Purple Chengkaii

However, being a hard-working woman became my trademark as my friends told me that I do not easily give up and always see light and positivity in every problem and challenge. Little did they know, it takes a lot of courage and mental meditation just to accomplish a thing or a task. 

i developed my sense of discipline, responsiveness, enthusiasm in improving myself and improving the things I know so I can utilized them when the time comes. Therefore, perfectionism becomes my goal rather giving my excellence. 

This is one of the most painful part of my realization while I was on a filed work in Cebu City as I always feel stagnant, lonely, and anxious about anything to everything. I also realized that being a hard-working woman doesn’t help me from the start, but it only gives me disappointment, frustration, and fear of failures. 

As I am unleashing again my inner demons and insecurities through this blog, I hope that I can strive for being myself and for giving my excellence rather than perfectionism in everything. 

I am planning also major changes and shifts in my life, but definitely will come back with full of energy, hope, and happy that I can share with everyone. 

Since the title says it all, the thoughts that continuously running in my mind were the physical signs of effects of this difficult illness. It was started when I do not feel to eat at all. It looks like every food that I can saw in our fridge is not appealing to me anymore even my favorite snacks such as: chocolates, cookies, gummy bears, oatmeals, grapes, and oranges. It also restrained my appetite to eat as I do not have the energy to put any nourishment throughout my body because eating will not make me comfortable anymore and it could not end my desperation and struggles. 

However, there will be times that I eat too much without a clear explanation why am I doing that?, but after that glutinous acts, my stomach will puke everything. I ignore this kind of signs as I was thinking that maybe, my body cannot handle anymore the foods I have intaken. The more it occurs, the more I am becoming aware of my physical health. 

Aside of disturbed stomach health and eating styles, being sleepless becomes inevitable especially if there are times where I am in my low days. It becomes a challenge for me to have a peaceful sleeping routines as my body still awake without clear reasons. I already reduced my caffeine intakes and even teas, but still a so-called “Goodnight Sleep” is a huge problem and challenge for my wellbeing. 

There will be a times that I feel tired in morning that my body wanted nothing, but to sleep and to sleep again all day. At that moment, I already know that something is not right anymore. 

Right now, I just suffered in puking and headaches and I want to clear this things as soon as possible because I know that this is not healthy and right anymore. 

My mind is still disturbed and exhausted. but I still push myself to my limit because nobody will cares for me except myself and this is really painful to me. I already lost my motivation to live, I already lost my love for myself, and I already lost myself to the depths of madness. 

I am already sad, remorseful, and frustrated in my life, but the thought of nobody understands my thoughts even though, I explained everything was something more difficult to find a way. 

It was happened when my sister told me to just cooked for myself as they only cooked good for (4) four person. At first, I was hurt for her action as I have told her that I am having physical and emotional struggles with my work and I just needed a break for awhile to help my mind find enough energy to do all those tasks. I have told her also that I am currently in desperation as I am looking for a part-time job that could served as a “side hustle for me to sustain my expenses in graduate school and in medical maintenance. 

Instead of expressing my hysterical complains, I opted to remain silent and to bottle up my emotions again as I am still avoiding to explode due to I cannot control my emotions and my parents would think that I am just overreacted and oversensitive again. 

The ending of this incident was that I was still blamed for this scenario as I do not tell them my work and short-course classes and my sister blamed me for not expressing properly my thoughts and problems with her. At that moment, I already admitted my mistakes and my short-comings, but I cannot help it to be too hard on myself again because things got worsted and out of control. 

I admitted that I have chosen to unleash first my anger before clarifying the main problem; however, knowing that they were decided to leave their opinions at their own disposal were the main reason why I started again to lose myself in the depths of inner guilt and disappointment. 

This will be the first time to admit everything, but I am blaming myself for what is happening to my younger sister’s life either in her career development or in her personal life. I am still thinking that if i did not excel too much and achieve school recognitions, maybe my parents can support my sister’s academic endeavors and appreciate her more; that if I did not always tell my parents my goals in life in line to their personal frustrations and doubts, maybe my sister would not be tagged as “Happy-Go-Luck Girl”; that if I expressed my endless love and undying support to her, maybe, we can really achieve that sisterhood I am dreaming for the both of us. 

