AIN

I think it is now time to sit with the world and work with, not against the truth.

This zine page is a call for Pakistani’s to grow their communities with the right intentions as opposed to subjecting young children to the complications of their cultural and destructive societies. This zine page is a gentle reminder to my people that Pakistani generations would be so much stronger if we dropped all the unnecessary control and pessimism about the Western world they’ve chosen to establish themselves into. This is a gentle reminder, the old scheme doesn’t work, switch it up.

Much love,

I want to talk about mothers, I truly believe that we do not speak on mothers enough. They have become the pivotal point of what young boys and girls come to be in adulthood. Before I carry on, I wanted to mention that both men and women are equally responsible for children, not just the mother, not just the father. This post will discuss absent (in mind and spirit) mothers for the most part. I’ll save daddy issues for another day.

If one was to do a basic search on defining the term ‘mother’, you’d find definitions in particular order stating; (noun) a woman in relation to her child or children. (verb) 1. bring up (a child) with care and affection. 2.  give birth to. Yet the definition of a father states; (noun) a man in relation to his child or children. (verb) 1. to cause a pregnancy resulting in the birth of a child. I must now ask, how do these reflect of our mothers and fathers today? The definitions and real mothers and fathers almost stare back at one another, mirroring each other. It’s unfortunate that many children come into the world where the parents that created their beautiful spirit are imbalanced and unfair to one another. My point is, from the get go mothers are left with children, and pressured to bring up a child with care and affection, that expectation is written in the fine print for young women just in case they forgot. And as a extra heads up, the verb to nurture comes before the verb to give birth, it’s upsetting.

I have Pakistani born parents, and its interesting to see how absent our Pakistani fathers (not all, there’s always some good apples) have been of our achievements as a young generation. How disconnected they are with their offspring, and more importantly find that they should be praised as a good man if they serve a purpose that women have been pressured to do alone for a long time- bring up a child with care and affection. There is a big difference in being praised for good parenting and requiring praise in order to parent as you should. We like to drag men down on their absent parenting but what about mothers? It happens, we have mommy issues, and they’re prevalent amongst the British- Pakistani diaspora. Aside from this point, even when I look at the young minority ethnic generation as a whole, of friends, people I love, even family, we have mommy issues. It’s not just grown men, it’s young boys and girls. It’s teen girls and boys, and more importantly grown women.

Young ethnic women everyday remedy mommy issues by indulging in the very things that allows those issues to exist; siding with trust issues, crippling self-esteem, appeasing exploitative power imbalance, difficult communication, continually dating someone that is fairly older, being jealous yet not providing affection etc. The point is, no partner can mother (or father) you, but you can learn from your mother. And with that learning comes the practice of what you have always seen your mother practice from her parents or mother. I’ve written previously about children being like sponges:

It is often said that children are like sponges, their brains are grasping and learning at phenomenal speeds but they soak up more than their academia and so many parents forget this.They soak up the energy of their surroundings; they soak up the physical states of their space, the buildings and nature; they soak up words not because they are spoken in their presence but how they are used, they soak up all things love and all things hate. Just as a sponge doesn’t discriminate in soaking up the clean or muddy water it’s thrown in, children are the same when they’re born into their worlds. 

We indulge in practices that we’ve seen in our mothers. Even when we know they are unhealthier practices, we keep to these destructive things because they are safer, manageable and familiar- essentially they feel right. If we haven’t seen our mothers ask for things or assert themselves with our fathers, we will not initially know how to do the same. If brown women witnessed what working hard for yourself, taking to freedom, keeping to your truth against the odds and asserting yourself, young brown women would know how to practice the same. We witness and re-manifest what our mothers witnessed and re-manifested from their parents. The point is, we know what we are doing wrong, but what are we doing right?

