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and if I liveblogged rcbg 33 chat......................................................................................what then
Chapter 33 - Rashmi, I'm living on a prayer here,
gonna do this one here as well because it's easier than blueing 5 million skies right now
okay spoilers for 33 below let's give it up for part 1 of pov 1 everypony
part 2 of pov 1 i.e. In Which Tumblr User Helsinore Rambles Instead Of Properly Liveblogging
Last time on Dragonboob Z (cups)--- "I tilt my head to the side. My hands shake. “With that attitude? Yes.”
That wasn’t what she wanted to hear, clearly. Kathy’s expression is desperate, pleading.
“Rashmi, please don’t—I wish to do better, I truly do! But if my efforts are not bearing fruit, and if I must do it all alone, then—”" Okay yeah see This is what I mean. Like. Rashmi doesn't center Kathy's feelings in this moment and is like "okay yeah you know what fuck it sure you're doomed" and Kathy immediately tries to backwheel and it's like Kathy you are not in a place to ask for support right now you just hatecrimed that woman's fiancee after betraying her during the Nichole Intervention and deciding she was Not To Be Trusted because of one past infarction that Nichole also committed except Rashmi apologized to you.....................let us be so serious. Honestly it does remind me of this early part in Estro Junkies where (spoilers but like not super huge spoilers but y'know) Ru and Mona have their Conversation and Ru doesn't center Mona's white woman feelings about how Terrible the meeting (where the GSA was dogshit to Tahani and Ru and especially Tahani) went and Mona keeps upping how many tears she's producing from her eyes until some part of her subconscious realizes that she can't cry a river to win here so she starts just saying blatantly awful shit instead. Like, "if my efforts are not bearing fruit, and if I must do it all alone, then--" I'm not even speaking from a high horse I'm not going to begin to pretend like I am a morally pure human being, chat. I am not that man I am not the guy who has never lost his shit so expediently, I am not immune to the crashing of out, I am so painfully just some dude online. I am not holier than thou, I am thee. Or whatever. I'm not the bible either. But like.....I understand that it would be a struggle to deal with this alone. I understand that it would suck ass to have to confront your failings, your internal ugliness, your own cruelty, all alone, and reckon with the fact that you are a bad person who sucked ass.
.....................but you have to. Like, fundamentally, you just have to. You can't ask the people you harmed to tell you you were secretly good and justified all along. You can't ask them to hold your hand and teach you how to be a better person. Kathy rejected Rashmi attempting to help her originally. Kathy decided pre-Nichole Intervention that Rashmi was to be discarded of, that Nichole was The One, and then Kathy made good on that and adamantly betrayed Rashmi during the Nichole Intervention, not giving two shits about what Nichole did to Rupali (who is a deeply important person in Rashmi's life!). Rashmi was worried sick for Kathy's wellbeing and Ru tried very gently to talk to Kathy, to intervene, and Kathy reacted by screaming and attacking her. And now Kathy is acting for Rashmi to make her feel better. To prove to Kathy that Rashmi will be there for her no matter what horrid shit that Kathy does, to prove herself to Kathy. Like, that's what this is. I don't know if I'm describing this very clearly but like -- Kathy is putting pressure on Rashmi here to caretake her and support her No Matter What. And that's.....not okay. That's abusive. And that's the thing about relationships like these. Like. You can really love someone. But you can't stand with them forever. You can't put yourself at risk and your other loved ones at risk -- like, if Rashmi was like 'yeah Kathy, you actually have a true hero's heart deep down'.......Rashmi is out here betraying Rupali, whom Kathy harmed. Rashmi is betraying herself, by staying in this relationship/attempting to caretake a woman who actively was the aggressor in this situation. Like....it's just not fair. And it sucks Kathy is going through it, and that Kathy is sad, but Kathy hurt Ru/Rashmi. Kathy hurt people. Kathy was racist. She cannot ask those same people to help her and hold her hand. That's cruel. You have to pull yourself up by your bootstraps, Katherine. You cannot ask the brown women you harm to mommy you out of this one. wow holy shit that was so much i hit the damn word limit okay. cool.
part 3 of pov 1
"“Whose fault is it if you have to do it all alone?” My voice trembles, and my vision swims. “Is it mine, Kathy? Is that what you think?”
“N-no.”
“Good.” I blink back the tears. Not now. Not in front of her. She’s not fucking worth a single drop. “Ru certainly won’t make the mistake of giving a shit again, after how you blew up at her. But I guess I’m fucking cursed or something, because I still do. Despite everything you did.”" again: shoutout Rashmi for being on the money here. Like. No, it's not Rashmi's fault. Kathy's words are putting the fault on Rashmi, implicitly, but Rashmi is not caving. That's good. That's important. Rashmi deserves to protect herself. And you can see how clearly this breaks Rashmi. Like. This is a woman she really cared about. Like, god, this really is how it feels when you have to break up with someone who you realize doesn't actually care about you, or like....not enough to change. Like. holy shit. "Kathy goes back to avoiding my gaze. She nods. “I’m—I appreciate that you have not yet terminated our friendship, Rashmi.”
