Proj.Liee

A lot of realizations come when you are back in the place where you used to thrive, before all this shit came crashing in.

I don't know, Lord. This "dream" won't go away; You're not removing it. Is it because I already have it? It's practically impossible, but You're the God of all things possible. I honestly don't know how this will pan out but I know you will never put me in harm's way.

Hear me out.

I think I know why I am so impatient about arriving at the next chapter or the next stage of my life where everything is good.

I am the friend who is babysat. I am the friend who is always being taken cared of by her friends. I am blessed with friends who do this wholeheartedly and love me unconditionally. I am grateful. I am blessed. I am thankful... but I am also in a constant state of wanting to give back to them and I've been in this stage of my life where I can't give back to them yet. I think that's part of where my frustration lies. Like Lord give me the chance to take care of my friends now. Let me be the one who tells them "I got it," or "Ako na bahala." Because it's always been me who has been on the receiving end of their goodness. I feel like all I do is take.

I know they will debate me on this, telling me this is not true. But this is how I see it. I feel like I'm doing my friends a great disservice by just taking and taking and taking. I mean it's not for lack of trying to repay their kindness, you know. It's just that I don't really have a lot and what I have is abstract. I want to take care of them the way thay have been taking care of me. So that's why sometimes my impatience and frustration rear their ugly heads.

I am being taught patience at the moment, so I know there's a lot to unpack and learn with how I've been processing things. I just wish I get to that point where I can give back.

Should I put this under a cut?

Anyway...

I don't know why I get these episodes of yearning that are so strong that I am driven to tears... or maybe I do know why, but I don't really understand it? Does that make sense. I'm not making sense.

I just yearn. I can't really articulate what I'm yearning for; it seems like this monolith of things that I want to do and be. But I think my crying episode last Sunday somehow got my point across. That's how I feel several days a month.

I'm typing this now and I'm just feeling it. I guess that's what I should do. Cry it out. Rest. Try to focus on studying. Try to understand why this is how my life is going.

Like I said, I can't articulate what I feel in a way that would explain what my mode is right now. Even if I yearn so hard that I cry, there's that peace I feel when I put myself in that place where I yearn to be. Like in my head. And I guess I just want to feel like that all the time. God knows I need a lot of comforting.

This... I'm just babbling.

I lit sage today and doused myself in salt water. I hope this helps whatever I'm feeling.

I hope you both feel better after all the rituals you do on this night. May your breakthroughs break through. I'm wishing only the best for you, your lives, your careers, your circumstances.

This is just train of thought, so forgive me if what I write don't seem cohesive.

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There's a hard line where the old me died and the new me was born if you're going to base it off the entries on this blog. It still gets to me. I still can't believe I was that person. I don't mean to sound like I'm looking down on my old self. It's not that. It's more like... how did I survive that long? How did I let myself be that for that long? I was blind (or turned a blind eye) to a lot of things, but now that I have chosen to see them, I can't unsee. It is a blessing, yes, but it really took me out of the comfort zone that is my uncomfortable life.

Seeing how things are in the present made me realize a lot of things. I know I have recounted some of these to you. I still get some new realizations from time to time and at this point I'm just astounded how foolish I was to let things happen the way they did. I was misaligned. If my life was a spine, it would have severe scoliosis.

But I also realized like, ah, that's why some things did not push through, why some things didn't happen. It probably wasn't part of God's plan for me. I wasn't aligned. It's why I never got out of this black hole.

And then one day, or over the course of several days and weeks, it started to change. It started to turn. Life seemed possible now, if you get what I mean. It still feels weird to have this much hope for the future, and this much excitement, and this much CERTAINTY that I'm so SURE that the things I'm praying for will happen. I used to pray and hope, sure, but it was just all on the surface. Underneath that flimsy exterior, I was broken and hopeless. So that must be why I wanted to die all the time.

I prayed for clarity when I started this journey back to faith, back to God. Sometimes you wouldn't like what God shows you. It is what it is. I needed that clarity. Some things hurt to see, to know, to realize, but I needed that clarity. I thank God for clarity all the time.

