I wonder if my dad ever figured out that I have attachment trauma. Possibly, if not leaning towards probably, in hindsight, given how hard he fought to stay around for me.

roma★
Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her
will byers stan first human second
Mike Driver
$LAYYYTER
Keni
h
trying on a metaphor

★
Xuebing Du
I'd rather be in outer space 🛸
EXPECTATIONS
The Stonewall Inn
Aqua Utopia|海の底で記憶を紡ぐ
TVSTRANGERTHINGS

tannertan36
wallacepolsom
One Nice Bug Per Day
ojovivo
seen from Austria
seen from United Kingdom
seen from Malaysia
seen from United States
seen from Canada
seen from United States

seen from United States
seen from New Zealand

seen from Malaysia
seen from United States
seen from Spain

seen from United States

seen from United States

seen from United States

seen from United States

seen from Malaysia

seen from United States

seen from United States

seen from Malaysia

seen from Singapore
@quietlyvoicedthoughts
I wonder if my dad ever figured out that I have attachment trauma. Possibly, if not leaning towards probably, in hindsight, given how hard he fought to stay around for me.

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
Realistically, I know that I have such trust issues is not my fault. Trauma and experience says "Run! Hide! Isolate!" where human biology says "Reach out! Ask for help! People are safe!"
Regardless, it's still my responsibility.
And good god, is it hard.
in bed after a terrible awful no-good day, the thought struck me that "and I didn't even tear up once in frustration! i deserve a gold star"
and then: "someone should give me a gold star"
and then: "im an adult. im in charge of giving myself gold stars"
and i remembered i keep a box of glitter stickers for this exact scenario.
and that's how my terrible no good awful day ended with me covered arms-to-legs in glitter stickers. there are tiny stars scattered over my bedsheets. i understand why my parents didn't let me do this. it felt amazing. i will definitely be repeating this behaviour.
anyway. give yourself stars.
Realistically, I know on the intellectual level that yeah, my friends would come and help me if something serious like a bad fall happened. But the sheer idea of being that venerable terrifies me.
The last time I was picked up- well, that I was conscious for anyway (surgery doesn't count imho) I was 14 and I badly tore a tendon in my foot. I think I swore or shouted or.. something, because my dad came running out and picked me up, brought me back inside, up the back stairs (5 steps) and deposited me on the couch in the front room.
I don't really remember what happened after that- RICE treatment probably, but that was the last time anyone physically rescued me.
There's just something.. really ... idek about that.
I'm so sick of having to rely only on myself that hearing about other people being helped like that when they're too sick or injured ... just.. makes me ache in a way I can't put to words.

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
I feel fundamentally.. maybe not flawed, but different than the majority of people because no, my mind does not immediately go to sex. (It rarely does actually.)
and maybe I'm an egg, or perhaps just having bad pmdd, but no, I don't really want to fuck them.
I want to be them.
I want that love. That support. That visible care that practically oozes out of every photo.
I want to feel safe enough to actually express myself fully and not be deemed simultaneously too much and not enough.
It's... interesting- I guess that's the word for it- that I can only engage with my mom about my extreme fears associated with probable surgery again when we're alone (or only with the baby)
As soon as my sister comes in or my BiL is there, her ability to engage with me on the level that I need evaporates.
some medical and personal historic nsfw under the cut
I don't think I'm in the red anymore, but I'm definitely not in the green yet
Sometimes Google's AI works really well.
I googled, "Why does emotionally inconsistent parenting psychologically damage children?" and the response basically summed up my entire fucking life lol
Emotionally inconsistent parenting is damaging because it prevents a child from forming secure attachments, developing self-worth, and learning to regulate their own emotions. Children in these environments often become anxious, hyper-vigilant, and have a pervasive sense of insecurity, leading to long-term challenges with trust, relationships, and mental health into adulthood.
Impact on a Child's Development
Inability to Predict and Understand:Children struggle to understand why a parent's reaction to the same behavior differs, leading to feelings of confusion and a belief that they are inherently "bad" or "wrong".
Hyper-vigilance and Anxiety:To navigate the unpredictable environment, children become hyper-aware of their parents' moods and behaviors, constantly monitoring for potential emotional outbursts or withdrawal.
Low Self-Worth and Insecurity:Inconsistency damages a child's sense of self, leading to feelings of inadequacy and a belief that they are faulty or deserving of negative treatment.
Difficulty with Trust:When love and connection feel conditional, children learn to distrust others, believing that relationships are unreliable and can be severed at any moment.
Long-Term Consequences
Mental Health Issues:.Children who experience emotionally inconsistent parenting are at higher risk for anxiety, depression, and other mental health challenges.
Impaired Emotional Regulation:.They may struggle to manage their own emotions, having learned maladaptive coping mechanisms from their inconsistent caregivers.
Problems in Relationships:.These early experiences can lead to difficulties in forming healthy relationships in adulthood, including issues with intimacy, trust, and vulnerability.
Self-Sabotaging Behaviors:.To protect themselves from perceived abandonment, adults from these backgrounds may engage in "push-pull" dynamics, ending relationships prematurely or constantly seeking reassurance.
How Inconsistency Creates Harm
Lack of Secure Attachment:.A secure attachment is vital for a child's sense of safety and connection, but emotional inconsistency disrupts this process, making it difficult to feel secure in the parent-child relationship.
Emotional Neglect:.While basic needs may be met, a lack of consistent emotional support leaves a child feeling neglected, confused, and unsupported.
Modeling Dysregulation:.Emotionally volatile parents often model emotional dysregulation, teaching children that outbursts are a normal way to react to stress, rather than teaching them self-regulation.
About dissociation in childhood, from Treating Adult Survivors of Childhood Emotional Abuse and Neglect (pp. 148-150)

