ARCHIVED.

obvious causes of post-traumatic stress syndrome are obvious

constantly flip-flops between “i want to live, i never want to die again” and “why am i alive i should’ve died”

is internally a bit freaked out by how well he accepted death and that he remembers a moment right before the survival instincts kicked in where he's not sure he was happy to be alive

at first, has trouble seeing his artificial body parts as a part of him, rather than tools and equipment. grows used to the hand quicker than the legs bc he uses it more

depressed. easiest to tell from how much less he smiles  ( which is to say, virtually impossible for anyone but a few people to notice ). combination of his own trauma as well as the realities of losing kingsman and everyone with it crashing on him

at first, can’t seem to make the new kingsman feel familiar -- the positive realities of being able to make kingsman what it should be on the 21st century only really dawn upon him later when the ptss eases

“Here– if the nanite code I wrote passes the simulations, that means you’ll be able to control the new limbs with your nervous system, and you’ll have cognisance of them.”  She motions to the screen, where a digitally rendered model the internal structures of Merlin’s legs (another tab held a similar render for his arm). Ginger, presses a key on her data pad. Reinforcements for his femurs, nanites to reconstruct some of the muscle, but mostly to work with the nerves, reduce pain and signal misfire, and ultimately to allow him as much control over and comfort in his upcoming prosthetics.

the world’s gonna know your name   /   THERE’S A MILLION THINGS I HAVEN’T DONE   /   you gotta fend for yourself   /   YOU COULD NEVER BACK DOWN. YOU NEVER LEARNED TO TAKE YOUR TIME   /   I MAY HAVE PUNCHED HIM. IT’S A BLUR   /   he looked at me like i was stupid. i’m not stupid.   /   WE’RE WORTH MORE THAN ANYONE BARGAINED FOR   /   talk less. smile more   /   fools who run their mouths off wind up dead   /   IF YOU STAND FOR NOTHING, WHAT’LL YOU FALL FOR?   /   I AM NOT THROWING AWAY MY SHOT   /   i’m young, scrappy and hungry   /   I PROBABLY SHOULDN’T BRAG BUT DAG I AMAZE AND ASTONISH   /   THE PROBLEM IS I GOT A LOT OF BRAINS BUT NO POLISH   /   don’t be shocked when your history book mentions me   /   I WILL LAY DOWN MY LIFE IF IT SETS US FREE   /   YOU AND I, DO OR DIE   /   sometimes i get over excited, shoot off at the mouth   /   they’ll tell the story of tonight   /   RAISE A GLASS TO FREEDOM, SOMETHING THEY CAN NEVER TAKE AWAY   /   you want a revolution? i want a revelation.   /   look around at how lucky we are to be alive right now   /   chaos and bloodshed are not a solution   /   I’D RATHER BE DIVISIVE THAN INDECISIVE   /   i will send a fully armed battalion to remind you of my love   /   I WILL FIGHT THE FIGHT AND WIN THE WAR  /   any hope of success is fleeting   /   DYING IS EASY. LIVING IS HARDER   /   I HAVE NEVER BEEN THE TYPE TO TRY AND GRAB THE SPOTLIGHT   /   then you walked in and my heart went “boom!”   /   i remember that night, i might just regret that night for the rest of my life   /   i have never been satisfied   /   love doesn’t discriminate between the sinners and the saints   /   WHEN THEY DIED THEY LEFT NO INSTRUCTIONS, JUST A LEGACY TO PROTECT   /   DEATH DOESN’T DISCRIMINATE BETWEEN THE SINNERS AND THE SAINTS   /   i am the one thing in life i can control   /   i am not standing still, i am lying in wait   /   STAY ALIVE ‘TIL THIS HORROR SHOW IS PAST   /   WE HAVE A WAR TO FIGHT, LET’S MOVE ALONG   /   my name’s been through a lot, i can take it   /   i am more than willing to die   /   just stay alive, that would be enough   /   i made every mistake   /   i imagine death so much it feels more like a memory   /   THE WORLD TURNED UPSIDE DOWN   /   IT’S MUCH HARDER WHEN IT’S ALL YOUR CALL   /   domestic life was never quite my style   /   keep on fighting in the meantime   /   I’VE SEEN INJUSTICE IN THE WORLD AND I’VE CORRECTED IT   /   NOW WHAT I’M GOING TO SAY MAY SOUND INDELICATE   /    I HADN’T SLEPT IN A WEEK   /   show me how to say no to this   /   DO WE NOT FIGHT FOR FREEDOM?   /   you don’t even know what you’re asking me to confess   /   i looked up and the town had its eyes on me   /   i wrote my way out of hell   /   I WILL CHOOSE [THEIR] HAPPINESS OVER MINE EVERY TIME   /   i knew you were mine. you said you were mine. i thought were mine   /   be careful with that one, love, he will do what it takes to survive   /   THE WORLD HAS NO RIGHT TO MY HEART   /   i hope that you burn   /   i can’t have that, i’m making my father proud   /   mom, i’m so sorry for forgetting what you taught me   /   there is suffering too terrible to name   /   and i pray… that never used to happen before   /   there is a grace too powerful to name   /   BUT I WON’T APOLOGIZE FOR DOING WHAT’S RIGHT   /   I’M RUNNING OUT OF TIME, I’M RUNNING, AND MY TIME’S UP   /   YOU HAVE NO CONTROL WHO LIVES, WHO DIES, WHO TELLS YOUR STORY

