I realize I'm lonely and I've been lonely the past years. But the past few months taught me to love my own company again. But I feel like it must be nice to have someone to actually share my life with, to have someone. Believe me, I will be fine if my life moving forward would just be me and my cat, but it's a very human thing to yearn, right?
We know having someone won't solve all our problems, but yeah. I thought I had that. I've been really lonely the past 20 years and I just brushed it off because I thought I had someone and I shouldn't feel this way. And admitting the loneliness I felt the past years is pretty huge for me. But also: What the hell did I allow myself to happen? And yet I stayed. To my detriment.
Is it wrong to yearn? Like I wanna feel how that's like... but if it doesn't happen I'll be happy still. I mean I thought I'd live my life alone anyway. And my friends will be there for me also. Like I'm not alone ALONE and lonely because I have no one. I do. I have my friends and they don't have any idea how much they've helped regulate my nervous system all this time. May they be blessed forever.
But yeah. I'm probably yearning for someone solid, dependable, supportive, calm. Someone who makes me relax my nervous system fully. Nothing to brace for. Nothing to guard against.
But I think that someone would have to be me hahahahaha.
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I don't know why I get these episodes of yearning that are so strong that I am driven to tears... or maybe I do know why, but I don't really understand it? Does that make sense. I'm not making sense.
I just yearn. I can't really articulate what I'm yearning for; it seems like this monolith of things that I want to do and be. But I think my crying episode last Sunday somehow got my point across. That's how I feel several days a month.
I'm typing this now and I'm just feeling it. I guess that's what I should do. Cry it out. Rest. Try to focus on studying. Try to understand why this is how my life is going.
Like I said, I can't articulate what I feel in a way that would explain what my mode is right now. Even if I yearn so hard that I cry, there's that peace I feel when I put myself in that place where I yearn to be. Like in my head. And I guess I just want to feel like that all the time. God knows I need a lot of comforting.
This... I'm just babbling.
I lit sage today and doused myself in salt water. I hope this helps whatever I'm feeling.
I hope you both feel better after all the rituals you do on this night. May your breakthroughs break through. I'm wishing only the best for you, your lives, your careers, your circumstances.
I'm still thankful. I'm always thankful. Always grateful. Grateful that I get to feel like this. Grateful that there's something I'm looking forward to getting. Just not yet. I have a lot of work to do.
This is just train of thought, so forgive me if what I write don't seem cohesive.
---
There's a hard line where the old me died and the new me was born if you're going to base it off the entries on this blog. It still gets to me. I still can't believe I was that person. I don't mean to sound like I'm looking down on my old self. It's not that. It's more like... how did I survive that long? How did I let myself be that for that long? I was blind (or turned a blind eye) to a lot of things, but now that I have chosen to see them, I can't unsee. It is a blessing, yes, but it really took me out of the comfort zone that is my uncomfortable life.
Seeing how things are in the present made me realize a lot of things. I know I have recounted some of these to you. I still get some new realizations from time to time and at this point I'm just astounded how foolish I was to let things happen the way they did. I was misaligned. If my life was a spine, it would have severe scoliosis.
But I also realized like, ah, that's why some things did not push through, why some things didn't happen. It probably wasn't part of God's plan for me. I wasn't aligned. It's why I never got out of this black hole.
And then one day, or over the course of several days and weeks, it started to change. It started to turn. Life seemed possible now, if you get what I mean. It still feels weird to have this much hope for the future, and this much excitement, and this much CERTAINTY that I'm so SURE that the things I'm praying for will happen. I used to pray and hope, sure, but it was just all on the surface. Underneath that flimsy exterior, I was broken and hopeless. So that must be why I wanted to die all the time.
I prayed for clarity when I started this journey back to faith, back to God. Sometimes you wouldn't like what God shows you. It is what it is. I needed that clarity. Some things hurt to see, to know, to realize, but I needed that clarity. I thank God for clarity all the time.
-----
Do I hate this year? I mean how could I, when this is the year the Lord took me out of the dark and kept holding my hand. This is the year I found myself again. This is the year I opened up to my oldest friends again. This is the year I was honest with whatever's been happening in my life. I don't love 2025, but I'm grateful for what it allowed me to do, what it allowed me to be. What it's allowing me to be.
