#fromthequeen

When you take the lid off of a steamin’ hawt transfer and your nose is tickled by the clean smell of dat SDS... *sigh* =_=

My body hasn’t been feeling very good lately.

I just haven’t felt like myself. My knees have been in pain since May, and I’ve also been experiencing trouble with my period, namely that it will not go away. I know some of you might think this is over-sharing and if so, feel free to skip the rest of this entry. I personally just believe that people’s bodies are not shameful, and that we should be able to freely talk about them without feeling as if they are (*climbs down from soap box*). 

I just feel broken down. After a doctor’s appointment today about my knee pain, it turns out I have some minor degeneration in my knee, like minor arthritis, they said. I have to go to PT now to try to work through it. I’m thankful that I can work with someone trained who will help me, but I feel old and sad that my body isn’t working the way it should. Also, I know my boss will be understanding, but I’ve never been good at taking time for myself, especially for health stuff. I always feel like I’m “making a big deal” or “overreacting” because I’m not like...unable to do anything. I’m always thinking it should be worse before I take time off for it.

As for the period stuff, I think I’ve always been sensitive to hormonal birth control, and I just am trying to figure out if it’s worth continuing. I’ve always wondered if I would feel better without it, but it’s nerve wracking to come off after being on for so long. Then again, the current situation isn’t amazing. Lately, I spot almost all the time. Sometimes I will get two mini periods in a month. It just makes me feel so...blah, and a lot of times I am crampy. I just never know when it’s going to break through, and I find that I feel self conscious and not very “myself” in terms of my sexuality and happiness. If it does end up being the culprit, I will probably switch to a copper IUD to not be on hormones, but I didn’t want to just do that without running a test first (ever the scientist). The copper IUD has it’s own set of cons that I’m not too keen on jumping into without needing to.

But again, it’s been difficult to know when exactly to escalate the issue to my doctor. I keep...waiting for something to happen, but not knowing what exactly. I keep worrying secretly that the doctor thinks I’m making this up in my head, or that I’m attention seeking somehow. I don’t know why I think this way, but it generally happens when I try to navigate something about my health that’s not super “obvious”, or is kind of a gray area and the doctor doesn’t have a clear path. It feels like I’m being  "naggy” or being a hypochondriac, even though my rational mind knows it’s ok to make as many appointments as I feel necessary.

I know this isn’t rational thinking, but the emotions are hard to overcome! I have two appointments next week (one for bc removal, the other for PT) and I feel like I’m being a drama queen and missing work for no truly urgent reason. I have to keep telling myself that my body matters, and that it’s good to do preventative maintenance instead of waiting until I feel “sick enough.” It’s hard to really feel those words in my heart sometimes, though. I know if it were a friend who were going through this, I would be telling them these things to reassure them, so I’m trying to treat myself like a friend 😌.

Anywho, I also have an appointment (yes, I’m appointment-girl) with a therapist so I assume we’ll talk about these feelings in a few weeks when I meet her. I made the appointment in JUNE, PEOPLE. JUNE. And the soonest they could get me in was end of October. I’m fortunate enough that I haven’t had any sudden downward spirals for my mental health, but its difficult to know that so many people are probably needing help, even more-so than I do, and not being able to get it in time. 

But in other news, life is alright. Lab is trucking along, and aside from the dumpster fire that is this world around me, I think I’m doing ok.

If you’ve read this far, thanks for sticking with me and listening to my thoughts. It’s helpful for me to write things down. It’s how I process my inner dialogue with myself. I hope you’re all doing as well as you can during these times, and, as always, my inbox is open if you ever want to chat <3 

If you're finding yourself frazzled and unable to complete tasks because you feel overwhelmed, here’s a trick that has helped me a bit. It’s by no means a cure, but just something I try to practice every day to stay focused. 

The goal: Take 10 minutes, center yourself, and make a small to-do list. 

Use the following guidelines:

Try to do it at the start of your day. I know sometimes it’s tempting to launch right into working when you first get to your office/lab/couch/wherever, but trust me, that is a great way to get your mind in a tizzy and lose sight of your goals. Instead, take 5-10 minutes before you start anything else and reserve it as quiet time for you

If you feel especially anxious, start with a small mindfulness exercise before attempting to think about your goals for the day. It can literally be 1-2 minutes. This is a great way to center yourself before you start the critical thinking. I like to use Headspace or the Calm app (which both have some free options), but there are many other apps out there too!