We cannot remedy issues with more issues. If we witnessed brown mothers communicate, assert and navigate situations, their daughters would only know how to handle situations in this way. It isn’t about being above men, but to be able to sit at the same table with them without thinking twice. If young brown women were able to communicate righteously, we’d be advantaged in navigating situations, not to favour us but to be able to have a say and allow it to manifest because we have asked for it. I believe your sense of communication and attracting what you are manifest greatly as you grow older, if brown women were taught to learn and explore what they want we wouldn’t mistrust the world around us and the people in it. This is because we would’ve explored it, we would know it. If we witnessed mothers that took care of their mental and physical health, we wouldn’t have as many problems with our self-esteem, our weight and being uncomfortable in our bodies. We practice and handle things same as the older woman we were around the most growing up, for most brown women that was their mother. We indulge in the same problems, we manifest the same health, we let ourselves down in the same way. Our sense of self and creating our own lives are amiss.

If brown women could un-learn the bad behaviours of absent mothers, we’d give our spiritual selves space to finally explore and find what we want. The willingness to unlearn is still brittle because unfortunately the familiarity of suffering, which is an option, outweighs pain which is a definite aspect of life. Above all things, mommy issues search for love, but when your spirit has walked the earth for a while, one can learn that if you come to truly love yourself, you wouldn’t know how to hurt the other. If it means that brown women are deficient in loving themselves, then it’s okay to simply start at this point. 

Let’s begin to un-learn to make space to re-learn. Let’s change the way we perceive ourselves and how we’re meant to be. It’s the only way can rebuild for change. And most importantly, let’s talk about Mommy issues.

Have a great day.

Before I resume, I think it’s important to say that children no matter how old or young who do not have children of their own, can be put in a non-negotiable position to not be allowed to speak up on parenting (especially in Pakistani households). It’s a taboo topic almost to speak up on how parenting should be when you have not had children of your own. Despite this, I think we do not acknowledge that parenting is fulfilled most in a two-way system when both child and parent contribute to the relationship in order to allow a parent to function as a parent. I think so many (not all) parents from deprived communities and those that immigrated can easily function as parents in a one-way system.

One way systems are exhaustive (emotionally) and lack reciprocation despite the efforts of ‘parenting’. Many children fall into a system of ‘parent says, child do’, and as much as children accept and depend on parents to be nurtured, protected and advised from-  how well does that system work when nurturing, protection of all forms (physical, emotional and mental) and sincere advice for the child that is free from social stigmas is absent?

Many parents hold the societal and biological title of being mother and father, but do not practice the role efficiently and I’ll even go as far as saying undeserving in some cases. The difference is, a child will always innately be a child, a parent will never innately be a parent. It’s a choice and responsibility to serve a new human spirit (child) from all four corners of the room, not for the child to serve them.

It is often said that children are like sponges, their brains are grasping and learning at phenomenal speeds but they soak up more than their academia and so many parents forget this.They soak up the energy of their surroundings; they soak up the physical states of their space, the buildings and nature; they soak up words not because they are spoken in their presence but how they are used, they soak up all things love and all things hate. Just as a sponge doesn’t discriminate in soaking up the clean or muddy water it’s thrown in, children are the same when they’re born into their worlds.

Because children are naturally subordinates, not fully developed or evolved we forget that they don’t have the power to always navigate out of unhealthy states and sometimes this is the moment that a child makes or breaks. If a child is over looked, disregarded, abused, neglected or not prioritised it’s very likely that they’ll navigate in those spaces unhappily but always passively. Taking note of the zine I have made, I’ve witnessed so many parents in Pakistani communities serve their culture more than their children’s needs. I’ve witnessed parents abuse with the excuse of harsh love and Godly service. I’ve witnessed Pakistani parents choose their cultural needs over the child’s. I’ve witnessed Pakistani parents dismiss nurturing their children for religious fanaticism. It’s sickening. My point is, all absent mothers and fathers, present yourselves. Your children will need you more than your culture, your corruption, your broken marriages and your worldly problems. Not just your body to be seen, but your mind and spirit.

I’ve been engaging with a lovely book called ‘All About Love’ by Bell Hooks and wanted to share an excerpt from it. But before I do, I wanted to mention that many families have been functioning like this both in and out of British-Pakistani communities. I truly believe that knowledge is power, that if we’re made aware of things that we thought we were doing right but actually wasn’t it helps shift change with validity and sincerity. This excerpt really made me think about my familial relationships and what kind of parent I’d want to be one day and I hope it does for you too.

