go, and I also forgave anyone else who wronged me and abused my vulnerability and self-sacrificing soul. By doing this, I started understanding love in a deeper and profound manner. I began seeing love as forgiveness, being absent of grudges, and hating only the ACTS that dishonor and corrupt the integrity of relationships. I eventually freed myself of grudges and forgave others of their wrong doings against me, as Christ has forgiven me for my sins. My biggest mistake of my love life was covered by the words, the promises, the grace and the love that Christ has shown and is all about.

  What a relationship looked like to me. I used to think that a relationship had nothing to do with Christ and there was nothing that Christ could teach or say about love. I was very ignorant and I believed that love was something that could be managed between two people. A relationship was two people armoring themselves for a battle of incoming conflicts trying to love one another by not trying to accidentally or intentionally hurt one another with their own weapons and gear. I was trying to survive my “relationship” with that senior girl. Now, I see that Christ has everything to do with a relationship. Relationships looked more like surviving with Christ than surviving with someone else (who also needs Christ). There has never been a better teacher of love than Christ as much as we wish to give all the credit to trial-and-error. The evidence of love was seen more through loving one another and forgiving one another for the respective short-comings and always trying to better one another. I can’t expect to be in a relationship without having Christ present because I know myself that I can’t change myself alone; I won’t know and behave lovingly without Him. God is the Author of love, and I’ll always be more joyful and happy to transform myself for the sake of love, His love.

 What this relationship felt like. God through His Son, Jesus Christ sets up the perfect example of love. A love that does not fear to hurt one another, but a love that has so much affection and value in another person that hurting one another was less likely. I used to be so sorry and fearful of God that sometimes I would not talk or pray to Him at times just because I knew I deserved a thunderbolt of death. I used to be fearful in my relationships because of how much of myself I felt like I had to compromise for my significant other to not be scared of me or find me as a threat to her defense mechanisms, which ultimately had her dominate me. Now, with Christ, relationships seemed less like two giant trees with their roots fighting for most of the soil and more like two giant trees with their roots entangled, sharing, and keeping each other firm in the soil. A relationship was more like teamwork through mutual self-sacrifices for the sake of one another. Christ did not leave me to get better on my own, but He helped me every day, gave me the opportunity to walk with Him every second of every day. He truly loves me and helps me makeup for my shortcomings without ever going near or getting involved in anything that dishonors the relationship.

 What I thought a relationship involved. I always thought a good relationship meant good communication skills and cooperation. I knew more about communication the more I prayed to God, every morning when I woke up and every evening before I slept. I would do that anyway with the girl of interest, greet her in the morning as she was getting up and every night before one of us slept. I became personally attached sharing with Him my deepest cares, concerns, confessions, and desires and my relationship definitely became stronger as I asked for opportunity for changing and transforming of my character, to want to do things that were good. As I heard and reflected upon myself, my shortcomings and my personal needs for bettering myself as a significant other, I continued to grow in the very values I desired in Christ. Those very values are the same ones I bring into relationships, the ones I put out on the table and say that I desire, value and cannot compromise – God, family, fidelity, trust, honesty, communication, and so on. Relationships involve values that cannot be compromised and give foundation to the relationship; my actions and behaviors were most significant when I associated them with those values. I continually desire to stay in connection, especially through communication, through prayer with God so that His love, real love and presence will be involved in my love as I wish with my own personal relationship with others.

 What takes it to the next level. I never furthered my relationship with my significant other because I performed my duties in an OK manner, or because I simply behaved satisfactorily. I furthered my relationship with my significant other because I desired to grow beyond expectations, desired to do more for her. At first, I never had any desire to get to the next level with Christ because I already felt like scum of the earth at His feet as I indulged in my own life selfishly. I knew my relationship with Him was never going to get better because I wanted to treat myself better than I could treat Him. He already wants to shower me with gifts, but I could not realize it because I was so caught up with myself. I was kidding myself trying to be in a relationship with Him, and only focusing on myself. However, with time I looked to Christ and through His Word He, with a mirror, showed me a reflection myself. He showed me what needed to change and what it took to really love and I accepted the challenge. To many people, it is a daily obstacle for a sense of love, but to me it a sense of love that I can go through the daily obstacle. I am willing to call myself wrong, to tell myself that I am scum, but I will do it for the sake of love, to change and to be better than what I used to be satisfied with being. With error I will never be enough, but with Christ I will always be whole. What am I seeking? Is it error in self, or perfection in Christ? Seek, read, pray, transform and the next level is right around the corner.