This is one of my struggles as I do not know anymore how can I handle these problems. It looks like my mind would explode anytime like a ticking bomb. I want to be understood by someone or be heard from my miserable place, but everyone in our house becomes blind to anything. 

My parents told me that from the very first start, I should have established my authority to them so that they will obey me every time I say something. The truth in this belief is that, I do not want to put an enormous wall between my siblings as I want them to more open with their thoughts and to understand their thoughts because in my opinion, this is the true sibling love that I can give to them: approachable, considerate, appreciation, and respect.

However, it is the other way around. They just see me as irrational, weird, and bossy all the time. 

I am literally and figuratively exhausted with my life. As if everything arounds me is shattering from my dreams to my mental health. I already had a fair share of problems and challenges in my work and in my life, but I can really feel that I am on the brink of giving up everything and end this pains and sufferings. 

Right now, I am just alone again in my room and this inner demons, I am still fighting are constantly bugging my sanity. I think, this is the right time to approach a professional help to recover and to heal from this madness. 

I entitle this post “One Summer Day” because while streaming to Joe Hisaishi’s One Summer Day from Spirited Away’s soundtrack, I felt nostalgic and hopeful at the same time. Nostalgic because I am doing my best to improve myself and my physical and mental state but, I remembered everything again that I started my journey in exhausting myself for the approval of others and dying within my inner thoughts as I kept on thinking negative vibes and toxicity. 

Through this method, I’m still stagnant with nowhere direction now as frustrations, confusions, and doubts have eaten me during these process. I restrained myself to continue this path by searching enlightenment and answers to avoid my own tragedy I have planned since 2017. 

I am trying to find my inner peace and forgiveness through being kinder to myself first before manifesting my kinder love and care to others as I don’t want anybody felt the dark side of perfectionism and obedience. 

This will comes the feeling I have while listening to Hisaishi’s piano song, Hope. 

The hope that everything is temporary, that hard working and appreciation does not matter to anyone as they have their own motives of living, and that happiness will come after I accept everything within me; my flaws, imperfections, dumbness, and my exceptional uniqueness among other people. 

Through this little feeling of hope, I started to enrolled myself in (3) three self-improvement courses that would not only improve my knowledge and passion in human rights, public service, and interpretation & translation but, it will also improve my confidence towards myself and my abilities and strengths. 

I started looking answers for my mental disability through finding psychologist for my psychotherapy project though I have not yet send my inquiries to my target institution but, I am hoping that this will be a fresh start for my mind and to give my inner self a peaceful sight of life. 

Honestly, I really feel down and alone as I am confronted again of my unresolved problems and challenges, where these inner demons inside of me creeps like a wild flower. 

I am preparing right now for the classes I enrolled recently and for the upcoming major event in my organization. However, since healing process and practicing self-love and care are not a ballet steps that I can memorize in one day, I am observing the little-steps technique to avoid upsetting myself again. 

Better days are like a One Summer Say song of Joe Hisaishi, it may be painful and lonely but, when you survive the chaos and catastrophe, it will be a peaceful and happy. 

For me, I can put myself like the One Summer Day song, the pain that I want to have with me always is nostalgia. 

First and foremost, I would like to congratulate myself for heaving my mind and body to function well and act normal in front of the people so they would not know the struggles and challenges I had encountered for the past (3) three years. I think, it is a blessing and at the same time, a problem for me since I always feel exhausted and down everyday. 

However, since the COVID 19 Pandemic and quarantine lockdowns happened, the physical and support for my family (even though they did not appreciate it, especially my parents) needed the most that I completely ignore myself and my wellbeing. Moreover, I am still fighting this demons causing my episodes to exercise my mental strength in this period. 

Heaving the sense of strength and hope are the most fulfilling part in my self-care and self-love project because I know that I am in the process of healing, and with that, I am truly happy with the initial results. 

