QUANTUM !

they rushed into the first ones available, not at all vetting their options or debating what would be good for them long-term. we and others warned them that what they chose wouldn't pay well, it'd be physically taxing, and just wouldn't be very good for them. they pushed it aside, said they'd be fine, said they'd push through, said it wouldn't be that bad because they can just deal with it.

they hate it. they complain every time they go into work that they don't want to, they want to quit, they hate their coworkers, their shifts/hours are dogshit bad, they're tired, they hurt, the pay's shit, and it gets taken out on us emotionally when they come home.

we spent time carefully sifting through listings, applying only for work we knew we could handle for the foreseeable future, having personal standards for the commute, the job itself, and the pay. sure, it made it more tedious, but the worst part was that they berated us for it. "you can't be picky, just take anything, it doesn't matter what you want right now".

and guess what? we got a job we loved!! when we lost it due to layoffs? we got another!!! and we still love it!!!

we get paid way more than them, we aren't working our body into the ground, we get free time, we have consistent hours, we LOVE our job and actually come home in a better mood most of the time!

AND! ITS! BECAUSE! WE! WERE! SELECTIVE!!!! we listened to our body, we listened to our experience, we listened to what we WANTED, and it literally paid off!!! Our mental and physical health are so much better because we actually listen to what we could realistically do, instead of what we could push ourselves to do and it SHOWS!!!!

I am the successor to a gatekeeper the body had for its entire life, minus the first 4. After 14 years of hiding, she revealed herself. She got too attached to people on the outside. Shitty people, abusive people, who retraumatized us in ways that set us back years in our healing. They abandoned her, after spending months gaslighting her into thinking she was insane for noticing that they were pulling away. She shattered. I was the largest piece remaining.

I stayed hidden for a long time. I made the mistake of revealing myself. I started extending my trust, my camaraderie, to someone we trusted. I should not have. They are not as bad as what killed my predecessor, but they exhibit a good many of the same behaviors and are becoming worse, more hostile, by the day.

I should have trusted my instincts. I should have stayed hidden. I knew this was exactly how it would go.

girl. what the fuck.