Questionable System

The Release of the (Pro/Endo) Golden Goose

I hope everyone from all sides will give this important, heartfelt post a read.

It's likely something you'll want to be aware of if you have a vested interest in syscourse and the validity of endogenic systems. Please give this a chance.

It's been almost three years since I started my blogs. Wow. I've been on tumblr a hell of a lot longer, but I really wasn't involved in the system community. I started out firm and loud. I probably inadvertently fakeclaimed (I went into this with the rule that I would NOT directly tell anyone they were faking, it was a boundary that I knew would ruin me socially if I crossed it, but I'm sure I probably did without meaning to), I name called and made fun of people and things. I was disrespectful to people. I invaded tags to get my message out there, though I was quick to stop once I realized I was making the tags unusable for the community I claimed to want to protect.

I learned very quickly what was appropriate and what wasn't, what I could get away with and what I couldn't. It started to become a numbers game, influenced by the risk of the post.

I made a lot of friends and a lot of enemies, and I amassed a following of over 2k. More people have come and gone from my little community than I ever thought possible. People made fanart of me, and I cherish those so deeply. I have over 300 asks because I struggle to delete the ones thanking me.

And the more I was thanked, the nicer I got, the more thanks, the nicer I got, rinse and repeat until I had trouble NOT empathizing with pro/endos. The more I was willing to listen, the more legitimate sources I came across that disproved my original ideas about consciousness. The people sharing the sources were more respectful than I thought they'd be. Things were starting to look a bit cloudy.

I talked to my colleagues about how they, as therapists, would handle some of these endos in their practice, and while their belief in the concept varied, kindness and attempts to understand was the consistent answer. When had I lost that kindness and understanding that had driven me to that field to begin with?

Colleagues, yes. For those who don't know, I have a degree in social services and counselling (plus three other degrees). It's why the current situation with the antis turning on me is so funny. I still can't get into the mindset of some of these new anti endos, I just can't imagine justifying that level of cruelty. I had lines that I wouldn't cross, and I didn't think people could be worse than me.

... That might have been a trauma thing, looking back on it.

So I got desperate.

I spoke to the actual doctors who wrote some of these papers all of us are quoting. Everyone was arguing the meaning of the words, so I went directly to the source.

Dr Colin Ross, who wrote about endogenous multiplicity in the 80s. I told him everything-- about plurals, non-traumagenic systems, syscourse, what was being debated, how I and others interpreted his words, and what I wanted to learn.

Was plurality only trauma based?

And back and forth and back and forth we went, with me asking over and over again in different ways, NEEDING to hear that it was.

But I never got that answer. He meant what he meant. He said what he said and he meant it.

That plurality was not only found in the aftermath of trauma.

And I said nothing to anyone because I couldn't reconcile it.

Don't try to read between the lines, I assure you, there isn't some hidden meaning to be found there. I can't share all of the messages because some contained personal information, but my final response will tell you all you need to know.

(It did NOT, in fact, make sense, and it took me three years to "rethink my paper" that endogenic plurality wasn't possible, I did not win that conversation, it was a dying stance that was not supported)

I've been accused of paying too much attention to my follower count, but I can't really help it. It's really scary when you make a post and see a sizeable drop. It means a lot of different things. My posts have less reach and support. I've upset people. I've done something wrong. My community is leaving me.

I'm in a weird spot, where I'm blocked by so much of the pro/endo community that I have nothing to join, and the anti endo community, who I still wholeheartedly support, continues to leave me for -checks smudged writing on hand- being too nice??

Misinformation about DID is a massive problem, and it's why I still consider myself anti endo and support that community. I relate to them in such a way that I'll always gravitate to and empathize with them.

Or at least, that's what I thought.

At this point, though, how can I not be pro/endo when Colin fucking Ross says it's possible?

I've already written about how I'm really struggling with these labels, and I love the people that have stuck around while I struggle to figure this out.

I hurt when I see the people that once supported me leave.

My (online) world is shrinking. Literally.

That's scary.

When you've watched so many turn away, you start to wonder, with every post, where is the line where the rest are going to leave? Is it this post?

I just want to be me, us, we want to laugh at the stupid crap people say, system or not, I want to talk about my disorder, I want to combat misinformation, I want to have productive, fun conversations about ideas and concepts with people who disagree and have different interpretations. I want to play devil's advocate and get people thinking. I want to be able to comment positivity and kindness on any post I see, I want to feel comfortable talking to more people about their ideas. I sympathize with anti endos, I relate to CDD systems, I still firmly believe that CDDs and plurality are different, unrelated concepts.

