A Punch in The Face

I’m currently the FP of a someone who has all of the traits of either BPD or NPD.

I asked the suspected pwNPD/BPD if they can simply take accountability for their part in an issue and it’s been such a struggle for them to do so that their reaction has been a full scale dramatic melt down. They have done everything from blaming me for ruining their night to claiming they are having breathing issues and chest pains to breaking up with me …again (I’ve lost count at this point at how many times they have done this).

In response to her meltdown, I’ve made her tea and served her that with chocolate.

What is the thing I wanted her to take accountability for?

Unresolved baggage that’s impacting our relationship. To simply admit that she has it and that’s it’s happening. It’s a blatant fact.

And it’s so difficult for her to admit it that she’s going into full blown panic.

It’s really bewildering to me and also exhausting to deal with. Any sane human being would be able to clearly see that this is obviously the case and vouch for the more peaceful option in the relationship, which is to simply admit the reality as a means to validate their partners observation and create a pathway to healing.

Instead, she chooses to gaslight and argue.

I know that I should probably just leave. This cycle of her delusions seem never ending.

What is holding me back?

Why do I keep staying?

I've fallen off of the healing bandwagon as a CD with CPTSD for far too long. My physical, mental, financial, and personal satisfaction well-being has fallen astray. I will attempt to repair what has been lost starting right now.

Looking at this, it's very difficult to come up with anything because that's how far gone I am right now... But I will make my best efforts.

I've been in the throws of a very toxic relationship with someone who has most, if not all, of the traits of NPD or BPD for the past two months-ish... My fault, as the signs were there and I let what I thought was a sincere connection with her get the best of me.

1. What I’m grateful for today: My amazing friends. My disappearance has been noticed and they have expressed that my absence has been missed. There seems to be a authentic support system there. I hope they will still be there for me when I return and that I haven't let myself fallen astray for too long. If so, I will have to face whatever consequences lie ahead and move forward.

What I am noticing-- The NP (or BPD) person from the toxic relationship criticizes and ridicules my friends/support system and makes false drama-fueling accusations about them that are never ending. Such as saying I have a love/romantic intention with them when I don't. I feel like I am always walking on eggshells and cannot freely enjoy my friendships without her creating delusions about the nature of my relationships with my friends and interactions with others. It's exhausting and uncomfortable. I feel suffocated by her insecurities. She could have easily been included or added to my circle of friends as another part of the family, but she has-- instead -- chosen to isolate me from everyone. They have noticed.

2. One thing I accomplished today: This attempt to journal and confront myself and do some type of inner reflection.

What I am noticing: She is walking in. I might have to close this now.

3. My favorite moment of the day

I modified it, eventually, and added these:

4. One thing I’m looking forward to

5. A new original joke (for creative purposes)

6. The same joke reworked, if necessary

7. Something I am realizing

She’s a clinical fever dream of a narcissistic wonderland of a human being.  Possibly borderline personality.  Possibly on the cusp of sociopathic.  The lines feel blurred at some point.  It’s easy to get lost and lose track of reality when on the roller coaster ride of her delusions. 

“They call me Jane.”

Back when I was getting therapy with Nathan (during the pandemic) from the Coalition in Ventura, he had me keep a daily journal. It was extremely helpful and was likely a major tool in my recovery by helping focus on perspective.

He had me write three things daily:

1. What I’m grateful for today

2. One thing I accomplished today

3. My favorite moment of the day

I modified it, eventually, and added these:

4. One thing I’m looking forward to

5. A new original joke (for creative purposes)

6. The same joke reworked, if necessary

I’ve been going through a lot lately after buying some authentic moldavite (had it checked out and it’s real). It could be totally coincidental but moldavite crystals are from an asteroid impact and the gemstones are known to create rapid change in one’s life and it’s really punched me in the face in both a good and bad way. I’m sure a lot of it is a blessing in disguise. I just need to figure out how to navigate all of it.

In fact, here is another one I think I should add:

7. Something I am realizing

8. How I plan to manage this reality