Just-the-way-it-is

Sometimes I wonder if we are the orcs of middle earth when Frodo failed and some are the ones who realized we used to be elves but really we are all just orcs.

I use to happily sit and watch tv, everything I did at least felt like it was something good. Now it all feels like effort, even watching tv seems like effort, there is no happily that goes along and I'm not sure what happened

Why doesn't he want me? What happened? Why am I blaming myself?

Tired of feeling like I'm stuck in a hole with no ladder, sometimes I get a grip and start to climb but I feel like I keep falling right back where I was

I hate thinking like I could end up back there, but at the same time I'm worried that it might happen.

How can I be so conflicted about it all? On one hand I want to be with him so bad, but on the other I want to sit and cry because I'm afraid I will get left where I was before, alone and always wanting more and not getting it.

Why is there no one who I can fully explain this to? Maybe I don't even know what it is myself? Or maybe I am too afraid to admit that I hate it? Or maybe I am just to afraid to start all over again?

Sometimes I just wish he understood what I was saying or that he understood how I was feeling without me having to say it out loud

I want someone who gets me. Not someone who thinks they know all about surface me, but someone who gets everything about me and keeps digging until they do. Someone who I trust to do that. Where do I find one of those?