The real princess diaries

I miss you. I miss your jokes, your laugh. The way you can light up a room when you walk in. I miss the way you used to care. I miss the weak side of you, the way you would tear for things that others wouldn’t dare to care.

You’ve grown cold, as you should be. We have endured such copious amounts of pain and sorrow, I don’t question the need for a wall.

My only question is— why is your wall boarded off for me, too? Then I remember, you’re trapped.

Trapped with uncertainty in the devils den. If only you realized, but how could you? You fell in to the trap, trusting that he was right in his devious ways.

If only you realized, I want to get you out. If only you realized you’re not alone. If only you realized we didn’t leave you for dead.

But — how could you? He has you tightly woven in to his lies. You’re so far from the truth, but you were lied to for far to long.

You trust his fake pity and charm. Trusting that he wouldn’t dare do any harm. Not caring when he does, because let’s not forget— you both have become one.

Most days, I don’t want you in my life.

I’ve picked a new family of mine.

But tonight, I’m fed up.

It must have been something I did, something I said, something I didn’t do.

It must have been something I did, something I said, something I didn’t do to lose you.

Remembering growing up, I went through a lot, I endured by myself the pain of losing my family on top of everything else.

I was all alone, nobody else, you constantly were at moms throat.

Confiding in me, telling me the things you’d do if he ever crossed your path again.

It must have been something I did, something I said, something I didn’t do.

It must have been something I did, something I said, something I didn’t do to lose you.

Tonight I realized, it wasn’t something I did.

It wasn’t something I said, it wasn’t something I didn’t do.

I was ten years old, fighting off the monsters of the world.

You turned your sights away from your family, and towards your latest fling and made me your right wing.

Looking back over the last year, I’m thankful you threw me out of your life for your new wife.

I’m thankful I met so many friends and the love of my life.

So, it wasn’t something I did, something I said, something I didn’t do.

It was something you did, something you said, something you didn’t do.

Go ahead, type a post. Staring at the empty screen, she couldn’t help but feel lost. Why? Coming up on two years ago now, she was almost engaged, and almost even married. She had previously stopped really thinking about marriage, and then she spoke to him once more. The way he made her feel— like there was nothing they couldn’t accomplish together. Spiraling out of their relationship, hitting the bottom, she found the love of her life? Well, maybe. She had thought so. She adored him. With his soul, he filled hers once again. She fell in love once more, but there was something in the way. Did he not feel the same? He must not have. They had been together for almost a year. He couldn’t talk about marriage or moving in with her. In fact, the only thing he had said was that he wanted to live with her before they got married. He had told her it was so that she could make sure she wanted to live with him. He wouldn’t even talk much about a future with her come to think of it, it was only right here right now. She watched as her dog cowared down to see what was a piece of trash on the floor. It resembled perhaps... a snake? He growled and wouldn’t approach it until she got out of bed. Walking over to it, she tamed the monstrous snake and her dog captured him. Collapsing back in her her bed, she realized. Maybe the future is his snake. The future is the scariest thing possible, the unknown. That’s why she had never wanted to be married previously. When her cousin had passed away, years to follow loosing family members and friends, she wasn’t able to see the future. She lived and still does for the most part, in the now. That’s why she didn’t last with her ex. The ex. He wanted to plan their future, not focusing on their relationship in the moment. Not realizing she needed more from him to plan the future. Maybe that’s why her current boyfriend couldn’t see or want to plan the future with her. Maybe he needed more from her, maybe she just wasn’t enough for him. Feeling her eyes become heavy, she drifted back to sleep.

Staring at myself, I see me.

Quite obvious, I know.

One should see oneself when staring in to the mirror.

As I see myself, I’m not sure if I am who I see.

I see a girl, a girl who used to be thin, frail even.

Back then, I thought I looked the way I do now.

5’5, 210 pounds.

I’m like... a jr. whopper.

Short, and chubby.

Back then, I was 5’5, 118 pounds.

I thought I was the heaviest, ugliest creature.

Peoples harsh comments never helped. I started to gain weight, not much.

I was 5’5 125 pounds. A healthy size. My aunt didn’t think so.

She expressed to a stranger I had just met, she’s just put on some weight.

She got a gym pass though, maybe she’ll lose it.

5’5, 210 pounds. I’m confused honestly.

I see my belly overhang just a bit, I don’t feel like I look huge. Then I see pictures of myself.

