Open Ask Box & Heart

You are an insightful person and I hope you keep trusting your gut. Because that seems like a red flag to me too! Plus, someone over 40 is in a very different life stage than someone who is in their 20's. Not to say that age gap relationships don't work, but they do add an additional obstacle that closer aged partners don't have to deal with.

When I was 29, I started a relationship with someone 21 years older than me. We were together for 7 years, 5 of which we were married. It ultimately ended in a heart-shattering divorce that left me single for 3 yrs before I could date again.

On the bright side, once I started dating again I met my now fiancee (who's 6 yrs younger) and we're getting married next spring!

Turtledove, I'm definitely not an advocate for lies, but you have had relationships before. You've had friends and family and those relationships, while not romantic, are meaningful and just as important.

2/2 the problem is, my partner has explicitly said in the past that they would never date a polyam person and it would be a deal-breaker for them. Is it worth risking everything we've built and been through just so I can be honest and start exploring this side of my sexuality? I don't have anyone I can ask in person for advice as we share all the same friends. I just feel so trapped and it's killing me.

My heart aches for you and your situation, but I really see only one option here - honesty. There's nothing good that will come from you keeping a big secret like this. You don't have to tell your partner every single thing, but you must tell them things that effect them and your feelings will eventually affect them.

Brave? That’s a very odd response. What’s brave about saying you have a gf when you’re a guy? Am I missing something? Sorry, your mom isn’t equally supportive of you, but give her time. Perhaps once she sees you’re really happy with someone, she’ll come around.

Anger is a normal emotional response that occurs in all people and how it’s handled may be less important than the fact that anger is so frequently felt in the first place. In many cases, excessive hostility is rooted in feelings of being unloved. Perhaps you grew up feeling that you can't trust people or even yourself? You say your family is upsetting, perhaps your cause of anger is legitimate and you need to move away ASAP?

Maybe you’re exposing yourself to too high levels of physiological arousal? I mean, noise, crowds, frustration or aggressive sports events do not generate anger, but they do increase levels of arousal. Which then, in turn makes it more likely that a small provocation will trigger an angry response. 

Expressing anger often leads only to more anger and repressing it means you’re not addressing it at all. When is it alright to express anger? 

If a circumstance satisfies these three conditions:

when anger represents a legitimate plea for justice,

when it is directed at someone who is the cause of the anger

when it’d result in a correction of the offence or wouldn’t cause retaliation.

When you get angry- Identify and Question

Recognise your anger. What are you really feeling?

Identify the cause of your anger. What’s the source?

Rate its importance. Does this need a discussion for improvement? Was the provocation was really directed at you?

Choose a realistic course. Can you let this go?

Next stepsDelay and reflection: will give you a chance to decide how to express your feelings without attacking or belittling the other person. Take personal responsibility: especially for your feelings.Don’t attack the integrity or character of the other person. State your opinions and needs: in calm and non-harmful terms.

 As for “venting”- nope!

Redirecting your anger into exercise or something aggressive will only maintain or increase your arousal level. Plus, later you may be even more aggressive than if you had just cooled off. Cooling off isn’t the same as not dealing with anger. It’s when your relax or distract yourself with an activity totally incompatible with aggression.

Venting is a negative reinforcement process,. It might make you feel great for a bit, but it’s not a cure, it’s a cycle. It prolongs your angst like pouring fuel into a fire. If you get accustomed to blowing off steam, you become dependent on it.The more effective approach is to just stop. A wise psych once said, ‘Venting is a lot like farting in an elevator. It might make you feel good for a moment, but soon you’ll regret it.’

Release your anger in 3 phases with 90’s phrases:

via rad kids, “Chill out, Dude!”

Your anger will dissipate faster when you make the effort to relax. Finding a peaceful activity makes it more difficult to maintain anger. So, go for a walk or at least move away from the source of anger. Also, practising deep breathing exercises or repeat a calming phrase could help you find some inner chill. 

via Madonna, “Express Yourself”

Take time to learn conflict resolution and communication skills. If you can help it, never confront someone you’re intensely angry with, instead take that break and come back when you’re less agitated. When you do convo, avoid criticising or blaming the other person. Instead, address their concerns in a respectful manner, using “I feel” statements. Be willing to listen to the other person’s response. Then ideally, work cooperatively to find possible solutions.

via everyone and their Mama, “Talk to the hand”

Was he alone or with friends? Does he have mental or health issues? Is he using this as a coping mechanism or to be like his friends? These answers make a big difference, so get back to me with some more details and I can give you better guidance for this very common issue. 

Sure! Let me welcome you to the kinky side! I don’t know exactly what you’re looking for, so I’ll give you a variety of places to begin your research:

Magazine Articles....

Bustle - How Do I Get Into BDSM? 

Self - Curious About Bondage? 

Refinery 29 -9 Tips For Bondage Beginners 

Autostraddle -You Need Help: So You Want To Try Being A BDSM Top 

Articles from my fav places to buy sex toys...

GoodVibrations- Bondage Basics

LoveHoney - Beginner's Bedroom Bondage Techniques 

Blogs....

Cara Sutra -Tips For Beginners To BDSM And Bondage 

Kinkly -A Beginner's Guide to Submission 

The Big Gay Review- A Beginner’s Guide to Bondage  

Community and Advice...(just remember, everyone’s experience isn’t universal and YMMV)

Fetlife- is kinda like the facebook of kink. 

As someone with learning disabilities, who teaches HS to ppl with learning disabilities...it sounds like you probs have a learning disability. Some people learn new info easily, others need things taught to them in specific ways to really grasp the material. There’s nothing wrong with that. You just learn differently. 

Look into things like ADHD and auditory or visual processing disorder(s), as those are the most common. ADHD is a medical diagnosis and can only be given by a doctor, and AP/VP or any other LD can be diagnosed by a psychologist. There are tests online, but they aren’t reliable. Your best bet is to get yourself tested at that school, which they can do for free. 

Sexuality can be fluid and people can change how they identify, but have you thought about getting your mental health assessed? Being suddenly indifferent towards people, just smacks of depression. Mental health can absolutely hamper our libido and sexual attraction.

Short answer: No, you should go. 

Explanation: First, what’s wrong with getting attention? You deserve attention, everyone does. Plus, that’s what support groups are for- getting and giving attention. By design, support groups are all about a give and take within a community that shares some commonality. They’re about bringing attention to the individuals involved, not about judging one another’s “worthiness”

Secondly, it sounds like you’ve done your research and your therapist agrees with your self-diagnosis. IMHO that’s sufficient to join a support group. Remember that if things change or don’t feel right, you can leave at any time. 

Thirdly, people judge others, it’s just part of life. Does that mean you don’t belong or won’t be accepted? Certainly not. Chances are, you won’t even be the only self-diagnosed person in the room! People generally don’t attend support groups to be judgemental and exclusionary, they go for the support (give/take). 

Oh turtledove, my heart breaks for you. I know how hard it is to lose family members. Furry or not, those living beings were your family and I’m glad you did the right thing by finding a no-kill shelter. Please take the time the grieve your loss and do what you need to take care of you.