The touch is COMFORTING. Roxy wants to be the good agent and stand stoically in front of the man who trained her. There is no protocol for this, for losing all of Kingsman. They’re lucky it was only the active agents, that analysts and technicians were spared– but not Merlin. He’s always been at the forefront, she respects him as much (if not more) than she respected her fellow Kingsman at the table. Cares about him more. Many of the Kingsman she’s only known  THROUGH HOLOGRAMS.

“Grief is a wound that doesn’t shut so easily, even when the one–ones you’re grieving aren’t really dead.” Her voice breaks a little on the last word. The feeling had dug into her chest like a knife– hurt worse than any physical injury she’d sustained. The traumatizing thought that she was alone, and that everyone who knew anything important about her career or her work was vaporized. Roxy, doesn’t try to stop the tears now, but her chest doesn’t heave like it had in private moments at that motel. Just quiet tears dripping down her cheeks. Tears of  ACCEPTANCE AND RELIEF.

“I’m not gone. And you’re not gone.” She says with a thick voice. “So now we have to get things going again– pick up the pieces. ” And she says it like she’d willing pick every piece up herself. 

the doomsday protocol has ended. merlin has been left standing  ( barely, in the metaphorical sense only )  in the middle of nothing, to stare at the hollowed out space between rows of houses where the kingsman tailor shop doors he’s walked through in and out for forty fucking years like it was never there. roxy is grounding him, gentle touch giving solid proof at least the last few years happened, that merlin had importance and a place in a working machine even if the memory of that is harder and harder to reach as the scraps of the old kingsman are being cleared away.

if it weren’t for the decades of conditioning himself to keep his emotions in check, he thinks he wouldn’t be able to stop tears either.   “ we're not ALONE. eggsy lives. harry lives. and we have help to rebuild. ”   just barely does he manage to resist commenting how some of him is gone, but the melancholy distorts his voice all the same: yes, they’d rebuild. yes, he’d walk again. and yes, the agent could return to saving the world again... but none of that would be like it’d been in the world merlin knew. it would be a mirror image at best --- a perfect copy where nothing would still not be where he’s used to. the idea of that frightens him almost as much as the idea of standing on nothing at all.

we both dig whisky

“you fucking bitch ass punk do u have any idea how much i’ve customised the preferences on thAT THING PUT IT DOWN NOW”

programming interest

lefties

don’t try to joke ur way out of a serious situation or be met with The Glare

FIVE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MUN + MUSE

my hair is more young harry than young merlin

merlin’s social skills are indefnintiely better than mine

while i recognise its cultural importance and its capabilities as an instrument, i can not stand the sound of bagpipes. i blame my sensory hypersensitivities

even merlin is more active than i am

i have +300% more limbs