pun queen

Life is not the movies.  You don’t meet a man, establish a connection with him, realize you’re in love with him, have some sort of climatic moment between your friendship, and then he realizes it too.

There’s no man running after you.  There’s no recognition of love in another’s soul in the real world in this manner.  There’s no confession that he loved you from the moment he met you, it just took him some time to figure it out.

You run away from a situation, where maybe you see him interacting with another woman, and he doesn’t chase after you.   That other woman is the way real life goes.  She’s the one with the happy ending.  She’s the one that the man you’re in love with ends up with.  He loves her, and all the time you’re running away.  From your heartbreak, from the fact that this always happens to you.  That you’re always alone.  You’re never good enough.  That this will just happen with the next man you fall in love with.

And maybe it’s not love, but lust.  But you’ve been alone so long you don’t know love FROM lust.  And it doesn’t matter which one it is, because it absolutely destroys another part of your soul every single time.  And you think, well, maybe if I keep doing this to myself, it’ll destroy my soul enough that it’ll stop hurting eventually.  That there will be no piece left and you’ll finally be numb to all the pain.

She whispered, “It took me forever to find him.”

And time took him away too fast

Her hand on the casket

She drew upon his face for the last

Memories as moments

Flashed through her brain

Like the static electricity 

Of lightning before the downpour of rain

The sudden finality of death

No redo’s, no take-backs, no restart

Will forever heighten the gasp of her breath

When his scent on his old clothes wafts through her heart

There are medicines with long names

Intended to numb the pain

But it numbs the entire world around her

Reset

Reformat

Redo

I just want to forget you

It’s not worth it

To lose myself every time

To feel your presence and absolutely lose my mind

You’re killing me

Restart

Renew

Rediscover

Loving myself is better than finding another

I remember the first time I cried about being single

It’s been since I was 16

The sting of loneliness

Has remained inflamed for 14 fucking years

Can I just ‘Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind’ you from my life?

I’m tired of each tear

Dripping down my face

Reminding me that you don’t feel the same way

It’s exhausting

It’s fatiguing

It’s degrading

It’s killing my soul every damn day

I have all these little boxes

I thought I could use

To separate the emotions of my life

And me from you

But their sides fall flat

And everything just becomes one dimensional

The fluidity is beneficial for science

But incompressible for my heart

I require all the strength

And logic I have in my brain

To erase you

Thorin: 120k followers, 0 following, 0 posts

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Fili: So here's another short video of me and my brother @killNoKili pranking our fellow dwarf companion @oooori

Gandalf: [Bio] Gandalf. Wizard. Collecting pipes. I do not know a boy named Harry and I did not betray him!!!

Legolas: *posts a pic of a pile of dead orc corps* captioned: Guess who did it? – It me! Leggy was here xoxo

Bard: #mcm It's still the Elven king who starts with T– and ends with –hranduil ;)

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Elrond: Captions are the length of an epic novel, mostly random deep political and philosophical ramblings

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Tauriel: #tbt Remember when the king banned me but his son didn't give two shits? Haha good times

Dain: *has 15 fake accounts to post hate comments on Elf accounts*

Azog: DAY 24 #fitness #progress #muscle #workout #goals #instafit #muscleandhealth #stamina #fitnessphysique

this is how i feel about my raynaud’s finger, or as my boyfriend likes to call it, ‘moldy finger’

Visited with a hand surgeon who's familiar with Raynaud's complications.  At this point it seems like there are limited options for me.  He does not do botox injections as treatment; he has been researching it after hearing/seeing success of another Raynaud's patient (and he just amputated 3 of her fingers :x ... she's in her 50s though and dealt with this her whole life, hopefully not the case with me).

His advice is he's going to keep researching the botox, work with insurance to try to get it covered, and then start using it on patients (but who knows how long that would take).  Another option is surgery on the nerves that have tensed up.  That could be on just the part of my hand where the nerves run up to my index finger, or more towards my wrist to prevent this from happening in the rest of my fingers (leaving me with huge scars across my hand).  To me that seems extreme.  Another option is to go to pain management where they can numb the nerves in my entire arm and that can help with the nerve spasms.  A final option is to fight my insurance to get coverage of the specialist at U of C who deals specifically with these issues.  A consultation with him is $500, out of pocket, up front.

To test out blood flow to the area, he gave me a local injection of lidocaine and something else to numb my index and middle finger; it hurt like a mofo, and it feels SO SO weird.  He would then press on the skin and see if it discolored and turned pink, which it did, so I think it was a good sign of blood flow.

Right now I still feel like I have more questions than answers.  How much time do I have?  Will it get worse and I can lose my whole finger?  Will I lose the tip of it?  He confirmed that the black splotch that has appeared is gangrene.  Will I have to have that part cut off?  How will this affect the rest of my health?

My finger is feeling ok today.  No swelling, limited pain (i.e. not enough to take the norco), but it’s still got the black spot, still numb, and still not getting better.  Finally found a hand surgeon in network who is familiar with complications from Raynaud’s.

Was able to drive yesterday.  Hopefully made some decent cash, but I’m still short on my rent.  And all the medical bills are showing up.  When it rains, it pours.

https://fundrazr.com/campaigns/2xWK8/ab/e4b993

so the vascular surgeon basically scared the shit out of me saying stuff along the lines of ‘amputation’ and ‘ischemia’ and ‘necrosis’.  i need to see a specialist, but of course he’s not in network.  please help.  i have been crying nonstop all day and am so afraid waiting to get treatment will result in me losing my finger :(

https://www.giveforward.com/fundraiser/bp28/laney-s-hand-up