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
part of long term trauma is wishing something horrible happened to you to actually validate your feelings.
I don't talk- or even contemplate all the things that have happened to me all that much. It hurts. I doubt I've even uncovered it all, though I suspect I've uncovered some of the worst of it. (can't get much worse than an episode csa)
when I first dealt with my spine injury (and changing life situation) I specifically went to a therapist who worked with veterans extensively, because I knew she'd have dealt with more complicated patients than me. Which is a sad and fucked up statement, but my thoughts at the time none the less.
Whelp, made if 15+ years on tumblr only to be blocked because I wasn't careful enough. And by a blog I respected. Maybe didn't agree with on everything, but respected. For something they misinterpreted about me. And yes, I can totally see where they came to that conclusion even if it's wrong... you could've just asked. I even apologized, owned up to my mistake. I'm not sure what else I'm supposed to do. (But I also know some people have very little tolerance for people who think differently than themselves.)
Why is it that every time I let myself relax a little bit it blows up in my face? Is it even possible for someone like me to relate to other people? To let go? To not be so caught up in what other people think and feel that I can actually exist and take up space?
And perhaps the hardest part is acknowledging- knowing on a fundamental level- that I do deserve that kind of love and support. That I'm not an exception.
It's interesting in a really sad way looking at my childhood, my reactions, my trauma, and recognizing how fucked up it all was.
Apparently as a child you're supposed to learn people are safe. That lesson has never really stuck with me. Maybe I'm over perceptive, or maybe I've just been rejected so goddamn many times I stopped even trying, but people aren't safe. They never really were.
I was rejected by my peers for what I recognize now as probable autism. My mother favored my sister over me for reasons unknown. I didn't even try with my dad until later, and in hindsight that was a mistake because he was actually the most stable of the entire family by far, but by the time I recognized that, that ship of a stable secure attachment style had already sailed.
Maybe my problem isn't that my parents were fundamentally unequipped to care for a neurodivergent second child. Maybe it's that they were fundamentally unequipped to care for a second child at all.

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
I'm in a bit of a weird place. On the one hand, I really, really, REALLY don't want spine surgery again. It took me a year to recover from last time and was hell the whole way... and this time it would be on my neck, not my L spine.
But I also like having feeling in my fingers and fine motor control and such. Given that a good portion of my job is working with my hands that's something I kind of need.
On the other hand, I'm feeling very isolated and alone with.. everything going on in life. And if I can manage to not get stuck in a PTSD spiral (which is much less likely given that I know what spine surgery entails now) and I do have to get hospitalized for a bit after a surgery (which is also highly likely given my symptoms and what I'll probably need done) I'm going to damn well enjoy it. I'm going to appreciate having an entire goddamn team of people who's job it is to try and get me better again.
Yes, it's going to suck, yes it's going to hurt like a bitch, and yes it's horrible. But the alternative (slowly loosing more and more function in my hands) is much worse.
the idea of having someone truly have your back... is a fantasy for me.