“Our what?” She’s unbelievable. “Do you seriously think we’re friends right now, Katherine?”
Katherine looks stunned. What’s left of her mascara is running again. “Are you saying we are not?”"
White People.................................................................................................. take a shot every time i say "white people" but it's real white people hours again. Like I just. The complete dehumanization of Rupali. Katherine has dehumanized Rupali since encounter one where she commented on Ru's big boobalicious boobs and how she breasts boobily and it's like actually racism misogyny is not funny bbgirl. And then it's continued. Like. Kathy doesn't give a shitting fuck about what Nichole did to hurt Ru. Kathy literally screamed at this woman, said weird horrible racist shit at her, and threw orange soda at her. Like. She hatecrimed Ru. Someone who is very, very important to Rashmi. And she knows this. And she's jealous, and she's made up a Rupali in her head to get mad at, one who has those Boobalicious Desi Curves and who is Fated By The Arranged Marriage Star Signs To Marry Exotically Her Soulmate Rashmi. Like. It's so gross and orientalist and horrible it's like she walked off the set from Get Out or something like........the reason she thinks her and Rashmi are still friends is because Rupali is not a real human person to Kathy. Deadass. "Breathe. I run my hands through my hair, and try to keep my voice even. “Okay. Let me ask you something. Katherine. Can you tell me, plainly, why I’m so pissed at you?”
Kathy doesn’t reply." oh my fucking god. oh my fucking god. oh my fuc-- "I can’t take it anymore. I let out a scream of pure frustration and anguish. “Why the hell did you stop me from leaving if you won’t even fucking admit it?!”" VALID TO SCREAM. VALID. "“Because it hurts.”
Pounding blood, racing heart, ragged breaths, streaming eyes—it all stops at once. It’s like a cacophony in my head has been silenced. I blink and lower my hands. Katherine is hunched over, hugging herself, rubbing her shoulders. Sobbing softly.
“What hurts?” I ask, my voice much smaller. "
God you can tell that "it hurts" hit rashmi like a psychic knife. Also the way kathy is like. shaking crying so sad or whatever and it's like. yeah okay people can't exactly control their emotional responses but what fucks with me so bad is that even in this encounter where kathy is allegedly going to apologize to rashmi. rashmi got fucking tone policed. rashmi is out here holding back her tears because she doesn't want to cry in front of the girl who hurt her fiancee (and her). rashmi is seeing kathy make herself all small and pathetic and it's like.........how is that fair. how is that ever fair. it's like.......it's the type of shit that makes you not even feel like a person. (it's the power of uwu sad white woman) "“Admitting it.” Katherine sniffles loudly. “Admitting that we were more than friends.”
Her turn to leave me speechless, I guess. I really don’t know what to say. I stare at my own feet. Numb.
She admitted what I wanted her to admit, and I feel nothing." girl......................................... I mean I would feel nothing too girl I feel like it's kind of crazy that she's crashing the fuck out about "what do you mean we aren't friends" and "oh god it hurt ME so bad that i was INTO YOU" when like she abandoned you. she abandoned you. she betrayed you. she attacked your fiancee. she admits it, but it's like........"it hurts me to admit we were more than friends" it feels like you're treating her like your dirty little secret, kathy, it's like.....a complete centering of kathy feelings and no consideration for rashmi as a human being. Which, damn. I did think perhaps Kathy could grow, but she did not grow hard enough. This is the final nail in the final coffin. God fucking damn. I mean I guess I was putting too much hope in her because she was juuuuust learning that maybe she should, like, not expect her desi roommate to do unpaid labor lmfao. "Katherine turns around, facing away from me. “I know that Rupali did not steal you from me. I know that Rupali bears me no ill will, and that she did nothing to provoke me. But I have been trying, desperately, to avoid confronting what we were and what I did, because that would mean acknowledging that…”
She trails off, but I’m not letting her get away with that. “Acknowledging what, Kathy?”
Kathy stops rubbing her shoulders. Her back straightens. “Acknowledging that I threw away our relationship for no good reason.”" Ah. So she admits it. Idk girl it's like okay good. you said it. you said exactly what I fuckin thought. But you knew that. You knew all of that. And you still attacked a girl who wanted to do nothing but help you. You committed to the bit. You still had agency, Kathy. ....I don't even know if she fully understands that she really did throw away their relationship for no good reason or if she's just saying what she thinks Rashmi wants to hear because Katherine has been spiralling for 3980984934 words about how she feels Super Mega Abandoned by Rashmi. "My hands close into fists. “Tell me why. Give me a fucking reason, Kathy. Make it make sense.”
“I cannot make it make sense.”
I grab her shoulder and whirl her around. Her face is completely blank.