“I am grateful to have been raised in a family that was caring, and strongly believe that had my parents been loved well by their parents they would have given that love to their children. They gave what they had been given- care. Remember, care is a dimension of love, but simply giving does not mean we are loving.” -Bell Hooks, All About Love.

I call for absent Pakistani parents to present themselves and take responsibility, love their children, not just care. I call for Pakistani parents old and young to break generational heartache and absent mindedness to serve children that will shape stronger British-Pakistani generations from here on out. And to the children who have been silenced, speak up! You’ll be heard.

Have a lovely day.

Coming from a young British-Pakistani, this is probably a typical rant, but maybe it’s time we start highlighting genuine cultural issues. Western paradigms of all sorts of ideals have shifted throughout history, but the stubbornness of the Pakistani culture paradigm has remained. The first question is, what have we as brown people, done about this? Although this may sit as a safety valve or great achievement for some, it can overtime wear down children who are exposed to several cultures at once.

In an analogy, how does a device that hasn’t been updated, function with a new programme? Well it won’t, the programme will always naturally request an update. Either the update happens or the request is continually proposed. Either way the device stays in the same place if the update isn’t made.

The picking and choosing one over the other or being pushed into a specific identity is hurtful, because what we are exposed to shapes us, this principle applies to how cultures shape who we become and how we identify- therefore both cultures are equally relevant. This in itself can have and has had detrimental effects on the young British-Pakistani diaspora, simply because they’re held back, not engaged and not confident as their Western world moves forward.

A gentle reminder to Pakistani elders and young people- culture can be preserved in many ways and cannot be lost when you integrate yourself into another if you don’t want it to. Referring back to the device analogy, the device (culture) doesn’t change if you update (integrate) it for the new programme (Western societies and paradigms). Equally, you have the right to actively engage with your culture or entirely disregard it. Many young British-Pakistani’s have felt the glitch of growing up in a British house but a Pakistani home. I’ll say it for you, it’s not feasible and can be upsetting, we want to get with the new programme. Culture clash might be the easiest go-to word, but now being older and really acknowledging it, it’s a long-standing disagreement (mainly from Pakistani’s who have migrated to the UK) to integrate. The truth is, if one expects to move to a country expect to integrate into it and accept it as also your own.

Young British-Pakistani’s are pushed on a daily to think twice and acknowledge their place in the world. We’re brown and are racially disadvantaged in many ways despite being from this country. We’re also limited by what the Pakistani culture (which is wrongfully mixed with Islam) ‘allows’ and finally for women who are ostrasised for 1. being a woman and 2. not following misogynistic cultural practices that naturally disadvantage them.

This needs to change for young people now, and the young people ahead.

Older Pakistani people need to stop making things that sit outside the lines of their culture a sudden taboo. It’s extreme to view things in this way and detrimental to a brown person’s growth in what can be a very accepting society if they were left to organically integrate. Let’s start seeing things as different, in a good way of course and that’s okay. Not taboo.

There is nothing wrong with getting with the new programme. You’re not a gori or gora for doing that, you’re still brown and doing the best thing you can which is getting along with others in your country.

Stop separating and limiting boys and girls. We function best with both masculine and feminine energies in our lives. We do well when we create our roles and not have simplified roles made for us, we have nothing to look forward to otherwise. We need to be free of gender roles, it’s degrading to control what one should and shouldn’t do with themselves.

Stop the sexism, abuse against women and low-key sexual assaults. We need our young girls and boys to grow healthily.

The older generation of migrated Pakistani’s and the generation of their first children need to stop building sexist and top heavy communities which embeds a fear in young brown children to not explore their options in a first world country full of opportunities. These same generations also need to stop using corruptive ethics and religious fanaticism to navigate the morale of families and the community as a whole.

Let people live. Change your thought. Look after the children who will hold us up.

These points equally, don’t apply to all Pakistani elders and communities, but those that it does apply to, equally know who they are.

Rant over. Have a lovely day.