My body hasnât been feeling very good lately.
I just havenât felt like myself. My knees have been in pain since May, and Iâve also been experiencing trouble with my period, namely that it will not go away. I know some of you might think this is over-sharing and if so, feel free to skip the rest of this entry. I personally just believe that peopleâs bodies are not shameful, and that we should be able to freely talk about them without feeling as if they are (*climbs down from soap box*).Â
I just feel broken down. After a doctorâs appointment today about my knee pain, it turns out I have some minor degeneration in my knee, like minor arthritis, they said. I have to go to PT now to try to work through it. Iâm thankful that I can work with someone trained who will help me, but I feel old and sad that my body isnât working the way it should. Also, I know my boss will be understanding, but Iâve never been good at taking time for myself, especially for health stuff. I always feel like Iâm âmaking a big dealâ or âoverreactingâ because Iâm not like...unable to do anything. Iâm always thinking it should be worse before I take time off for it.
As for the period stuff, I think Iâve always been sensitive to hormonal birth control, and I just am trying to figure out if itâs worth continuing. Iâve always wondered if I would feel better without it, but itâs nerve wracking to come off after being on for so long. Then again, the current situation isnât amazing. Lately, I spot almost all the time. Sometimes I will get two mini periods in a month. It just makes me feel so...blah, and a lot of times I am crampy. I just never know when itâs going to break through, and I find that I feel self conscious and not very âmyselfâ in terms of my sexuality and happiness. If it does end up being the culprit, I will probably switch to a copper IUD to not be on hormones, but I didnât want to just do that without running a test first (ever the scientist). The copper IUD has itâs own set of cons that Iâm not too keen on jumping into without needing to.
But again, itâs been difficult to know when exactly to escalate the issue to my doctor. I keep...waiting for something to happen, but not knowing what exactly. I keep worrying secretly that the doctor thinks Iâm making this up in my head, or that Iâm attention seeking somehow. I donât know why I think this way, but it generally happens when I try to navigate something about my health thatâs not super âobviousâ, or is kind of a gray area and the doctor doesnât have a clear path. It feels like Iâm being "naggyâ or being a hypochondriac, even though my rational mind knows itâs ok to make as many appointments as I feel necessary.
I know this isnât rational thinking, but the emotions are hard to overcome! I have two appointments next week (one for bc removal, the other for PT) and I feel like Iâm being a drama queen and missing work for no truly urgent reason. I have to keep telling myself that my body matters, and that itâs good to do preventative maintenance instead of waiting until I feel âsick enough.â Itâs hard to really feel those words in my heart sometimes, though. I know if it were a friend who were going through this, I would be telling them these things to reassure them, so Iâm trying to treat myself like a friend đ.
Anywho, I also have an appointment (yes, Iâm appointment-girl) with a therapist so I assume weâll talk about these feelings in a few weeks when I meet her. I made the appointment in JUNE, PEOPLE. JUNE. And the soonest they could get me in was end of October. Iâm fortunate enough that I havenât had any sudden downward spirals for my mental health, but its difficult to know that so many people are probably needing help, even more-so than I do, and not being able to get it in time.Â
But in other news, life is alright. Lab is trucking along, and aside from the dumpster fire that is this world around me, I think Iâm doing ok.
If youâve read this far, thanks for sticking with me and listening to my thoughts. Itâs helpful for me to write things down. Itâs how I process my inner dialogue with myself. I hope youâre all doing as well as you can during these times, and, as always, my inbox is open if you ever want to chat <3Â