“I know that,” I say. “I know that your rationale is going to be stupid, and nonsensical, and contradictory, and maddening. But you have a rationale. You had reasons for doing this, and they made sense to you, even if they were bad reasons. So tell me the reasons, Katherine. I want to hear it. I want to hear why you broke my heart.”" Again very realistic depiction of like end of a toxic/abusive relationship because like. When you still care very deeply about that person, despite knowing how much harm they caused, what you want to know is like -- why. Why did you become this way. What the fuck happened. Why. Why. Why. And it's like. There's not really a good answer or one that will ever justify it, really. Like. There is no good reason. I know Rashmi is clinging to straws at this point, because this is like -- insanity inducing, but like....it's so kathover, I fear. There's no good reason. She didn't see you as a person. She certainly didn't see Rupali as a person. "“Fine.”
She’s doing the thing again. Going from someone who obviously, undeniably cares about me to this frosty, cold, unfeeling exterior that runs away from me every chance she gets. But at least she’s willing to spit it out now."
squints. Kathy switch moment perchance...? (to be clear you cannot blame your racist alter for racism that alter is still also you.) "“Great.” I fold my arms. “I do have to salvage a relationship that actually matters, though, so I don’t have all night. Make it quick.”
“As you wish.” Katherine adjusts her headband and brushes her hair out of her face. “I did not believe you would actually want me.”
That’s it. I wait a few seconds, expecting more, but Katherine remains silent.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” I throw my hands up. “You didn’t believe I’d want you? Is this your idea of a joke?”" i think i would genuinely crash the fuck out. also why the fuck is the burden on rashmi according to kathy's reasoning of things. like. rashmi is always the one who has taken initiative actually. rashmi is the one who made sure kathy ate when kathy was going through it. rashmi doing chores ended up being why kathy did chores. like. oh my fucking god. like. have we considered rashmi, too, might in fact have some insecurities, kathy? have we considered????????????????????? i get being insecure but there really is a point at which kathy makes up a rashmi and rupali in her head to get upset at and project all her insanities onto and like she literally admits with her own mouth earlier that she did this shit for no good reason and its like. so true kathy you really did all that shit because you had fucked up ideas about relationships and you're racist and you consistently gave into your most toxic impulses which include racism and you tripled down and now you expect to be little white girl exonerated about it with the implicit threat of "wahhhh if you don't center me how will I ever learn I can improve as a person" okay who is doing this for the (T)WOC. be honest. ...wow okay gonna hit reblog this is long why is this so long. lol.
part 4 of pov 1
"“Hardly,” Katherine says. “You have a lifelong bond with Rupali before which my own mutual fixation with Nichole pales. Rupali is buxom, beautiful, kind, virtuous, and a maestro of orgasm control lesbian erotica. She is everything a woman could want or need. If you have Rupali, why would you ever bother with ponderous, dull, bothersome, rail-thin Kathy? How could the two possibly compare? How could Kathy possibly live up to that standard? There was never a chance, Rashmi. So I saved us both the grief.”" *slowly lighting up a cigarette* where the fuck do i even begin with this oh my god honestly I think I'm just going to point at the bit in early Estro Junkies (spoilers, but I believe this is in the free preview chapters) where Mona is like "boohoo Rashmi would never want me, I'm a pale alabaster square I'm ugly, compared to big boobahed rupali" and it's like .................................. I think your ideas about women of colour are weird, girl. Like. ew. Oh my god. "buxom" make it stop. "beautiful" glad your attraction could turn into hate but come the fuck on. "kind" wish you would've been kind to her when she was trying to be kind to you "virtuous" you treated her like a fucking criminal "a maestro of orgasm control lesbian erotica" i know this links back to their discussion chapters ago where rupali talks about her ao3 but like I'm feeling uncomfortable vibes like "oooooo the brown woman is SO sexually fulfilling and better than me" like ew ew ew ew Kathy don't fucking do that you sound like you walked out of Get Out. "If you have Rupali, why would ever bother with ponderous, dull, bothersome, rail-thin Kathy?" I hate when white women do this so bad, duck. I haaaaaate it. Like. stop. stop talking. stop crashing out about how this brown woman is your ideal. Also you're not oppressed for being thin. Please. Oh my god. Again this is literally shit Mona says in the early preview chapters of EJ. Like. Kathy is not immune to white woman behaviors. ALSO RASHMI IS POLYAMOROUS SHE LITERALLY TOLD YOU SHE COULD BE WITH YOU AND RU. SHE SPENT ALL THIS TIME WITH YOU. YOU COULD HAVE HAD THIS CONVO INSTEAD OF DECIDING TO RETVRN TO YOUR PRECIOUS WHITE BABY NICHOLE WHO YOU EXONERATE AT ALL COSTS. "How could the two possibly compare?" fix your misogyny. like if you want to be monogamous like. okay you didn't need to do all this. but like. this is so like. misogyny and racism crashout ever. oh my god. ranked competitive misogyny. "There was never a chance, Rashmi. So I saved us both the grief.”"" Crazy that you think the two of you are still friends. If you did something even more reckless, would you blame Rashmi for that, too? Is it always her fault? Because you sound so sure about how Rashmi would reject you, implicitly putting the blame on her for not magically loving you enough. Oh yeah: and this shit is still orientalist as fuck. Like "a lifelong bond" YOU MEAN THE TRAUMA BOND? like. ru/rashmi only work because of the amount of effort being put in on both sides to make this shit work. are you kidding me. oh my god. lmao. "My head spins. I shake it and raise a hand to my temple. “I’m sorry, what was that about erotica? What are you even trying to say? That you dumped me because you’re jealous of Ru?”" lmfao yeah basically "“No.” Katherine frowns. “I dumped you, Rashmi, because you would have done it sooner or later if I did not.”" STOP BLAMING RASHMI FOR YOUR CHOICES "you didn't love me right enough," says the white woman who betrayed her, who attacked her fiancee, who keeps demanding to be caretaken of even after being the one to instigate and attack and be a huge jerk. like what the fuck girl. nickathy are perfect for each other because they're "denying her own agency" 4 "denying her own agency" come the fuuuuck on now kathy. god. good Lord, the word Limit.
