I’m on mobile, so this reply is going to look real low rent like. For the (two) people reading this at home, Zayn seems to have a new PR team called Permanent Press Media, fresh out of Brooklyn.

They’re fairly new, and folks there have also previously worked at BTPR (Zayn’s former publicity team). To be real official about this, they also rep Rita Ora, Noel Gallagher, Dua Lipa “and more”, which either means you haven’t heard of the other ones or the intern tacked that on to make them sound more busy and important, like back in the day when I would sometimes say my “assistant” would get back to people, and by assistant I meant me, sitting in my underwear watching Golden Girls.

hiiii!

This was me yesterday when I heard the news:

I honestly think it was a long time coming - FAE has made a lot of rookie mistakes over the last few years. Here’s my thing - after reading the Variety & HDD FAE press release article that got distributed to everyone on the FAE rolodex if that were true, why not terminate their relationship 8 or even 10 months ago, when there appeared to be a flurry of no shows and cancellations, rather then terminate during what has arguably been his most active period in years these past few months? There’s even legit Scrooge McDuck revenue to be made here coming up for them, what with a new album and a planned tour (he’s even in tour rehearsals) - the Business Hoe Maths do not add up.

I said it yesterday, but you know what really doesn’t look good? When two of your biggest acts walk in quick succession. So, if you’re FAE, what do you do? You try and stop the damage so you don’t walk away looking like a team of  sweatys. They couldn’t get a jump on Ellie Goulding leaving, but they were able to get a jump on the stories regarding Zayn, and so they did. If I were petty (I am), I would say that this was probably the fastest work they’ve done on behalf of Zayn in their 3 years of working together!

What I do wonder in hindsight though, is if this visit by Sarah Stennett wasn’t her attempt at trying to get Zehn to reconsider whilst he was in his fancy Miami Music & Nap House:

“Sereh, ah hehve cuhlled dis meetin’ because yew ah fiahed. Theh lack of caht mehmes downloahded tuh muh phuhne wuz theh lahst strahw. “

“Guhdbai Sereh, deah’s an Ehdibuhl Arrenhngement foah yew ahn theh weh ouht”

I actually think it might be more then just a visual album? Given the fact that he’s mentioned the poems are going to be included in what is presumably a Deluxe Edition or Collector’s Edition or Melly’s Funeral Edition™, I think there’s more to it.

You guys, I am a hundo percent here for a PR scenario where no one is dragged and shit is supportive, generous, positive and real adult-like.  I shall finish this last Dorito in peace.

Ok first of all I fully resent the fact that you aren’t even considering that Zayn, who has been traveling the world for years to source precious ingredients for his groundbreaking serums from the likes of the Alps, Anartica, and the Rainforest WHICH HE SHARES WITH NO ONE THANKS A LOT IM NOT BITTER AT ALL ZEHN, would have gone to Miami without making sure he had Nasa scientists create a special technology made from a molecule found only on Mars that allowed him to sunbathe optimally by ingesting a delicious avocado sandwich. Here he is eating the magic sunscreen sandwich right in front of you, laughing quietly to himself “dey duhn efin noah ah haf Nasa suhn magick”:

haiiiiiiiiiii

Ok, so I’m just feeling a lot of emotions rn? Because I thought Zigith was still going to be a thing through Q2 but sometimes, SOMETIMES you buy a regular pack of nipple tassels and you open them up and they’re made of diamonds?

Dan Wootton rubbed his hooves together and typed out his hoofsclusive on his typewriter from hell to announce the breakup of Z2, just days, a week tops mayhaps from Zayn dropping music for Z2. Such a random totally unrelated and extremely promotionally advantageous happenstance that has nothing at all to do with anyone’s content calendar or a bunch of middle aged white folks and a Yolanda in a conference room planning that out with spreadsheets and analytics!

Seriously though, hand to boob I am not even fucking with you guys rn, the thing I am most happy about in all this? Somehow, someway, my major award winning, serum innovating angelic mouth breathing child Zehn walked away from this without looking like the villain. I don’t know what kind of tuppence was paid, what kind of super wizard arranged this for Zehn, or if Zehn’s team finally got their shit together, but just:

“The source that was Yolanda added: “This is definitely the end for now, but this isn’t a bitter split and they both have respect for each other.”

Do you know how far we’ve come?  DO YOU? I raise a Capri Sun in thanks today!