There's still A LOT to work on with myself, with my life, with this tangled web that I wish to get out of but for the first time in my life I'm excited for the future. All things are possible. It's still a weird feeling. It's like I can't believe this is my life now.
-----
Gratitude.
It wasn't like I was an ungrateful wench all my life, but I was so deep in the trenches that I couldn't see the light of whatever blessings God gave me. I feared good things because I knew the other shoe would fall and something bad will happen. That's how I used to be.
Apart from my other friend's advice to surrender EVERYTHING to God, Vhai's advice about gratitude is one that really impacted my life. Now I see God in everything. I see the blessing in everything, even the smallest things. It feels peaceful. It feels calm. It makes you realize how you have been surrounded by blessings all this time. Even the simple thing of being woken up from sleep every morning is a blessing.
And with that I would like to thank you guys for being my anchors, for supporting me through all this. I just pray for all of us all the time that we all be enlightened, that we all stay healthy and happy, that we all get clarity to make us see things clearly. I pray that we deserve the things we pray for. I pray that God gives us the things we pray for. I really couldn't have made it if God didn't place you guys in my life. Sometimes I feel emo about the fact that God planted this friendship seed in us when we were so young. And of all the people in that school, we were the ones who ended up friends, and are still friends to this day. God works through everything and the more I go through this faith journey, the more I see the way God works even when we think nothing is happening. So we trust. He will take care of us all. He is taking care of us all.
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Happy new year, guys. I'm excited -- truly excited -- for the year ahead. And as Koreans say: ģķ“ ė³µ ė§ģ“ ė°ģ¼ģøģ! It literally means May you receive many blessings this new year. Love you guys.
Everything outside of tumblr-dom has been so serious, that I need a breather from all of those. When youāre delving into something so deep as national issues, you tend to stay too long trying to do everything you can while down there. You forget to breathe sometimes, and thatās when you start getting pissed. Well, I donāt want that. I want to write something mundane for now. I hope it stays mundane.
I resurrected my Polyvore account after 5 years, and got into it heavily again. What helped was that they have an app version, and all I really need is an internet connection and Iām set to make all the outfits that I want. I like doing that. Iām not a fashionista by any sense of the imagination, but I was interested in fashion when I was younger, and so this is a reflection of that. I think itās doing a great job at curbing my shopping habit (if you can call it that; I hardly buy anything)... or rather, my desire to always go shopping for clothes and shit and then feel bad about it because I canāt buy or afford anything.
So with Polyvore, I canĀ āshop,ā and it works. I think what I like about shopping anyway is having options and then, you know, picking them out of a pile. So I guess this takes care of it. I have like 53 outfit sets in like a week.
...
I have this desire to dig out my old journals and review my old poems. I miss my old self a lot, and I miss the person who was into these things. She who wrote poems, wrote stories, watched all the foreign-language movies she could. I donāt know what brought this about. I just feel it so deeply these days.
...
I think my brain is getting fried by stress. Iāve forgotten what else to write about.Ā
I like going to the supermarket, honestly. It doesnāt matter which part, I love it. At first I thought it had something to do with shopping, because I really do love shopping. But just this weekend it got me thinking (after I just walked through the supermarket and then was in the middle of True Value looking at storage stuff) that I like going to the supermarket and the hardware store because it gives me the impression that I have a house to take care of. It kinda lets me pretend that I have my life put together. I could pretend I actually have a life.
I particularly like home improvement stores like True Value, because you can find stuff like knives and pans and shelves, and I pretend to think if I need those shelves for the garden, or that doormat for the back entrance, or that wood polisher for the dining area; do I need light bulbs for the living room; does my fan need replacing.
In supermarkets, itās the same. I pretend to think if I need meat or veggies or eggs or other dairy. I pretend to think what food should I make for dinner, in my own kitchen, using my own kitchen tools. But yeah, itās just that, mere pretend. I really donāt have a home; I just rent a room in a house. Donāt get me wrong; I actually like my living arrangements. I just miss having a house to myself sometimes. Most times. I actually want to live in a house/condo/apartment by myself with a kitchen and dining and living and all those things, buy furniture and other household bits, and basically live like an adult.
