round and around

wanting help and not being able to ask for it :’))))

my life is falling apart and i can’t do shit but watch it happen. :’)

anyways no one really listens to me here but hey at least i can sort of semi vent somewhere even if i’m not even comfortable venting when no one is listening.

(loud gay/trans exhaustion)

time to sabotage all of my relationships and self-destruct!

all good resources: schizospec only me, sitting here being a psychotic mess with no one to talk to and no help with anything:

i don’t believe i have real trauma because nothing was ever that bad but it’s gotten to the point where sometimes i try to remember people and i just can’t remember what they look like. i just see random features and then the rest is just scribbled out or blurred.

the best part is knowing no one is going to read these but i guess its good to vent it out somewhere.

me externally: HEHE LOOK AT ME I’M A CLOWN HI HI LOOK AT ME I’M A CUTE CLOWN GIVE ME YOUR LOVE. me internally: (banging my head on the wall) I’M GOING TO KEEP GETTING WORSE BECAUSE I CAN ALREADY BARELY TALK AND I FEEL MY HANDS SHAKE AND SOMETIMES I STRUGGLE WITH BASIC COGNITIVE SKILLS AND I FEEL MYSELF DETERIORATING AND I DON’T KNOW HOW I’M GOING TO KEEP DOING THIS AND NO ONE IS GOING TO HELP ME !!

screaming into the void: i’m so worried about my deterorating mental health and ability to work/function and sooner or later it’s going to affect my ability to take care of my partner and then there will be no point in keeping me around !!