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Do I hate this year? I mean how could I, when this is the year the Lord took me out of the dark and kept holding my hand. This is the year I found myself again. This is the year I opened up to my oldest friends again. This is the year I was honest with whatever's been happening in my life. I don't love 2025, but I'm grateful for what it allowed me to do, what it allowed me to be. What it's allowing me to be.

There's still A LOT to work on with myself, with my life, with this tangled web that I wish to get out of but for the first time in my life I'm excited for the future. All things are possible. It's still a weird feeling. It's like I can't believe this is my life now.

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Gratitude.

It wasn't like I was an ungrateful wench all my life, but I was so deep in the trenches that I couldn't see the light of whatever blessings God gave me. I feared good things because I knew the other shoe would fall and something bad will happen. That's how I used to be.

Apart from my other friend's advice to surrender EVERYTHING to God, Vhai's advice about gratitude is one that really impacted my life. Now I see God in everything. I see the blessing in everything, even the smallest things. It feels peaceful. It feels calm. It makes you realize how you have been surrounded by blessings all this time. Even the simple thing of being woken up from sleep every morning is a blessing.

And with that I would like to thank you guys for being my anchors, for supporting me through all this. I just pray for all of us all the time that we all be enlightened, that we all stay healthy and happy, that we all get clarity to make us see things clearly. I pray that we deserve the things we pray for. I pray that God gives us the things we pray for. I really couldn't have made it if God didn't place you guys in my life. Sometimes I feel emo about the fact that God planted this friendship seed in us when we were so young. And of all the people in that school, we were the ones who ended up friends, and are still friends to this day. God works through everything and the more I go through this faith journey, the more I see the way God works even when we think nothing is happening. So we trust. He will take care of us all. He is taking care of us all.

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You know what's on my mind and in my heart. I just... That's my constant. And if this isn't truly for me, Lord, please make me lose interest. Please take it away.

There's 19 of these already? Wow.

I'm just stalling from studying because parang inaatake na naman ako ng ADHD, yung tipong ang dami kong gusto gawin sabay-sabay habang nag-aaral so I just stopped muna tapos I decided to write here. Wala lang din. I just felt like writing, make konting kwento. You'll see how scattered my thoughts are because the topics will probably be all over the place.

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The super typhoon (Uwan/Fu-Wong) just passed and the fact that there are barely any casualties (although the best number of casualties would be ZERO) is a miracle. It's a reason to be thankful for. Thank God for that. I am grateful. My anxiety over this typhoon has been high. Prayed for it to weaken and all that. I know a lot of people did, too. Thank God for the Sierra Madre, although that does not diminish the damage it caused on the coastal towns. It was a bitch of a typhoon. But I'm glad it's peaceful and quiet now. Oh, Lord. No more of this, please.

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I wrote about this in the actual physical journal, but lately, I feel like things are slooooowly falling into place. Not in a big way. Slowly. It makes me stop what I'm doing sometimes when I realize it. And lately I've been remembering things somewhat connected to this thing I'm praying for. Maybe it's confirmation bias, maybe it's the Lord, who knows? I just keep praying for this thing, for the things leading up to it, for the preparation I need to undergo to receive it. And I do pray that if this is not for me, to banish it out of my heart completely.

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I think I wrote or talked about this before, but I used to hate my name when I was younger. It was too formal, too lang, and I've been hearing the same things, the same jokes about it since I was a little child. So I didn't really like it. It evokes a different mental image from what I see myself as, or even how I look like and present myself. I just felt really detached and far away from it.

As I've gotten older, however, I realized being named that contributed to me becoming who I am. I was wrong for thinking that my name could only represent women who act and look a certain way, when there's me who doesn't really fit that image. I feel like I could make it come across as there's no one way for Filipinas to be. I don't mean this to be in a manic pixie dream girl, pick-me girl kind of way, but like... we can all coexist in the same space and be celebrated for what we are and what we have become and what we can become. Wala lang.