I like looking at all these housing developments and condominiums sprouting about, and pretend that I can consider living in any of those. I go the full shebang, like I figure out how to get to work, how people will fit if I get visitors, is there a balcony, how accessible is it to everything -- basically the whole thing. I like looking at houses in general. I like doing house layouts. I honestly like Zipmatch (yeah, the housing website) because I can look at a lot of residential buildings and even have 360-degree tours. Itās nice. Maybe one day I really will. Maybe.
Obviously, it aināt happening. But I can dream. And I can keep looking at houses and apartments and condominiums and pretend I live in them. Iāll keep going to the supermarket and Iāll keep going to the hardware store. Until then. If it ever happens.
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Funny how the moment I wrote in my journal (Yes, wrote. And yes, journal) how Iām gonna start developing an attitude of gratitude and try to have a positive outlook in life and see the beauty in everything, Iām hit by an episode of numbness, sadness, and melancholy. Iām being tested, I think. Not acing that test, but whatever.
But Iām gonna try.
Originally I wanted to do a series of blog posts on the days leading to my birthday so each person/thing that I want to thank or be grateful for, and/or express my thanks. So yeah, like I said, Iām gonna try.
My Parents
Iām thankful that my parents gave me the life that I knew growing up. But more than being thankful for them and everything that they have done for me, I would really like to deeply apologize to them for being a huge disappointment. I do feel really disappointed with myself as well.
Like I havenāt amounted to much, despite being over the age of 30. That I havenāt really done anything in my life that would make them proud of me. Like most people, I want my parents to be proud of me. I want to be able to provide for them. While I resent the idea that people have children for the sole reason of having nurses in old age, nobody has force me to want to give to my parents. This has often been misinterpreted. People think I hate providing to my parents. They donāt know that my most of my frustration lies in the fact that I donāt make enough money to be able to give to them and still have enough left for my bills. I have experienced foregoing my bills just so I could give some amount to them. Iām just really frustrated with the amount I can and canāt give, and this has resulted in a lot of crying fits and suicidal thoughts. I thought if I go, the money that people will donate might be enough for them. My parents donāt really ask for much, and I canāt even give that to them. Iām thankful they havenāt disowned me yet, and they have understood my outbursts.
The Jās
I have a couple of best girlfriends that I am often in contact yet. They became new mothers last year. In fact, they became pregnant about 2 weeks apart.
The first J Iāve known since high school and she also used to be my housemate. I talk to her all the time. Well, Facebook chatting counts as talking these days. She listens to me rant about work and everything else in life, and she never tears me apart for anything I ever say to her. I miss her because we only see each other in person about once or twice a year. I wish I still lived in the South sometimes, so I could go see her and her daughter more often. Iām thankful for all the times she has listened, gave advice, and masterfully lifts my mood by diverting the topic of conversation to something else -- and itās almost always food. We dreamed of moving to Madrid (or anywhere in Europe, really) when we were younger (10 years ago), but life took us to different paths. We still reminisce about those times. Itās nice.
The second J Iāve known since college, and itās still a mystery how we became friends since we werenāt even talking to one another despite months of being classmates. I am now godmother to her son. She has helped me a lot, and in a lot of ways as well. I know sheās got my back no matter what happens. Iām thankful for all the times she has made time for me and my shit, and for always being supportive of what I do.
V
I miss you, Baks. I wish I see you all the time but you know me and how far I live and how lazy I am. Nevertheless, I want to thank you for your friendship and for always being there for me. I know you are.
The Christian Community - Ir, K, Id, A
I have a group of friends that P callsĀ āThe Christian Community,ā and I do refer to them as such, with all the fondness in the world. This friendshipās interesting because -- with the exception of A -- I met all of them online. I rarely see all of them in person and most of our communicationās through various forms of social media, but I do feel the genuineness of the friendship they have extended me. Iām quite difficult to be friends with because I refuse invitations and cancel plans a lot (because anxiety makes me crazy), but I love how theyāve been patient. Very patient. Really thankful for that.