I want to congratulate myself for standing firm and strong in the midst of work problems related to management and to my line manager. Throughout this process, I already know within myself that I need to voice out my feelings and opinions in a professional manner to solve any conflicts that rose before the Pandemic happens. I also know that I need to tell everything I saw and heard to provide enough evidence to support my claims. 

I think this is really a challenge for me since I grew up in an environment where individualism is a big taboo. I am just guiding myself to process what was happening around me to keep my adoptive and alertness working. 

The emptiness and hopelessness are still lingering around me but heaving a sigh can at least alleviate these feeling and concentrate more in improving myself and developing necessary lifetime and professional skills that I can use to survive this overdue sadness and exhaustion. 

As I rummage reasons even though, my mind and my heart is still melancholic and dark, I found out that I am still scared not because of failure but, I am scared that my time and efforts will be futile, therefore, there is no reason to try farther.

I know that success will only achieve if efforts and risks are not achieved, but, I am also afraid that countless criticisms and misunderstanding will erupted once I pursue my goals and dreams. I realized also that my greatest dilemma on this youthful age is my duties as eldest, as my mother, sister, and aunt are primarily relied to me either physical, emotional, and social support. It is an exhausted job that even my mind keeps on saying "Do it later or you will fail again”.

Today, I would like to congratulate you for being alive and active again in making things in accordance to your will. Otherwise, you may still feel the pain and sorrow you have been keeping for a long time. 

I want also to congratulate you for first step in reviving your hobbies while adding another one to yourself to improve further your skills in communication and foreign language comprehension. 

Perhaps, not all the roads you have taken are smooth nor rough, but, please keep still and hold your ground and hopes that someday, there will be a peaceful and wonderful future ahead.

Keep smiling and hoping for yourself. Nothing more, nothing less.

Just you and yourself.

Sincerely yours,

1. I prepared and preparing my physical and emotional strength before, during, and after the pandemic and lockdowns.

Since I spent some of my childhood days in Guangzhou, Guangdong Province, China, I was (6) six years old when the SARS epidemic happened in Guangzhou. I had seen how the Cantonese reacted or responded to epidemic since the city was the epicenter of then SARS virus. I even became a “Person under Investigation” as my fever and my cough and colds neither can heal naturally nor using medications.

How the Filipinos committed the acts of hoarding of foods, household necessities, and medical supplies were the same scenarios I remembered in Guangzhou. At the hospital, I remembered how my grandmother in mother’s side begged the attending doctor and nurse to make time to check my symptoms as other doctors and nurses were at their maximum capacities to check every SARS patient.

Although the results of my medical became negative and in this crisis, my family is currently mourning for the deaths of some of my cousins, aunts, and my nanny, I perceived already how my family will be affected again by this new virus at their physical and mental strength.

Therefore, it is much better to prepare the physical and emotional stamina as the environment would be gloomy and depressing. (See the situations in the biggest supermarket in Cavite province)

Doing something beautiful yet productive during a pandemic is a choice but a great opportunity to unleash ourselves from stress and worrisome and our creativity.

Some of us would prefer jotting down their thoughts and emotions in a piece of paper before starting their day and going to sleep, or watching movies and drama series in Netflix, or doing some sketching or calligraphy which what I am doing and investing right now. Doing something intentionally not diverting your attention would be a great break for my physical and mental health.

Since social distancing is strictly implemented, thus, making you unable to visit your family or friends, I am finding someone whom I can talk comfortably with to unload my thoughts and emotions without being judged or misunderstood.

I always remember this mindset that all of these things happened are temporarily. It will not be healthy for me to expose further myself in the depths of anxiety.

2. I am grateful that my job is still needed during COVID 19 Pandemic.

In this reflection, not all of us cannot relate as some of my friends and relatives are in a “No Work, No Pay” set-up and I know that it can cause some financial and mental stress, since, being unemployed during a pandemic is a big impact on survival adeptness. 