When you feel ready, start to bullet a list of your major goals for the day. Try to think about realistically what you want to accomplish and what you can accomplish in the time that you have. It’s ok to put down more than you can do at first, but always go back and trim things down to a few important things you want to accomplish that particular day.

Use a physical sheet of paper. I know we’re in the age of digital note apps, and I love them too, but nothing gets me focused like physically writing on a sheet of paper. It starts to wake your mind/body up in ways that typing just...doesn’t.

Break your tasks up into tiny pieces. A lot of people (myself included) put the end goals/big picture down and forget about the in-between. This not only makes it more difficult to cross things off and track progress, but it also makes you constantly feel like you’re never actually finishing anything (which contributes to the overall feeling of failure and anxiety). Think about the big goal, write it down even, and then make sub-bullets underneath for the milestones you need to hit along the way. It will help you feel like you are moving, and also give you direction on next steps when you feel lost. Another good reason is that if your boss/advisor/whoever asks for an update, you can tell them exactly what you did instead of saying you’re still “working on it”.

Put down some easy tasks! I always like to include some “gimme” bullets that, if nothing else, will make me feel like I’m doing ok. For example, if I need an easy task on my list, one my my favorites is to put down “Check email” or “Respond to [so-and-so] about [XYZ]”. It makes you feel like you’re moving along and is a good confidence booster! 

Don’t beat yourself up if you don’t get to everything. In the beginning, it will be tempting to make a giant list and propagate undone items to the next day. Try not to do this!! It doesn’t feel great, and can lower your motivation to see the same things every day for 3 weeks, still not finished. If you want to jot down more ideas so you don’t forget them, make a separate column somewhere for “Overflow” or put it in a digital note app and you can pull from it when you are caught up.

What are your strategies for staying motivated and focused when you have a lot to do? How do you keep yourself from feeling stressed and overwhelmed? 

If you like ambient white noise (rain/creaking houses/fire places, nature) and beautiful, moody artwork, check out The Guild of Ambience on Youtube. 

Wow! Hello to my new followers and thank you to my old followers who have stuck by me :) I’ve been terrible at posting lately, but I haven’t forgotten about you all! 

I’m back at work pretty much full time now. Switching back in to being in the lab after quarantining at home was rough though (still is a little bit). On the one hand, I was so happy to get back to the bench and away from my computer! I realized I do NOT like writing so far and data analysis just feels really tedious (although necessary). On the other hand, I really liked the pace of working from home and my stress levels were the lowest they’ve ever been. There was a brief period of time where I was working at home part time and then in the lab part time. That was the best. I felt so productive and like I finally have a nice blend of experimentation but then time to sit and think about my data.

That didn’t last very long though, and now my PI wants us back full swing essentially, and I am to the other extreme. Barely any time to sit and think about my results, and more time setting up and conducting experiments. I really dislike it. But I know I’m behind from the shutdown and we’re trying to push a paper out ASAP, so I’m trying to just push on and get the data collected. The other reason it sucks I think is because we’re still trying to minimize interaction as much as possible, so you get all of the grind and none of the human interaction that makes the long hours worth it! It has left me feeling drained.

Aside from feeling like the world is suddenly moving at 5 billion miles an hour, life has been good. Doggo and husband are fine and I just got selected to give my first conference talk this winter! 

I’ve also been starting some career development stuff and trying to have informal interviews via video-chat. That’s been super interesting. It’s been nice to hear different people’s perspectives on life outside of academia, and also get more insight into if I need a postdoc or not. I really don’t want to do one unless it’s short and/or in industry, but I also don’t want to screw myself over. The more people I talk to, the more I get a sense of the picture, and also is a nice way to network when you don’t need anything other than advice. Hoping to continue doing this and then when I really am searching for a job, I’ll have some people in my corner! 

I’m still a bit away from graduating, but it’s never too early to start thinking about these things. It makes me feel a little bit better to have control over it rather than just going to career panels and feeling like oh my god I’m not qualified to do anything!!

I hope you all are doing well! What’s new?