#isolationwork

Before I resume, I think it’s important to say that children no matter how old or young who do not have children of their own, can be put in a non-negotiable position to not be allowed to speak up on parenting (especially in Pakistani households). It’s a taboo topic almost to speak up on how parenting should be when you have not had children of your own. Despite this, I think we do not acknowledge that parenting is fulfilled most in a two-way system when both child and parent contribute to the relationship in order to allow a parent to function as a parent. I think so many (not all) parents from deprived communities and those that immigrated can easily function as parents in a one-way system.

One way systems are exhaustive (emotionally) and lack reciprocation despite the efforts of ‘parenting’. Many children fall into a system of ‘parent says, child do’, and as much as children accept and depend on parents to be nurtured, protected and advised from-  how well does that system work when nurturing, protection of all forms (physical, emotional and mental) and sincere advice for the child that is free from social stigmas is absent?

Many parents hold the societal and biological title of being mother and father, but do not practice the role efficiently and I’ll even go as far as saying undeserving in some cases. The difference is, a child will always innately be a child, a parent will never innately be a parent. It’s a choice and responsibility to serve a new human spirit (child) from all four corners of the room, not for the child to serve them.

It is often said that children are like sponges, their brains are grasping and learning at phenomenal speeds but they soak up more than their academia and so many parents forget this.They soak up the energy of their surroundings; they soak up the physical states of their space, the buildings and nature; they soak up words not because they are spoken in their presence but how they are used, they soak up all things love and all things hate. Just as a sponge doesn’t discriminate in soaking up the clean or muddy water it’s thrown in, children are the same when they’re born into their worlds.

Because children are naturally subordinates, not fully developed or evolved we forget that they don’t have the power to always navigate out of unhealthy states and sometimes this is the moment that a child makes or breaks. If a child is over looked, disregarded, abused, neglected or not prioritised it’s very likely that they’ll navigate in those spaces unhappily but always passively. Taking note of the zine I have made, I’ve witnessed so many parents in Pakistani communities serve their culture more than their children’s needs. I’ve witnessed parents abuse with the excuse of harsh love and Godly service. I’ve witnessed Pakistani parents choose their cultural needs over the child’s. I’ve witnessed Pakistani parents dismiss nurturing their children for religious fanaticism. It’s sickening. My point is, all absent mothers and fathers, present yourselves. Your children will need you more than your culture, your corruption, your broken marriages and your worldly problems. Not just your body to be seen, but your mind and spirit.

I’ve been engaging with a lovely book called ‘All About Love’ by Bell Hooks and wanted to share an excerpt from it. But before I do, I wanted to mention that many families have been functioning like this both in and out of British-Pakistani communities. I truly believe that knowledge is power, that if we’re made aware of things that we thought we were doing right but actually wasn’t it helps shift change with validity and sincerity. This excerpt really made me think about my familial relationships and what kind of parent I’d want to be one day and I hope it does for you too.

“I am grateful to have been raised in a family that was caring, and strongly believe that had my parents been loved well by their parents they would have given that love to their children. They gave what they had been given- care. Remember, care is a dimension of love, but simply giving does not mean we are loving.” -Bell Hooks, All About Love.

I call for absent Pakistani parents to present themselves and take responsibility, love their children, not just care. I call for Pakistani parents old and young to break generational heartache and absent mindedness to serve children that will shape stronger British-Pakistani generations from here on out. And to the children who have been silenced, speak up! You’ll be heard.

Have a lovely day.