 What I thought wouldn’t happen. I’m flawed and I will always be. I am a sinner; I am the very mistake that I make every single day for most of my life and the ones I will make tomorrow. I deserve my own electric chair for pain, for abuse, for wrongs that I have committed against my neighbor, my peers, friends, family and the one who loves us all, God. Here I am sitting in my electric chair, looking at all the people I have wronged and will wrong across the room through a see-through glass. I’m all strapped in, the machine is powered, my hands are sweaty, and my extremities are tightened. Here I am in tears, sorry for the wrong that I had caused, for the wrong that I am, and how much I wished I could have changed. In the end, as my anxiety is built up I am let loose and someone else has pleaded guilty for my wrongdoings; Jesus is sitting in my electric chair. But Jesus didn’t steal from that man I stole from, He didn’t break mom’s heart, He never broke up my friend’s relationship, He broke the law, He’s innocent. As I walk away He’s the one left to take my punishment. Everyone who I had wronged, who had witnessed someone take my place in the electric chair may have been very well disappointed in how I “lucked out,” but I will never be the same knowing how much love it took that man to care for me to take my place. The only thing left to do on this earth is to live the life He wanted me to live, not the life we all feel sorry for, that will only make the room of wronged people grow bigger. I never thought love would look like this, but that’s what it is. Love is self-sacrificing, and because he sat in my electric chair, love will always be Him, the innocence He wanted me to be, the love He wanted me to be about and share. No sorry will fill the space or be the gratitude for the act that He did for me, that He also has done for you, only life born again, repurposed, and renewed in Christ, in His values, the very one He died for can be our only response to His sacrifice.

 Love has a face and it is God, most especially Jesus Christ. It is my hope and prayer for you that from today and for the rest of your life, God through Jesus Christ is and will always be love. I have come to realize that my thoughts and beliefs on love that I had in high school and even in college for a few years was small compared to the kind of love that God has intended for us. Love is no longer a girl and a bad experience, but principles and values that are well profound and unhidden in the presence of self-sacrifice. May no one stain that image of love or break that spirit that soul of yours that is nothing short of a vessel to contain, receive and give love. God’s love for you is unconditional and may Christ’s sacrifice be a continual reminder that love is not broken, it is a not a mistake, it is the very thing that we willingly desire to perfect, not in the fear of falling, but for the passion for innocence and goodness forever and ever. “Nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:39). May you desire to seek and receive God’s love so that you can also have the potential to give, claim and share that very love today and for the rest of your life.

The Adventist University of the Philippines, the place I had chosen to study for almost 4 years for college has ruined my life. There is no other place that my parents could have willingly sponsored me to go to that would have would made me feel out of place and made me feel more like I was living in a prison. Before day one of my stay at the university, I have already heard some of the comments from friends and survivors of the university and what to expect, the only thing to get me through the four years was telling myself, “I’m only here for 4 years.”

I was born into a Seventh-Day Adventist home, always went to church with my parents every Saturday, and I was even active in my church choir for some time. Although I grew up going to public school, my close friends were the Filipino kids from my home church. The only two reasons why I chose to go to school in AUP was because, (1) financially I would save a lot of money and not be in debt when I graduate, and (2) according to a close friend from church, also an AUP alumni of 2009 told me that if I went to AUP that it would be the best years of my life.

The Attendance. When I got to AUP, not only was I culture shocked but I was shocked spiritually. First thing that made me harden my heart was the implementation of church attendance for all worship services and how there was relationship between attendance and whether or not you would graduate with academic honor or not. In addition to that, when I lived in the dormitory, I was not allowed to leave the university campus unless I attended worships at 5am and 7pm? Now that’s pushing it, literally. The idea of quantifying or measuring one’s spiritual practices by attendances disgusted me.

The Music. When I was in church, most songs were played by instruments and the percussion, if any, were merely accents, close to being heard softly to what seemed in some ears, unnoticeable. Issues with music came up when friends in religious singing groups relied on CD soundtracks but were not approved because of the perception of deep or rather effective incorporation of drums in the songs of the soundtracks. Non-academic events such as retreats, acquaintances, or any social event in general did not play just any type of music. All music played anywhere or associated in any way to the “AUP Kingdom” had to be approved by certain officials. Music was approved for the church or basically looked at as detrimental.

