Kyrs

“Starcrossed and Gazing”

CJ

crippled by recent decisions you made to depart this realm

I hold on tightly to memories of our brief affair

road trips and adventures in your Miata left me breathless & dizzy

skinny dipping in rivers I will never be able to place

stargazing and plane watching in obscure valleys and foothills

encounters with cops and pastors alike

belting the national anthem as fireworks burst

twas never a dull moment

sinful commonalities aside

I am sorry I was not more present for you, longterm

I was terrified of you

your past and present

you were a different breed

sporadic and neurotic

even still, full of passion

wild goals to keep moving forward at any cost

that’s what made you irresistible

how ironic

regardless of our circumstance

I hope you know how deeply I adored you

when I held onto you in our feverish haze

I’ll miss you for eternity

losing you was a travesty

rest as peacefully as you can

as I cruise along your side of the city

this crevice I harbor morphes into a cavern 

filled to the brim with bruised buttcheeks

1970’s Japanese horror

and dirty talk that actually makes me question my cleanliness

in your palace of filth

styling gliding up your block 

knowing full and well you are states away

I romanticize dusty afternoons spent “watching movies”

to avoid natural connection

you say I am sweet

you say I take it well

you say bitches far too much

I feel gross when I finally release myself from your ghastly grasp

a firm grip I am all too familiar with

and yet

here I sit

perched on a throne of delusion 

because being alone makes me so uncomfortable 

that I’d rather feel nasty in your company 

you make me cum and giggle abundantly 

I foresee how this plays out

as I always do

I am a permanent placeholder to my lovers

a temporary warm body

how does one break such a sickly cycle of torment and self degradation 

when it’s all one’s really experienced?

show me

can you?

I didn’t imagine you could