So. Shit Went Sideways, huh?
Was reading a great post titled “Blame” written by @instructor144 and was inspired to put a few words down on a subject that doesn’t get a lot of discussion. How to manage screw-ups in a BDSM context.
The common theme of just about all kink is that it is “edgy”. Granted, my definition of edgy may not match your definition of edgy - but I like to think that Kitten and I do all right. I imagine that most of the people who are honest about their enthusiasm for D/s or embrace their kinks are the same people who like being outside to watch a thunderstorm to the very last minute or who would always want to be lighting the fireworks rather than just watching at a distance.
So, the rock solid inevitability is that no matter how perfect the first time may be, no matter how much you’ve read and prepared, no matter how competent and well meaning you may be …
Shit - Will - Go - Wrong.
Practice, patience, diligence, all means that instances where things go wrong may be fewer and farther between. But … it is still gonna happen eventually.
If your communication channels are structured right, if you’re really making sure that aftercare and debrief conversations are not just something you do to pat each other on the back about what amazing sex machines you both are, you can probably come through even better when things don’t go right. Here are some things that I think help manage the fallout when your sex dungeon fantasy from Sade to just plain sad.
1. “That’s So Meta”: Meta conversations help. This could be in the negotiation stage early on or this could be in the form of an informal “mini” negotiation before you’re going to do something particularly bonkers. You don’t need to give away all the tricks - but the more open you are about what you want to do in the broad strokes the better prepared both of you are going in. If you think you’re going to do something that pushes the borderline - you should let that person know you’re going way off-road and in what general direction you’re going. (If Kitten is feeling particularly sensitive, nipple clamps are a poor choice of a surprise - you’re gonna have a bad time.)
2. “Is Everyone OK?”: When I was a lifeguard, we were drilled to say “someone call 911″ when responding to a scene - even before asking what the fuck happened. We use a red/yellow/green system. Yellow is a “soft” safe word. Red means “stop the ride”. When red comes out my first question is “Are you OK?” Not, “why did you safe word”, not, “how about we just fuck” … no no no. “Are you OK?” as in, is anyone hurt be it physically or emotionally? Just because someone consented doesn’t mean they can’t get hurt. There’s a reason they have you sign release forms when you go bungee jumping and sky diving, people. Just because you “accepted the risk” does not mean that “there is no risk”.
3. You may aftercare at this point … or you may not. The both of you may be too pissed off to really look at one another - depends on how egregious the transgression is. Generally, if there’s been a “wreck” (as I like to call failed scenes in my own mind) it is best to talk about it the next day or two days later.
4. “Just the Facts”: When you are debriefing about the “wreck”, I recommend trying to stick to facts. Discuss the timeline of events - literally “what happened”. Then discuss how it made you feel. This isn’t just about how it made the sub feel or just about how it made the Dom feel - both of you discuss how the events made you feel. It is important not to take this as blaming or accusing one another - this is a factual catalogue of the emotions you both were feeling when the scene went south. Then, to the best of your ability, try and explain why you felt that way.
5. “What Will We Do Differently?”: Time to collaborate. In every wrecked scene there are things I can do differently and there are things she can do differently. We’re partners, and we both can confirm there are things we can do to communicate better and avoid this in the future. This doesn’t mean there aren’t times when MY to-do list for next time is not longer than hers (as someone who is learning a lot through trial and error this is the case) - but usually a wrecked scene is the result of me not understanding what she is trying to tell me, her not telling me what I need to know, or a healthy mix of both - with some technique problems thrown in for good measure.
6. Give it time to Breathe: The one thing I personally recommend you DO NOT DO is immediately try that thing you screwed up as soon as you can. I know you want to atone and show how fucking awesome you are with that hard leather flogger. And next time, you’ll only leave the gag in for 4 minutes in stead of 10, and, and and. No. No. The best thing you can do is go back to something a bit simpler - focus on giving instructions, receiving instructions, giving feedback and understanding feedback. Once the faith in the fundamentals is restored you can go back to balcony fucking or underwater masturbation/orgasm denial or whatever other pervy thing you two deviants can come up with.
If the conversation drifts to “who is to blame” for a scene going south - it will be a much longer trip back. Hope this is helpful.
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