The Food. My first year in AUP, I have gone through the rite of passage of eating in the cafeteria by crunching down into what most people believed to be stones or rocks in the rice. Everything was vegetarian, not always tasty, but not always what I had in mind unless we are talking about champorado or fruits. The idea of cafeteria load or paying for it, I have no other comment other than, if we’re paying for food with money, then why does the “currency” in which we avail our food, “run out?”

The Small Groups. My second year at AUP, I joined a small group, small groups which are promoted by the university. This was the first time that I ever agreed to assuming a leadership position for taking charge of any form of ministry whatsoever in my college life. Never have I in my life been looked down upon in a group of other professed Christians just for simply being from North America and being perceived as fake, or even what felt like a useless cause or form for ministry. Criticism upon criticism and spices of drama.

Although I had to remind myself that my stay in the university was only temporary. The continuous struggles reminded me that for me to stay sane and continue to bear with circumstances, something greater than survival would have to keep my spirits up. How would I survive if I did not know what to survive with or what to survive for? Was I going to survive simply because I was to be “freed” at graduation? Because of the absence of financial debt related to education?

On March 19, 2014, I experienced a major turning point in my life. I had almost lost my life instantly due to an anaphylactic shock. I redefined my purpose in life thanks to Christ and I found a peace that nowhere and no one else in the world could have provided. After this experience I lived out the rest of the one year left that I had in AUP to surrender what I could to God and allow Him to work in my life and use me in whatever way He saw fit. He called me to give a sermon in two churches which I could have never done without Him and after that, my spiritual health grew like never before.

Now as a graduate, class of 2015, batch Quintessence of AUP, home sitting on my laptop typing out this message, I still feel a bit robbed, bitter, and saddened.

The Attendance. My local church has been emptier than ever, with my friends and younger youth that I had grown up with, far away from my church and even farther away in the faith. As my four years passed quickly, my friends and companions have also left my church in the same manner. I feel like I stand alone as a young adult in my church trying to encourage the youngest of youth to love God and to read their Bibles as I cling to whatever I can do to serve the Lord whether it’s singing to the elderly in nursing homes or help out in Pathfinders and serve as an assistant to our Pathfinder club director. I am alone.

The Music. I used to have over 1000 songs on my iPod and music library, but I dwindled down to 300 songs that are exclusively but not limited to gospel songs and some love songs. When I sit in the car with my friends and listen to the pop songs that come on and see the hip new dance crazes it seems as if everyone is being hypnotized, even more so when people listen to a “song” that has a catchy beat, but have foul lyrics, and they justify them listening to it because they believe that, “it has a catchy beat” and, “it doesn’t affect me.” I feel like I’m looking at zombies rock their head to the beat, relinquishing themselves to entertainment and lose God and His values willingly. I am heartbroken.

The Food. The long 4 years of desiring meat has lead me to meet the truth that meat is undesirable with all the compromises made to produce, manufacture and sell. It becomes trash to the body and it merely consists of drugs and hormones that pass off as “food.” Fast food starts to sound like it’s been chemically produced from a chemistry food lab that gets by with the label “edible” whereas I look back to AUP cafeteria and not only do I see that food as edible, but “sustainable.” How long is it possible to fast for?

The Small Groups. I forgive those who have judged, commented or have had ill feelings against me or my friends, I could understand that they may not understand the shoes that Americans are born into or possibly individuals are just harsh to judge and to desire damnation upon others. Anyway, I’m not serving a group anymore to serve the people, a student body, if I serve, I serve my local church and the members there. I am no pastor or well strengthened Bible scholar, but I have the passion and will to serve God whatever the circumstance I am given for the day. I miss the fellowships I had with people my own age who endured what I have endured in AUP, who know what I’m talking about when I talk about life in the Philippines away from home. The routine of having a weekly meeting to gather with other leaders of my small group to run a worship service or program is now a routine of do whatever you want - less responsibility, less work, less involvement, less service. What’s the point now?