and if I liveblogged rcbg 33 chat......................................................................................what then
Chapter 33 - Rashmi, I'm living on a prayer here,
gonna do this one here as well because it's easier than blueing 5 million skies right now
okay spoilers for 33 below let's give it up for part 1 of pov 1 everypony
part 2 of pov 1 i.e. In Which Tumblr User Helsinore Rambles Instead Of Properly Liveblogging
Last time on Dragonboob Z (cups)--- "I tilt my head to the side. My hands shake. “With that attitude? Yes.”
That wasn’t what she wanted to hear, clearly. Kathy’s expression is desperate, pleading.
“Rashmi, please don’t—I wish to do better, I truly do! But if my efforts are not bearing fruit, and if I must do it all alone, then—”" Okay yeah see This is what I mean. Like. Rashmi doesn't center Kathy's feelings in this moment and is like "okay yeah you know what fuck it sure you're doomed" and Kathy immediately tries to backwheel and it's like Kathy you are not in a place to ask for support right now you just hatecrimed that woman's fiancee after betraying her during the Nichole Intervention and deciding she was Not To Be Trusted because of one past infarction that Nichole also committed except Rashmi apologized to you.....................let us be so serious. Honestly it does remind me of this early part in Estro Junkies where (spoilers but like not super huge spoilers but y'know) Ru and Mona have their Conversation and Ru doesn't center Mona's white woman feelings about how Terrible the meeting (where the GSA was dogshit to Tahani and Ru and especially Tahani) went and Mona keeps upping how many tears she's producing from her eyes until some part of her subconscious realizes that she can't cry a river to win here so she starts just saying blatantly awful shit instead. Like, "if my efforts are not bearing fruit, and if I must do it all alone, then--" I'm not even speaking from a high horse I'm not going to begin to pretend like I am a morally pure human being, chat. I am not that man I am not the guy who has never lost his shit so expediently, I am not immune to the crashing of out, I am so painfully just some dude online. I am not holier than thou, I am thee. Or whatever. I'm not the bible either. But like.....I understand that it would be a struggle to deal with this alone. I understand that it would suck ass to have to confront your failings, your internal ugliness, your own cruelty, all alone, and reckon with the fact that you are a bad person who sucked ass.
.....................but you have to. Like, fundamentally, you just have to. You can't ask the people you harmed to tell you you were secretly good and justified all along. You can't ask them to hold your hand and teach you how to be a better person. Kathy rejected Rashmi attempting to help her originally. Kathy decided pre-Nichole Intervention that Rashmi was to be discarded of, that Nichole was The One, and then Kathy made good on that and adamantly betrayed Rashmi during the Nichole Intervention, not giving two shits about what Nichole did to Rupali (who is a deeply important person in Rashmi's life!). Rashmi was worried sick for Kathy's wellbeing and Ru tried very gently to talk to Kathy, to intervene, and Kathy reacted by screaming and attacking her. And now Kathy is acting for Rashmi to make her feel better. To prove to Kathy that Rashmi will be there for her no matter what horrid shit that Kathy does, to prove herself to Kathy. Like, that's what this is. I don't know if I'm describing this very clearly but like -- Kathy is putting pressure on Rashmi here to caretake her and support her No Matter What. And that's.....not okay. That's abusive. And that's the thing about relationships like these. Like. You can really love someone. But you can't stand with them forever. You can't put yourself at risk and your other loved ones at risk -- like, if Rashmi was like 'yeah Kathy, you actually have a true hero's heart deep down'.......Rashmi is out here betraying Rupali, whom Kathy harmed. Rashmi is betraying herself, by staying in this relationship/attempting to caretake a woman who actively was the aggressor in this situation. Like....it's just not fair. And it sucks Kathy is going through it, and that Kathy is sad, but Kathy hurt Ru/Rashmi. Kathy hurt people. Kathy was racist. She cannot ask those same people to help her and hold her hand. That's cruel. You have to pull yourself up by your bootstraps, Katherine. You cannot ask the brown women you harm to mommy you out of this one. wow holy shit that was so much i hit the damn word limit okay. cool.
part 3 of pov 1
"“Whose fault is it if you have to do it all alone?” My voice trembles, and my vision swims. “Is it mine, Kathy? Is that what you think?”
