quinnthegoblinkid

I have always placated people by buying them things. I first learnt to do this with my middle school bully, who I realised would actually walk with me and be nice if I bought her gum at the corner store.

Gifts = I am worthy of human kindness

Fast forward to now, and gift giving is my "love language". Except it's not. It's a fear response to my world.

And with mortgage rates going up , petrol prices etc, I had to tell my boss (who I've worked with for over 10 years) that I can't buy him coffee anymore right now, with tears in my eyes.

He looked at me confused and told me it's perfectly okay. He never expected me to do that and asked me why I looked so upset. I explained it's how I show I care and I worried he'd be sad if I didn't buy him a coffee.

He gently explained that I didn't need to do that, ever. And I am currently in a cognitive dissonance moment where this deep part of me is trying to tell me gifts are the only way to stay safe.

If someone you know or love is having a meltdown, please do NOT

Tell us to "stop it"

Touch us without permission

Yell at us or talk over us

Ask for complicated tasks or answers

Leave us alone if it's obvious we're a danger to ourselves or others

Use restraints, either with your own body or with physical restraints

Panic

Shake us or manhandle us. We can hear you, we just can't respond well

Remember, we are not being a problem; we're having a problem!

So, things to do!

Do:

Make sure we're safe

Remove all stimuli including turning off lights if possible, giving stim toys, noise cancelling headphones etc

Remove us from the situation if possible

Talk softly and offer alternative forms of communication if possible

Sit with us if safe to do so

Offer a stuffed animal or comfort item

Set up a meltdown guide with us so everyone is on the same page

Understand we will be unable to do much post-meltdown. Water, snacks and quiet is required.

Reassurance helps. Guilt often sets in post-meltdown.

A period of inactivity (known as a shutdown) often occurs right after a meltdown. We won't respond or look at you, but we can hear you. Please let this happen naturally