When I see pictures of myself I see someone I haven’t seen until that moment. I’m fat.

Point blank.

I may joke, and have fun with myself.

I may joke... even to myself.

But I’m fat. Junior whopper? Probably just the full size.

My stretch marks line the bottom of my belly like road maps.

They proceed to etch the scene in between my thighs, my hips, and even the tops of my breasts.

I look in the mirror, and I don’t see the girl in the photographs, but I don’t see things that I like.

I don’t see things I want to see.

People say, then change it.

That’s very difficult to do.

As I’m a perfectionist, and I’m used to instant gratification.

When I don’t see results, I do the opposite, I eat. I eat sweets, and bread, and cheese, and pasta. It’s a never ending cycle.

I just. I don’t know anymore.

Put a bra on

Why don’t you put a little makeup on your face

You need to wear red lipstick

Dont chase him, let him chase you

Don’t ignore him

Don’t be so available for him, tell him you have plans

Why aren’t you hanging out with him? If you never see him he won’t want you

Make sure he has goals, you need them too.

He isn’t in school? Anyone not going to school won’t have anything to fall back on when their dreams run dry.

Build yourself to not have to rely on a man ever.

He needs to pay for dinner.

That dress is to long, that one is to high.

A lady always wears heels or flats.

You’re full of soup.

Why are you stressed?

Oh botherdash

Many times, I wondered what I could have done differently.

I wondered what I had done wrong.

I wondered what I could do to turn it around.

Many times, I thought about running to you.

I thought about going to you in person.

I thought about being there with you- what would you say then?

I have always wondered if you were testing me.

I wondered if you wanted me to come to you.

I wondered if you wanted to see how far I would go.

While doing this, I reminded myself I’m worth more.

I’m worth more than your trials

I’m worth more than your games

I’m worth more than you ever gave to me

I still have to remind myself that I’m worth more

I still have nights where this is so difficult

I still have days that I can’t stand by myself

So, to you, I’m still sorry

I’m sorry I couldn’t stand by you when times got rough

I’m sorry I made you feel like I was always bullying you

I’m sorry you felt alone

I never wanted you to feel anything but loved

I never wanted you to feel anything but my love

I never wanted you to feel all darkness, with no stars

I always tried to make you feel appreciated

I always tried to make you feel wanted

I always tried to make you feel like... you weren’t alone.

While part of me knows that you should have been there for me the way I was there for you, I still love you.

I still love you

I’m still sorry

But while I feel this way,

I still feel you should have treated me better

I still feel you shouldn’t have left me in my darkest hour

I still feel, more than anything, you chose yourself in the end.

Which is fine,

In the end, you should choose yourself

Take care of yourself

And always love yourself

But

You should never have blamed my happiness

You should never have told me you were leaving because I wasn’t happy

Then, turn and say that I put you down to much.

I “bashed” you

But

I know neither reason was true, you were only looking for a way out.

So many people questioned you being gay

I don’t care if you’re gay.

I just wanted the real reason.

I wanted the honest reason.

I feel like you were overwhelmed

I feel like you pulled a ring to fast

I feel like.. I feel like it was both of our faults, but

I feel like you were offended that I wasn’t ready to move in with you

I wasn’t ready to jump up and down about marrying you

I wasn’t ready to move away from everyone and everything I knew to be next to you.

I feel like I offended you

When I was ready, it was to late

You had already started distancing yourself

You had already started spending more time with your friends

You had already stopped talking to me.

To this thought, I’m sorry if I offended you

However, you left me.

You left me when both of my dogs died.

You left me right after my childhood friend wrecked and passed away

You left me when I couldn’t stand on my own feet.

You left when there were no stars, complete darkness.

So, I’m sorry if I offended you. I’m sorry I brought your coldness out. I’m sorry you couldn’t get over our past and accept I wanted you— day in and day out. I’m sorry I wasn’t ready.

But if that’s the reason you left, then I’m glad.

I’m glad I didn’t move in with you

I’m glad I didn’t marry you

I’m glad I didn’t change my life for someone who couldn’t shelter me when times grew tough

I’m glad I didn’t change my life for someone who didn’t appreciate that I wasn’t ready.

I’m glad I didn’t run to you, when In the end you didn’t catch me when I fell.

I scraped my knees in dried blood from our past as you slammed the door shut in my face.

It’s okay. I know you didn’t understand that. You never understood metaphors.