“N-no.”
“Good.” I blink back the tears. Not now. Not in front of her. She’s not fucking worth a single drop. “Ru certainly won’t make the mistake of giving a shit again, after how you blew up at her. But I guess I’m fucking cursed or something, because I still do. Despite everything you did.”" again: shoutout Rashmi for being on the money here. Like. No, it's not Rashmi's fault. Kathy's words are putting the fault on Rashmi, implicitly, but Rashmi is not caving. That's good. That's important. Rashmi deserves to protect herself. And you can see how clearly this breaks Rashmi. Like. This is a woman she really cared about. Like, god, this really is how it feels when you have to break up with someone who you realize doesn't actually care about you, or like....not enough to change. Like. holy shit. "Kathy goes back to avoiding my gaze. She nods. “I’m—I appreciate that you have not yet terminated our friendship, Rashmi.”
“Our what?” She’s unbelievable. “Do you seriously think we’re friends right now, Katherine?”
Katherine looks stunned. What’s left of her mascara is running again. “Are you saying we are not?”"
White People.................................................................................................. take a shot every time i say "white people" but it's real white people hours again. Like I just. The complete dehumanization of Rupali. Katherine has dehumanized Rupali since encounter one where she commented on Ru's big boobalicious boobs and how she breasts boobily and it's like actually racism misogyny is not funny bbgirl. And then it's continued. Like. Kathy doesn't give a shitting fuck about what Nichole did to hurt Ru. Kathy literally screamed at this woman, said weird horrible racist shit at her, and threw orange soda at her. Like. She hatecrimed Ru. Someone who is very, very important to Rashmi. And she knows this. And she's jealous, and she's made up a Rupali in her head to get mad at, one who has those Boobalicious Desi Curves and who is Fated By The Arranged Marriage Star Signs To Marry Exotically Her Soulmate Rashmi. Like. It's so gross and orientalist and horrible it's like she walked off the set from Get Out or something like........the reason she thinks her and Rashmi are still friends is because Rupali is not a real human person to Kathy. Deadass. "Breathe. I run my hands through my hair, and try to keep my voice even. “Okay. Let me ask you something. Katherine. Can you tell me, plainly, why I’m so pissed at you?”
Kathy doesn’t reply." oh my fucking god. oh my fucking god. oh my fuc-- "I can’t take it anymore. I let out a scream of pure frustration and anguish. “Why the hell did you stop me from leaving if you won’t even fucking admit it?!”" VALID TO SCREAM. VALID. "“Because it hurts.”
Pounding blood, racing heart, ragged breaths, streaming eyes—it all stops at once. It’s like a cacophony in my head has been silenced. I blink and lower my hands. Katherine is hunched over, hugging herself, rubbing her shoulders. Sobbing softly.
“What hurts?” I ask, my voice much smaller. "
God you can tell that "it hurts" hit rashmi like a psychic knife. Also the way kathy is like. shaking crying so sad or whatever and it's like. yeah okay people can't exactly control their emotional responses but what fucks with me so bad is that even in this encounter where kathy is allegedly going to apologize to rashmi. rashmi got fucking tone policed. rashmi is out here holding back her tears because she doesn't want to cry in front of the girl who hurt her fiancee (and her). rashmi is seeing kathy make herself all small and pathetic and it's like.........how is that fair. how is that ever fair. it's like.......it's the type of shit that makes you not even feel like a person. (it's the power of uwu sad white woman) "“Admitting it.” Katherine sniffles loudly. “Admitting that we were more than friends.”
Her turn to leave me speechless, I guess. I really don’t know what to say. I stare at my own feet. Numb.
She admitted what I wanted her to admit, and I feel nothing." girl......................................... I mean I would feel nothing too girl I feel like it's kind of crazy that she's crashing the fuck out about "what do you mean we aren't friends" and "oh god it hurt ME so bad that i was INTO YOU" when like she abandoned you. she abandoned you. she betrayed you. she attacked your fiancee. she admits it, but it's like........"it hurts me to admit we were more than friends" it feels like you're treating her like your dirty little secret, kathy, it's like.....a complete centering of kathy feelings and no consideration for rashmi as a human being. Which, damn. I did think perhaps Kathy could grow, but she did not grow hard enough. This is the final nail in the final coffin. God fucking damn. I mean I guess I was putting too much hope in her because she was juuuuust learning that maybe she should, like, not expect her desi roommate to do unpaid labor lmfao. "Katherine turns around, facing away from me. “I know that Rupali did not steal you from me. I know that Rupali bears me no ill will, and that she did nothing to provoke me. But I have been trying, desperately, to avoid confronting what we were and what I did, because that would mean acknowledging that…”
She trails off, but I’m not letting her get away with that. “Acknowledging what, Kathy?”