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Things I'm grateful for (a random list)

The super typhoon weakening and not taking many lives. Prayers for those who perished (2 at the time of this writing). I hope the people who lost their homes get the help they need to rebuild.

My cat is sleeping and not actively fighting with me or demanding my attention. This is probably because I turned the aircon on at the appointed time (appointed by his Majesty, Soju the Persian). This cat loves me hahaha.

I think I'm thankful for the ability to still learn new things. I think my brain is finally cooperating. All those 40Hz gamma audios (many variations) I've been listening to probably work. I realize I'm retaining what I'm studying. Maybe the next step is for me to actually speak or talk to myself in the actual language I'm studying. I realize I know more than I think.

The Lord's provision, always. Sometimes I really don't know how it gets to me, but it gets to me. I am able to live and not drown. I can even dream again.

I haven't had collarbones showing in a long while, and they're starting to show. They're not obvious yet, but they're starting to show themselves lol. It's not a requirement, but they're kinda nice to see again.

I cried so much in October. So much.

It was part anxiety, part depression, part hormones, part grief and mourning. October was exhausting and I think I was holding my breath and had my jaw clenched the entire time, bracing myself for the worst. So to be honest, I was bracing myself for no reason because nothing really happened and for that I'm grateful. This month had been so busy though.

While October might be exhausting, it is not without blessings. September was spent praying for clarity. October was spent pleading with God to never let go of my hand. All the tears I cried and all the feelings I've been feeling the entire month put up a red flag in me. I felt I was starting to slip. I prayed harder. I prayed for peace and calm. Thank God I was given that. And I was blessed with reasons to smile, reasons to keep standing. This may sound weird but I just feel like I'm in constant conversation with God and that my spirituality is evolving still. For this I'm grateful. Always. In all ways.

I still have a lot to learn, but the important thing is I'm learning. Di ba ganun naman gusto natin mangyari? Fall forward. Move forward. I do wish for a day where I don't have to give anything I don't want to give.

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That writing thing that I was a semi-finalist at, I joined that not exactly on a whim but I was on a stretch of getting my goals sorted and having this goal that if I say I will join a contest, I will. It was nice to have that sense of accomplishment of actually submitting something and have judges actually like it enough to shortlist it? Even if I did not become a finalist (they released the finalist list today), I was still happy because I got so far. Also I don't think I could promote that, given the story I submitted hahahaha. I could show you if you want. It's too on-the-nose and kinda asking for trouble.

Nevertheless, it felt like a pat on the back from God, like an affirmation of the things I'm praying for, that it's not as impossible as I deem it to be, that I should continue with this path.

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Emman Atienza's death kinda triggered me, but it made me open up with some co-workers (far too casually) that I once tried to kill myself at that age. I could talk about it now because I feel like I'm far from that person now, that it's something I can share now as a learning lesson. And that conversation with my co-workers ended up with learning a lot about them as well, and also possibly finding a psychologist to help diagnose possible Au/DHD that I suspect I have. And this psychologist could possibly help me with therapy as well. So I'm glad. Something came out of it.

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I'm grateful for a lot of things.

My friends.

The group chat.

That we were able to have a session this month. I'm glad I'm able to go these past couple of times.

Vhai's vision that she told me about a while back, that I pinned in our chat, that I've been thinking about lately.

All the ice cream at ICEGEX.

Stress-free co-workers even with our stressful jobs during these stressful holidays.

These language lessons. I'm so excited every day. Like I have a purpose.

Making art again. I feel like I'm myself again.

That thing I'm praying to God about. Thanking him already for it.

The Lord's provision.

I cried so much in October. So much. And if you cried a lot too, may these tears water the blessings we will get for the rest of the year and beyond.

The past couple of weeks has been difficult for me. IF I had been as unhinged as I was before, I would have lost it. I can't imagine feeling like this and not have an anchol to rely on, do you know what I mean? I don't know how I would have behaved if I didn't have my quiet times and my constant conversations with God, pleading for a calm heart, calm hormones, a calm mind. Like I said, it felt like the devil was whispering garbage in my ear, trying to derail me.

