Be the Leaf

Like, I date love rather than messing around and I've never kissed a guy. Never held hands with a guy. Hand my crushes and my Hollywood "boyfriends" but nothing actual. I've been (inlove) with one woman and obvi fucked around with her, but since then I haven't been getting shit. I don't need to. I don't look for sexual partners and I don't masturbate. I don't want to. I just float around afraid to be vulnerable and intimate around men and not really wanting to be with a woman.

My family sometimes sounds worried for me. My dad says that I friendzone every guy who has the hots for me and that it's okay if I'm a lesbian blah blah blah. But here's the thing. All the guys who are into me are guys I feel are below my standards. I have walked by super smokin' babes, but they're not the guys who show that they're into me. I doubt they're even into me. I attract weirdos. So yes, I friendzone every guy who's been into me so far. I think guys are attractive. I love to be with a guy. I also find women attractive but being in a relationship with another girl is not appealing to me right now.

Being in any relationship is unappealing to me right now.

All that incomprehensible gibberish being said, I think it's hilarious that I give off a very sexual vibe. I've been cast as "drunk prostitute", "sexy dominatrix nurse", and "stripper undercover cop" in different things. I have a weird desire to learn how to pole dance and become a gogo dancer at the clubs my uncles work at. I like to read erotic fiction and enjoy movies with elements of super soft core porn, but I don't do anything with them if you catch my drift. Some of my friends damn well believe I should be an underwear model and I probably would not mind doing that at all. I also like to wear clothes that accentuate my assets and maybe reveal a bit of skin.

But then we add the fact that I don't think I'm that hot and it becomes a little more confusing to me. I think I have a pretty attractive face. I'm probably a pretty solid 7 on the "How hot from 1-10" scale. But all the time people comment on something "sexy" that I'm doing. Like, I'll move my hair out of my face and the person I'm with is like "damn that little hair flip was high-class porn star quality" and things just get really awkward for me from that point on. I just kinda go on like "dude why? I look like a mixture of 80s Boy George and young Helen Hunt are you friggin' serious?"