Kathy stops rubbing her shoulders. Her back straightens. “Acknowledging that I threw away our relationship for no good reason.”" Ah. So she admits it. Idk girl it's like okay good. you said it. you said exactly what I fuckin thought. But you knew that. You knew all of that. And you still attacked a girl who wanted to do nothing but help you. You committed to the bit. You still had agency, Kathy. ....I don't even know if she fully understands that she really did throw away their relationship for no good reason or if she's just saying what she thinks Rashmi wants to hear because Katherine has been spiralling for 3980984934 words about how she feels Super Mega Abandoned by Rashmi. "My hands close into fists. “Tell me why. Give me a fucking reason, Kathy. Make it make sense.”
“I cannot make it make sense.”
I grab her shoulder and whirl her around. Her face is completely blank.
“I know that,” I say. “I know that your rationale is going to be stupid, and nonsensical, and contradictory, and maddening. But you have a rationale. You had reasons for doing this, and they made sense to you, even if they were bad reasons. So tell me the reasons, Katherine. I want to hear it. I want to hear why you broke my heart.”" Again very realistic depiction of like end of a toxic/abusive relationship because like. When you still care very deeply about that person, despite knowing how much harm they caused, what you want to know is like -- why. Why did you become this way. What the fuck happened. Why. Why. Why. And it's like. There's not really a good answer or one that will ever justify it, really. Like. There is no good reason. I know Rashmi is clinging to straws at this point, because this is like -- insanity inducing, but like....it's so kathover, I fear. There's no good reason. She didn't see you as a person. She certainly didn't see Rupali as a person. "“Fine.”
She’s doing the thing again. Going from someone who obviously, undeniably cares about me to this frosty, cold, unfeeling exterior that runs away from me every chance she gets. But at least she’s willing to spit it out now."
squints. Kathy switch moment perchance...? (to be clear you cannot blame your racist alter for racism that alter is still also you.) "“Great.” I fold my arms. “I do have to salvage a relationship that actually matters, though, so I don’t have all night. Make it quick.”
“As you wish.” Katherine adjusts her headband and brushes her hair out of her face. “I did not believe you would actually want me.”
That’s it. I wait a few seconds, expecting more, but Katherine remains silent.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” I throw my hands up. “You didn’t believe I’d want you? Is this your idea of a joke?”" i think i would genuinely crash the fuck out. also why the fuck is the burden on rashmi according to kathy's reasoning of things. like. rashmi is always the one who has taken initiative actually. rashmi is the one who made sure kathy ate when kathy was going through it. rashmi doing chores ended up being why kathy did chores. like. oh my fucking god. like. have we considered rashmi, too, might in fact have some insecurities, kathy? have we considered????????????????????? i get being insecure but there really is a point at which kathy makes up a rashmi and rupali in her head to get upset at and project all her insanities onto and like she literally admits with her own mouth earlier that she did this shit for no good reason and its like. so true kathy you really did all that shit because you had fucked up ideas about relationships and you're racist and you consistently gave into your most toxic impulses which include racism and you tripled down and now you expect to be little white girl exonerated about it with the implicit threat of "wahhhh if you don't center me how will I ever learn I can improve as a person" okay who is doing this for the (T)WOC. be honest. ...wow okay gonna hit reblog this is long why is this so long. lol.
and if I liveblogged rcbg 33 chat......................................................................................what then
One of my funniest interactions with medical personnel was when I went for an ADHD assessment around 3 years on HRT, and the specialist said "Gender incongruence? So you want to be a man?"
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There's straight up no such thing as an apolitical fandom space btw, there are participants in fandom who are privileged enough to not notice the politics, and there are people who, if they speak up about bad experiences in fandom, are Making It Political.
There's a choice being made when saying you want a space where people can escape from political issues and just have fun, which is between the following options:
Address the issues that prevent particularly vulnerable, marginalized people from joining the fun
Silence the ones who bring up the issues, contribute to the barriers that prevent them from participating in the fun, and squeeze them out of the space
There's a wrong choice here. It's made way too often by people who claim to be progressive.
okay estro junkies liveblog. two pages in and the way nicky described chutney made me want to pass out /pos
mona intro actually genuinely scared me a little. she's liek a regina george twink
kathy narration literally is Like That right off the bat. i can't believe they made light yagami for women
great news this bit still brings me to tears
“I’ve been reading up a lot on your culture and customs, Kyle!” Jeffrey chirps, like he’s thought of a completely novel way to try and make conversation with me. “The festivals, the poojas, the temple rituals, they’re all so beautiful and spiritually meaningful! You have such a beautiful history.” “You know I’m Christian, right?”
every time rashmi is on page my vision turns an enamored pink btw
MONA RACISM?
I think rcbg and estro junkies is the first time i've really related to and understood. People in fandom going batshit over characters and doing the literary analysis, but uhm yeah I'm gnawing on wood or whatever the saying is. I think I get it. I just finished EJ and I wanna print it out and read it again with a pen highlighter and notepad and write a mediocre highschool rapport on it.
Well, there's physical copies available...
I guess I knew that, but kinda forgot in the heat of the moment.
Book arrived. Time to take a shot at it
In a world where pundits were expected to be self-consistent, doing "trans people are just autistic and confused" and "autism isn't real" at the same time would really result in some loss of perceived legitimacy and like. Reduced access to a platform
So chapter 15 is a knife? Designed for my HEART?