I'm in this precarious (not really, but maybe a bit) stage of my life where I'm not trying to tip over at the moment. I'm exhausted because it takes a lot of effort to put on a normal face for work and for life. It takes a lot of effort to function well (still) because I have no choice. I have a job to do. My problem is I can feel it crawling in my skin, the very distinct ache of not being where I want to be yet.

Patience. Being still. The Lord is teaching me to be patient, to wait, to trust. I honestly don't doubt that the things I have prayed for are mine. The question is am I worthy yet to receive it? Am I ready? Also, this prayer will happen in stages. One cannot happen without the other. Parang may pre-requisites sya. Steps. Levels. I know in my heart I am still in the process of preparation, and preparation feels like being churned into pulp. I'm not ready yet. And whatever I'm praying for may not be ready yet for me. It's all preparation.

It pains me. I'm human. That's why I've been praying a lot, because who else do I tell my agam-agam to? And I'm very thankful that God doesn't get tired of me talking to him every 3 seconds about the very same thing. He knows my heart. He knows my mind. He understands this is not borne out of a lack of trust. I'm probably just very excited.

But oh, Lord, I'm so tired of crying... even if crying does lighten the heaviness I feel. At the moment, I feel better. The sadness was partly hormonal and I'm on my period now (TMI, yes, I don't care lol) so a lot of the fog has lifted. I never liked crying even when I was younger. But right now, what can I do? If I don't cry it out, I'll walk around with a heavy heart and heavy shoulders.

I'm not in any danger; I'm just not where I want to be, where I should be.

But still... I'm grateful:

You know, whenever I'm about to spiral, God sends me something -- a sign I asked for, or something funny. God always sends something that makes me laugh or cheers my heart up. Grateful I can still find things funny.

Look, I have food to eat and a roof over my head. That's God's provision.

I'm not sick. No one in my life is sick. Even if my parents make my blood pressure rise, at least they're not sick sick, do you know what I mean?

Grateful for the opportunity to pray. Honestly. I never had that before.

The opportunity to have language lessons, and I'm grateful that I'm actually progressing lately.

Art inspiration. Currently sketched Vhai's and I sketched Part 2 of my 인연 series. Will start on Vhai's in November (because I'm just trying to normalize my work schedule) and also I do have language lessons. But I earmarked November for that. My hope is I could hand it by December. :)

Steadily getting out of debt, which is nice. Still a long way to go, but I don't feel like drowning anymore. Sometimes I have flashbacks of the feeling I felt a couple of months ago, and so I'm grateful for the opportunity to redirect and deflect these thoughts back to the present time. Grateful for everyone of you who helped keep me from drowning.

If I write less here, that's because Vhai gave me a journal and I write a lot there. :)

Sometimes I think I'm delusional for thinking God will answer my prayers not because He won't... but because I don't think or I can't believe that I deserve such blessing. It's not because I don't have faith. I believe it's set; the Lord will give it to me at the right time, when I'm ready, when everything's ready and it's just a matter of when.

But do I deserve it? Me? What have I done to deserve it?

But then... God loves us, scars and all. We are blessed not because of who we are but because of who HE is.

I'm just grateful that Baks is recovering from her (seemingly) sudden illness. Here's the thing: If you don't make time to rest, your body will force you to. And it's not as fun as when you schedule resting/decompressing time yourself.

I'm glad you're on your way to recovery now, meds are working, Bubuy's also doing okay na.

Just please let's all try to not let illness get that far again.

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I'm also grateful that I have friends, you guys, our barkada. I truly wouldn't know how I'll fare without the friendship. We were just kids alphabetically seated in class and now here we are. So thank you for you.