I am robbed, bitter, and saddened. My life is ruined. The life that I knew to be well founded, to be preserved and to be firm was chipped away by AUP and by the little as well as big chunks of doctrines and practices that crept into my core. My life is not the same as I cannot merely sit idle knowing that what I know has power, experiencing God and His goodness first hand is not merely coincidence but evidence of Providence. When you see something amazing, how do you sit still and not share it? How does one become unmoved by something truly awesome? How does one live in a world or life of lies when you have already seen and known the truth?

The Adventist University of the Philippines is no perfect place with the perfect kind of people, but I could never think of another place more fit for me to prove and shape one’s character. We go to college for ourselves, but we educate ourselves for God, but we never truly graduate from God, His Word or His institutions. We are never finished or unsatisfied with God, His love, His goodness and His righteousness. As my eyes have been opened by my experience and exposure to God in my four years in AUP, the place that once felt like a prison, that made me feel like I had to be a survivor now looks like church that takes in refugees from the world’s worst conditions and rears them up as its advocates and sends them back into the world whether we like it or not. Then sooner or later, as its advocates we learn and realize that the world and its trendy doctrines are a prison and we are the ones to survive and stay away from it.

The attendance rule may be ugly, but it never insisted on giving an individual a reason to stop or hate going to church, we go to church and attend to seek God and fellowship with others as God would have us do. The discussion on music is argued, but when you personally come to realize how music is used, you will not bicker over the matter of drums or no drums, but you will ultimately be fighting for glory or for no glory for the Lord. Food, some people cannot afford, say you have expensive taste, but compared to no food, unless you are used to fasting, AUP food for the most part, this a blessing that sustains than the popular food of the world that deteriorates. For small groups, or whatever ministry we have, whether in few numbers or big numbers, we are working for the glory of God and to grant God His interest in souls to collect for His Second Coming, fighting with one another is far from granting God His glory. No group is better than the other especially if we exhaust more efforts to not get into His kingdom because we did not leave matters up to God in the first place.

As a fellow AUPian once asked, “Is there anything that AUP implements that goes against the Bible?” If it were so, this AUPian would not be at AUP. AUP ruins lives, it ruined my life, an old life that has no place in heaven. In my own personal spiritual journey, AUP has challenged me as well as God and His righteousness and faithfulness for me to live a new life, not the one I entered AUP with, but one that truly desires change that does not merely come from out from my mouth, from the desires of my heart, but comes from my soul. I challenge AUP students that are unsatisfied with AUP to not look at AUP, but to look to Christ, for it will take Christ not only to survive AUP, but to survive this world. Life after AUP does not involve God less but it involves Him more and as He transforms your life. Your previous life without Him will be ruined and your soul will desire a new vessel a new life with Him, and He is all you can, should, and will cling to.

"And do not be conformed to this world, but be TRANSFORMED by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God." Romans 12:2

Before we can be transformed we need to acknowledge our need for the Holy Spirit which helps lead the way for the kind of life that we should live, a life closer and more in tune with Christ and His will. We need to plead for the Holy Spirit. If we do not truly have God in our hearts and lives through the Holy Spirit, it is impossible to really have true joy, love, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, and faith. Only when the Holy Spirit has FULLY and wholly possessed us can we truly experience the fruit of the spirit. We cannot just plead for the individual portions of the fruits of the spirit; we must plead for the whole fruit. Galatians 5:22 says "But the FRUIT of the Spirit is LOVE, JOY, PEACE, LONGSUFFERING, KINDNESS, GOODNESS, FAITHFULNESS, GENTLENESS, SELF-CONTROL. Against such there is no law." When we are filled with fruit of the Spirit in our lives, it becomes so much more natural and automatic to be joyful, loving, kind, and patient. It just emanates from your entire being. When you bear these fruits for yourself, you would go through life knowing that you would not want to have any other fruit for yourself in this life that did not come from the Holy Spirit.

Our prayer should be, Lord, fill us with your Spirit. Clothe us with righteousness so that we may be able to minister unto others with true kindness, genuine joy, patience, peace, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

“For this cause I bow my knees unto the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,

Of whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named,

That he would grant you, according to the riches of his glory, to be strengthened with might by his Spirit in the inner man;

That Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith; that ye, being rooted and grounded in love,

May be able to comprehend with all saints what is the breadth, and length, and depth, and height;

And to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fulness of God.

Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us,

Unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen.”

- Ephesians 3:14-21 KJV ---

Special thanks to Ren for the additional elaboration on the fruits of the spirit and the input there.