:DDD
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okay so this is not my lane (am not Black) but i think we should show our Black trans siblings especially our Black trans sisters out here some extra care when they are dealing with the dysphoria worms, because *all* Black folks are already in the antiblackness mines fighting the degendering demons. Like you got cis Black women out here getting their gender deleted by antiblackness (Black female olympic athletes getting transvestigated, Black women being expected to perform femininity at a higher standard in order to be perceived as feminine at all, just like….the dehumanization of it all), trans Black women are in the fucking trenches my ducks.
Estro Junkies re-read live blog 2
Gonna be much fewer direct quotes than the last one and try to distil things down to the wider themes of the chapter. With the occasional bravo for witty prose
Pov 1 - The Nichole
You know those acting aus people make where the piece of media is a movie within the au and all the characters are acting playing the characters? And then they'll do like funny actor interactions?
We need one of these for RCBG where all the girls are played by older out trans women who are having a lot of fun pretending to be younger and closeted and repressed. Give me rupali's actress cracking up because Rashmi is making a stupid face during a serious take bloopers. Give me Katherine's actress making up crazy lies about the movie in the press circle Robert pattinson style. I wanna see Tahani and Laura's actress doing each other's makeup in the dressing room running their lines. I think it'd be fun
Doesn't this kind of AU usually happen to stories that are too painful to imagine actual happy endings for---oh
Melvin RCBG fan art
That sure is Melvin!
I feel like bigotry is so normalized that people will inadvertently say genuinely strange and awful things, and because these things don't go against the grain and they're phrased "politely" (and are usually -- but not always -- out of white mouths) you'll see..........basically no push back. It's treated as a joke, or something that should be glossed over. But then something is pointed out, and suddenly the pointer outer becomes treated as a sort of complicit aggressor in the situation for speaking out. The fact that you have to be God's most articulate orator who is ever polite and ever patient, the fact that you had to be the one to shoulder the burden of saying something at all instead of it being immediately rectified, the fact that the pattern repeats.....I don't know, it's the kind of shit that genuinely breaks the spirit a little bit. The prioritization of "politeness" but the "politeness" holds no kindness; the "politeness" centers certain people's feelings. The "rudeness" comes from a place of genuine righteousness, but it's treated as if it's more of a problem, because direct phrasing offends sensibilities. The way that you can never lose patience, especially if you are perceived as racialized -- hell, the way that when you are racialized, it is always on you to be the one who speaks up and explains. Why do I have to perform for you while you and your saltine flavored peers slobber at the table, reckless and unthinking, considering yourselves the ultra civilized and beneficent while I stand alone except for my fellow outcasts, forced to perfectly fold the napkins lest I be accused of being lesser, unstable, unkind? You people are throwing mash potatoes. I'm just stuck cleaning up the mess. I'll need to probably write a post that untangles my thoughts and sections them off better, if I feel up to trying to disentangle my feelings better, later. But I think self-examination stays woefully lacking.
A lot of this is the crux of Sara Ahmed's work on how disruption of bigoted norms are treated as more troubling than the norms.
I got to speak to her at a panel she gave in my town and asked her well what can we do? If working within a system doesn't affect change, because an institution will protect itself first and foremost, and disrupting makes them close ranks harder or even actively work against you, is there a balance? Or does it become fruitless? And her answer was to do everything you can to find others that have been silenced. Because official processes that get things done "the right way" be they official complaints, going to HR, or even discord mod tickets, are all there to isolate you against the institution. It's back stage. People can't see it which means they can't stand with you.
So if you ever feel like "why do I have to be the one? Why is it me against the world?" The chances are you aren't the only one, someone else has been "dealt with through the proper channels" and felt silenced. And working together will not only make it easier on you all but make things harder to sweep under the rug
I guess I wish there was wisdom to be dispensed for in-the-moment type situations. (Probably there is; I just haven't googled it yet.) Like, ime, it's not just "I went to [whoever is supposed to be moderating the space] and they were like 'uhhhhh sowwy'" it's also in the moment, there's this shift -- where the person calling out the aggression is suddenly made into the aggressor, because they're the only one who's responded to [insert bigotry, usually racism] with the proper amount of "what the fuck," and then all of a sudden because they broke the 'tone' they are swooped in on, and no one else says anything. I feel like in a group situation, if more people were willing to -- I guess put it bluntly, be race traitors, at least a little bit -- then situations like these wouldn't go the way they do. If you can correct the culture in the moment, if you have enough people go, "yeah, what the fuck actually," you shift the culture of the space. It forces the situation to go differently, it teaches people that this shit won't be tolerated, and it protects the more marginalized people getting shafted. Like...please for the love of God call people out in the moment for being heinous in a liberal racism (and liberal any bigotry way, but in particular racism) way, please don't wait for the people of color in the room to be the ones to say something first (when the people of color have been gaslight all their lives into immense amounts of self doubt), please be direct and forward and stand up. It's not just authority, though that's certainly part of it. It's also all the people who stand there and say nothing, or wait until the Pee Oh Cee coughs first. Which, the Pee Oh Cee has been taught all their life that they must immediately explain their existence in as tolerable way as possible, and that they must accept any treatment, even if it's genuinely dehumanizing, just because the other person is "nice" and not calling them slurs. Like, if someone else could shoulder the burden a little bit, that would be great, thanks. I would like people to please stand up.