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As for me, I'm just really looking forward to God's future, God's plan. It's probably the only thing that keeps me going, although I would have to admit that later today I was so close to asking God to put me in a coma. This PMS is PMS-ing. I was listening to calming sounds and my praise playlist and also some Grace Prayer audio. It helped. But I hope tomorrow is better. It feels like the devil is whispering despair in my ears, that there's no way out of this, that I shall be stuck here for the rest of my life. It's kind aoverwhelming.

Right now as I type this, I'm doing okay. Chilling. Watching TV Patrol on Youtube and getting ready for language class. It's Friday tomorrow. I think I have work to take home this weekend, and then the next week is going to be busy. I wish December 31 na, to be honest.

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I need to get better in redirection, anxiety management, and I need to get my life together truly.

All throughout the day I just had so many thoughts that I wish I wrote them down as soon as I thought of them... but I cannot possibly do that in the middle of Mass. So as always, these will be piece-meal, seemingly random, and medyo disjointed:

There's a Bible verse that seems to follow me -- Habakkuk 2:3. It's a very reassuring verse to me at least. And I understand when the algorithms on my devices decide to show it to me since I like similar posts. It's still a nice surprise when I come across it online. However, it was part of the 1st Reading today. At Mass. And honestly, all readings today were about the themes I'm pursuing like faith, patience, waiting on the Lord. I actually saw it was part of the reading when I looked up what the readings were for today. I was rendered speechless because... wow? I am in this waiting season... praying for something and waiting on God. The Lord is preparing me for what I prayed for and I cannot hurry it. I will get it when it's the right time. There are a lot of metaphors we can employ to explain this, but one that stands out is that God planted this dream in me, this prayer, this desire. So now he is tending to it. He is watering it, making sure it grows best. I need to wait before I can see the fruits of that seed, that dream come to fruition. I sometimes think am I delusional for thinking God say yes to THAT? It seems impossible, but nothing is impossible with God. Separate friends have told me that our God is a big God. We cannot put Him in a box of a human's failures and limitations. What is impossible to us is but nothing to Him. I think I'm projecting my limitations to my prayer, my dream, my desire and I should stop doing that. I need to be still. God is working on it. And one day I will get it. I have asked Him that if this prayer, this dream, is not for me, to make me lose interest, to take it away, to make me not want it anymore. As of this writing, that dream is what keeps me going.

Sometimes I think I pray to God too much that He must be sick of me. But it's really nice to have someone to talk to that you know fully listens to whatever you say, right? My prayers throughout the day are mixed. Sometimes I just stop to pray about my life and my dream -- THAT dream -- and sometimes it's a quick Thank you for even the littlest thing... Last Friday, because it rained and it was, well, Friday, I had a difficult time booking a ride home. I tried for like an hour and drivers just canceled on me when they got nearby. It was so frustrating. I decided to just eat dinner alone at a restaurant nearby. I got to relax, eat, spend some me time as I watch Quezon Avenue's horrible traffic. I thanked God for the provision and the foresight to do that. I prayed for a safe ride home, and I just thought that the rides who canceled on me are not for me, that the Lord is keeping me safe. I booked a ride around 8pm and it was a pretty smooth ride. We didn't get stuck in traffic much because it was 8pm already. My patience was really tested that day, but I think I passed. I was calm. Was that a test, Lord? I admit it was frustrating especially as I was trying to book rides for an hour. But I was calm. Didn't throw a tantrum.

Another test... I thought I would be at the Super Junior concert last Saturday but God had other plans. I thought I was fine with it. I really was, but I couldn't help but feel just a teeny tiny bit sad at that situation. But I know I had to choose being a responsible adult and steward the resources handed to me responsibly. And also, God did say no. Clearly.

As for my prayer, my main one... I know I sound delusional but I think God said yes. And that has been my source of comfort and calm. As a makulit person, I do confirm from time to time, not that I don't believe in God and his power, but I just wanted to make sure these are not my thoughts or the enemy talking. God said yes, but not yet. But I have been given reassurances. And what I need to do is to be still. Prepare. Wait and pray. I wish I could tell people about it. For now, I only have God to talk to about this. I get reassurances, though. And for those I'm thankful.