I met A first, through another friend I shall discuss here (C). Sheās gone to California now to get married, so there goes randomly meeting her wherever. When Iām in need of substantial conversation over alcohol (hah!), sheās the person to go to... conversations I feel like I could not have with anyone else, on a range of topics. Thank you, A. I hope I can actually visit you in California. And I hope you can visit New York at the soonest possible time!
Football is the bridge that led me to both Iās. Also twitter.
Id with all her pop culture stuff, her TV shows, and all the football she watches, is a very interesting friend to have. If I want to check out what new show I should start watching, I browse her feed and see what sheās gushing about. While Iām yet to start on Sherlock or Dr. Who (those two shows need time), she has unknowingly given me a lot of good music and TV/movie joy. She gets me, like I know that she knows exactly how I feel when I feel stuff, and she has continually (both knowingly and unknowingly) spurred me on towards life.
I met Ir because we were all supposed to watch a football game and she was supposed to buy the tickets, so I sent her money. Sadly, tickets were sold out and she sent the money back to me. She and her daughter M are constantly present in group dinners and lunches, and Iāve kept all drawings and bookmarks from M because theyāre so thoughtful and I love receiving gifts like that. Ir has given me an amazing opportunity, and Iām so thankful for trusting me with that, and for trusting me with art things. You know what, Ir, Iām really itching to visit your cousinās cafe because of all your posts about it.
Now, Momma K is somewhat like my 2nd mother although sheās only a few years older than I am. This one looks after me and (I believe) worries when I start going through my episodes and rants. Her posts on her blog and stories about her cats, dogs, hamsters, yaya, son, and daughters cheer me up. Momma, K, I want to be like you when I grow up. Iāve never told you this, but Iām in awe with how you juggle and handle things. All of the things.
I would also like to say here that I love how real they all are. No two-faced fakes here. Iām also very thankful that theyāre all encouraging towards my art. They must have sensed how easily discouraged I am. Thank you very much for that.
R
I know itās probably a small thing to you, but it means a lot to me: Thank you for sending me postcards from wherever you are. It really means a lot to me. Even the French Pharmacie stuff, thank you for even thinking of asking me about that. I just really appreciate it. I also appreciate how hard you laugh whenever somethingās funny. Keep at it! See you soon!
C
I havenāt talked or chatted with C in a while, but that doesnāt mean I have forgotten how much Iāve learned from her and how much I value her. She was always so game with whatever I wanted to do, always ready to help, and I really appreciate that. Whenever I feel lost, I actually think about her and Iād think to myselfĀ āItās gonna be okay. Itās gonna be smashing,ā because Iāve seen it in her. No matter how badly I look at my life, there is always that glimmer of hope no matter how faint, that things will look up. And thatās because of her.
M
Thank you for being my bro-cousin-fellow unicorn in art, and for always saying yes whenever I ask you to go to Trinoma because I needed someone to sit with me. And for the friendship. And for the art. And for all the opportunities. I know youāll go far, M. You will.Ā
C & L
One of the cutest couples I know. I canāt even think about you two without smiling because you both are so vibrant and funny. While Iām ~somewhat~ closer to C, I know you guys make up one unit and I just want to thank you for all the support, for being such great examples of marriage, and for being so funny. Honestly, thatās my favorite thing about you two. Keep at it!Ā Ā
R & S
Thank you both for continually inspiring me in more ways than one. For keeping my eyes open to lifeās pressing issues, and for helping me see the beauty in all things. Thank you for the opportunities you have accorded me. I hope to see you guys soon! Keep those travelogues coming!
P
My favorite human, my favorite soul on earth. I hope youāll be able to see how great you really are so you can realize your full potential. Thank you for standing by me, for being with me, for drying my tears, calming my fears. As much as I hate how my life has become most times, as much as I hate all the things Iāve gone through thus far, I wouldnāt change a thing if it means you wonāt be in my life.Ā Thereās no point to anything if youāre not here. No point at all.
Itās not really the age that gets me -- I really donāt care how old I am, or how old I look; itās another birthday where nothing happens. I donāt expect to be celebrated like some special person. Itās just that Iām always wishing for a birthday to enjoy, a day to like, to relax, and not a day of stressing and moping at home because I donāt have any means to enjoy my day. And honestly, I donāt care about my birthday anymore. I try to give an appearance of caring because it makes people horribly uncomfortable to hear someone say they donāt care about their day. You know me, I hate being the cause of discomfort.