Yeah I feel you. I guess what I'm getting at is the inaction, the waiting for someone to step up first, can come from a place of having tried to stand up before and being shut down for it because they were on their own against a consensus. So when they see consensus yet again going in a particular direction they feel disempowered. And this goes for groups sharing demographics as well as between people from different demographics.
So one of the solutions proposed is having networks where people can go "are you fucking seeing this shit?" "Omg yes thank fuck I thought I was the only one" so they don't feel alone, they can't be gaslit, and the burden doesn't have to fall on one person to be the first. Things can be organised better with plans of attack, and strengthen their will to stand up knowing that others have their back. It's exactly to share that burden so you don't feel like you're the only one shouldering it. Not to be more polite, but more effective disruptors that can't be ignored and shut down
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I feel like bigotry is so normalized that people will inadvertently say genuinely strange and awful things, and because these things don't go against the grain and they're phrased "politely" (and are usually -- but not always -- out of white mouths) you'll see..........basically no push back. It's treated as a joke, or something that should be glossed over. But then something is pointed out, and suddenly the pointer outer becomes treated as a sort of complicit aggressor in the situation for speaking out. The fact that you have to be God's most articulate orator who is ever polite and ever patient, the fact that you had to be the one to shoulder the burden of saying something at all instead of it being immediately rectified, the fact that the pattern repeats.....I don't know, it's the kind of shit that genuinely breaks the spirit a little bit. The prioritization of "politeness" but the "politeness" holds no kindness; the "politeness" centers certain people's feelings. The "rudeness" comes from a place of genuine righteousness, but it's treated as if it's more of a problem, because direct phrasing offends sensibilities. The way that you can never lose patience, especially if you are perceived as racialized -- hell, the way that when you are racialized, it is always on you to be the one who speaks up and explains. Why do I have to perform for you while you and your saltine flavored peers slobber at the table, reckless and unthinking, considering yourselves the ultra civilized and beneficent while I stand alone except for my fellow outcasts, forced to perfectly fold the napkins lest I be accused of being lesser, unstable, unkind? You people are throwing mash potatoes. I'm just stuck cleaning up the mess. I'll need to probably write a post that untangles my thoughts and sections them off better, if I feel up to trying to disentangle my feelings better, later. But I think self-examination stays woefully lacking.
A lot of this is the crux of Sara Ahmed's work on how disruption of bigoted norms are treated as more troubling than the norms.
I got to speak to her at a panel she gave in my town and asked her well what can we do? If working within a system doesn't affect change, because an institution will protect itself first and foremost, and disrupting makes them close ranks harder or even actively work against you, is there a balance? Or does it become fruitless? And her answer was to do everything you can to find others that have been silenced. Because official processes that get things done "the right way" be they official complaints, going to HR, or even discord mod tickets, are all there to isolate you against the institution. It's back stage. People can't see it which means they can't stand with you.
So if you ever feel like "why do I have to be the one? Why is it me against the world?" The chances are you aren't the only one, someone else has been "dealt with through the proper channels" and felt silenced. And working together will not only make it easier on you all but make things harder to sweep under the rug
I feel like bigotry is so normalized that people will inadvertently say genuinely strange and awful things, and because these things don't go against the grain and they're phrased "politely" (and are usually -- but not always -- out of white mouths) you'll see..........basically no push back. It's treated as a joke, or something that should be glossed over. But then something is pointed out, and suddenly the pointer outer becomes treated as a sort of complicit aggressor in the situation for speaking out. The fact that you have to be God's most articulate orator who is ever polite and ever patient, the fact that you had to be the one to shoulder the burden of saying something at all instead of it being immediately rectified, the fact that the pattern repeats.....I don't know, it's the kind of shit that genuinely breaks the spirit a little bit. The prioritization of "politeness" but the "politeness" holds no kindness; the "politeness" centers certain people's feelings. The "rudeness" comes from a place of genuine righteousness, but it's treated as if it's more of a problem, because direct phrasing offends sensibilities. The way that you can never lose patience, especially if you are perceived as racialized -- hell, the way that when you are racialized, it is always on you to be the one who speaks up and explains. Why do I have to perform for you while you and your saltine flavored peers slobber at the table, reckless and unthinking, considering yourselves the ultra civilized and beneficent while I stand alone except for my fellow outcasts, forced to perfectly fold the napkins lest I be accused of being lesser, unstable, unkind? You people are throwing mash potatoes. I'm just stuck cleaning up the mess. I'll need to probably write a post that untangles my thoughts and sections them off better, if I feel up to trying to disentangle my feelings better, later. But I think self-examination stays woefully lacking.
