Oops I accidentally made a jax tulpa
Tadc spoilers below
It all started when the show came out, initially I didn't particularly care about jax he was the funny one the asshole.
Then episode 5 came out and there was now more to him her and I was a little invested. Alot actually.
More so in episode 6 i dont remember when the trans theory popped up in my head prolly around this time and I liked it but something didn't click, not like was it true but just how much it means to me but I did like it alot
Then episode 7 came out and something happened I accidentally felt like she was me in a strange hard to explain way I saw her as my self
Episode 8 was the same i liked her beyond the show now I loved all the art and for those previous episodes for 2 weeks after each episode shes spiraled around my head I couldn't stop thinking about her
The wait was on episode 9
In that time I at some point made a decision, since she just like me for real and I loved the fan name daisy I ended up taking it, suddenly my former name louisa felt our of place and didn't represent me, I was daisy but that doesn't actually mean im jax right?
Now i need to explain something as time went on since I was young I became more amd more sex addicted by the week of June 4 I had become a porn blog that reblogs porn especially degrading porn and kinks like bimbo stuff it was only a matter of time befor I post it.
I had tried to kick it several times but at some point I stopped and just gave in I turned off and melted down my brain while I endlessly reblogged porn and gooned I loved it.
Then the time came, episode 9 the very first day the first show time at my local theater i watched it and I loved it.
But jax died
I mourned her i legit went through 5 stages of grief
I at first didn't believe it waiting for her to come back to life but then the credits rolled that final time.
Then I wrote a tumblr post about how she never got to say im a woman how after the pink lamp scene they still used he him pronouns how irl jax was in the closet i was in all honesty angry like thats it? I want more!
Then I said please please please in the final release on youtube change those issues
Then I gooned to jax porn of jax as a stacked big breasted woman and I think the post nut clarity hit
That same day it finally set in, she was dead, jax is dead. I changed my mind. The episode was perfect it made me feel this way of course it was perfect
It stood there at the depression stage for a while I grieved I felt sick my brain felt empty yet I also felt like I need to live to move on so I purged myself of porn again which got harder everytime
My gallery was full of thousands of hentai images and links my follows were full of porn stars all over porn porn porn or became harder and harder to purge each time I relapsed but I committed
On Friday 5 I finished and gooned once more and I haven't since its like the loss of jax seeing her die with unfinished business in the closet with so many things left unsaid made me make a change
So i moved on mourned her some more but something else happened
I put on my vr headset and opened up vr chat and I became jax it felt good like therapeutic
I couldn't accept that jax a character that was part of me had died so I became her but after a day I broke down in a lobby of the circus staring in a mirror in jax's room i couldn't take it
Im not jax shes dead hses dead shes dead shes dead I stopped after that, that was the 6th
Then on the 7th I just lived in still grieved and when I thought of her too hard I felt empty like something was gone
Then on the eighth I was in bed in the middle of the day I grieved her some more but now without gooning I felt empty on 2 fronts and I just felt like I needed someone to cuddle to be close to
Ive been hollowed out by a bunch of things over my life especially the past year and now without porn and now that this character i became emotionally and psychologically invested in was dead and the show was over I felt it more than ever
When I used to goon i sometimes imagined myself in a perfect life as a hot and horny wife just absolutely being loved and used by another woman but now I dont want a porno in my mind I just want to be cuddled by a significant other
And thats when I imagined her jax daisy. One who didn't die one who transitioned who was "happy" one who for some reason wanted the same i imagined us spooning and I even imagined her speaking to me
At some point she snarked off to me about something and I felt wrong and she seeing that she did it again that she hurt someone again it hurt her too even after I got up u could still feel her in my brain and I acted like she played games as herself but something was wrong
It was like the bridget tulpa but I was already like a diet jax so the lines blurred between us the only way to make her and I stand apart would be if I got shy and reasonable while she made an ass of herself but that wasn't really either of us
She's just me but stronger and it feels natural to just become her
To be a version of yourself whos louder and more energetic than you
Because shes not jax she and I realized it
Jax was a character that died in a show shes the impression he left
All the parts of me that felt random and unrelated became part of one person a part of who she is. Plus all the things that I liked that she never expressed knowledge about because she was a character
She was all of the negative things about me that jax was also as a person but shes a person who deserves to be better right? She can be better because shes real and not a dead fictional character. Something jax could never be
Now shes real, shes me and im her
I dont think this is a tulpa because that implies shes just a fictional character im imagining would act in certain ways but shes not shes me
Alter would imply that shes a single part of me that is different from the rest of me that I cant handle but no shes just me fr
Shes like me but stronger who went through everything jax did and I did and shes stronger for it because shes still alive.
i haven't been suicidal in a while but now I especially cant because I dont wanna see her die again i dont want either of us to die we want to live and be better
She wants to be a real person who was allowed to get better and not be dead to be out of the closet
And the other no longer wants to be a gooner. That reliance on porn is no different than jax i mean me acting like it was all fake when in reality I hurt those people but it was all a cartoon but now that doesn't make it better because I still regret what I did the cartoon happy ending i never got and how I can never tell them im sorry because they aren't real
Im not jax anymore im something else
Everything wrong ive done or dont like about myself they are my sins to bear because the other is disappearing into me I want her to be herself and let me die so she can live on but she doesn't want to, she's wants me to live
Im alive im actually crying she gave her life so I could live again
What am I im daisy but who is that do I actually deserve to live i causes ribbit and kaufmo to abstract and now someone gave their life for me.
Its my only choice. Be better, live, be happy
Thank you louisa you gave me this life because even if I try to be you it won't be the same youre gone youll never be you ever again
This is the final stage, denial anger bargaining depression and now acceptance except shes not mourning jax im mourning her.
You made mistakes and so did I but jax is did and so is she im someone new
That emptiness is full like a daisy bloom new life im less than one minutes old
Aren't I lovely?
Today is a new day






