I canāt even remember the last birthday I enjoyed fully. Iām always broke on my birthday that earlier today I was thinking of disregarding March 24th altogether and just thinking of a different day to think of as my birthday, preferably sometime in December when I have a shit ton of money to throw around. People try -- bless them -- but I just end up working hard not to show any disinterest. I actually like counting down to my birthday like I like counting down to Christmas, but when the day comes itās so anti-climactic. Like a balloon deflating all of a sudden without as much as aĀ āpop!ā or aĀ āpoof!ā
Right now, I can feel something creeping up inside me again. Iām at work, yet I want to go home and just lay in bed and vegetate, possibly read and make art. Iād love to write some more, but I canāt.
People are always talking about seasons in their lives and how this is something that we all must go through in order to learn, to grow. Since I hate summer, Iām calling this the Summer of my Life. My life is dry and humid as hell. And like the actual summer season, it makes me sick and it makes me cry. This season of my life has been going on for far too long (15 years, probably more) and needless to say, Iām so tired. I canāt do anything about it though.Ā
Well, I try to do something about it. My thing in life has always been to make sure nobody feels the way I feel most of the time: Unimportant, insignificant, hopeless, and helpless. But like they say, like a pitcher of water, you canāt give people glasses of water if the pitcher is empty. I donāt know what Iām doing then, or how Iām able to help. Perhaps helping people in whatever mundane task helps refill my pitcher. Maybe. Iām always thinking of people and how to make their lives better.
I wish people thought of me the same way. Maybe they do, but maybe itās all too little, too late.
I wish this monthās over soon. I wish this season is over. I wish I can sleep more.
You know how in tumblr there are posts with questions and your followers are supposed to send some of them to you if they wanna find out your answer to them? Well, I rarely get questions in my inbox because, well, I am me and my followers arenāt really all that active in terms of communicating with me.
But sometimes I come across questions that I find interesting, and sometimes Iām just in the mood to answer questions nobody asks. Thereās a set I came across with this morning, and I thought, hey, why not answer a few from that set? Iāll just answer in no particular order.
94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday?
Pauloās friend Mic, whose birthday was last Monday. We actually had a surprise birthday salubongĀ for him last Sunday and then we were out last night as well. He lives in LA, so Paulo and their other friends only see him every 2-3 years or so. Both outings were fun but oh my Lord, who parties on a Sunday?
4: how do you take your coffee/tea?
Most of the time I take my tea strong and plain. The last coffee I had was a large coffee from 7-11 with two creamer sachets and 1 sugar packet.
28: sunrise or sunset?
Sunset. I only like the sunrise if Iāve been awake for all the hours before it and if I have nothing else to do that day.Ā
97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house?
INTJ, Aries, and I donāt mess with Harry Potter so...
35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often?
Yes, but I donāt buy them often because I donāt use them often. If by pretty pens, you mean brush pens and artist pens... guilty. Who needs food? Who needs money? I got me a nice brush pen collection going, and sometimes I just like looking at them.
23: what's your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations?
Sleep. Read.
37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean?
Clean! I think these days I got a system going: Everything has a place; Everything in its place. So far the only mess in my room are the piles of dirty laundry in my hamper and that dirty clothes chair. Iām doing great, I think.
87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?
Wait up, lemme search my once-movie-buff brain...
Nueve Reinas
The Godfather 1 and 2
The Lord of the Rings Trilogy
Bridegroom
3 Idiots
60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?
Yes, I do. Not much of an avant-garde poem or poet appreciator, and I do like the usual suspects: Pablo Neruda, Anna Akhmatova, and some Wislawa Szymborska. Just Google them and youāll see most of their poems.
8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings?
THIS is one way to answer that question. :)
65: is there anyone you haven't seen in a long time who you'd love to hang out with?
Yeah, but the question is do they want to hang out with me?
91: where do you plan on traveling this year?
Well, thereās that Korea trip that my family wants to take but Iām still not sure about that. Most probably just Hong Kong this year. If my Hong Kong trip pushes through, then Iāll probably be more inspired to plan other trips.