However, being a Human Rights worker at Amnesty International - Philippine Section made me realized that my work cannot be halted as there are still marginalization and abuses happened even during COVID 19 Pandemic. The example of this scenario is the government-assistance fight between the poorest of the poor and the middle-class in Philippine Society. 

Because of this, I am grateful that in this difficult time, my job is still stable along with my monthly income, thus, I can still help my family in little ways such as contributing financial support for our monthly expenses and doing some of household choirs to lessen their pains and burdens since we are still in copping - up process due to the deaths of some of our relatives, cousins, and my nanny and my best friend because of COVID - 19.

I am also grateful that my job is stable because I am also saving-up for my expenses in Graduate School and for possible migration process either in China or Australia and my employer puts first the wellness and safety of its staff before anything else. 

3. Being frugal, prepared, and preppy in everything saved me from committing hoarding and panic-buying acts.

Before the COVID 19 Pandemic and Quarantine Lockdowns in Luzon Region, I have a “Minimum Wage” income due to my job at Amnesty International is an entry-level and I also have a limited experience and exposure in NGO works as I was just a volunteer encoder and translator at Save the Children International for only (3) three months.

For me, having a limited budget but have unlimited needs is a biggest challenge for a woman who is still in her early 20s and still figuring out how to handle adulthood properly. Therefore, I explore budgeting apps in Play Store to help me in budgeting anything to address my needs and only buy what I need for a month including hygiene and medicine needs. 

When the government announced the quarantine lockdown to its capital city, I was somehow felt relieved and contented as I already bought anything I need before heading to Cavite that time.

It was a grateful experience for me because being in this personality of frugality, preppy, and preparedness made me a laughingstock to my friends and during this time, where being prepared and traditional saved me from physical and mental stress. 

Throughout these reflections, my last reflection for this post is that, I am hoping that scientist can find an accurate vaccine to save COVID 19 patients who are still fighting for their lives and to those who already left this wonderful world especially to my cousins, my nanny, and my best friend, I am hoping we can still meet and bond with each other in my next lifetime. 

In scientific explanations, it is the way how my parents treated me from childhood to early adulthood that develops my low self-esteem and self-criticisms that I have brought with me until now.

In the context of my personal experience, because of this childhood trauma of neglecting, verbal abuse, and painful lost & grief, I do not know anymore how to get myself up and do anything as I have no energy and motivation to keep moving.

It feels like I am robot and everything becomes repetitive. I am frustrated because I keep on blaming myself for the things and decisions I made throughout this lifetime even my family’s economic and life burdens especially during this pandemic becomes a poison to my mind and to my body. Throughout this day, I have done nothing except sleeping, eating, and binge random watching Youtube videos. Those things becomes a diverting strategy, hoping to lessen my stress and anxiety in everything.

I know, I need to do something to save myself and my sanity from this toxicity and burdens, but, I am also confused on how am I going to express myself with confidence and motivation, if my fears and doubts still hunts me like hell. 

Using this painful realizations in why I am sad, I had a glimpse of sunshine within my sadness and these are:

Accept myself that there are things beyond of my control and;

Seek professional help

Therefore, I am searching for online counseling session since going to hospitals is not advisable due to COVID 19 Pandemic and hospitals nowadays are the major breading site of the virus. 

I am slowly accepting the flow of things recently that did not went well and making myself comfortable because I am still human at the end of the day and I need to feel this to keep me grounded to reality. Perhaps, this month is my lowest month in 2020 as family issues, work-related stress, and self-doubt keeps on running in and out of my mind like a waterfall in a quiet yet dangerous forest.

I am also slowly accepting that my ego is the prime suspect to my deteriorating physical and mental health as I still hinder myself to improve this life I have because I am afraid, failure might comes next after I tried something like what happened before I reached this path. 

Processing acceptance within myself becomes a slight improvement to my wellbeing because I felt at ease and happy to my reflections. I just need to still work my room for improvements and make a realistic and timely healing measurements so I can revamp this lifetime to the fullest. I also decided to look for other avenues to keep my boundaries strong and intact.