My priority will always and forever be the CDD community first and foremost.

However, I am a hypocrite. I have gone straight to the horse's mouth and failed. I've seen so much research that I finally get it. I'm grappling with holding on to this conversation with Dr Ross, wondering what harm I could have prevented if I'd gone public with these emails earlier.

Since when has being open to change been a bad thing?

Since when has showing respect to lived experiences been a bad thing?

What am I? What label describes this?

How do I go forward from here?

What are you going to do with this information?

Men can be lesbians because words don't have rules.

Hope this helps!

Many transmen were lesbians before their egg cracked or before they came out. You seriously gonna tell him he can't use a comfy word because you want to enforce arbitrary language rules?

Do not tell people to kill themselves. I don't care if you're the most well-meaning human out there, do not tell anyone to commit suicide.

You're talking to other human beings.

Yes. I understand that there are nice anti-endos out there. Great, I'm glad, but I'm not talking about them. We are talking about the anti-endogenics who've straight up just stopped seeing "endos" as people worthy of any ounce of respect.

Tw for suicide bait and death threats.

It's almost like a group of angry people held together by hate is destined to fall apart!

Do you happen to know what caused this anyway? I know there was a disagreement of some sort with one of the users, people accused them of lying about something, and then they either left or got banned. Then another got mad about that situation and left.

But the mods there seem to be tight-lipped about the actual situation. At least from what I found.

I'd love to take credit for this, but really, every single mod of r/systemscringe ultimately grew to hate the place and left it. I'm not surprised to see the servers going down a similar route. Whatever friendships and bonds people think they've formed in that hate group are fleeting.

We have safe for work Radically Inclusive Discord for plurals, therians, and transIDs!

We also do RPs and writing. PM for a link.

people with DID unlock the secret fifth one: Forget

And that's realising that no one could stop me from being them. I don't need someone to let me, or tell me I'm allowed to be this way. I could just..be. I could accept what I am and do the things that I wanted or needed to do with that

Like a cat whose brought into a new home, cowering in the safety of the cage I've been placed inside, slowly sniffing at the open bars, dipping my toe beans onto the carpet to make sure the floor isn't covered in cucumbers, and accepting that the only thing keeping me inside my cage is me.

And to my poor traumatised mind this was still terrifying, because any moment now I'm gonna get caught and hit with a broom or sprayed in the face with water for ever daring to think I have agency. It would be my fault if I did, I know the rules

1) Only be what others expect you to be

2) Shut the fuck up and never complain

3) jhffyjbdsghitfbjiesvswtikvfehhddbye (this rule will never be explained to you but you WILL be punished harshly for breaking it. See rule 2)

When I realised that I could just take HRT if I wanted to, on my terms, and be in full control of my dosing and regimen. I could change my name and dress how I want and use whatever pronouns I want.

When I realised that I could actually listen to the voices in my head, get to know the parts of myself I'd kept hidden and let them come forward to experience the world. I could go by more than one name and use multiple pronouns.

Both of these felt like faking. Like I was doing it on purpose. And that's because not repressing required active effort, I had to make a decision to do this, and making decisions for myself wasn't allowed. Now the cats out of the cage though, good luck trying to shove it back inside.

Systemscringe and fakeclaimers and staunch anti-endos aren't mad that you exist, they're mad that you let yourself out of your cage, that you're visible, that you take up space for yourself. "A REAL system doesn't talk about their experiences publicly. A REAL system doesn't feel proud of who they are. A REAL system stays hidden and tries to blend in at all costs. A REAL system doesn't break Rule 3"

DID: where you literally can give your inner child a gun

This will not affect me or most people on Tumblr, but I am deeply concerned it could be used to encourage further harassment of people like Aimkid who express being pro-endo publicly, putting a target on their backs for standing up against hate and bigotry.

Additionally, I do want to highlight their fourth criteria, because r/systemscringe has recently taken a hard stance against RAMCOA survivors, pushing a narrative that this type of abuse doesn't exist, and that anyone who claims to have experienced this abuse have been "groomed" into believing this. Further in the post, they make this stance clear.

Their hate sub has now gone all out pushing False Memory Foundation talking points and gaslighting trauma survivors into disbelieving their own memories.

Just to reiterate, I'm not a public figure. I have a measly 1800 followers. I don't meet the proposed criteria to be posted uncensored. Sorry, u/Environmental_Use121, but you still are going to need to censor my name for the time being if you post screenshot of me to your hatesub.