Pastor David Hwang from Jubilee Church in Seoul has this series of lectures about the non-violence of God, and one of the things he says is that how you perceive God is how you relate to and with him. Like do you see God as a vengeful, violent God? Or do you see him as a loving father? It just makes me think a lot about how I see Him because even with the Bible stories of destruction, I never feared God in that way? My fear of God is fear of disappointing him, of failing him (which I have done countless times, I'm sure). But my perception of God is that of a loving father, always. Your dad wants the best for you, his daughter. He will admonish but he will also guide. He will allow storms, but he will also make sure I can handle it. He holds our hand through everything. Our life won't be a life without problems, but he strengthens us. We need to trust him, put our whole lives in his hands. And sometimes surrender happens more than once. I'm human. I'm learning. But the things I did surrender fully, I have seen him work through them to protect me.

I'm excited to see how this all works out. It's not going to be easy, but I'm looking forward to it. For now, my job is to wait and prepare as he prepares me.

I got teary in church again earlier. Because of Anima Christi (yes, the song). It just makes my heart go to my throat.

Earlier today as I sat on my ride home I had a thought come to me: What if I just kept the peace, kept status quo, and just went back to how things were -- me swallowing myself and making myself small, continually doing things for others, forgetting my own interests, losing interest in my own interests, ond basically forgetting and ignoring myself again, crawling back into my hole to be quiet so that no one would be uncomfortable with what I want with my life. It felt like th devil whispering lies to my ear. It did make me sad for a bit. A bit lang. Like I told you before, I will actively redirect any thoughts like that.

Because why would I voluntarily do that? I know the answer, of course. You know the answer. It's force of habit to be the peacekeeper, to not disrupt lives, but I do know they come at MY expense somewhat. I already feel like I wasted so many years pining after what I truly want to do. That time is gone now. And this new era is one where I decide to make myself happy, no matter how long it takes. It won't be easy but at least I know I will be in a good place once I truly subscribe to what I want to do.

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The past week has been great for me. I started waking up more peaceful. I had less anxiety --- like way less. I only had a bout of anxiety when I had strong coffee the other day, and even that is my fault. I guess I'm learning to regulate? Or I'm learning to accept peace? Maybe my prayers are working in that I am being trained to be peaceful? I'm not quite sure, but I do feel better compared to, say, a month ago? Wow, it's only been a month?

I have a very distorted sense of time these days.

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I know I've told you guys this before in passing, and in chat, but as parents, you guys are doing a great job raising your kids. I hope you guys know that. I know when you're deep in an episode or an issue or a problem, it might not feel that way, but as a third-party observer, believe me, I see all that you do.

Being a parent is hard work and you guys do it beautifully. Just look at how your kids are. And in the next few years, see how your kids turn up. You are doing great work. Amen.

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You know, today was great. Let's start my list of things I'm grateful for, no matter how mundane.

Okay, today. I had to cover a work event but thankfully, it was a food event and we had TONS of food heheh. Ate so much that I didn't have to eat dinner.

I had a haircut. Actually it's not just the haircut, it's more like I'm grateful that I have afforded myself the time and the effort to care for myself. So grateful for myself to take care of myself? :)

Quiet time. At 4:30 in the morning. Although sometimes I find that some people in this compound are already awake at that time, nagwawalis at that hour sa labas??? lol But for the most part, it's quiet, it's serene, it's my time to pray and reflect. It's given me a nice start to my day, before I listen to the news. It's funny talaga na I go from praying and listening to devotionals to listening to what's happening in this country. What a contrast. Pero sitting still in the morning (for me) prepares me well for the day ahead. Other people do it at night para to end the day on a good note and to pray in advance for the next day.

The conversations I've been having with you guys over the past few weeks. They're equal parts uplifting, enlightening, comforting, and assuring. It's nice to be out of this hole and to be finally filled with light from my friends. Love you.

Clean sheets.

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