Rambles of a Girl With ADHD

verbal filters are a myth invented by the government

i went on wikipedia to look up sources for an essay but somehow i ended up reading about the history of meridian cannons

“did i eat dinner tonight?” *checks bin* *finds empty microwave meal packet* “wait is this from today or yesterday” 

always needing something in your hands to play with

okay i know you’re talking to me about something important but i can’t stop staring at that woman’s weird hat and now it’s leading me on a train of thought that has occupied my entire attention span

talking so fast you literally forget to breathe

i just read three pages of this book and i know i was paying attention but somehow i remember absolutely none of it

whoops i don’t have any plans for today so i guess i’ll just Die

being unable to remember the names of people you’ve known for months and talk to every day

panic attacks

“adhd was made up by millenials to justify kids with behavioural problems and underachievers”

-clenches fists-

You’re going to be okay, you’re strong and i’m proud of you. Catch your breath and wash your face. Grab something to drink or to eat and remember to take any medications if you need to, okay? 

You’re amazing for making it so far into life; thank you for staying alive. 

You have instructions written down. You don’t need them, but you check them anyway. Somehow they’re different from what you remember. Have they changed since you tucked the paper in your pocket? 

You realize that you’ve lost your train of thought. You can’t remember what you were thinking before. There is only your present thought, now a loop of panic at your lost memory. 

You stop in the middle of a room. Why are you here? Which room did you come from? You leave the room and remember what you were going to do. You walk back into the room. Why are you here? 

You bring up an inside joke with a friend. They look at you blankly. They do not remember this joke. But you were there when I made it, you argue. They were not. They are not the friend you are thinking of. You realize it was your other friend, from work instead of high school, with blond hair instead of brown, tall instead of short. You do not know how these two friends are so similar in your mind. 

You refer to every experience as happening “the other day.” Was it three years ago or yesterday? You try to remember context clues. Time is not real. 

Someone asks you for an important piece of information. You have not thought about it since you saved it on your computer, labelled very clearly. You search through your files. It is not there. You find it days later by accident, labelled with a cryptic set of codes. You don’t know why you would label it this way. No one else uses this computer but you. 

You are running late. You are always running late. 

You have lost something. You check everywhere. You check everywhere again. Someone tells you to think of when you last had it. You don’t tell them that is the problem. 

There’s two options:

1. YAY THIS IS AWESOME I LOVE DOING THIS I COULD DO IT FOR HOURS WITHOUT EVEN BLINKING OR LOSING FOCUS

There is a stigma I’ve noticed attached to ADD and ADHD. It’s a joke for so many people, dismissing it saying everyone has it. Or saying it is overly diagnosed. Or saying it’s an excuse for forgetfulness or restlessness.

It’s not a fucking joke. Not to the people who actually have it.

People like me.

It’s not funny, it’s not a joke or excuse.

So stop it. Just stop it. It’s relevant and real and difficult.