F U C K L I F E

Well shit, I'm in love.

I just want you to be happy even if your happiness means compromising my own.

Everyone's drafting their personal statements meanwhile today I drafted my suicide note.

You're like a drug. I faced withdrawal symptoms for 5 months desperate to feel the ecstasy again but suddenly I moved on with that part of my life and never wanted to look back. Then I was offered you again and although I knew it would hurt me I was tempted by the memories of the high you gave me that I longed to feel one last time. But now I've relapsed worse than ever before and the comedown is unbearable forcing back into that state of crippling depression that I'd struggled with for so long. You are like a fucking drug.

I’m addicted to you like I’m addicted to self harm. Loving you is self harm. When we were together you constantly hurt me but it made me love you more because I didn’t think I deserved anything more. It was a dangerous game I was playing. In the end I hurt you to hurt myself; to take away the meaning from my life and to push me over the edge. Now when I see you my head spins, my heart thumps, my hands shake and I feel like I’m going to be sick; like I’m going to faint; like I’m going to die. But at least I find comfort in my tears because I know happiness is not what I deserve. No self harm is greater than being in love with someone who doesn’t give a shit about you.

I’m really really scared of curing my depression because I don’t know who I will be without it. If I’m not sad, I’m nothing.

So one day in history I was sitting right at the back of the classroom and my best friend was sat in front of me turned around to say some sarcy comment and I guess I hadn’t realised how quiet the class was and I sang “TURN AROUND (BRIGHT EYES)” really loudly at him and my whole class turned around and looked at me and my teacher who is really fucking judgy won’t let it go.

My anti-sex mum won’t let me have a double bed because I’ll “take advantage” of it. The ironic thing is I broke my single bed having sex on it.

Holy shit so I’m sitting watching Mall Cop swedged to fuck trying to avoid my parents and then my dad yells “*insert my name* come here right now!!” in a panic I ask, “why?” and he just repeats, “COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!” I fucking shit myself thinking that he somehow knows but no he was giving me money for tidying my room. He was joking and my whole life flashed before my eyes.